Teacher
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“I'm grateful God made me beautiful, or else he would've made me a teacher.”
~ Supermodel on Teachers
“Hey! Teacher! Leave us kids alone!”
~ Pink Floyd on Teachers
A teacher is a mutated thing whose occupation involves brainwashing, corrupting, and destroying otherwise possibly useful braincells. In recent years the profession has been growing in both notoriety and, surprisingly, number. This is largely credited to the growing sense of anti-teacherism.
More than likely, the individual you call your 'teacher' is simply a pathetic representative for whatever field they truly wanted to get into in the first place. For example, picture that you were an expert at mathematics. Would you be a teacher? Of course not. You'd be a mathematician, or, more likely, a highly-paid engineer. Those who major in mathematics and fail to make the cut because they lack the ability to do anything productive find they have no place to go but teaching. This is true across the board: your physics teacher failed to make it as a legitimate scientist, your literature teacher's poetry was too shitty to be published, and your social studies teacher couldn't find any place that was willing to pay for a columnist who was as much of a dumbass as he was. As a result, they all file in en masse to take out their personal failures on you. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as "the gift of a good education"
[edit] Fundamental Rights of A Teacher
- 1. To torture a student
- 2. To torture a student
- 3. To torture a student
- 4. To torture a student
- 5. To torture a student
(Use different sounds and expresions, of either artificial or natural pain and grief, while gaining the cliche knowledge of the above 5 rights in your mind)
- 6. To think that they are smart
[edit] The categories
- Teachers fall into two main categories:
- Those you like, and
- Those you don't.
- Incidentally, teachers themselves have their own main categories:
- Good students, and
- Bad students
Both categories appear to be related. A teacher in the category "those you like" typically has the student categorized in "good students", while a "bad student" will tend to have the teacher categorized in "those you don't".
[edit] Are they real?
There is little doubt, and a significant amount of archaeological evidence, that teachers are real. They seem to have their origins in the early Jurassic Era, where the smartest was always cast as the hamster exploding in the microwave. Over time, these smarter beings were ostracised and formed small, inbred communities, known (like the groups of fish they resembled) as a "school", into which they tried to entice fresh blood with the only thing they had: knowledge. Unfortunately, knowledge does not sell very well, and was not worth a lot outside these nether-world enclaves. As a result, teachers formed a sub-branch of humanity known to science as homo sapiens extravagantis. Like monkeys, teachers share approximately 98.8% of their DNA with us, although they are in fact an entirely distinct species.
[edit] Some common varieties of teacher
[edit] The Hottie
Fresh from university (or the brothel), this gorgeous specimen of humanity is rarely aware of the effect she can have on a class; the covert power-play that ensues for the front seat each lesson, the competition to be first to compliment her on her hair, her ability to silence the class by leaning over her books while standing up, all apparently pass her by. On her last day, this can often escalate into a fight to touch her amazingly firm breasts, invariably won by a student in possession of enormous breasts himself. Incredibly, she seems not to even notice this, continuing to believe only the best of people. If the class in question is college, however, the year might culminate in sex during recess and lunch, a practice which can account for as much as 50% of the last-week 'absences.' The other 50% are:
- A.) Gay people
- B.) People who aren't cool enough (poor bastards)
- C.) Those locked in lockers to prevent them getting let in on the fun.
- D.) People who feel uncomfortable about fucking one woman in front of 29 other naked boys.
- E.) Female students. At least, some of them.
[edit] The Lecher
This fat, ugly old man is second assistant-deputy-vice trainer for the football and rowing teams, which essentially means he fills up drink bottles and ogles while the hottest boys are in the school shower. Generally single and frequently still living with "family members," he may also live on campus and be in charge of making boarders' beds.
Strangely, this man never targets female students, perhaps fearing the lack of a penis. Indeed, this is the leading cause of avoidance of girls by gays of all ages.
[edit] The Pushover
The Pushover is living a fake life. Children in her class have no respect for her. They insult her to her face, and talk about her behind her back. They yell out "Penis!" during the middle of class, but the Pushover pretends not to notice.
The Pushover is usually a language teacher, and it is fun to make fun of her accent, asking her how to say "beach" over and over again. She is over enthusiastic, and would die if she heard what her students said behind her back. When it gets to be too much for the Pushover, she hands out detentions like there's no tomorrow.
[edit] The Over-Enthusiast
This teacher is, to say the least, enthusiastic. He is the kind of teacher who rings each student individually (on their mobiles) and reminds them to watch a documentary on DNA molecules that he forgot to remind them about in class earlier that day. His classes are often heard at the other end of the corridor as he shouts and yells: "Now pick up the hamster and place it in the microwave!!! Fascinating the way it flies, isn't it?!"
