Team Fortress Two
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| Team Fortress 2 | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer | Valve |
| Release Date | After a long long time |
| Genre | Source-based Valve-made FPS happy-joy-universal-synonym-cartoon-fun-war-killing |
| Platforms | PC, Xbox 360, Playstation 3, Wii2 |
| Rating | R for extreme communitsic themes |
| Would Donald Duck play it? | {{{O-Wilde}}} |
“They're only good at taking burly men from behind. A bit sus if you ask me.”
~ A Sniper on Spies
“Need a dispenser here!”
~ A Scout on a lack of dispensers
“Need a dispenser here!”
~ A Scout on a lack of dispensers
“If fighting is sure to result in victory, then you must FIGHT!”
~ Sun Tzu on Victory In War
“Spy zappin' mah Sentret! ”
~ An Engineer on spys sapping his beloved Pokémon
“Erectin' a dispenser! ”
~ An Engineer on compensating for something
“FYI I'm a Spy”
~ A Spy on Coming Out
“Oh my god, they're cheating, they're cheating, aimbot, wallhack, cheat, cheat, cheat!”
~ Anyone on Team Fortress who is losing
“MMMFFPH!”
~ The Pyro on just about anything.
“This looks familiar...”
~ The Incredibles on Team Fortress 2
“I used to be a Scottish Black Biclops! Then that wee little Scout stuck his wee little pencil up my eye!”
~ Demoman on Becoming a Pirate.
Team fortress two is a Source-based Valve-made FPS happy-joy-universal-synonym-cartoon-fun-war-killing game. The game shares the same storyline as it's prequel, Team Fortress Classic. RED Team (Rather Energetic Dinosaurs) fight against BLU Team (Banana Like Unicorns). Many times you will hear that a spy is sappin a sentry.
Both teams are communistic. They fight as gay people, as they are both radicalist communist groups. Although Tf65 has many communistic references, Joseph Stalin has never appeared directly in-game, he can be seen in several secluded sites in the game which the player cannot access, much the same as the G-man in Half Life 2. Valve have denied any communist connections, stating "We can make you... disappear." It was released with one gamemode: "Disco", with others leaked released on 13/1/08.
The game was released as a part of the "Red box", After a 103 billion year development cycle. The game's release also coincided with the end of the world, Which has also lead to the belief that Tf2 is infact a representation of the universe as we know it. During the first Team Fortress 2 prototype playtest, a universal disaster we know as the big bang destroyed Valve's headquaters, as well as vaporising any trace of the first Tf2. But Valve continued their work. Toward the end of Tf2's development, some code was released to earth. This is believed to have kick-started the beginnings of life on earth.
Valve had said "Due to the rather world-bending properties this game seems to have developed, we decided to call in the big guns, aka God." God made some radical changes to the game, including the inclusion of a Jesus class, and the uninclusion of the Hitler and Joseph Stalin classes. After much heated negotiation with God, Valve managed to get the Joseph Stalin class at least minorly included in the game, as they had devoted approximatly 20,000 years to his development.
Contents |
[edit] Gamemodes
- Auto balance
Message displayed when you are auto-balanced.
This is a highly popular gamemode. It is played just like a regular game, but just as your team is capturing the last point, you are spawned on the other team, and you lose.
- Disco
Both teams must try and capture all of the five discos on the level. These discos are represented by a dance floor with a silver dome above it. Players capture them by boogieing down while standing on the dome. The ownership of a disco is determined by the presence of a team colored pair of platform shoes. To capture a disco owned by the other team, the player must put on the team colored platform shoes and attempt to dance. The player's progress is hindered by opposing players attemping to steal the shoes, and if there is someone playing the Jesus class, the Jesus may attempt to cleanse the shoes. This not only sends the shoes to heaven, but turns them white, making the disco owned by Jesus. Any player unlucky enough to be standing in the shoes when they are cleansed, will be vaporised.
- Capture the Intelligence
“Due to the communist nature of both sides the soldiers are very low on toilet paper. The only thing left is the critical info documents that belong to the opposing team.”
~ Valve on Capture the intelligence
Contrary to what it's name suggests, The "Intelligence", is actually comprised of un1337 (noobish) players' brains. This is made possible by an addition to the source engine, allowing noobs to actually put their brains into the game. While this gives them a slight advantage, at the end of each round, Valve automatically download the noobish players' brains to a server in Utah. Valve have not stated when they will return the stolen brains, nor what they are planning to do with them.
- Sudden Death
If a team doesn't win by the end of the round, the game enters sudden death. It is played like a regular round, except the 1337357 player on the server becomes the ledgendary Jesus class. The Jesus has ultimate power, and systematically kills every player on the map slowly, and painfully mercifully.
