Texus
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| TEXUS - The Redneck State | |
 | |
| Motto | "We are really just small, insecure boys with large sticks" |
| Party | Republican, old school Democrat (i.e. the racist kind). |
| Government | Republican democrazy |
| Capital | Disputed. Rival claims by Dallas, Houston, Mexico City. |
| Official languages | Texan (all os at the end of words are pronounced like uh. Also, the word y'all replaces "you all", and throw in some Ged'ur'done's.) |
| National bird | Velociraptor |
| National flying rodent | Mocking Bird |
| National seal | Baby Seal (especially while being clubbed). |
| National firearm | All of them, 'though Winchester dildos preferred. |
| National beer | Lone Star (Shiner Bock if you just got paid) |
| Arch-Enemy | Democrats, liberals or rhode islanders (those commie bastards) |
| National Color | Aggie Maroon or Burnt Orange depending on which school your grandpappy did his book learnin. |
| Imports | Oil, illegal immigrants, more oil, SUVs |
| Exports | Deported illegal immigrants, gun wounds |
“Everything is bigger in Texas, except for our brains”
~ Regular retarded Texan on Texas
“Happiness is Texas in your rear view mirror”
“No jury in the world would convict a baby of murder. Except maybe in Texas.”
~ Chief Wiggum on The Simpsons
Texas, also known as "the Redneck State", "Texass", officially known as the Republic of Texas and is the rectal center of the known universe, surpassing something in wasteness in the year 1822. The name "Texas" is derived from a Caddoan word meaning "Drive Friendly". Unfortunately, no one in Texass speaks Caddoan anymore, so instead they all drive like "Tex-asses".
If you are from Texas, you know that you are privileged enough to call your aunt "Mom", and there is nothing wrong with you that being inbred didn't cause. Texan men are the smartest men in the state of Texas, and the women all look like Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders after a few surgeries paid for with an oil tycoon's fortune. You can recognize texans by looking at their hands. No thumb = texan.
You also know that you own the road. You KNOW you know it.
You may joyfully become a second class citizen if you do all of the following:
- Speak Texan. (Amarill-uh, Armadill-uh...)
- Admit that the Dallas Cowboys are "God's Team."
- Pray five times daily while toward the Astrodome.
- Make at least one pilgrimage to Austin and then to the Shrine de San Antonio (i.e. el Alamo).
- Acknowledge that real Bar-B-Que is made with beef, cooked over mesquite, The State Weed.
- Admit that The Dubya family is the best thing to happen to the world.
- Accept a lobotomy. A partial one will do. Ya' need to fit in, God'dam'it!
Contents |
[edit] Present day
Texas is much different than it was thousands of years ago and today it is an advanced anarchy. Still, Texas has kept its status as being one of the most Southern Conservative states, even banning gays from donning apparel during the Christmas season. In the war against Iraq, millions of Texans signed up just so they could kill them some Arabs anyone at all, showing that neanderthals still are alive and well today.
Believe it or not, Texas has been stripped of its statehood as many times as Janet Jackson has been stripped of her bra, both before millions of people.
[edit] History
It is said that God blessed Texas with his own hand, originally designating it as a place where angels could dance. In fact, the place was so great he had to create obnoxious Texans to restore the balance.
Texans lived in peace and harmony with their fellow countrymen until the rest of the nation suddenly became White and started speaking English. Unable to bear such oppression, the native Texas population spontaneously broke out into a native, internal rebellion against their own native government, without any outside or non-native influence whatsoever from a flood of U.S. criminals fleeing justice.
Texas's role in the American Civil War is really just a big misunderstanding. Texas actually had no interest in slavery and in fact had never even heard of slavery. If Texas were to have ever been offered a slave, it would have said NO!! to abolition. Yeehaa!.
[edit] Geography
The most remarkable thing about Texas is the smell, often described as a mix of sweaty old men and sweaty old steers. The most exciting city in Texas is Houston or Dallas... or Austin. However, Houston remains the closest thing to the country's only anglo-free zone, and attracts a wide variety of Americans who are Asian, undercover Anglos, African American, and JMexican 'border patrol' monitor all entrances to Houston. The city boasts authentic local cuisine (hoorah!), live music concerts that attract visitors, and a few synagogues. Dallas on the other hand, contains several airports in order to escape Texas. In general, this is considered much more exciting than going to Fort Worth. Plano, Texas is where people go when they are sentenced to eternity in Hell. Everyone suffers from mental retardation due to inbreeding in Haskell. El Paso would be considered non-redneck by Texans.
Example:
Public: Hi there? Can you direct me to the "chili Cook Off" in El Paso is? Person from Texas: Mexico City? I reckon you must be agoin the wrong way. Y'all come back now!
Texas is known for its wildly varying geography. It has vast pine forests in East Texas, arid desert land in South Texas, rocky canyons in West Texas, and a yawning abyss 700 miles wide outside of Amarillo in the North.
[edit] Claims to Fame
- Over 450% of Texans' own firearms (and can use them to amazing proficiency) and Texans' are renown for the brilliant skills in calculus.
- Through intense training, most Texan women can speak with their nipples, and some Texan men make sounds with their oral cavity. Most of the ramblings will be intelligible.
- If you wear the Texas flag, display it in any manner, or talk about it you're considered part of the gay community.
- Was once legally gambled away to Canada by French Stewart on a game show.
- Texas is America's camel toe.
- Texas is famous for its real people, like, the real Walker, Texas Ranger.
- For being the toilet where Anna Nicole Smith vomited her lunches.
- Annual runner up in the global Who Has the Most Mexicans Contest due to its close proximity to Nuevo México.
- Texas is the only country of the union in which it is still legal to punch octogenarians in the face. Or anything, if you carry a gun.