If you observe the female form of the Over-Enthusiast, you will notice that she is unable to shut her mouth. She doesn't breathe normally when she's talking; she talks until she's out of breath, then stops in the middle of a sentence and gasps for breath before going on. She cannot stand still in her classroom for one second, and will always be talking about other subjects. She often wears clothes that are too big for her (which is actually impossible considering she's already so fat) and if she wears orange you may think you are looking at a pumpkin. She will often give you a writing assignment the day after your exams, and make you read a book in the week before. She is also completely insane.
[edit] The Beard
The bearded teacher, quite possibly the most awesome teacher in the history of the world, can often be found in language classes or science labs; they know all there is to know about both growing beards and their aforementioned subjects. The bearded teacher has never had to pay bills, EVER! This species of teacher is often compared to the acclaimed Chuck T. Norris and Albus Dumbledore, as their beard powers are almost equal (although Chuck Norris's are still better).
There is another kind of bearded teacher, where the beard makes him look like a pornstar, therefore making you feel uncomfortable to be even near him. He tends to think he is hilarious when he isn't and has a wife that is WAY to young for him. Keep any interaction with this kind of teacher as low as possible.
[edit] The Senile
This teacher should have retired ten years ago. If she is a woman, she still dresses like Laura Ingalls Wilder. The "senile" will lose your homework, mix up the test grades, forget to mark you present, and call you by names like "George" and "Betty" that belong to no-one in the class. When they aren't teaching English (the coveted position of seniles everywhere), this teacher is often found wandering aimlessly about the school, wondering what so many children are doing running about. Seniles are always in charge of running detention, but often forget to write down the names of those who showed up. Nothing the "senile" forgets is their problem - it's always your fault. It's part of their tenure.
[edit] The Pretender
This teacher is your best friend. He smiles at the class, makes funny jokes and pretends to be friendly. As soon as you turn your back, however, he is mind-bendingly evil, immediately changing his attitude towards the class and bitching to the other teachers about how bad you are. But don't despair - some day, this fact will be proven beyond doubt, and that, dear reader, will be his downfall. Till then, we can but hope.
As a sub-category, there also exists the Lazy Faker. These can be hard to distinguish from the above as their behaviour is so similar, except for the fact that they are, as the name suggests, incredibly lazy (and most of the time, fat) with a really huge belly and a liking for checking their emails during classes, or calling you to ask how to do this or that on a computer. Will often replace the lesson with a movie that has absolutely nothing to do with his or her subject.
[edit] The Under-Enthusiast
This variety of teacher is usually on the road to retirement. They spend all their time talking about their third wife, how they went to Vietnam (because of their third wife), their children, the food in the cafeteria (just like it was in Vietnam), the decline of Western civilization (due to their children)... just about everything you couldn't give less of a shit about. If and when they bother to actually take the class, you will probably be asleep; if you ask a question, they'll likely point to the book. They really don't care at all what is said about them, because they have lost their faith in mankind.
[edit] The "You are Wrong"
Asking a simple question, he gets the class split into factions fighting one another tooth and nail over who is right. He gets you researching on the wrong paths and learning the wrong facts, only to smugly point out at the end of the class that the question had no answer. Sometimes sharing traits with the "Senile", this type of teacher will rant about how bad the book is and how all other teachers are stupid. Seeing that his way is the only way and that he knows best, he will overcomplicate the most simple tasks and will not accept anything but his answer, whatever it might be at that moment. Impossible assignments are common, so don't even bother taking the test - your best bet is to just suck up to him.
[edit] The Fell-Back
This teacher did not want to be a teacher, but had to "fall back" on the job when their other dreams fell flat. The Fell-Back will blame you for their own sorry life and make your own life a living hell. They are easily identifiable by their horns and pointy tails, as well as the bag of broken dreams they carry over their shoulder. Not all Fell-Backs carry pitchforks, although some do have the tendency to wear tight, bright red jumpsuits and call themselves the Prince (or Princess) of Darkness. Just ignore them.
[edit] The Personality
This teacher often has his or her own set of sayings that drive the class crazy, and likes to believe he or she is very unique and interesting. However amusing he or she may be, one thousand repetitions of "Everybody happy with that?" or "Now this could be the A star question on the paper" just get tiring. However, there are those smart-alecky kids who aspire to be this teacher, and you are STRONGLY advised to stay as far away as possible from both the smart-alecks and the Personality. Seriously, it's contagious.
[edit] The No-Personality
This teacher is basically the opposite of 'The Personality'. The No-Personality (NP) will allow almost anything in class. Not because she doesn't notice or thinks it's not that bad, but because he/she wants to keep you on their side as much as possible. However, bullying her out of class so that she will run to the principal crying is a bad idea, although it has to be said that throwing things (spitballs and erasers are perfect) is supremely amusing. For maximum effect, set it up so that they are thrown from varying parts of the room at specially allocated time slots, for example every 5 minutes. The reaction is reminiscent of a Jack Russel or similar chasing its tail.
[edit] Your Teacher
This person would much rather instruct your class to play games on their mobiles than spend time and energy teaching, but instead they focus all of his/her/its attention on the quiet kid in the corner whose phone happens to be vibrating. Often an alcoholic or sex offender.
