Tefillin
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“Tefillin are phylacteries.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tefillin
“What's phylacteries?”
“Phylacteries are tefillin.”
~ Alex Trebek on Phylacteries
“In Soviet Russia, tefillin wears YOU!!'”
~ Russian reversal on Tefillin
Tefillin, worse known as phylacteries, are a Jewish ritual item worn by Madonna when she is filming porn (sometimes called "music videos").
Although Madonna wears tefillin, some other people wear tefillin too. It is common for Jews to wear tefillin when they are praying or pretending to be a Rabbi.
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[edit] History
[edit] Biblical Period
On the eighth day, a snake whipped Adam with Tefillin, and threatened his life with Tefillin and apples. Ever since, a secret society of snakes has made sure that Jews do not stray from the tradition.
[edit] Rabbinic Period
In 70 CE, with the destruction of the Temple in Jerusalem, Madonna began to beat herself with Tefillin to mourn, or to appeal to supporters of masochism. A Rabbi came along, and, liking the former idea, said that Jews were now commanded to wear Tefillin all day long.
[edit] The Medieval Period
People got exhausted of wearing Tefillin all day long. A Rabbi named Rambam said, "Let's be rational about this and stop wearing Tefillin all day!" The Jews then chose to wear Tefillin only once a day. It is interesting to note that a Rabbi named Rashi had a few daughters who, like Madonna later would, wore Tefillin, but only in music videos without images that could be deemed pornography.
[edit] The Enlightenment
In the 18th Century, Moses Mendelsohn, a Rabbi whose name was a hilarious alliteration, studied secular sciences. After years of trying to blend the knowledge of the Jewish tradition with the "outside world", he finally created glow-in-the-dark Tefillin.
[edit] The Modern Period
After perfecting Tefillin by even adding iPods to the headpiece of the Tefillin, Jews have come to the conclusion that it is better not to wear Tefillin because it would be inappropriate to be listening to music while they are trying to pray.
[edit] Tefillin Pieces
[edit] Hand Tefillin
Known in Hebrew as תפילין של יד (literally "Tefillin of the Hand"), the Hand Tefillin comprises a box with a leather strap that wraps around the arm (and the hand a little bit).
[edit] Head Tefillin
Known in Hebrew as תפילין של ראש (literally "Tefillin of the Head"), the Head Tefillin comprises a box with leather straps that droop in front of Jews when they pray and hit their neighbors when they sway.
[edit] Parchment
The boxes of the Head and Hand Tefillin contain parchments that have quotes from the Bible and a piece that says in Aramaic, "How to keep an idiot busy: See the parchment in the other Tefillin box".
[edit] Prayers for Tefillin
It is common for Jews, before putting on their Tefillin, to recite two blessings following the common Jewish prayer formula of "Praised Are You Lord our God who has sanctified us through His commandments" and additional personal thoughts such as "Thank God I don't have to wear these things at work, unlike my ancestors" and "Dear God, I'm gonna be in such pain in a minute".
[edit] Famous People Who Wear Tefillin At Least Once a Day
[edit] How to Buy Tefillin
It is very common among capitalists to use money in order to purchase Tefillin.
[edit] Where Tefillin Comes From
Although Tefillin often is made from animal skin, many Jews believe that Tefillin comes, rather, from Brooklyn.
