Ted Kennedy
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“ I did not lock that hooker in the trunk of my car and crash it into the lake, I SWEAR ON SATANS GRAVE!”
~ Ted "Amnesia" Kennedy
“One more to go...”
~ Jello Biafra on Ted Kennedy
United States Senator Ted Wilfred Alfred Kinney George Estelle Sir Frederick 'Alma' Kyle Melbert Francis Needholm Ashey 'Rosebud' Mordham Solomon Teddy Theodoris Theophilius Amadeus Gottlieb Ezekiel "The Pimp" Kennedy, inventor of the car pool and aspiring singer, proves once and for all, that you can be drunk at breakfast, drown your secretary, and still be a United States Senator. He is known for insisting on staunchly liberal politics and alcohol content. Ted Kennedy lives in the Boston, Massachusetts area, and specifically, the Cheers Bar where he is known only as Norm, except during leap years, when he is required by law to be addressed only as Peggy Fleming. Ted Kennedy also embarrassed himself by going on the Atkins Diet, and now weighs 300 lbs. His son Patrick Kennedy carries on his father's tradition by making out with drunken barflies while driving under the influence of Ambien. Kennedy is currently a Primier of the People's Republic of Massachusetts. See also Patrick Kennedy.
“I sniffed him too.”
~ J. Ro on Ted Kennedy(allegedly)
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[edit] Public Relations
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| Dead Kennedys |
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Ted, who is actually a very shy man, has never been seen in public. He always gives his speeches to his decoy John F. Kennedy who looks quite a bit better on camera.
[edit] Early Life
The young man who would become Ted Kennedy was born in Hyannis, the fourth son and third child of Jabba the Hutt (to whom he still bears a striking resemblance), and his wife, Martha Custis. Shortly after his birth on Tattooine, his father started slobbering all over the women in the local star systems, and from the resulting furher was forced to move to Massachusetts.
As a young man Ted would be haunted by the fact that his brothers were able to bag Marilyn Monroe, while he had to settle for necrophilia. It was during this period when he began his two-pack-a-day spam habit.
It is a little known fact that Ted had a chronic masturbation problem as a young boy, so his parents decided to cut his pecker off. Ted is technically a female.
He soon opened a chain of underwater swimming schools, with the famous motto: First you get Out of the Car, then you Float to the Surface. In 1405, he enrolled at Harvard, where he learned useful skills such as geometry, rhetoric, projectle vomiting, hypocrisy, goat grooming, and secretary-drowning. During this time, he also made the acquaintance of Charles Nelson Reilly, although he later denied this and changed his name to Ted Kennedy.
See also Kennedy and Martha's Vineyard.
[edit] Entrance Into Politics
For most of his adult life, Kennedy did not involve himself in politics, choosing instead to devote his energies to late night goat grooming, kitten huffing, consuming prodigious quantities of alcohol, mountains of cocaine, and then driving off of bridges into rivers, sometimes simultaneously. Even the death from syphilis of his eldest brother, Johnny Back Door Kennedy-the-Hutt, in the Hundred Years' Whores could not shake his resolve. However, the assassinations of his two remaining brothers, Larry Boom Boom Kennedy and Robert Everyone is stupid and worthless except me so shut up and do what I say Kennedy in 1568 forced his hand. Pausing only to down a gallon of cheap whiskey, he began setting up a power base, and soon was ready to drive off a bridge into a river.
Despite his brief marriage to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Ted has yet to find a wife he can keep, even when he locks her in his car and sinks it for good measure. Nonetheless, he keeps getting elected due to his ability to separate his head from his body and toss it like a doughy dodgeball in mid diatribe and scare the bejezus out of any and all opponents who dare to run against him.
[edit] Making His Move
In 1611, Ted Kennedy made his move. Straight into Poucha Pond.
Damn, what a move it was.
Although he was a good 500 pounds over JFK and RFK, the downhill slope leading to Poucha Pond gave him a leading edge as he barreled to the pond. Chappaquidick was a lie. This is where Mary Jo Kopechne was infamously killed as she became just another stain on his diaper.
