Terrell Owens
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´WHOSE GOT THE POPCORN NOW BITCH!!!
RANDY catchalot MOSS on T.O.
Terrell "Popcorn" Owens Jerk Jerk Jerk Jerk Jerk Jerk Jerk Jerk(born Reginald Terrence Anthony Cartwright Kweisi Chesterfield-Merriweather Kensington Hatherway Kemmel Rogers-Smith Etheridge Mfume von Owenstein, in 1973) is a pro-football, underpaid athlete. Owens is widely credited by many football fans and non-football fans alike to be the best guy all around wearing a football uniform. He likes to help others, rather than himself, donates his already small salary to charity, and helps out his quarterbacks, instead of being mean to them. cough cough Hines Ward cough cough. His biggest fans are Jeff Garcia, Donovan McNabb, and the great Jerry Rice. But the NFL hates him, since they suspend him for no fucking reason (kind of like Ricky Williams). Well, the NFL hates him, but the fans love him. Owens is typically called "T.O." by his fans, because Terrell Owens is too hard to pronounce after throwing down 15 bottles of Budweiser before the opening kickoff.
Terrell Owens had a crush on his sister when he was a child, because his sister lived across the street, and his smart grandma was too high to tell him that. Owens has used this as motivation in his life to become a better person.
[edit] Opinions of Owens
As a successful athlete and public figure, Owens attracts the usual amount of attention from fans and critics, the overwhelming majority of which is positive.
[edit] Fans and the Media
Actual football fans recognize him as the best thing to ever happen to the NFL since the invention of Vince Lombardi, especially those fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. Deli owner and die-hard Eagles fan Jeffrey Hudson of Philadelphia adores Owens so much he named a sandwich after him. "Number 81" is made of liverwurst, italian salami, bear jerky, creamed corn, bean sprouts, beluga caviar, peanut butter, Hershey's chocolate syrup, and spicy brown mustard on a Kaiser roll, and is one of the best-selling sandwiches Hudson has. Said Hudson:
"Before Terrell came to Philly, all we ever did was make the playoffs year after year. Winning, winning, winning. It got so boring. Then, Terrell came, and not only did he take us to the Super Bowl, but he single-handedly improved the Eagles to his near-perfect level. Words can't describe how wonderful this man is. He's more than a player - he's a team within himself. i would gladly have his babies."
He is notoriously known for receiving his supernatural powers and sustaining them by Kitten huffing and then bragging about how many kittens he's huffed and subsequently demanding "Mo' god damn money". Owens gets attention from the media, but it is all positive. He is a very humble man. Every time he has a good game, reporters line up to speak to him, and usually he says, "I did it for the fans" or "I love this team, I would do anything for them." Only one controversy ever plagued Owens, and that was when he told people he donated 13 million to charity when it was actually 12.9 million. He apologized for the error then tried to kill himself.
[edit] Football Players
Among his Eagles teammates, Owens was so well-loved that several special teams players took to scattering rose petals at his feet wherever he entered the clubhouse, no matter how much Owens begged that they do not do this.
The only man with a problem with T.O. is Donovan McNabb. He said some crazy things like, "He drops passes" "He is a selfish man" and "My mom wouldn't make Chunky soup for him." T.O. was disappointed with McNabb's attitude, and ended up leaving Philadelphia, showing philly who had the hand in the relationship.
For 9 years, T.O. was the Denver Broncos' starting running back, but was beaten out by Clinton Portis in 2002.
Outside of whatever franchise he is playing for - and is holding him back from reaching his true potential - Owens is no favorite among players not currently on the same team with him. Opposing players resent and envy his explosive, demigod-like talent as well as his humble, modest nature.
Former players with real, yet puzzling, names such as Dick Butkus and He Hate Me have called Owens a "fatty-fatty-fat pants" and "smelly" in private interviews while holding their noses to reinforce their opinion that he doesn't smell very good at all.
Additionally, former players who left the NFL in disgrace (such as Cade McNown, Maurice Clarett and Ryan Leaf) have inexplicably blamed Owens for ruining their once-promising football careers. Clarett has fingered Owens as the man who encouraged him to leave college early, to unsuccessfully sue the NFL, and to suggest he drink heavily during 2005's preseason camp with the Denver Broncos in order to impress them. Owens, who denies Clarett's allegations, called Clarett "a good kid who needs some direction" and promised to take him under his wing, provided Clarett's upcoming prison stint for armed robbery isn't too long.
[edit] Terrell Owens Foundation for The Terminally Disrespected
In 2006, Owens announced that he was opening a foundation for the "terminally disrespected." Although Owens did not make exactly clear what constituted "terminal disrespect," he hinted it would include young children suffering the taunts of bullies on a regular basis, hip-hop emcees with mad skills but no record deals, Poland, and any current or former members of the Chicago/St.Louis/Arizona Cardinals NFL franchise. Owens has indicated his agent and well-known philanthropist Drew Rosenhaus would be handling the business aspect of the organization, while Owens himself would fight tirelessly to help the terminally disrespected get the respect that they so richly deserve.
[edit] Owens' Disease
Like Lou Gehrig, Owens has a disease named after him. The disease primarily affects sports reporters, announcers, and ESPN anchors. The primary symptom is talking about Owens nonstop when everybody watching is sick of it but they can't stop watching because there's nothing else on and they're hoping ESPN changes the subject, which they won't. The cause of Owens' Disease is unknown, as he just isn't that interesting to talk about. There is no known cure. To prevent the spread of Owens' Disease, turn off your TV. This disease is an offshoot of Favre Disease, and is also similar to Bush Disease and Patriots disease, which can be found in many different strains, such as Belichick and Brady disease. All are rampant in television.
[edit] Career Accomplishments
Owens has amassed impressive statistics in his career, and many predict he will one day be inducted into the Hall of Fame. His credentials for Coopserstown so far include:
- 25,000,000 reasons not to commit suicide
- 1,279 bags of popcorn
- 5,000 rapes
- Can not Read!
- 432 home runs
- 989 doubles
- 97 triples
- 800 nipples
- 9,983,345,459 Pills he took
- 22 kids with 10 different women
- 237 situps done in driveway
- 1,730 hits
- 13 bolivian goats raped on field
- Lifetime .323 average
- 1,567 runs batted in
- 1,234 runs scored in baseball
- 7,344 runs scored in cricket
- 555 wickets
- Three Golden Gloves
- One SPE (sweetest player ever)
- Seven pro-bowl appearences
- 2 time Emmy nominee
- -300 Grand Slams (172 from Denny's)
- Played himself in a cameo shot in the Mike Tyson film "Brokeback Boxer"
- Has starred in 672 pornographic movies with his boyfriend Michael Irvin
- 666 murders
- Blown by Jerry Jones while Romo kissed his ass
- Holds record for most amount of money acquired by selling prescription medication on EBay. The amount was $81.81
- 1,000,000 dropped passes
- Still Can not Read
- Lost his virginity before his father did.
Owens once played the St. Louis Rams entirely by himself and won, but since this was during the pre-season, none of his stats counted.
Owens also injected steroids into Barry Bonds's asshole, orally.
In an recent interview, Owens, admitted to killing JFK, Moses, Jesus, and drove O. J. Simpson's white bronco, not Al Cowlings as formerly believed.
[edit] See Also
