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“Square, Square, Triangle, R2+X..wait... square, square, R...aaaargh!!!*throws controller*”

~ You on Tekken

“Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Circle, Square, Square”

~ Jesus on How to get Qwark in a Tutu

“Up, Up, Up, harder, harder...yeah thats right. Oh wait, faster, faster, come on!! faster....oh yeah thats the shit. Yeah in that spot. Lower...lower....lower......up up up up square”

~ Guy Playing Tekken, Not having Sex

“d/f+b,b,b,b, no,wait that's soulcalibur!”

~ Confused Gamer

“I don't play tekken, it bores me.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“In Soviet Russia, Yoshimitsu always uses you!!”

~ Russian Reversal on Tekken

“Hahaha! No one seems to have noticed that I am the only one with enough common sense to use a sword against shirtless people armed only with their bare fists!”

~ Yoshimitsu on himself in Tekken

Contents 1 Introduction 2 Innovative Control Mechanism 2.1 Pre-Tekken 6 concepts and the PS3's new controller 3 Story 3.1 How it all began 3.2 Games 3.2.1 Tekken Lag Tournament 3.2.2 Tekken Advance Adventure 4 Characters 5 Fun facts about Tekken 6 Controversy

[edit] Introduction

Tekken is a delightful pothole reality fighting show on Television produced by the Namco company. It is the company's flagship fighting title for the PlayStation and television. The first in the videogame series was Tekken: The First Sniff, which was then followed by an updated version due to controversy. Tekken 2: Substance Abuse was released later which gained critical acclaim.

The videogame franchise's best success came with Tekken 3: Intoxication which not only involved sniffing for incoming attacks, but used the smell of spirits for special 'unblockable attacks' Along with a new snort system utilized by pressing R4. Tekken 4: Tekkening the Piss was the first game exclusively for the PlayStation 2 (aside from the cult classic Tekken: What a Fucking Taggot which sold well in Mediocre Britain). However, the faultiness of the new SOAP interface (see below) damaged early sales and it looked like Tekken may have been going to the dogs. Tekken 5: The Anal Package reinvigorated the series, and was followed by an upgrade, Tekken 5.2: Eating Shit that is also named Tekken 5.5: SOAP Returns. The game featured the new rape system which allowed characters to rape their opponent, shocking them, and instantly knocking them out. The upgrade featured a Russian dancer named Sir Gay Jakinov that decided to win the King of Iron Buttocks Tournament in order to gain the SOAP technique all for himself, which was returned to the game with a twist - blowing your nose adds explosives to the attack and the noseplugs clean themselves using urine once in about googolplex multiplied by pi divided by the speed of light in femtometres per year multiplied by the golden number (the one that looks like a snail shell) minus log207. This number is to be divided by zero. Tekken 6: The Unbreakable Coke Pill will bring new characters such as Eustace and the Green Witch. Two new stages will be playable, and they are Zimbabwe Seaport (North-North-East-West-Left-Down-Right-Up) and the Underground Lair. According to Ngi, the game will feature the new bind system where you bind him to a silver chair taunting him with Tekkenizated coke, driving him mad in the process. Then you do the pimp slap of death(Yes, another reference to GTA: San Andreas) to him and he becomes your personal slave, and you have to feed him with shit every 5 minutes, thus giving the game it's name: Tekken 5.5: Eating Shit

[edit] Innovative Control Mechanism

Thanks to the invention of console-compatable Snuff Boxes from the innovative M1cR0s0ft, Tekken was the world's first Smell Activated Pad (SOAP) which utilises nose plugs to smell incoming attacks and the player's nostril moneouvres to execute the charaters' moves. Unfortunately it was discovered that the interface became quite dirty and snotty over time, and consequently it was pulled from the market.

[edit] Pre-Tekken 6 concepts and the PS3's new controller

According to Namco, the new Tekken 6 system would consist of limb buttons and sensors which would enable the players to play Sudoku and control their character at the same time. In case of receiving damage by the new rage system, the player would get a shock a couple of thousend degrees. It would also enable your charcter to paralyse and smash your opponent to pieces when the player is in an angry state, while counrty music is being played in the background. Also the system produces a burning sensation to the nervs and causes an orgasm when the player have successfully defeated the opponent. Although a number of veteran players were hostile to this new system, many newcomer (or Newbies) warmly welcomed the idea as some stated that the Idea "thouched the spot".

Some interviews were made from these new fans to the series:

OH MY GOD! This is the best thing I've ever seen in my worthless life. Now I don't need to watch porn to empty myself. Click. Die, Die, Die, Die, DIE!! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!!

