Cattle prod

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“The cattle prod is a stunning way to get really close with your cows!”

~ Oscar Wilde on the cattle prod

The cattle prod was one of the great inventions of the 17th century. It was invented by the great Michael Bolton, and was made famous by The Original Jamz in their song "Everyone Wants to be Proded". It's major function was to gently kill the cattle while they were being molested by the over eager cowboys who slept with them each night. A cattle prod is usually made of swiss cheese. A single prod has a life of about 30 prods in the summer, and 60 prods during the winter. To find the exact amount of prods you can make with your cattle proder, simply check the nutritional facts on the package you buy it in. You can also use this formula to find the exact number of prods:

Originally, Michael Bolton intended for cattle prods to be used for the herding of livestock. After Thomas Moonshine invented the alcohol still and popularized the consumption of moonshine, people in rural areas discovered the recreational uses of the cattle prod. Soon rednecks and slack-jawed yokels everywhere were giving electric jolts on the ass to one another, after long sessions of cow tipping and urinating on electrified fences.

[edit] How to use a Cattle Prodder

The proper use of a cattle prodder depends on what model you have, but tha basic concept is the same. First, light a bunch of ciggarettes. Then, drink a lot of alcohol. Finally, do whatever your mind tells you to do with it. [1]

Warning: Use of cattle prod will most likely result in wild, crazy sex with farm animals, painful bruises/burns the next day, a free trip to jail, or all of the above.