Tesco
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Tesco (full name : The Federal Union of Autonomous Shopping Republics) is a large international enitity that has grown in size since it origin in 1958. It was founded largely on Marxist-shopping principles, somewhat of a contradiction you might say, but they sure as hell have found a way!
Tesco recruits its staff by hanging outside school gates, waiting for school dropouts. It has a strict policy of not employing anybody with 5 GCSEs or more. If you send them 10 or more CVs they send you a polite letter to tell you to stop sending f***ing CVs. Not much good for those who need a job and a good wage.
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[edit] Pointless Repetitive Tasks
The Tesco job application leaflet states that slaves will perform "A variety of meaningless, pointless, scandalous, abacus tasks involving tasks usually assigned to the circus midgets and creation of 'Hitlers' List'" - Hitlers' List is currently undergoing production as a movie directed by Senor Spielbergo - Stephen Spielberg. Tesco in Poland have violated many union rules especially regarding breaks...toilet breaks. Employees must now wear nappies to keep them working without having to leave the shop floor. Time is money.
The manual also states that Hitler is also attempting to use his slaves to disprove the Cheese String Theory saying that all matter in the universe is in fact made of tiny, tiny, tiny swastikas not equally small Cheese Strings, as many have come to believe. This is a precursor to the Tesco on Philosophy range of books due to hit the shelves in 2009.
[edit] Entertainment
For funding of operations, Tesco camps also provide entertainment services to the public. Attracting large amounts of social clients and other people with nothing else to spend their days on, Tesco provides a playground of goods and merchandises, occasionally including food, where the contestants stroll around with the provided trolleys. Some locations have even built in a private whorehouse.
The task of the game is to gather goods at the lowest price possible, trying to maximize the ratio of goods over total price. For instance, beans are a good product for collecting in the first rounds of the game, as a tin can of beans provide lots of food, basically a full dinner, for just a few pennies. However, more experienced players will know that there are subtle differences, for instance one tin of beans might be 41p, while another is 35p, but the 41p version might come with sausages, providing more food for almost the same amount of money. However, these sausages may not actually be pork meat so may therefore hinder that product in some way.
The intriguing part of the game is that it is so complex. Some goods might come with "Buy 2 for the price of 3" tags, others have "40% more for half the price", and comparing all these products takes careful planning and analysis. It is important to recognize offers that will be popular, because the game of Tesco also involves strategic measures. For instance, if one kind of sliced bread is provided at 11p, but all the others are 50p and above, some players will be running to the cashier with trolleys full of sliced bread. Clearly the strategy is to empty the shelves of the cheap bread so that other players will spend several hours having to choose between the remaining, more expensive bread products. There are helpful staff on hand to assist customers with their queries about bread. The staff are leprechauns and are constantly rummaging through customers' wallets/purses in search of alcohol and gold.
One round of Tesco playing is estimated to last about 5 hours, but breaks are allowed using the pit stop Tesco café. However, while on a break, players might miss out offers of great importance to the overall game results, such as a pile of 20" TVs being placed into the game field, which will be swiftly conquered by the active players.
There are no written rules about the player uniforms, but it is generally regarded that players should wear loose sweatpants or tight leggings, depending on body shape and age. It is not allowed to wear normal shoes, special slippers or sandals must be worn at all times. Old sneakers are allowed, but only combined with proper worn out sweatpants.
The Tesco game is quite complex, and so are the awards. It is therefore difficult to announce the winner of a Tesco game. Prices might involve vouchers for different activities the players will never attend, such as for a fitness center, but could also be discount vouchers for the next game. Thus Tesco players will usually return the next day to continue their quest, addicted to the game.
[edit] The Jayne Alaya Scandal
In 2002, Tesco made a HUGE mistake by hiring an elephant to be a manager at Tesco, Kidderminster. Affectionately titled the 'fattest woman on Earth,' she exists for no other purpose than to waddle around the store putting people off their food and distracting workers, who can't help but stare in wonder. She made headlines again recently when she married long-time lesbian lover Tracy Donaldson. Two nights later, however, Donaldson went missing. Alaya put on 10 stone at this time, although that's very difficult to prove.
[edit] Products
- Main article: Tesco Value
The products that players try to acquire include food, poison, lint, and just about everything else. Many of these products are known as 'Tesco Value' which are a mix of gruel, mushy peas, E numbers, dust and a twist of poison, which has been crudely molded into the foodstuff of other product it is supposed to be. Examples of Tesco Value products include carrots, peas, baked beans, eggs, bread and frog vomit. There are also tins of strange substances that as of yet are unidentified to scientists. There is plenty of strategy in buying the right Tesco value products, as some of them may have hidden advantages (Tesco value peas for instance can be washed and used again). The rest of the products are branded as 'Tesco Finest', and are just the same thing except the price tag is two or three times as much as the regular price. They are essentially put in to fool players and make the game harder to play.