Many Verterans also had to say what they felt about the new system.

This is stupid...Fuck Namco. What?...It burn in where? WOW...DUDE?! THAT ROCKS!! Thanks Namco. We love you!!

The first celebrity who approach to this system was Dr. Defl Gore who made this statement; "Fo' Hizzle ma Rizzle!" and approved that the system is above the modern standards. He later ordered 12,000,000 Tekken 6 arcades machine and donated them to the children of africa and Israel.

The second celebrity who was going to give a brief visit to the arcade machines, but later stayed up and played the game for 24 hours, was english noble man Jack Bauer. He was later shot by Bryan Furious's for attempting to torture the arcade machine after losing multiple times.

[edit] Story

The story is integral to the Tekken series and is seen as its most fantastic feature. It is about the constant feud between the wealthy and powerful dynasty, the Mishimas, and the commoners. Some of the Mishimas have a terrible and unfortunate condition called "being possessed by a farming demon" which increases anger and forces them to farm aggresively at each other. This idea helps to create even more outlandish character designs. The un-PC feud manifests itself by means of the King of Iron Buttocks Tournament in which the contestants actually buttocks each other into submission.

The main character, Heihachi Mishima, was 70 years old in the first game. To this day he still has a bit of kick in him at 1 million and 2 years of age, despite suffering from Alzheimers and severe gastrointestinal difficulties, better known as constipation or more commonly 'shitting bricks'. In an interview with Heat Magazine on July 11 2006, the ageing star said,

"I don't know how I do it. My skin is great, my hair is erect and my body is in better shape than ever. My life has been a rollercoaster ride so far and I can't wait to see what the future holds. I'd really like poo now if that's okay."

[edit] How it all began

Once upon a time...--

In japan, there lived a Jewish Counter-Strike Fan family who called themselves the Mishimas. They were mostly known for their wierd hairstyle, their knowledge of the Mishima style Karate which was their own way of kicking ass and their small toy store called The Mishima Zaibatsu.

The family consisted of two men and many women who would later die from the Mishima's STD which is known in the wrold of science as the gene. Jinpakchi Mishima(a noble man), father of Heihachi, was known for having established the Mishima toy store with the help of a friend, Wang Jir-rei. The two friends were very supportive and in times of need, they were always by each other's side.

However, young Heihachi Mishima, who was against this friendship, later grew up to be an independant(Hetrosexual) strong man and imprisoned his father in the basement of his home filled with yaoi magazines for 50 years. It was later revealed that Jinpachi actually enjoyed his stay in the basement, for he could do whatever he liked to do which he couldn't in public or at home.

Years later, Heihachi Mishima randomly picked a wife and had a child called 'Kazuya Mishima'(another noble Mishima). Kazuya was actually born a few years before Jinpachi was "exiled", around this time, Jinpachi tought Kazuya the art Mishima style Karate and important life lessons before going into exile.

Heihachi later threw down Kazuya down a cliff when Kazuya asked him "where do babies come from?". Kazuya later grew up to be a satanist after surviving the fall.

Heihachi later transformed the Mishima Zaibatsu toy store into a hair gel company which was part of his master plan. By selling hair gel to these emo, anime loving, cosplaying teenagers, he could not only make big big bucks, but he could also put them all under mind control and make them his personall slaves.

Even though everything was going according to plan, he suddently came up with this crazy idea that he should test out his son by putting up some crazy tournament called The King Of Iron Buttucks. Little did he know that this same tournament that he was going to set up, was going to be his demise (expecially after adopting gayward son, Lee Chao-dang).

The tournament was like any other tournament (without juggling boobs of course) and had some bunch of people who want to come to the tournament for fun and pastime. Like a Bruce Lee fan called Mika Law, or some horny Irish lady called Nina, some guy called King who thinks he's a cat, a tree hugger name Michelle, a ninja called Yoshimitsu, a dumb blond guy called Paul Pheonix, a Robot, Kazuya his son and finally Heihachi as a final boss according to reality show tradition.

The tournament started very nicely, but things started to get personall later on when each contendant found someone "their own size". They later on started beating "not-their own size" which made everything more like a riot. The fights died down when everyone decided to have a sex party to shake hands and forget all the bad things that happened. Kazuya and Heihachi later made a showdown next to a pool in order to make the show more dramatic. To his surprise, Heihachi was defeated and was thrown into the pool and lost his hair style mainly due to the contact of water with his hair gel (it later took Heihachi Mishima 2 years to remake his hair all over again using gallons of gel).

