Teeism

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Mr. T, in stained glass.

Teeism is the belief that Mr. T is the prophet for, and physical incarnation of, God upon this earth. Adherents of Teeism are called Teeists. They believe that they can only achieve salvation by acknowledging that they are nothing but poor, miserable wretches, cursed by ignorance, compared by Mr. T. Only by acknowledging that they are, in fact, fools, will T be moved to grant them his pity. The symbol of Teeism is a lowercase “t”. You can recognize Teeists by the “t” around their neck, and their houses of worship are likewise decorated by a large “t”. If you do encounter someone with a “t” hung around their neck, it is considered polite conversation to ask them about their worship of Mr. T.

Christians often complain about the use of the symbol, saying that the “t” has been their symbol for 2000 years, to which Teeists respond that if this is the case, then clearly the copyright has expired.

The truth is, that Mr. T is not God Incarnate, because in 1914 Mr. T pitied God. This led to World War I.

You could read more about the religion in what critics are calling the next Bible, "The Big-Ass Book of Teeism."

1 Central tenets of Teeism
2 Teachings of Teeism
3 Symbols and Rituals of Teeism
4 Enemies of Teeism
5 See Also

[edit] Central tenets of Teeism

Mr. T is the embodiment of physical, mental, and spiritual perfection, and embodiment of Almighty God upon the physical plane
His apostles are Face, Hannibal, and Murdock
In order to pay for the crimes of humanity, Mr. T was imprisoned for a crime he did not commit.
Mr. T is not the exclusive prophet of God- merely the most bad-ass. If the central figures of all other faiths- Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha- ganged up on Mr. T, he would still kick their collective asses.
MacGyver is a false prophet
Those who do not accept Mr. T will be doomed to spend eternity watching MacGyver reruns. That might sound lenient, but consider this: after watching the same MacGyver episode for the 900,000th time, you'll want to kill yourself... and you can't, because you're already dead!!
The quality of “The X-files” seriously declined in the last few years of the show

[edit] Teachings of Teeism

The good book itself.

If someone hits you upon the face, turn the other cheek. Then when he’s preparing to hit that cheek, smack that poor fool in the head like a ton of bricks.
Parable of the two cows.
Flying sucks.
Pity the Fool.

[edit] Symbols and Rituals of Teeism

The symbol of the T
The Drinking of Tea. The tea transubstantiates into the blood of Mr. T, thus it is known as "Drinking T". If you are on the street and hear someone talk about "Drinking T" you can be sure they are a devout Teeist.
Teeists tend to drive big red-and-black vans, which symbolize the spiritual journey which one embarks upon when becoming a Teeist.
Teeists wear heavy gold chains around their necks. These chains symbolize the heavy weight placed upon the spirit by being a fool.
Teeists also have mohawks. These Mohawks symbolize how freakin’ cool it is to have a mohawk.

[edit] Enemies of Teeism

MacGyver. MacGyver is a false prophet, who, like the pitiful fool he is, claims he is equal to Mr. T and his apostles combined ( a “one man A-team”). Repeating this heresy is punishable by death, or at least being pitied as fool.
Ateeists. People who do not believe in Mr. T; they will be damned for all eternity.
The military, which wants to imprison Mr. T and his apostles for a crime they did not commit.
The Cylons.
Mr. T. Mr. T is a follower of Christianity, and believes that Christ, not Mr. T, is the savior of mankind. Since this will result in the central figure of Teeism being damned for eternity for not believing in himself, it creates a difficult paradox which Teeist theologists have yet to unravel.
Chuck Norris. The Universe was created when Chuck roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the chains, causing the Big Bang. He still pitys the fool who kicked him.
David Berry. David Berry does not think that Mr T is real and wishes to become the almighty pittied fool
Andrew Wray. Andrew Wray only believes in the 9th dimension and is the current owner of www.everything-sucks.com yet he is not an EMO! and is a devoted Ateeist.