Techno

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Contrary to popular belief, Techno was not created by white people to enjoy drugs, Japanimation, and masturbating at rates of over 140 strokes a minute. Techno was actually created by Detroitian gangsters Almer "Scarface" Frappachino and Bugs Morgan as a new method of disposing of redundant useful business partners. In this role it failed abysmally for reasons which are, with hindsight, quite obvious; yet it soon found acceptance among the youth of the day, until now scarcely a Sunday morning goes by unaccompanied by the thumping of a twelve-hour drug-fuelled rave in the fields.

Techno is often confused with trance, which really isn't techno but an excuse for grown men to wear fluffy purple leg warmers as well as the preferred music choice of American comedian and actor Eddie Murphy.

Techno was derived from House music, which was innovated by Og the caveman who just happened to be banging a rock on the ground at 120 BPM when two previously miserly and elderly newts stumbled along, proclaimed the moment a spiritual revelation before declaring undying love for each other and dancing until point of insanity and eventual death. Later disco stole techno and transformed it into something popular amongst black folk; the musical equivalent of Oprah Winfrey. Trance, of course, traces its roots back to Og's companion Ug, known for his mastery of banging his feet on the ground at 130 BPM whilst wearing a movement restricting brace of fluffy purple leg warmers. Techno is rapidly becoming the music of choice for 15-year old suburban white kids trawling the Interweb for "something with a beat nigga". It has also found favour with Albanian house wives who have adopted the sound as their own by feeding the sound of second hand Tandy Washing Machines through a sampler and fiddling with buttons until a Messiah appears and proclaims the scene a musical miracle. This highly innovative and spiritual form of techno is also known as 'rinse-out cycle beat'. Other known groups to have adopted techno as their own include the Palestinian Parliament, Captain Bird's Eye factory workers and the Bolton Wanderers reserve squad who play Jeff Mill's seminal epic 'The Odyssey of Ug' before every training session.

In the future, we will all be fed techno intravenously - something which is already happening in both Japan and Croydon. Recently actor Les Dennis suffered a near fatal overdose of intravenous techno after finding his Thai wife engaging in a sexual practice known as 'the reverse cowgirl' with an 18 year old pantomime villain.

Today, in the USA, Techno is a class B drug, being worse than metal, but not as bad as emo. This classification is highly controversial however, as metal (a class C drug in the US) has been commonly reported to induce anger in people, leading to various dangerous riots across the world. Techno, on the other had is reported to have the opposite effect, making people euphoric and friendly rather than hostile. Due to this, a reclassification has been suggested but this will not go down well with the American youth. In the UK, Techno was recently reclassified as a class A drug due to stuff happening. In the UK, if found in possession of techno, you can be given a 14 year life imprisonment for the intention to supply.

1 A sample of techno
2 A sample of Hardstyle

[edit] A sample of techno

oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz beep oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz beep ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooontz bep bep beeeep ontz ontz ontzz zong

[edit] A sample of Hardstyle

BASS KICK BASS KICK BASS KICK

[edit] A sample of Neo techno

zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont beep beep beep beep beep beep zoont zoont zoont zoont

[edit] Another sample

oontz oontz oontz buff bam bam bam bam oontz oontz oontz ooooooontz bang buff baff oooooooooooooooooooooooontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz oontz beeeep baaaaaaang oontz oontz oontz oontz beep BOOOOOM

[edit] Another sample of techno

ALALALA OOnt oont oont boont boont "im a male but i sound female thank you computer god" oont boont lalala BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ tumb tumb tumb Onnnnt zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz beep boob boop boob Shizzzzleelele zam!!

beep beep beep beep beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeeep beep beep beep beep beep

[edit] Techno Lyrics

(robotic voice) Drop The Bass!

(unintelligible chanting in Arabic)

(completely overdone female vocal track) IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT

(faint inspirational audio sample of MLK speech)

IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT

(random gregorian chant in Latin)

[edit] Techno example with music and lyrics

doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doodle-ump doomp doomp doomp doodle-ump doomp

Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! The system...is down! Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! Down! Down! Down! Down!

Danh danh doh dah danh doh doh dah dah DOOSH!

Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! The system...is down! Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! Down! Down! Down! Down!

boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP!

[edit] Techno with black people

For some reason black people have yet to realize that white people stole their creation. They have yet to demand it back, and also demand an apology for removing the "Detroit" sound (guns, train wrecks, General Motors and Chinese Nation of World Domination style folk-saxophone).

[edit] Important electronic devices commonly used in techno production

[edit] ??What is techno??

Techno is music you can play fast forward, and have it still sound alright.

Techno is music you can remove lyrics from, and have it still sound alright.

Techno is music you can abruptly stop, and have it still sound alright.

Techno is music you can make sound like any other song of that genre.

Techno is music that is the biggest known threat to the continued existence of curried condoms.

Techno is music that is so mindblowing that you can't tell the difference between one track and another.

Techno is music that brainwashes you subliminally.

Techno is also your mum. But only on Tuesdays and as long as she is Albanian.

Techno is music that turns dick/vagina into a robot like Daft Punks.

[edit] Sub-genres of techno

Over the years since its invention, techno has matured into a diverse and melodic range of sub-genres and related styles. We can hope to catalogue only a few of them here.