Kazuya, who proved to be more evil than his father, transformed the hair gel company into a dynasty, thus starting the war/fight between the Mishimas and the commoners.

After a long time of obsession with Phil Collins, Kazuya did what every man in his position would have done. Establishing KFC and burger king restaurants in his local shopping mall. He later announced the King Of Iron Buttocks tournament. Adding a token Black man, a sumo wrestler, another robot, another ninja, a bear, an angel and a devil, a cat in armor, an old guy and finally a japanese woman. The tournament won the award for having "the most unusual people".

23 years later, the tournament became lame yet people still joined in for random and silly reasons. Mishima Zaiabstu is currently bat fuck insane. They're newest member of the family, Jin Emoishima, is currently in prison for raping his daughter. Wait, she hasn't been born yet. Ehhhh..... So, 1 year later, the tournament decided to give all they're money to Kid Flash(Sweet from GTA San Andreas in disguise) and they're luxury house(aka shithole) to Burger King. The reason they did that is because they were all fat emo DC fans who liked to fight(thus making there signature move, "The sexy fat shit") they also liked to eat in Burger King.

[edit] Games

[edit] Tekken Lag Tournament

Like the name implies you can play the vast array of Tekken fighters but with RPG like gaming, due to massive lagging. The game consist of two players inputting their moves much like in the previous installments but ten seconds before the fighter actually starts moving. Only the top Tekken players of the world had successfully been able to punish his opponent slow attacks with fast attacks like EWG. Science-fiction writers have not yet been able to explain this strange phenomena.

This groundbreaking new system paved the way for RPG fighting genre and the game is only available for the PS3 console. The game also contains the largest number of characters ever on a fighting video game. The number of characters in the game are 13,740,903 including 70 boss characters, 2 wooden dummies, 60 pallet-swaps, 35 politics and 907 robots. And 6700 communists with AK-47's. This game also included a new system called the "Change game into Sonic The Hedgehog" system.

[edit] Tekken Advance Adventure

A smaller version of the game. This game is faster than Tekken Lag tournament but it created many problems for the players, for they had to use needles instead of buttons which penetrated through their fingers and left them unable to quit. Players later found ways to tackle the problem by putting on rabbit fluff on the needles and enlarging the small screen using a telescope.

[edit] Characters

• Kazuya Mishima: A well known rapist who is responsible for many pregnancies. It is still quite unknown how many children he has around the globe. Yes, he might just be your father!

• Heihachi Badhaircut Mishima: Former porn star, James Bond actor, mechanist, martial artist, choreographer and painter who got thrown off cliffs and blown away many time. Currently very, very old. (William Shakespear was at his 507th birthday)

• Paul Evenworsehaircut Phoenix: Former pizza delivery boy who got run down by a PCJ-600, recovered in 10 seconds only to get up and get hit again by a truck. He is well known for beating Santa up once because he thought he was a burglar.

• Booboo: Trained circus bear who hates Paul after a hunting incident (in the circus).

• Roger: Roger was the world champion kangaroo boxer in Australia but when it became banned, he became an alcoholc, and was later eaten by a rabid dingo.

• Alex: Escaped from jurassic park. "Namco bringing a dinosoar to tekken was a step too far, I am ouraged! "said a man who was murdered by Namco later that week.

• Nina and Anna Williams: Two slutty, paranoid lesbian sisters who keep having a love-hate-love relationship.

• Queen (King the second): Orphan turned wrestler. His main influences are 'NACHOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooosss...', the former gay wrestler King the first, and Opera Queen, who dresses like a transvestite viking.

• Mika (Marshall LAAAAAWWWWWWWW): Well known for his strange sex positions and fighting styles which contains jumping around the arena screaming "DACOWATOOAHTAAA-OOOOAAYEEAA!" which is his most heard catch phrase and also a quote from Bruce Lee's bible. His son, Forest can say the entire revelation backwards. His childhood friend, Paul Evenworsehaircut Phoenix is rumored to start a gay relationship with Mika in Tekken 90: Heihachi's Cornrows.

• Michelle Treehugger: A native American woman who hugs imaginary trees in the desert of Arizona. Later got thrown out of the state for having sex with them in public.

• Treehugger's fat-ass, four-eyed ecoterrorist daughter Julia.

• Russian robot 664684: A female robot designed to look like a fat angry Jamaican woman and thus, scare the shit out of everyone.

