Tay Zonday

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"I AM TIRED OF ALL THIS MUTHAFUCKING CHOCOLATE IN MY MUTHAFUCKING RAIN!!!!"

~ Samuel L. Jackson on his broken septic tank

Tay Zonday was an American musician and alchemist best known for his vocal opposition to chocolate rain cessation theory. After many unsuccessful attempts to disseminate his opposition to the theory, he recently popularized his views in a song made famous through a music video.

Contents 1 Biography 2 Career in Alchemy 3 "Chocolate Rain" 4 Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory (CRoCheT) 5 Longevity 6 Court 7 Relationship with Darth Vader 8 Rivalry with The Hulk 9 Current Status 10 Untimely Death

[edit] Biography

As Mr. Zonday creatively pointed out, a peculiar fad of the time in which people would flaunt their enormously distracting bubons while ringing around any rosie that happened to be in the immediate vicinity, or drowning themselves in chocolate precipitation, might have been the cause of multiple unconfirmed reports of

babies dying before the sin. His family was a site of much strife, with his father often beating his entire family with a small penis. After escaping the sexual relationship he foolishly began with his mother, he tried his hand at his childhood passion of beekeeping, before releasing his online videos in a drunken stupor. Due to his healthy diet of wine, bread, and halfback, Mr. Zonday has lived a relatively full life and has recently celebrated his 575th birthday. Zonday's surprisingly youthful appearance has been accredited to his very close, personal relationship with well-known singer/songwriter Michael Jackson. Jackson reportedly referred Zonday to his personal plastic surgeon who took it upon himself to reconstruct Zonday's facial features such that he may look more like the illegitimate son of Janet Jackson and Kermit the Frog. He has also maintained his youthful appearance through the use of the Philosopher's stone.

[edit] Career in Alchemy

Early in the 1990's Zonday joined other famed Alchemists such as Saint Thomas Aquinas, Toby Keith, and Oscar Wilde in the search for a way to transform some random shit into some other random shit. Zonday and Keith joined forces, and the resulting team, Zonday the Alchemy Man and his loyal sidekick Keith the "I know some super secret shit . . . you don't wanna screw with me . . . dude," Unleashed a wave of destruction the likes of which the world had not seen since the legendary battle between Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris. Due to the clash in brain power between the brilliantly intelligent Zonday and Keith, a man who completely misunderstands the way the world works in every way, and would later write the following song lyrics-- "i'm just a middle aged middle eastern camel herding man! i've got a two bedroom cave here in north Afghanistan . . . we'll flip the finger to and give a big boner to the taliban!," the duo attempted to transform water in any of it's physical phases (liquid, gas, solid) into something containing chocolate without the physical addition of cocoa. The ultimate goal of Zonday's work was to disprove the commonly accepted Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory which proposes that the only way to transform water into chocolate is using an almost mythical chemical known today as Solderfiend. Scientists agree that after the Big Bang, Solderfiend was completely obliterated in the atmosphere, making chocolate rain a physical impossibility. This could have lead to the extinction of dinosaurs as they subsisted almost entirely on falling chocolate. Zonday believes that it is possible to use alchemy to chemically synthesize Solderfiend, proving that it could still exist in nature causing the undetectably small cocoa content of rainclouds in the Amazon. Unlike Zonday, Kieth did not have an ultimate goal in his attempts to create chocolate rain, he was more like a helper monkey who Zonday lured into his laboratory by waving various shiny objects in front of the window.

