Technobabble

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Let the soothing face of Captain Kirk lull you into a false sense of security.

Hello, sorry for the wait! You've reached Spaceship Technical Support (STS)! I'm your on-call assistant. Please state the nature of your problem for me, and we'll get to work. Sir, slow down, I can only help you one problem at a time. You say your engines, life support, shields, and weapons are all offline? That's a problem. Sorry, sir, but I can't go any faster, you'll have to be patient.

1 EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARM
2 Blinking Lights
3 WHOOP, WHOOP! BEEP BOP BOOP!
4 The Whatchamakallit
5 The Loud Computer Voice That Counts Backwards
6 Emergency Shutoff Valve
7 The Big Red Button
8 A Bitchslap From The Universe

[edit] EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARM

Hello, kind sir, could you please tell me where I am?

First of all, when you stop hearing the "EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARM", you need to start worrying. The "EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARM" is the only barrier between you and disaster.

Is it on? Are you sure? ...because this is the easiest step. People call in, thinking their EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARMS are plugged in, when really they're not. It wastes everyone's time. Lots of people think they can ignore the "EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARM" and they just call me when something's wrong. Are you sure? Okay, good. In fact, turn up the volume on it so that you're sure.

[edit] Blinking Lights

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! I'M JUST A GIANT KILLER ROBOT!

When you're done with that, go to the giant control panel with all the lights on it and turn it off. Nobody needs that many lights. In fact, it's good that you have a control room with a whole "gaggle" of lights: it means that your intergalactic spaceship was made before 1980, and it makes my job that much easier. After 1980, scifi spaceships started getting all comp'lcated.

There are a few terms we here at STS are never supposed to use, but the worst one, including cuss words, is "ya know what I mean?" There is nothing on a scifi spaceship that easy to figure out. Everything is connected with either a big red button or a loud computer voice that counts backwards, both of which will be explained shortly.

[edit] WHOOP, WHOOP! BEEP BOP BOOP!

Please locate your android engineer and make sure he's functioning. His chest covers a panel of all sorts of bells and whistles. Are you sure that he's working fine? Okay, good. Lots of people call STS before checking to make sure that the android is working.

It's too bad that he's working, cuz that would've been easy. Okay, it wouldn't have been easy. In fact it would've been a huge pain in the ass. Let's make sure that he's working, okay? Is he a wisecracking smartaleck, or is he a gentle being who is trying to figure out what it is to be human? If he's the first one you've got a problem because you're in a goofball comedy. If he's the second one it's okay because you're on a serious "Space Opera."

He's the second one? Oh shit, this is going to be complicated if that guy can't fix whatever it is that you're yelling about.

[edit] The Whatchamakallit

The 19th century was full of techno-babble, they just didn't know it.

We here at STS want to make sure that you aren't calling for no reason and therefore wasting our time. Okay, I want you to make sure that whatever it is you're screaming about isn't caused by the following:

Ghosts: Are you sure it isn't ghosts? I mean, ghosts are magical 'n shit. Okay, if you're sure it's not ghosts in your wiring, then...
Immorality: ...Is it your very soul? You could be causing problems with the big guy upstairs and not be aware of it. That could be why your gyroscopic-hoosits is on the fritz. Please eject any gaybos marijuana smokers into space just to make sure.
You're stupid: Are you sure you're not just a big ol' ball of stupid? If you're so damn smart, why do you need my minimum wage help, huh, Mr. where no man has gone before?
Are you hopped up on goofballs?: Are you high, man, cuz like *GIGGLE* you're driving that spaceship around like an idiot!
Are you not hopped up on enough goofballs?: Cruising around the universe is tough. You need to be sure that you have enough drugs in your system to keep on truckin'. Maybe some caffeine pills?

[edit] The Loud Computer Voice That Counts Backwards

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! I'M JUST A MANNEQUIN WITHOUT LEGS!

