Ten Commandments

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The Ten Commandments are a list of moral principles which are ten in number, not so much because there are ten unique and valid points, but because it is a psychologically satisfying number. And it is encumbent upon you, o sinner, to obey them all without exception. Unless you cross your fingers behind your back while you're disobeying (known as the 'Crossed Finger Get-Out Clause')

If it weren't for the ten commandments life would be very different, for example you wouldn't be able to keep and bear arms (2nd Commandment). Congress later added more commandments to do other things such as allowing suffering for women, blacks, slaves and former homosexuals. Oh wait, that's not in the bible, but in the U.S Constitutuion. The 10 commanments does suggest you be a servant though (a voluntary slave bwahahaha) but then again it can't really make you do anything.

1 Where?
2 Who?
3 What?
4 Ten Commandments, the movie version
5 Ten Commandments, the Remix
6 Ten Commandments According to Mr. T
7 When?
8 Don't Confuse Them With
9 See also:

[edit] Where?

The 7th commandment was originally "Lern to spel real good"

The Ten Commandments are found in the Old Testament (in the books of moses), Mad Magazine and Hustler, although the original copyright is now expired. In the Bible they are recorded twice in the Pentateuch (Exodus 20, Deuteronomy 5, which means Exodus goes through to the next round). The versions in all these publications don't quite match up. We've tried to take a good average. The are many clues that the 10 commanments existed before the exodus and "sins" are identified, suggesting there is a law. The Sabbath was made on the seventh-day of creation, Adam and Eve weren't supposed to assume they could be gods (the forbidden "fruit" of egoism), and Cain played "god" by thinking he could work for his salvation and then got pissed at his brother for being so humble. The ten commandments are simply pricniples of sustaining life and to break them would cause death.

The other 5 commandments are found on the Rosetta Stone, which commonly and incorrectly thought to be a decree from King Ptolemy (Pronounced "Ver-SAI") the V (V is roman for "I'll eat anything star-shaped").

Recently, Moses filed a lawsuit against God claiming that God transferred the copyright to him when he gave him the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. However, God, who was in a defensive position for the first time in his life, argued that the Ten Commandments were only fair use. The Lawsuit was won in favor of Moses in which God proceeded to license it under a GNU Free Document License. The original copyright was renewed eight times at the Library of Congress, and is still under perpetual royal copyright by the British crown.

Many people are mistaken, but there are actually twenty-two ten commandments. God's son then came for some three decades to sum it up all in one word: love....yeah that's lovley.

[edit] Who?

They were written by the Finger of God on two tablets of stone. God himself wasn't present at the time - He was on His couch in His condo watching a future episode of Spongebob Squarepants stoned - but the Finger of God did a perfectly good job of it.

The tablets were then sent to Moses by FedEx, who charged extra because of the weight of the package, and the poor vehicular access to Mount Sinai. Don't even ask about the import duties.

In Judaism the ten commandments were actually a ######## of commandments, and were given to Moses as part of a sacred pact between jews and God, where the jews promised to serve God and uphold the ten commandments and God, in exchange, granting them his protection. This divine protection is evident throughout history, with bad things very seldom happening to jews. Turns out though, the jews were actually meant to be an example for all the human race, but they screwed up because their hearts are no different than anyone else.

[edit] What?

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ten Commandments.

Those Ten Commandments in full:

