Terry Wogan
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“In Soviet Russia, Terry Wogan watches YOU!!”
~ Soviet Russia on Terry Wogan
“I fought Terry bare fisted, and won the battle for television interviewer supremacy. Now where my shotgun, need to go finish Johnathon Woss.”
~ Parkinson on Wogan
Terry Wogan
His Majesty Sir Michael Terence 'The Twat' Percival Wogan was born in 1910 in the Mauve Drawing Room of the Earl of Leicester's country mansion, but claims to be Irish in order to further his broadcasting career. He was educated in a secret monastery, where he learned the art of Extreme Sarcasm. He is married, with three children, and is known to his legions of fans by his pet name, "Tosser".
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[edit] Career
[edit] Early Radio Presenting
After escaping from his cruel monastic and sadistic educators, he spent five years raising eagles from ordinary hens' eggs, until he discovered that there was no such career. He then became a radio newsreader, a position he occupied for several years, until the volume of complaints about his off-colour remarks on sensitive news stories became overwhelming. He was offered the choice of exile in Western Antarctica, or presenting the Eurovision Song Contest. He chose the latter, after several false starts. More recently he has been seen skinning ferrets at a roadside cafe just outside Wrexham. Most believe this is a precursor to a finale act in the twilight of his career covering small animal stuffing and sex.
[edit] Television
Wogan was crowned Supreme Ultra-King of the Eurovision Song Contest in 1980, a position formerly occupied by such luminaries as Socrates, Oscar Wilde, and an escaped manatee. He reigns over the contest to this day, dispensing swift and terrible justice with his Iron Sceptre of Irony.
He was later given his own chat show, which was described by the New York Times as "a magnificent tour de force", and by a drunken hobo as "shite". The show was eventually cancelled, largely due to Wogan's insistence upon interviewing only fictional characters and himself.
[edit] Return to Radio
In 1992, a poll revealed Wogan to be simultaneously the most and the least popular person in Britain. This was so confusing that he instinctively reverted to his larval form, i.e. a radio presenter.
Today, he lives a hermetic existence in his own custom built studio/dungeon, where his drunken ramblings are recorded with a hidden microphone and broadcast to the population of the British Isles once a day, except for alternate Saturdays, when they are broadcast to the population of Poland (who live in England now, anyway).
Controversies continue - he still faces a case brought by 5 million people claiming Delayed Action Boredom in which apparently harmless tv and radio presenters later cause symptoms of listlessness and inactivity leading to wearing of woolly jumps and in the later stages even Death by Boredom - there is an argument over where he should be tried for Bore Crimes.
[edit] Honours
In Freddie Mercury and Queen's Birthday Honours of 2005, Wogan was made an honorary Knight of the Order of the Son of the Revenge of the Ottoman Empire. In the Drunken Hobo's Tuesday Honours, he was named a "twat".
Wogan was a awarded on honorary doctorate from the School of Hard Knocks in early 2006. The qualification, he said, is a welcome complement to his honorary undergraduate degree from the University of Moderate Pummelling, and his honorary school-leaver's diploma from the Technical College of Mild Discomfort.
[edit] Wogan in art and popular culture
Wogan has attained something of an iconic status in popular culture, featuring as a major or minor character in countless books, movies and TV shows, as well as having many songs written about him. Examples include the 1967 pop song Wogan, Oh Wogan (Where Did You Go-gan?), the movie Wogan's Heroes, and of course the best-selling Planet Wogan science fiction series, notable for being the only major series of novels set entirely in and on the body of a radio personality.
[edit] Scandal
Wogan's career has been permanantly dogged by controversy. Indeed for his sins he must have a 10 ton weight attached to his appendix.
[edit] 1992 Eurovision Song Contest and the diplomatic storm with Croatia
In Croatia's first appearance in the Eurovision Song Contest as an independent nation, Wogan uttered the infamous line, "Who the feckin' hell are they? Comrade Tito must be turning in his grave at the sight of this pretend pseudo-nation ever got to represent itself in Eurovision!" If that wasn't enough to enrage militant seperatists, he later went on to comment at the end of their song, "Quite frankly pathetic that even got on to the stage. It'd be like if, I dunno, Shropshire got on to the Eurovision. And I guess that's a very good comparison as they both like to indulge in a bit of wild bison fucking."
This farcical display led to a diplomatic stand off between the BBC and the newly formed Croatian government which was only resolved after the Croatians threatened to carpet bomb Wogan's home town Limerick. Wogan was taken hostage by a crack band of offended ultra-nationalist Croatian grandmothers and was said to be at breaking point when they denied him the 13 Ginster Cornish Pasties he'd been accustomed to everyday. As things seemed to have reached an impasse, the BBC were swayed by a mass demonstration by the people of Limerick demanding the destruction of the shithole and both parties were satisfied, especially as Wogan was the only person left in the town when it was bombed.
Wogan then posthumously got awarded the highest honour possible in Serbia for his services to the fuelling of petty Balkan nationalist fervour, stoking the fires of hatred between breakaway nations from the former Yugoslavia and of course pissing off those inbred Croats.
[edit] Floral Dance - Charles Manson
Upon hearing Terry Wogan's "hit" single the 'Floral Dance', Charles Manson was said to have interpreted it as a warning of an approaching race war. He saw Wogan and his breakfast radio team as the Four Angels of the Apocalypse mentioned in the New Testament book of Revelation and believed his song were telling him and his followers to prepare themselves ("Dancing here, Prancing there, Jigging, Jogging, Everywhere!"). Manson referred to this future war as "Floral Dance". The words "Floral Dance" [sic] were also written in blood at the scene of one of the murders committed by the Manson Family.
[edit] Wogan Vs Stevens
Terry has a famous dislike for Shakin' Stevens. The root of this hatred remains a mystery to this day. Terry has been arrested outside Stevens' house on 3 occasions; twice in '94 and on one other occasion when he was found after a drunken night out, asleep, with a brick in his hand in early '98. Shakey is genuinely bemused by Terrys attitude towards him and wonders what he has done to deserve his contempt.
“He's a fucking tit.”
~ Terry Wogan on Shakin' Stevens
[edit] Trivia
- Terry Wogan in his earlier years was a highly accomplished professional wrestler fighting under the name of Hulk Wogan, unfortunately he was forced to quit due to copyright infringement.
- Terry Wogan once planted some magic beans in a field. The beans later sprouted, and grew into what we now call Croydon.
- Terry Wogan is commonly believed to rhyme with fellow celebrities Hulk Hogan and Theodore Logan.
- Terry Wogan has five toes on each foot.
- Terry Wogan once voluntarily ate his own digested christmas jumpers in a terrorist attack by the Goats Liberation Front
- terry wogan has pledged alligiance that every (EVERY) eurovision winner can sleep with him for 6 nights in the luxurious roma hotel in camden (yes even lordi!)
- Related to Leprechauns, some of the cast of Charmed are 16th cousins of his.
- Has become so much a piece of the furniture on the Eurovision Song contest that Ulrika Johnson sat on him without realising and looked around saying "Has anyone seen Wogan around, where is he?".
- He was responsable for pioneering the 'fashion' style known as 'emo' since which there have been many attempts on his life. However it is not clear if those attempts were self induced as a cry for attention or if is genuine.
- He was nearly banned from returning to Sweeden after calling the Sweedish Eurovision presenters "Dr. Death" and "The Tooth Fairy"
- Has never washed.
- James Joyce wrote Dubliners.