- Comunication Spam
A couple of kindly players repeatedly call for a teleporter or medic. If someone is playing the Jesus class, the Jesus jams a teleporter AND medic up every player on the servers' ass. The game then ends.
- Spawn camping
In this gamemode, everyone is spawned as Pyros, Engineers and Demomen. There are two teams: The camping team, and the "In existence for a bare millisecond before being blown to pieces" (IEFABMBBBTP) team. The Demomen on the camping team use their amazing clicking powers to lay millions of stickybombs which detonate repeatedly, the Pyros, being the pyromaniacs they are, set the "IEFABMBBBTP" spawn on fire. The Engineers, not wanting to feel left out, set up sentry guns inside the spawn. This gamemode is usually more fun for the "IEFABMBBBTP" team, as they get points for evey time they die, and more points for a horrible death. After a few minutes, the server decides to spawn a Jesus. After being locked in a small room and being blown to pieces repeatedly, the Jesus takes it upon himself to explode the livers of every person playing "Camping". The "Camping" team die painfully shortly thereafter.
- Rocket Jumping
In this gamemode, commonly mistaken with Black cycloptic suicide in two shots mode (BCSITSM), Soldiers use their Rocket launchers to launch themselves over obstacles which could easily be walked around and or through. Unlike in BCSITSM, soldiers can do this about 4 times before blowing themselves, there by defying the laws of physics by remaining perfectly intact for 4 close range rocket hits. Unfortunately, this mode has been attempted by real communists who thought the trailers were training videos, and the cuban rocket force has ever since been erased from the face of the earth (the event is referred to as the Cuban missile crisis).
- Need a dispenser here!
Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here! Need a dispenser here!
[edit] Classes
The game features many different classes, including:
[edit] The Heavy Weapons/Giant Chicken Guy/BlakeyBloke/God
The Heavy Weapons Guy is, as his name suggests, a class made entirely of heavy weapons. The heavy consists of an array of maces, nuclear weapons, miniguns, medieval cannons, anti-tank guns, as well as a few kitchen appliances and a communist hat. Dispite his many weapons, the heavy is the weakest class, as he cannot actually use any of his weapons because he is just a pile of weapons. His main function in-game is to frighten the opposing team by appearing menacing and shouting loudly in russian, and to on his death, cause his team to mutate into a giant chicken for a few seconds. This transformation is temporary, but powerful. An enemy would be lucky to survive it. Infact, the only class that can beat the giant chicken is the Jesus class. The Heavy Weapons guy is the slowest moving class, his only method of transport is a wheelbarrow, pushed by a Large Russian Man. The Russian serves no purpose, other than to push him.
[edit] The Medic
The Medic is armed with a Bonesaw, a Syringe gun, and a Heal Ray. The medic doesn't "fight" in the traditional sense, instead he knocks enemies out with Morphene from his syringes and harvests their organs while they are sleeping with his bonesaw. He then assembles the organs to create a zombie cyborg monster. While his Heal Ray can heal players on the medic's team, the Heal Ray's main purpose is to bring the zombie cyborg monster to life. (Upon which the medic screams "ITS,...ALIVE!!") The zombie cyborg monster only lives for 10 seconds before he explodes into a mass of body parts and goo, but it has been rumored that this monster, while alive is as strong as the Jesus. However this is a great guy to stand behind as he is a 'meatbag'
Thanks to a recent update, there are a number of new weapons available for medics to unlock. As to what these do exactly, no one is sure. They have cryptic names like the Kritskreig and Enema Glove.
edit: it is now known that the medic aquires 3 weapons. One, a blood sucking leech launcher that does nothing more than cause dizziness and a slight phobia of vampires afterwards. Two, a replacement for the heal ray, but you can't be invincible anymore... Gee, thanks. Three, a knife, except now, because of it, you see 5 medics every now and then charging towards your base. Right after, you see 5 dead medics shot down by a sentrygun in front of your base.
[edit] The Demoman aka "Black Scottish Cyclops"
The Demoman uses his extreme grenade launcher and whisky bottle to defeat the enemy. The grenade launcher is so powerful that the grenades will bounce of several walls before coming to a rest. Many n00b demoman will foolishly fire his grenades at the wrong angle, causing them to bounce back and asplode his head. The demoman can also use the explosion from his grenades to throw him across the map to make a demo-man sized hole in the enemies'base wall. Or break all of his bones and paint it a very disgusting colour. The demoman's whisky bottle has two functions. Left click will smash the whisky bottle and allow you to stab people to death in a bar room brawl type fight. The right click will drink the whisky, making the demoman so drunk that he will try and have sex with all and every player on the map. In this drunken state the demoman feels no pain and will only die by Castration. this is a good thing as most enemies dont take kindly to his advances and pump his face full of lead. The main strategy while playing the demoman is to aim in the general direction of the enemy and click as much as possible without destroying your mouse, which makes it the best class for nOObs.
