Terry Nutkins

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"I'd give him two fingers" - Noel Coward on Terry Nutkins

Terence "Terry" Nutkins was born on May 12, 1946 in a depressing place up north, is a British naturist, television presenter and author of many novels, he is considered an authority on otters and sea slugs.

The Terry Nutkins story is one riddled with tragedy and some loss of digits, Terry Nutkins was born with the original name of Tobias Frankfurt III but later changed it under a witness protection scheme in 1962 after testifying in the great court case of Whitechappels of London vs Peter Cook and Dudley Moore. Whereby the accused were indeed, accused on the grounds of having sex with fireplaces in one of the well known high street shop's outlets. After giving evidence the comedy duo were sentanced to 3 weeks working in a custard factory, something to this day they have never forgiven Nutkin's for. After this incident, Nutkins, by then in his 20's suffered a nervous breakdown thought to be brought on by his increasing obsession with Otters and the popular childrens TV series Button Moon which hadn't even been invented yet.

Terry Nutkins poses with an otter disguised as a dog. Yesterday.

[edit] The Skullett

Though the origin of Terry Nutkin's skullett is shrouded in mystery, some say that the skullett is in fact a projection of Nutkin's mind and that it does not occupy any physical mass or space-time. The real story could not be farther from the truth, Nutkin's 23rd wife explains:

"It's not really a projection of his mind"-
- Dame Thora Hird (of Stannah Stair-lift commercial fame)

The coming of the skullett was infact a result of a freak hot air ballooning accident in 1983 whereby Nutkin's, who was high on marmite forced his head into the burner. Since then Nutkin's has been unable to grow hair on the top of his head, forming the 3rd most famous haircut of all time, only beaten by Pat Sharp and Donald Trump.

[edit] Mistaken Identity

At the age of 35, Nutkins had a relapse and his fascination with Otters reared its ugly head again. As a means of oversion therapy, his psychiatrist at the time Oscar Wilde ordered him to live as an otter for 6 months in London Zoo so as to get over his dark obsession. It was here that while courting a female otter named Edal, Nutkins lost all of his fingers during a felching ritual. African otter Edal – had, a week earlier, taken an instant dislike to a visiting lady zoo-keeper, and sunk its teeth into her left ventricle. Before she left the woman gave Terry her sweater, the first time he put it on was the morning of the accident, whereby he was savaged in a tragic case of mistaken identity.

"It was a very long time ago and I don’t recall every detail," said Terry. "I just remember Edal going beserk and latching onto a finger. All I could think to do was get her to the door, throw her outside and slam the door shut quickly."

"Unfortunately, by the time I reached the door she had chewed right through the finger, and as I launched her she twisted in the air and managed to nip most of another finger off the other hand." A local doctor made a valiant attempt to sew the severed fingers back on, but gangrene set in and Terry was forced to travel to Trafalgar square where he fed the remains to pigeons.

[edit] Really Wild Show

"No Edal, no........" - actual BBC commentary of the vicious attack on Terry Nutkins

It was not until the advent of the really wild show in 1986 that Nutkins found fame and fortune. In it's last series, just after filming had finished, Nutkins dissapeared. The last recording of Nutkins on a studio CCTV camera showed him making away in a golf buggy with an abundance of jelly tots in the passenger seat. It has since been rumoured that he lives in a bungalow in the eastern bloc serving as a male concubine for a rich Latvian gangster. However contrary to these unsavoury allegations, Chris 'p-p-p-p-pick-up-penguin' Packham revealed in his best-selling autobiography "Michaela has lovely puppies" that Terry was last seen burying his pink ferret into Miss Strachan's badger set. Whilst a Concorde pilot said this was like drinking tea in a coffee mug, the truth remains a mystery. Bill Oddie had this to say: " Well, it's a terrible loss to our small group of animal lovers, he shall be remembered by all creatures great & small". David Bellamy added: "I shall miss the smoothness of his charm and hair".

Terry "titwank" Nutkins was bullied at school for resembling a yaks bull sack - due to this he is known to lash out in confined areas (Portaloos), He is apparently attempting to channel this ragelike attitude into Extreme optimism in an attempt to make a concerted bid to replace The late Steve Irwin (RIP)