[edit] The "Fun" Teacher
The bastard child of both the Pesonality and The Pretender, these teachers try to make the class fun by involving everyone in class projects and trying to build a relationship with their students. These teachers seem awesome on the outside, but on the inside, all they want to do is try to keep the class from getting too hard to handle. You sometimes see failed attempts at being the "Fun" Teacher, where the class just runs and talks all period long and never gets any work done. It can be cool having this teacher, if they know what they're doing.
[edit] No-Balls
The kind of teacher that just threatens to send students to the principle's office or brings in a different teacher to yell at his students all god damn day and never get's any teaching done. They talk a big game but never actually follows through on any threats and are usually the most pasive aggressive of all types of teachers (not grading papers or throwing them away, forcing you to re-do them). Everyone in the classes they teach generally hate these teachers due to their constant bitching and threats and pull almost daily pranks on them.
[edit] The Substitute
These teachers have no control over the class, but are often under the strange delusion that they are in complete and total command. Whenever they want you to do something they'll either:
- Ask you to do it, if you neglect, they'll ask someone else.
- Repeat the command over and over again until you get extremely bored.
- Threaten to call the principal.
- Use deadly force.
Most substitutes tend to be bitchy old people who should be in a retirement home. They may or may not be fat due to their age. A recent study shows that all of them are either retired Splinter cells or Sean Connery lookalikes, although never both. Thats not possible. Similar to Your Teacher, they are all sex offenders. Occasionally they will arrange a meeting where they will combine all their intelligence to form one whole brain cell.
[edit] The Good Teacher
You may only see one of these in your entire life, but it is worth it. Unlike the "Fun" Teacher, this teacher is acctually fun. And, they know everything. And they will acctually make you work. But, you will enjoy it. Generally, they will have a ton of cool things on their walls, and scattered on the floor (they are never neat). They will scream a lot, use silly voices, and curse more then teachers should. Occasionally they will also break into song. The only appropriet reaction to this is to laugh. You will always leave their room feeling enlightened and complentitive. Only dumbasses will dislike this teacher, but you should just ignore then. But, not all will be blissful when you get to the end of the year, and will have to deal with not getting to talk to him every day. Luckily, you will probably realize this at the beginning of the year. At this point, there are two options:
1. Pass the class with flying colors, thus impressing the Good teacher or 2. Fail the class and repeat it.
Some argue that this teacher is a myth. These people are wrong. There are also the teachers right out of Uni who actually take time to completely own the creepy racist guy on the verge of mental collapse. This may backfire in the future becausewhile funny at the time it may result in a shooter. They also, unlike "the pretender" or "the fun teacher" actually keep up to date with things that are funny, like jokes about nerds who play WOW until their eyes fall out.
[edit] What Teachers Do In Their Spare Time
- Juggle the rolls of fat on their stomachs
- Roll around on the floor and ravish a blown-up doll known only as "Billy"
- Pee on the desks.
- Put chewed gum under every single desk, carefully calculated to be in the exact position of the average child's knees.
- Install a swinging axe in the ceiling.
- Put the class hamster in the little microwave.
- Take the can of beer out of the little microwave and take a load off.
- Eat a live baby (preferably a Chinese immigrant).
- Wax their breasts, even if they're men. They then squirt the resulting milk on their face to improve their skin. If they forget to wax, scratching works too.
- Attempt to secretly triple their Xbox Live Gamerscore, although they insist that they "are not gamers!" and will not reveal their gamertag.
- Hang out with hippies that smell like fish.
- Long for your stunning figure.
- Throw darts at the unprivileged.
- Dance to the YMCA, whilst singing 'We Will Rock You', whilst doing a handstand on their dog. He's called George. Don't ask.
- Nothing; they are social rejects.
- Give you a back massage (probably a teacher called Mr. Bok or Rodriguez).
- Try to run over the kids on their way out of school as some kind of sick joke.
[edit] Physical Laws Associated with Teachers
[edit] David's Inverse Square Law
The probablity that you will run into a teacher is inversely proportional to the square of the desire you have to speak with them. Thus:
- When you are hiding from a teacher, they will be everywhere you are, but ten seconds before you, and
- When you really need to speak to one, they will be off campus for the day.
The law can be stated by the mathematical expression:
where Λ is the probability that you will run into a teacher and d is the magnitude of your desire to meet so.
[edit] John's Uncertainty Principle
You can know where a teacher is, or where they are going, but never the two at once. Mathematically, this can be expressed as:
where Δp is the uncertainty of the momentum of the teacher, Δx is the uncertainty of the position of so and 
is Plank's constant.
[edit] The Subject-Teacher Matrix
Certain types of teacher are more prone to some types of torture sessions than others. This phenomenon is still being studied, but it appears to have something to do with PMS. ALSO MR PASCOE, AKA PASSY HAS JUST VERIFIED HE IS THE SON OF SATAN.