Is there a loud computer voice counting backwards? This is a serious problem that we at STS always get. Is it a male voice or a female voice? I guess it doesn't really matter, but so long as the "EVERYTHING'S OKAY ALARM" is operational, it's hard to tell. You'd better turn up the volume on the alarm to drown out the scary voice. That scary voice usually starts counting backwards at least four times per episode if your scifi show is good, three times per day if it's just "okay."

Do you have a microwave oven onboard? OOOooohkaay THAT'S what it is. What did you say your problem was again? Is it a walk-in microwave? In that case, make sure that you put it at medium for 200 minutes.

[edit] Emergency Shutoff Valve

You need to turn off the water underneath the sink first before you go fiddlin' with the little knobs up top. You see that thingy right there? To your left? Yeah, you accidentally rerouted that to turn off the lights in the shower. Flip that switch and you'll see that... no no no, "FLIP" it not "FLICK" it. There's a big difference. Yeah, we get that all the time.

Okay, now you see that knob on top of the first knob? It's completely useless, don't mess with it. You see the steering wheel? I want you to nudge that to the left... now the right... NOW QUICK THE LEFT! Clip the yellow wire and apply gauze. Hit the monitor with a hammer, leave the room to get towels, and quickly plug the radioactive gas leak.

Set your Schrödinger Flux Capacitor to 300º for 50 minutes, and apply thoroughly. Don't leave it running unattended, or if you do, make sure you have something to do for 50 minutes. Remember, don't mix the whites with the colors.

Please remember: DO NOT plug it in until you are dry!

[edit] The Big Red Button

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! I'M JUST A BUILDING!

PLEASE don't press "The Big Red Button". I can tell you right now that that's a serious problem we here at STS always get. Usually, pressing "The Big Red Button" will shut off the "EVERYTHINGS OKAY ALARM" which will activate the "Loud Computer Voice That Counts Backwards". What happens after the "Loud Computer Voice That Counts Backwards" is done doing whatever it is that it does is far too horrible to tell.

The room fills with nerve gas: Why did you install that "Big Red Button" anyway? You knew the room would fill with nerve gas!
The spaceship explodes: Oh jesus, no! That's where I keep all my stuff!
Guns drop from the ceiling and shoot everybody: Oh hellz nah!
Flamethrowers pop out of the floor and burn you: Oh hellz nah!
The secret panel opens revealing an even bigger red button: Oh thank god you didn't fuck everybody over. What? You pressed that one? Oh Jesus, no.
Black hole + Volcano: When you press "The Big Red Button", it's like a black hole and a volcano marry and have kids, and those kids all become serial killers with a grudge.

[edit] A Bitchslap From The Universe

DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! I'M JUST A DUDE IN A SUIT!

I think your problem has to do with "The Big Blue Button." You pressed it one too many times on that control panel thing. That's why "The Big Red Dutton" is doing all sortsa crazy shiznit all over the damn place. Here's what's going to happen to you in the next 24 hours:

Everybody dies: That's a given. There's no hope, especially if this is the series finale of whatever scifi show you're on.
Aliens take over: It's a coincidence that, during your weakest hour, an alien ship appears off the port bow, shooting all sortsa crazy shit at ya'.
You find true love: 5 minutes before the ship blows to smithereens, you finally announce your love to your commander. He thinks it's kinda weird, seeing as how he's not gay, but you both embrace in your first homosexual experience.
That loud computer voice: The reactor, or whatever, is gonna blow up n' shit. You've got 10 seconds!

10
At this point, you shouldn't really be worried. It could turn off all by itself, it could just be a guy yelling in your ear, or you could be hearing voices. There's nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about...

9
You're safe, for now: It still could be a dream. Don't let it get much further.

8
At this point, you and the other person trying to shut off the loud computer voice that counts backwards are starting to sweat.

7
"Oh shit, where are the keys to the loud computer voice control room? You put them where? Oh no, please don't tell me SHE has the keys! I don't ever want to see her again after what she did!"