Tennis scoring
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The accepted scoring system for tennis was devised by Mrs Edith Algebra of Beaconsfield, England. Old-fashioned tennis players, who wore long baggy clothes and said “By Jove” at least 175 times in every match, used to have a proper 1-to-10 scoring system for each game, which was entirely sensible and easy for adults, children and retards to follow. We could have carried on for centuries without a squeak of complaint. But after her Ovaltine was spiked with crack by a Jehovah’s Witness in 1647, Mrs Algebra got to thinking about tennis and decided it needed “a kick up the ass”. At first she thought a 5-10-15-20-25 system would be nice, but then she decided it wouldn’t be weird enough. So she invented the bizarre 15-30-40-deuce system, because she particularly liked multiples of 15 – with the exception of 45, to which she preferred the more elegant 40.
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[edit] All you need is love
Mrs Algebra also decided to change the words “nothing”, “zero”, “nada”, “zilch” and “fuck all” to “love”, because she was in love but was convinced it would come to nothing. She was right about that. She fancied the bus driver Reg Varney, but he only had a twinkle for pretty younger females. Some of them under 12!
[edit] By Jove, it caught on
Mrs Algebra took her idea to Wimbledon, where there was much chin-scratching. A few days later, for reasons that are still as mysterious as the whereabouts of Lord Lucan and the appeal of Lost, the new scoring system spread like wildfire in a forest that had been systematically dried for a century by a million hairdryers. Little children initially misunderstood “deuce”, believing that commentators were periodically calling for a fruit drink, commentating being thirsty work. And some women flounced off court because they thought they were being patronized by being called “love” all the time.
[edit] Difficult woman
Mrs Algebra was the daughter of Mr and Mrs Algy Algebra of Trigonometry Lane in the village of Calculus, Bedfordshire. She was known as “a difficult woman” by her family and her enemies (she had no friends, because she was difficult). If someone said “white” she would say “black”, and if someone said “black” she would usually say “negro”. “Nobody else in the history of this world could have come up with such a cussed and silly scoring system for this otherwise marvellous game,” said the famous diarist Samuel Pepys in a letter to his milkman. “Two pints today please, and a tub of double cream.”
[edit] John McEnroe
The curly-mopped tennis brat John McEnroe, hearing about Mrs Algebra’s new scoring system, famously said: “You can’t be serious.” But she was.
[edit] Everybody’s happy nowadays
Tennis players big and small, male and female, young and old, professional and crap, all use Mrs Algebra’s ridiculous scoring system today, and are perfectly happy with it. “I’m all for it. It keeps the bloody riffraff out of the game,” said the grand old Duke of Kent yesterday. “Where the fuck does the word ‘tennis’ come from, anyway, you cunts?”