Thou shalt have no other gods without the appropriate god licence. Call 800-OTHER-GODS for our offers on other gods. Call charges apply. 1-976-FOR-GODS is an unrelated but more entertaining line. Call charges apply there too. Belldandy, Urd, and Skuld are our callers. (Please Note: An extra 47 cents per minute service charge applies Iowa and Palestine.)
Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image with the GNU Image Manipulation Program.
Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, so no crying out 'Jesus H. Christ' when you step on a rake in the garden. You wanna say something? Say 'Holy ####!' Jesus H. Christ is disrespectful. Holy #### is not. As a sidenote, the H has a meaning. Jesus's middle name is actually Harold. As quote in the Lord's Prayer "Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name..." or "Hark thy Harold angels sing"
Remember the Black Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Hail Ozzy.
Honour thy father and thy mother, so long as they honour you, because it cuts both ways buddy.
Thou shalt not kill - but obviously there are exceptions such as swatting flies and mosquitos, running over stray dogs on the road, forgetting to feed the goldfish etc. etc., so just use your common sense and try to keep a sense of proportion. Also except in war. Oh, and if he doesn't worship Me. I'm insecure like that. If he worships Yahweh, Buddha, or Clapton you got the thumbs up...and don't forget that it's all good to kill 'em if they've picked a different version of Jesus as well. Also okay on the second Tuesday of every fourth month, as long you aren't using the Gregorian calender.
Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught, because it's going to hurt. Practice makes perfect - hiding in the wardrobe is an old one, don't bother with that. Plan several escape routes and ensure you have a good alibi. Also a change of clothes is handy, because she can smell the perfume on you when you get home. Think it through, buddy!
Thou shalt not steal and get caught. Similar caveats apply.
Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour, whatever false witness is. We just put this one in to make sure you're paying attention.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's bling, unless thou really likes it.
Thou aren't black. Unless thou is black. In which case thou is black.
First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naught in my sight, shall snuff it.
Thou shalt not piss in thy wife's coffee, unless thou is a dog. However, if you get caught pissing in thy wife's coffee, you shall not back out until thy job is done. Go get em' soldier.
Thou shalt count the number 13 as the number 10, making this the 10th commandment. Also, triskedekaphobics shall ignore any fear of this number 13, as it is number 10. Also triskedekaphiliacs are fine. Go at it.
If you've read this far, you're doing well. Cut out the coupon and send it in for a full rebate.
Jesus Shalt have laser eyes. This is Commandment 9.9. Not 15. If you think it says 15, you are wrong.
This is Commandment 10. If you have read this far, it proves you haven't a life. Now go read a book or something.
Thou shalt not pirate movies which star Polly Shore.
Thou shalt not let thy chain hang low.
Thou shall not mix Lego and Megablocks
Thou shalt not shake babies unless it's annoying, then thou can.
Thou shalt not creat false witnesses against Britney Spears. After all thine still is thy neighbor.
Thou shalt paint thy hippie van with honour, a good amount of weed, and tie-dye colors.
Thou Shalt not make more than 10 commandments, bastards.
Thou shalt not make a commandment about making more than 10 commandments, bastards.
Thou dealt it if thou smelt it.
Thou shalt stop a zombie holocaust if thou be command to by nearest divinity.
Thou shalt not read past this commandment.
Thou shalt go to thiseth hell for

Internal linkreading past that commandment.

Thou shalt be in dip #### for reading further.
Ohhhh, Thou in hell now.
Thou shalt harm Grammar Nazi's if they are being asses.
Thou shalt not sell they Pepsi and thou Coca-Cola products under one roof.
Thou shalt not invite midgets to basketball games.
Thou shalt not include Fargo locals in any events..... espescially beach volley ball.
Thou shall not go to evil sites such as Uncyclopedia (You're going to hell now!)
Thou shall not abuse your bathroom during school hours
Thou shall require all good Catholics to read The Golden Compass to show how dumb Atheists are
Thou shalt slay a whale in My name, then save nothing of it's flesh, nor it's hide...merely leavest the carcass to rot ... thou must do this often so that the natural order of nature be disrupted.
Thou shall send one American Dime to George W. Bush to cure polio
Thou shall not purchase a car from a Mexican nor a Mormon
Thou shall pay taxes to the Kingdom of Svalbard
Thou shall kill liberals
Thou shall not vote for Hillary
Thou shall nuke California for happy cows need to be put out of misery
Thou shall not have ######## in the oval office, bad for reelection
Thou shall figure out how a swallow can carry a coconut
Thou shall learn what thou means, kapesh?
Thou shall retire at the age of 63 and live off the government and live in Wichita
Thou shall [1]Reasons to edit this article]

[edit] Ten Commandments, the movie version

Oh Moses, Moses, Moses! You great big adorable fool, Moses! Stop looking at that burning bush and look at thine! So God commanded.