[edit] Final Solution
On 21st March 2007 Tesco's Supermarket invaded the country of Norway. A Tesco task force of 20,000 employees, mainly from the TTA (Tesco Territorial Army) began an invasion of Norway in the early hours of Wednesday morning. The task force fired a large number of shells from their ships. Jeremy Sutton, commander of Tesco Norway Task Force said "we will be using shock and awe to overwhelm the population of Norway ahead of the land invasion". This invasion is thought to be part of Tesco's tough land grab policy taken to extremes, secret documents revealing plans to build up to 250 Tesco's stores on Norway have been released on the internet. Julie Anderson, who usually works on the fish counter at Tesco's, a Radio Operator in the TTA said " I am looking forward to my first operational tour of duty, and my employer will keep my job open while I am away, unlike other employers". We will be monitoring the war in Norway over the coming months....
Of course, by using the facilty as an entertainment centre, a laboratory and a slave labour camp, Hitler is generating vast amounts of revenue. Of course, we are not supposed to be telling you this, so we are all using aliases.
[edit] Extra Game
An even harder game to play in Tesco is to try to just surrender and get a Tesco Card. (Or Tesco Loan, Tesco Car Insurance, Tesco Credit Card or any other of the many Tesco Services "available".) This game is often played at Tesco Roselawn, Dublin, Ireland. To this date there are no known players who have succeeded in this game at all.
[edit] The secret plan
Overall, Tesco has a secret plan which is so secret that only a few people know of this. They intend to turn every person within the United Kingdom into mindless zombies. To do this they will mobilise hundreds of thousands of troops who are currently hidden under mass bunkers under every Tesco store. These will storm ever city, town and hamlet and force everybody to eat Tesco value products, that slowly turn the brain into potassium nitrate, and acidic substance.(Where Tesco value is not available tesco select is used). With this new army of mindless zombies (the greater of the three different breeds of zombies), and with a foothold already in Poland and china, the executive co-managing directorial managers of tesco will storm the rest of Europe, and then the world, turning everyone into Supermarket slaves. Before this happens however, Tesco will launch WMD`s (weapons of miscellaneous dampness) at all rival superstores, clearing the road for their own breed of evil.
[edit] Tesco Attack The US
As Tesco's European campaign thundered forward, Sir Terry Leahy (AKA Holly Willoughby and her hypnotic breasts, secret leader of the terrorist organisation known only as Mecca Bingo PLC) and his/her associates began to look west with gready eyes, towards the United States of America, home of the brave, land of the buy-one-get-one-free. The original plan was to build a giant warehouse, hide a Dirrty bomb (TM, Xtina Aguilera 2001) inside, and place a sign over the entrance with the words "Free (Or nearest offer) Air Guitar Inside for first 200 million customers," to lure the people of the United States inside to their death. Unfortunately this plan failed, as the air guitars were stolen by Angus Young (from AC/DC, as well as part time freedom fighter gang, the So Solid Crew). Tesco bosses began a worldwide search for him, but had no luck in discovering his whereabouts. Angus was last seen driving down the highway to hell, known to locals and the FBI as the A143, somewhere near Grimsby.
Back to the drawing board for Tesco.
Behind the scenes tensions were rising, Miss Willoughby and her breasts argued constantly, both boobs did in fact try to escape during a live production of Dancing on Ice (a tv programme aimed at brainwashing retarded people into purchasing more Tesco products), but to no avail. They did however manage to grab a few seconds of freedom during a live show at the Birmingham NEC, Dancing on Ice:On Ice, but were quickly brought under control by Phillip Schofield's hands. Mr Schofield wishes it to be known that he denies these allegations, as well as those nasty rumours about Gordon the Gopher.
After a while, the new plan was hatched, and so were millions of eggs. Dinosaur eggs. Tesco recently "acquired" a copy of research produced during filming of the made-for-TV documentery, "Jurassic Park". A Mr S.Spielberg wishes it to be known that allegations of bribery were never proven, and he doesn't know how those funds got into his bank account.
So thousands upon thousands of dinosaur eggs were produced, and quickly substituted with Walmarts normal egg range. It is hoped that they will hatch and eat every Walmart customer to buy them. But for now, like Robbie Willams (who?), Tesco have not cracked America.