[edit] The Pyro
As his name suggests, the pyro is an escaped pyromaniac from a mental aslyum. After his escape, he spent two years living in a landfill. This is where he built his main weapon, the Flamethrower. The flamethrower, unlike regular flamethrowers, runs on a Cleenheat BBQ Gas Canister™, which can be exchanged for no cost at your nearest gas station. The flamethrower, due to its construction out of rubbish found in landfill, and it's construction by an aslyum escapee, is of a poor quality, and is prone to unexpected explosions. The explosions have the power to kill every class in one hit, except the Jesus. The pyro also carries a Fire Axe, which he uses to "put out" enemies who are on fire.
[edit] The Spy
The spy is a class designed for nOObs in denial. The spy is armed with three weapons. The first is the Revolver, some say this weapon was used by John Wayne and so has legendary accuracy. Secondly, he carries a disguise kit. Which he uses to pretend to be a tree, and so not get shot. The disguise kit can also be used to dress up as a cosplayer or a furry so that all the other players are reluctant to touch them.
He also has a "Electro-Sapper", a type of earmuffs for electrical devices, which the spy uses to cover a sentry gun, dispenser, or teleporter's ears, rendering them useless. If this is done, the Engineer will immediately be alerted and make an exclamation. Various things that the Spy can sap, according to the Engineer:
Spy's Sappin' Mah:
Sentries
Teleporters
Dispensers
Castles
Cake
Maple Trees
Hoedowns
Steam Accounts
Ladies (Spy: "I'd Sap That!")
His most powerful weapon, however, is his knife. If used while the enemy is facing you, you get a 1-hit-kill called a "headshot". but if you stab a player while they are facing away, it will do very little damage. The spy's main purpose is to turn invisible, and then attempt to trip opposing players over by crouching in front of them. If he doesn't manage to trip anyone over, he uninvisiblises right in front of them, and stabs them in the head with his knife.
It is rumored that the spy can turn indestructable. This is supposedly done by being invisible, and running into a Pyro's jet of flame.
The pryo is related to kenny from south park because, you can't hear them speaking, they're both dirt poor, and they both have a 500% chance of dying every two and half secs.
[edit] The Soldier
[edit] The Engineer
The engineer serves three purposes. First of all, he builds sentry guns. These sentry guns are powerful, but are easy to run past. The weakness of the sentry gun is that spies can place earmuffs over them, which will render them useless, while eventually asplodeing them. The engineer's second purpose is to accuse each and every team member of being a spy, whilst hitting them with his wrench. His third purpose is to build gumball machines thoughou the map making his team very happy. The engineer's only weakness is that he can only solve practical problems, failing miserably when he attempts to solve problems that fall within the purview of conundrums of philosophy.
[edit] The Scout aka
The scout is another class that does not fight. He instead uses his high-pitched whiny voice to annoy the opposing team while running away - out of reach. BOINK
[edit] The Sniper (cancelled)
The sniper class was cancelled during production as he bore too much resembelence to the late Steve Irwin, and for using the laser on his sniper to blind pilots, banning all laser pointers in Australia. The sniper was then replaced with the Jesus Class, until a recent patch returned him to all his glory. For an arsenal, the sniper enjoys three weapons: The long range, phallic shaped weapon to make the heavy class rage quit, a secondary weapon which excels at creating epic battle sequences between fly and sniper, and a really cool melee weapon. Well, it's not as cool as the bonesaw. Nor the axe or broken bottle. Come to think of it, I can't remember what it is but I'm sure its really masculine and awesome. As the most badass class in TF2, the sniper embeds glass in people's eyes and turns their head into mush.
[edit] The Jesus
Little is know about the Jesus or why he fights for the communists. An even stranger question is why he is able to fight on both sides simultaneosly. His weapons include: Holyness, Connections in "high" places, A sword made of fire that shoots lightning and a goatse. Jesus's main attack is to stand still and let the opposing force kill him. He then becomes an hero and his team fights 200% better, after about 3 minutes Jesus comes back to life and then stops the fighting and tries to spread a message of peace and love. At this point both sides kill him continue as they were.
As expected, however, this game is still Jack Thompson's personal favourite.
[edit] Achievement system
Valve have recently introduced a system of achievements for the underplayed turned overplayed medic class.
These include:
- FYI I am medic
- Tell everyone on the server exactly what the spies on your team are disguising as.
- Hypocritical oath
- Calling someone an awful medic whist playing medic, refusing to heal people because their cries of pain annoy you.
- Quadruple bypass
- Eat an incredibly large hamburger wilst a scout eats a tasty ham and salad sandwich.
- Chief of staff
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GrindAccumulate 100,000 trillion healpoints, while standing on your head
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