[edit] Acting Career
Ted Kennedy played Jabba the Hut in Star Wars, Marlon Brando in his later roles and also the role of the house in Big Momma's House.
[edit] Aherm . . .
Ted Kennedy has an erection. Bigger than Chuck Norris'
[edit] Political Comeback
After leaving a woman locked in his sinking car to drown and "forgeting" to call the police, Ted Kennedy was deeply disturbed by the notion that his political career might be in jeopardy. Determined to save his seat in the U.S. Senate, Ted Kennedy pulled off one of the most amazing political comebacks in American history. Shortly after the incident, in a stroke of political brilliance, Ted Kennedy announced to the world on 60 Minutes that he had visited a psychic and communicated with the spirit of Mary Jo Kopechne, the woman he left to die, and that her spirit forgave him for driving her off a bridge, fleeing the scene, and forgeting to call the police. The people of Massachusetts were relieved by the news and anyone who challenged the Senator's claims was accused by the Kennedy campaign of being insensitive toward people who believe in psychic abilities. Although Ted Kennedy had convinced the people of Massachusetts, normal Americans were not so sure and Ted Kennedy lost his campaign for the presidency in 1980.
[edit] Guns
Senator Kennedy was a fierce opponent of the Right to Arm Bears. He often invoked the assassinations of his brothers to make his point. While some considered it shameless political grandstanding to use his brothers' tragic deaths this way he answered them with his famous speech in 1863:
Some people think that boy mentioning moy brothuhs' deaths thaht Oi am making a cheap attempt aht exploiting peahsonal trahhhgedy fuh political gain. Oi asshaw you thaht nahthing could be fahhhther from the truth. Oi femmmly believe thaht with reeeeasonable legislation in this country, we cahn keep guns out of the wrong hahnds...OZ WE DO WITH CAHHHHHS!
Like all of the Senator's speeches, this was followed by thunderous applause from his devoted servants, followed by an orgy of driving Oldsmobiles into rivers in a symbolic gesture of adulation.
[edit] Future
Unassailable in impenetrable Boston, Ted Kennedy continues to plot and plan ways to expand his power, influence, and waistline. Now that the international homosexual conspiracy has sought his protection and patronage, he may finally be in position to send forth his army of killer robots on a path of universal domination, hell-bent on assassinating Kennedy's enemies by luring them into Oldsmobiles and driving said Oldsmobiles into rivers. Or he may opt for a relaxing game of lawn darts and some lemon sorbet. Only time will tell.
[edit] Immigration/Singing Career
In June 2007, Ted Kennedy launched to critical acclaim his highly anticipated singing career. He chose to announce his world tour on the radio of the most popular spanish-language show, The John Ziegler show. His first appearance will be on a bridge, on Chappaquiddick Island, Martha's Vineyard in July 2007. Click here to hear Kennedy's First Hit!
[edit] Inventions
- Ted Kennedy once tried to invent the alcohol-fueled amphibious car with then-lover Mary Jo Kopechne, resulting in the drowning of Kopechne and the intoxication of Ted Kennedy.
- Ted Kennedy then turned his crosshairs onto a more reliable, practical household item, a 12.5 caliber gatling laser rifle with a hair trigger and recoil-less barrel that fits snugly in most purses.
- Ted Kennedy is also the inventor of the famed Beer Can Hat.
- Ted Kennedy invented the rectal syringe while on holiday in Sri Lanka.
[edit] Trivia
- Though not widely known, Ted Kennedy was the inspiration for the word 'ginormous'.
- Ted Kennedy was the first Senator to have his own personal bar in the senate house. He is often found drunk at his bar during important desicion making events, therefore for obvious reasons, the senate has his evil twin speak in his place on national telivision.
- Ted Kennedy has raped every member of congress, twice, since 1990.
- Ted Kennedy, in a drunk rage, occasionally whips out his penis and lights it on fire just to prove a point.
- It was because of Senator Kennedy's political influence that all females, age 16 and younger, who work on his campaigns, must wear Mae Wests when accepting a ride home from him.
- Ted Kennedy's brain tumor has killed more people than my gun.