According to biblical scholar and voice of God in the movie the Ten Commandments, Cecil B. DeMille states that these are the commandments that have passed the MPAA Board for wholesomeness:

I am your Lord and God (I am your first, your last, your everything, just ask Berry White)
You shall have no other gods before Me (or after, just me)
You shall not make for yourself an idol (or a Billie Idol)
You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God (No kidding, this really riles me.)
Remember the Sabbath and keep it Black(unless you need a gallon of milk or a sweater at Macy's)
Honor your parents (Even if they drank, starred in Mildred Pierce, or filled your head with lies, they are still your parents and therefore don't make them my problem. You don't have to like them, just don't stir the pot, OK?)
You shall not murder (killing is fine, Murder is premeditated and therefore wrong.i wasn't sure where to put suicide in this,but i think thats bad too so dont do it.)
You shall not commit adultery (Screw around as much as you like, but once you are legally married stop it. Gay men can play around all they want (or can they?). And lust in your heart is fine if you are straight, just no ######## around)
You shall not steal (If it isn't yours don't take it Mister Sticky fingers)
You shall not bear false witness (Don't lie. Not even if your wife asks you if you like her homemade mashed potatoes - be brutally honest, I command it(See rule 7)
You shall not covet your neighbor's wife (Your neighbor's husband is fine, just don't mess with his wife. So if she covets you and she married, you lose. If she Covets you AND is a divorcee, Hubba Hubba! Bugger!! You can't be divorcing either. How completely wankered is your predicament?)
I am the lord, your god! an egomaniac, if you will. Unless you do nothing but worship me, how can I be an egomaniac?
Break one of ~~my teeth~~ the ten commandments and you break them all, just like a heartbreaker, except that it's only sinful freaks have 10 hearts. Should have mentioned this one earlier. It's not set in stone but it still counts.
thou shalt not "kill bill" or i will become "fast and furious," if you catch my "tokyo drift." unless you do it "the day after tommorrow"

[edit] Ten Commandments, the Remix

God recently released a remix of the Ten Commandment on iTunes:

Thou shalt not steal if there is direct victim.
Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Dekker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix Frank Sinatra or Syd Barret in vain.
Thou shalt think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child is a pedophile. Hey, we get horny sometimes.
Thou shalt not read NME.
Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.
Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
Thall shalt not buy Pepsi products.
Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
Thou shalt not watch Hollyoakes.
Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you're done just because you’ve finished your ###### little poem or song you self-righteous #####.
Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna ####### talk to.
Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music
Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.
When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.
When I say "he say, she say, we say, make some noise" - kill me.
Thou shalt not quote me happy.
Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
Thou shalt "get down with the sickness"
Thou shalt not "Jump on it".
Thou shalt spell the word “Phoenix” P-H-O-E-N-I-X not P-H-E-O-N-I-X, because of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you as the language is called Englsih and not American for a reason.
Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
Thou shalt think for yourselves.
And thou shalt always kill.
Thou shalt be Rick Rolled many times.

Caution: the commandments were originally written in some crazy God language, and were translated to English by an infinite number of monkeys with typewriters. Some variation of meaning and syntax may have occurred. Your mileage may vary depending of driving styles and grade of gas

[edit] Ten Commandments According to Mr. T

I pity the fool who don't worship God!
I pity the fool who worship a false idol!
I pity the fool who use God's name in vain!
I pity the fool who don't remember the Sabbath!
I pity the fool who don't honour their mother and father!
I pity the fool who murder without a cause!
I pity the fool who #### wit' someone outta marriage!
I pity the fool who steal!
I pity the fool who bears false witness!
I pity the fool who covets his neighbour's ####!
I pity the fool who made this 11nth commandment when there is only 10!

[edit] When?

In the future. The future of tomorrow. That's like the DOUBLE FUTURE. Because God wasn't really paying attention when writing the commandment, he forgot to have the event fall in normal space-time, in fact they react INVERSELY to space-time. So the older they get, the more pristine they get. They were actually destroyed by Moses, he just didn't understand how. Penis, penis, penis, I made him out of clay, penis, penis, penis, with penis I shall play!