[edit] Ethnic tensions within Tesco
A report commissioned in early 2007 noted that Tesco has now got so large that various sub-dialects have formed within the employee base of each store. The dialects have now become so diverse that an employee from Fresh foods can no longer communicate with someone from Wine and Spirits without an intermediary. The shift in dialects has caused some ethnic tensions within the store. In early 2008 members of the Dairy and Bread Department successfully wrestled control of the Vegetable isle of Tesco and declared unilateral independance. So far the Customer Service Desk has not recognized the move and is threatening to dispatch a small battalion of trolley boys to retake the isle by force. Initial talks between the two sides have failed, at the infamous Morrisons car park summit held last month. The Dairy deparment, now under the jurisdiction of the PRD (The People's Republic of Dairy and Milk) have called for a independent UN investigation into the treatment of Dairy employees during the work year. The situation was further complicated by the breakaway province Frznjds (fomerly the Autonomous republic of Frozen Foods) who closed off isles with other sections and are not letting any customers in until their secession has been recognized.
As of Mrach 2008 customers do not require a Visa to shop in the Hygiene, Canned goods or cereal isles of Tesco however a special mandatory permit is required to buy Frozen or dairy produce.
[edit] New Marketing Strategy
SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to invest £300 billion in a major expansion plan which will see it build a mini-store attached to every home in Britain within the next five years. The retailing superstar said it would add on one of its new Tesco Extension branded outlets to the rear of every house in the country, even those which contained poor people.
Each unit, which will be the size of a large conservatory, will be erected overnight with the minimum of disruption to people's lives, and will be accessible from the family kitchen through the rear of the existing fridge. Customers will pass through the fridge into their own private Tesco wonderland, stocked with a full range of essential grocery products including hot dog sausages, pork and leek sausages, and cumberland sausages.
Sir Terry Leahy, Tesco chief executive, said: "We wanted to bring back some of the magic and wonder of shopping for mums and their children. The new Tesco Extension stores will be the Narnia of the supermarket world."
However, it does not look as if Tesco is going to have it all its own way. Rival Sainsbury is already planning a fightback with its own Dr Who themed brand of individual home-based stores. It is planning to attach a small police phone box to the rear of every British home, even those that already have a Tesco Extension.
Even though the Sainsbury store will be smaller on the outside than the rival Tesco outlet it will be bigger on the inside, the supermarket claimed, allowing it to stock an even greater variety of sausages. In addition, Sainsbury said its stores will be able to travel through time thus ending forever the need to throw away food which has gone past its use-by date.
Sainsbury are even circumventing the "Recruiting at the school gates" laws by allowing their head of marketing (Celebrity chef and pukking idiot) Jamie Oliver to go into schools and cook School dinners while pushing the Sainsbury ethos that you have to visit Sainsbury's if you want good wholesome, not-for-chav, expensive, flavour-packed food instead of the reformed turkey products available at Tesco.
However Autumn 2007 saw the rivalry intensified when Tesco signed up the Spice Girls to head their new marketing strategy, pushing to the forefront of the British publics mind the ethos that if they can recycle five old bags so can you and reconstituted, reformed old turkey is cheap you know.
[edit] False Rumours
- Tesco do NOT employ chimps to label the food
- There's NO such thing as a free lunch from Tesco
- Tesco is NOT where me and your mom had our first kiss
- Tesco is NOT where Hitler worked before becoming a rent boy (which he also did NOT do)
- A job at Tesco is NOT the reason why millions of teenagers have enough money to spend on alcohol
- Tesco NEITHER employ NOR sell Oompa Loompas.
- The original slogan was NOT 'every little helps, in world domination'
- There is NO such film as Charlie and the Tesco factory.
- Tesco do NOT test their new fried Sewer rats on humans
- Tesco does NOT have cameras in the toilets
- Tesco has NOT bought the other side of the Moon. Yet.
- Tesco is NOT a Political Party.
- Tesco is NOT the second largest illegal immigrant transporter (it's first)
[edit] The Tesco Slogan
The Tesco advertising slogan is "Every little helps". It has been pointed out that Sid Little, one half of the British comedy duo Little & Large has in fact never been seen helping at Tesco. Therefore we at Unencyclopedia would like you the readers to help settle this misleading rhetoric by voting in this official unofficial poll.
[edit] Origin of the name
Tesco was originally called the 'Office of Fair Trading' and was part of the british government, but soon after deciding to go for a world take-over bid, they changed their name to the Totalitarian Economy for Social and Communist Organisations (TESCO). This change was to ensure a clearer description of what they actually do.
[edit] See also
| This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this. |