TAY ZONDAY HAS PROVEN THE ART OF HOME MADE MACHINERY

[edit] "Chocolate Rain"

The sky is blue, pie is round, and chocolate rain is only in the past: simple facts that even a child knows. But in utter disregard for the revolutionary discoveries of Copernicus and Galileo, Tay Zonday has made it his project to overturn what is formally known as chocolate rain cessation theory. His primary means of furthering this effort is a music video posted on the Vatican's website, youtube.com:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EwTZ2xpQwpA

[edit] Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory (CRoCheT)

Chocolate Rain Cessation Theory, which posits the conclusion of the centuries-long meteorological-cum-sociological phenomenon known as chocolate rain, is based upon one simple principle, namely, that all stay dry and no one feels the pain. It follows from this premise that babies born will not die before the sin, that we will not be happy living in a gate, and that test scores are not how much the parents make. Since it was first postulated in the early modern period, the theory has thoroughly enriched and substantiated by the scientific community. Widely considered the piece de resistance of CRoCheT studies, Nicholas Sparks' popular novel The Notebook effectively closed debate on the issue. John Stamos is actually believed to be the true originator of this Theory by die-hard fans and "The Stamos" himself.

[edit] Longevity

Although Zonday's life began almost six centuries ago, he did not begin to pursue his career as an alchemist and a musician until he reached the ripe old age of eleven. Despite the flurry of scientific discoveries that defined the Middle Ages, Zonday was unable to make significant headway in his attempts to disprove the chocolate rain cessation theory. As was custom at the time, he traveled far and wide, discussing the matter with various priests, oracles, and other godlike mythical people and creatures. The answer he received from each of these beings, however, was not what he wanted to hear. It seemed that Zonday would need an appropriate sidekick to help him complete his master plan, and that his sidekick would not be born until approximately half a millennium had passed. Although ignorance and misunderstanding were prevolent in Zonday's society, he could not locate any one person who was quite chocolate minded enough for the job, and he accepted the idea that he would just have to wait until he could locate the legendary Toby Kieth as the oracles had promised. To pass the time until he could resume his study of the art of alchemy, Zonday teamed up with the most famous singer, songwriter, writer, poet of our and any time -- anonymous! The two of them began infusing the folk music scene with songs advertising the existence and ill effects of chocolate rain. This method of informing the public about chocolate rain proved to be a successful way of communicating the key points of the issue to the general public. Zonday's methods of publicizing the phenomenon of chocolate rain would later be referenced by other environmental visionaries including Al Gore, who reciently used a very similar method to inform the public about global warming.

[edit] Court

In recent times children have claimed to have spotted Michael Jackson, unknowing of Tay Zonday. Zonday was held in a Chocolate jail cell for many seconds, before being released into court. When asked how he plead, he yelled out "Chocolate Rain". It would seem the same crime holds the higher price to pay.

"Be proud young lady, no girl of your age has accomplished such greatness" -Tay Zonday's father

[edit] Relationship with Darth Vader

In recent years, while on a spiritual quest, he found out that he, was in fact, related to Darth Vader in some capacitation, explaining the deepness of his voice, and his love for Chocolate. He has allegedly recently been found placing pieces of chocolate inside of his anus. This report is yet to be confirmed, but by the sound of his voice, it is quite certain he has been. As developments arise, we will report, but for the time being, Zay's boyfriends should stay a good 10 yards away from his anus.

[edit] Rivalry with The Hulk

After slaying the Emperor and blowing up the Death Star, Zonday ventured into some random city where the Hulk was smashing stuff. Zonday witnessed in pain as the green biatch destroyed his beloved chocolate candy/dildo emporium. He bowed revenge on the Hulk, and was seen running around slapping green Barby dolls around. Weeks after, Zonday planned to break into the Hulk's house and ass rape his dog. However, he was shot by a racist police officer. "Negro at night, I had to do something!" As offensive as this was, he was awarded a Medal of Honor, even though he didn't go to any wars.

[edit] Current Status

As of May 2008, Tay has been somewhat complacent. James Peterson, a fourteen year-old from Middleberry, TX, who is seriously considering becoming a potential news reporter, recently bumped into Tay in whatever city within whatever state that city is in at the local Carl's Jr. Tay was eating the six dollar burgar for $4.99. James asked, "Hows it goin'?" to which Mr. Zonday reported, "Complacent." Tay ate all but three fries and got two refills on his Mr. Pibb.

[edit] Untimely Death

Unfortunately on August 14, 2008 he forgot to move his mouth away from the microphone so that he could breathe and suffocated as a result of it. His spirit lives on in that of his two children and mule.