• Russian Robot Remade: After an accident involving a combine harvester, an intoxicated Lucas Gabriel (better known as Ryan Evens from HSM) at the wheel wearing a lampshade, and a bottle of vodka, Russian robot 664684 was remade as Gun-jaqueline (or RRR)

• Bake some dough: A french cook who is Hwoarang's father (Hwoarang doesn't know about it). He dresses like David Livingston.

• Yoshimitsu: Thinks he is so cool because he had a sword, until a safe fell on him and killed him. his body was reconstrcted from the tin of an old caravan.

• Kittenmittens: Yoshimitsu's ginger lover. She is the best he can get. She wears a cat mask as she is so ugly. Her most favourite position is 69 (which is actually a Ninjutsu move). Namco later cut her out one day because she was 36 and too old to be in tekken anymore.

• Wang Dirtyoldman: Well know for his rapid appearance in Judge Judy's courtroom. His nickname is Comrade Jin-Gei.

• Gon: Annoying, farting midget/dinosuar hybrid with strange habits. Was thrown out the tournament for numerous unhygienic practises.

• Jin Emoishima/Kazama: Former Satanist who became Emo, after the Devil Gene was reported to be the gene for homosexuality. Tuff luck.

• Emoishima's homoerotic rival Hwoarang

• Christie "tacos y burritos" Monteiro: Jennifer Lopez in Disguise.

• Ling Xiaoyu: A Chinese schoolgirl, who after seeing one of her grandad's Jinrei's Japanese porns, decided to travel to Japan and wait for her passport. (Ha ha. What a dumass).

• Bryan Furious: Undead former pimp who later became a crack dealer and made lots of money. He later got shot by Eddy Guordo after he "crossed dat pimp" and to survive, planted a power station inside his body which was fueled with ecstasy. No wonder why he's always screwin' around. He is known for his trademark evil laugh, which he usually performs whilst raping a female fighter and eating the kitten that Asuka saved. Pretty impressive, considering his cyborg body doesn't have a penis.

• F(l)eng (A)wei: Former kung-fu maniac who later became a scroll forger which is one of his best known hobbies (which comes after destruction, mayhem and raping Kazama girls).

• Eddy Guordo: Crackhead breakdancer who "got crossed by another pimp and so, popped a cap in his ass (Brian?)" Is now serving time in prison after insulting a cop.

• Lee "don't drop the soap" Chaolan: Kazuya's BDSM partner and step brother, likes leather and the color purple far too much. It is unknown whether of not he is gay but the entire population of the world seem to think so.

• Steve: English boxer who is now a glitch in the Matrix, not just Tekken. Oscar Wilde's fifth boyfriend so far. Ordered to throw a fight, on the fith his ass didn't go down.

• Lei And Perrins: Japanese (originally from Hong-Kong) policeman who gave up his badge to advertise a popular table sauce. Was later killed, cooked and garnished by said sauce along with a hundred emaciated dogs by a dodgy Chinese take-away.

• Aslika Kazama: Jin Kazama's cousin and Jun's long lost niece. Raped by Feng Wei in the fifth tournament (not sexally) and currently working for an insurance company. Nicknamed Fugly Flat-Ass.

• Lili Rock-Forth: Nymphomaniacal ballerina from Monaco. Has a sex dog called Sebastian and a father who marries every month. Her favourite moment in life is "victory" (better translated as "orgasm and climax").

• Sergei Derakhulov: Russian Dracula in search for an evil horn head. A well known communist and comunity service man.

• Oh-gar: Mexican restaurant owner who usually cooks meals wearing his boxers and a giant fluffy hat.

• Da troo O-Ga: Oh-gar's older brother and Aztec's only gangster-rapper. Also sells illegal drugs in his pastimes and witnessed Eddy shooting Brian

• P. "Robot Daddy" Jack: Body builder and pop-rap singer who has been popular for many of his hit singles such as 'Daddy's love', 'Side throw, Spank yo ass', 'Can ya Drill ma Grill?'. He is also well known for his beef against Russian Robot 664684.

• Unknown (yeah, right): A so called "unknown" character who is acompanied by a fox spirit made of halogen and sulfur dioxide. She is Oh-Gar's ex-wife. Currently living in Wolfania.

• Woodman: A wooden dummy. Due to his inability to speak, his home is well equipped with the most modern screen technology. He is also well known for his unique sign language.

• Jin Pakchi Mishima: Jewish creator of the Tekken-drive. Still alive. Well known for his 'Jew attack' and 'Eye of the Jew' stun. He is also known by his frequently used nickname : WHY THE FUCK IS THIS GUY SO FUCKING HARD TO BEAT??!!!!! He just fucking froze me! HE JUST FUCKING FROZE ME! !!!!! AND NOW HE'S FUCKING SHOOTING FLAMING SHIT OUT OF HIS STOMACH-MOUTH!!!! HOW THE FUCK DOES HE DO THAT?????!!!!!