- The first country to establish an express-lane in its Death Row facilities. Texas boasts the fastest and biggest execution row of any nation in the world.
- Texas has also pioneered the Oswald method of voting for a president, which is actually done after the election & inuageration instead of before like the rest of the country.
- Don't mess with Texas! It's not nice to make fun of retards. (Especially when those "retards" have firearms and know how to use them) (Fortunately, most of the same "people" shoot themselves in their own feet when they pull their firearms...)"
- It is legally required all meat be eaten by the time you return home from the store, because who the hell would wait that long.
- George Bush opened a whorehouse in Crawford only open to hillbillies, rednecks, and stuck up uncletom bitches. They offer the best head givers in Texas.
[edit] Economy
Texas produces the following vital products:
- Texans
- Beef
- Salsa
- Four Star Thrillers
- Tourism because of endless summer
- Ice (Available in 2009)
- High School Football
- Oil
- Cacti
- Lone Star Beer and Shiner Bock Beer!!
- Cheap Labor
- More beef
- Mexicans
Oil combined with oxygen creates fire, which Texas is often covered with. Fire combined with steers creates beef, which is what's for dinner. This cycle is seen throughout Texas.
There is a common misconception that only tumbleweeds come from Texas. That's only partially true, tumbleweeds are not native to Texas. They start in Mexico and migrate north to Oklahoma during summer.
[edit] Texans
| Here I sit, buns a-flexin', just gave birth to another Texan. | ||
| —A particularly astute restroom wall | ||
A Texan is, by definition someone who lives in Texas and shoots a gun in the air. They also have evolved a gaping hole in their brain which cripples their higher-level functions, including but not limited to literacy, humor comprehension, and the spelling of "break" - as the following paragraph will attest to:
| Wrong, there is no way to really define Texans because there are more than a couple of people who don’t fit the profile that northerners have created
For example: I may use the word ya’ll but have never even heard the word howdy used in conversation (unless that person was making fun of my accent, or from Dallas), I don’t own a gun therefore I don’t run around and shoot it in the air and even if I did have a gun I wouldn’t shoot it in the air-that would be dangerous, I hate football with a passion and have no idea in which direction the Texas stadium is, I don’t care for the bush family, I have never been to Austin, the only cowboy hat my family owns is part of a Halloween costume my three year old brother wore last year. We (non-rednecks, who live in houses) call these people normal. But I will admit there are people who do fit the northerner’s profile of Texans. What I’m trying to say is please stop saying all Texans are a certain way because it's not true. Give us normal people a brake. So that when we go to other states we don’t have to put up with ignorant people thinking we are dim-witted rednecks that should say, “Howdy Partner” to entertain them. Oh yeah, Git'r, done! | ||
| —Some Subliterate Hick | ||
Most Texans can be identified by their belief that Texas is the largest piece of land ever to share a name, and that everything in Texas is larger than elsewhere. The rest, such as the subliterate hick quoted above, can be identified by their belief that they are not Texan at all, or that not all Texans are the same. Texans are a backward people who generally discriminate against others and are incapable of being anything but cowboys and homemakers.
Texans are actually taught in school that the whole world is 2/3rds the size of Texas.
[edit] Famous Texans
- Gay cowboys, as seen in Brokeback Mountain
- Baby Bush
- Barney, the big purple dinosaur
- Hank Hill (not technically Texan, was born in NYC) (but I know him and he is a cool guy so we accept him)
- Hurricane Rita
- The Butthole Surfers
- Govenor Rick Perry, who resides in Austin, and, although bieng re-elected like, twice, hasn't done jack shit for quite a while.
[edit] Major Cowtowns of Texas
- Austin, notorious for the freaks at the University of Texas
- Dallas aka Fort Worth
- Fort Worth aka Dallas
- San Antonio
- Laredo, aka Disney's Tacoland
- Huntsville, aka Death Row
- Screwston
- Corpus Christi, aka City by the Black Sea
- El Paso, aka Mexicanville
- Shreveport
- Lubbock
- Plano, aka Roidville
- Allen, aka Plano
- Frisco, aka Hellhole
- McKinney, aka, uh, where's McKinney?
- Uvalde, aka, land of the prince of the brown dirt road, land of downes syndrome babies
[edit] Quotes About Texas
- "Can I see an execution? Can I? Can I?" (Oscar Wilde)
- "As inevitable as death in Texas" (Kelly Bundy)
- "We are at war with California. We have always been at war with California. Emmanuel Goldstein is from California." (former Governor of Texas, Ann Richards)
- "Y'all can go to Heaven, I'm going to Texas." (Davy Crockett).
- "Why do you need courage when you have a gun?" (Dr. Zoidberg)
- "I plan to free Texas from the Texans for the Texans." (Gina Polombit)
- "Don't mess with Texas! (It's not nice to pick on retards)" (Bill Moyers)
- "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could." (Bumper Sticker)
- "So far from heaven, so close to Texas" (official state motto of New Mexico)
[edit] See also
- Dumpster
- Texas cowtowns
- Texas Tech
- Baylor University
- French Fried Potaters
[edit] External links
- Grackle News Texas's only Newspaper named after the state bird
| The American Red States AKA Megatexas |
| Alabama - Alaska - Arizona - Arkansas - Colorado - Georgia - Idaho - Illinois - Indiana - Iowa - Kansas - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - Montana - Nebraska - Nevada - New Hampshire - North Carolina - North Dakota - Ohio - Oklahoma - South Carolina - South Dakota - Tennessee - Texas - Utah - Virginia - West Virginia - Wyoming - Washington |
| States in the South |
| Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina - Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - and sometimes Ohio |