• Bruce Virgin: A well known fan of The Man. Always rides an imaginary bicycle. Due to his resemblance to Mr. T, he is worshiped by Thai teenagers.

• Boom: Current ruler of The Burgurian Dynasty. He is very fond of burgers and pays frequent visits to The Burger Parliment. During his visit to the Shaolin Temple, he acquired the technique to fill his opponent with fat without feeding them. It is said whenever he engages in combat, earthquaqes and natural disasters strike.

• Rock Howard Leo: (S)he looks like a great and original fighter

• Me-Du-El: The shining star of Bull Land. According to a gossip magazine, he is reserved to be the twelf doctor. He also worked as a gay clown and likes to make his sister laugh.

• Blade: Blade has been making appearances lately after finishing his trilogy. He now takes the role of a Blackinja who is planning to help the Black Panther Party to take over the Mishima Zaibatsu.

• Al-Zalil-Al-Zazel: An Egyptian body builder who was immediantly chosen for the role of a final boss. He is actually a kind person in reality and usually spends his time helping the poor and donating aid to the children of Africa.

• Roger Jr.: Roger's son, who's mother started to wonder where Roger was, when she found out that roger was kicking ass and sitting on his lazy ass for the rest of the time. She filed for divorce and took the good china. Roger dies three days later after an attak from a rabid dingo.

• Sakura Obama: Fembot who claims to be a distant relative of Barack Obama, in fact, she is actually working for Kane.
• Jun Kazama- the sweet ex partner of Kazuya Mishima and the suffering mother of Jin whatshisface (has been seen as being one of Kazuya's rape victims. For not hot piece of ass will willingly go to bed with THAT.)

[edit] Fun facts about Tekken

• Your Playstation and wii are not made by nintendo or sony, but by the Mishima zaibatsu.
• Due to the fact that Ki charge are usually cannot be controlled, people would run the risk of exploding their toilet bowl every time they have an especially large dump and have to strain.
• There is the chance that your plane might crash when visiting or transferring in Japan because of Devil Jin feathers getting caught in the jet engines.
• An omni-present voice would command all competitions, be it fighting , bowling or playing volleyball.
• People would never need to learn a foreign language and can talk to the animals, due to having universal translators.
• Competitors can break their arms, legs, back and neck, get run through by a sword and thrown into a volcano, and not suffer any long lasting damage.
• Women would mysteriously disappear at the age of 35. This case is the opposite for men.
• When someone snaps an opponent's neck or even ankle for a KO, the opponent will probably fall to the ground clutching their stomach or back.
• The world would blame the Mishima Zaibatsu for every single disaster.
• Men can get away with rape.
• People wearing masks like King or Kunimitsu can get through customs and excise without taking them off.
• Everybody can costuming themselves to look like celebrities.
• An average person can live more than 100 years.
• Boxers are able to become completely intangible if they step to the side even slightly.
• Women have Balls.
• Pandas and wood can also kick your ass.

[edit] Controversy

When the original game was released it caused serious outrage in the gaming community. Gamers realised quickly that the Mishima characters had an advantage over the others. This was due to the fact that, while they were quite diseased and inbred, the Mishima characters had farming techniques at their disposal as well as buttocks ones.

This was addressed at a major Namco meeting but was unresolved, so the matter was forwarded to the Jedi Council in the hopes that a solution could be found. Sure enough, a highly disrespected member of the council, Kook Llangar, suggested a simple re-release of the game with the abilities of the Mishima characters toned down to simple poultry work and spud patches. Their buttocks abilities were to remain unchanged, he proposed.

The entire council agreed and the plan went forward. The game was re-released with the beautiful title Tekken: The Second Whiff of Buttocks and was a huge success despite the exclusion of the Mishimas' ploughing and crop farming abilities. It became the biggest selling video game of all time, breaking the previous record set by Michael Jackson's Thriller. Now, MJ fans were mad, so a special version came out called: Tekken: The Second Whiff Of Buttocks: Michael Jackson Edition, which had Michael Jackson available as one of the characters, his fighting style being "Moonwalk". It also had the new Dance system, which made Michael Jackson dance when his HP was 1, knocking out the opponent immediately. Then Michael said this quote: "Yo yo yo B boy that shit's fo real mothafucka. Shit. Bitch. Fuckin ass and blat blat". It also had Michael Jackson music running in the background instead of Tekken music.