The -pus family

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The octopus is the most popular of the -pus species of animals. Octo- is Latin for "able to give eight high-fives at once", and -pus is Latin for "having a gelatineous head resembling creatures in The Legend of Zelda." The rest of the -pus family is less known, but is still equally as -pussy.

[edit] Species

[edit] Monopus

The monopus is the most common of the -pus family. In ancient times, these creatures were considered a delicacy and eaten at all the smart political banquets. They were often laced with LSD (lexosodiumonophosphiummethamphetamnie), which caused people to believe that communism would work. Rediscovered by Charles "Chuck" Darwin in 1893 and one-half, he mistook them for frog larvae and named them Tadpoles.

The monopus is characterized by the one flagellate coming out of its ass. Many people believe that this flagellate is used for movement. They are wrong. When it is moving, the monopus is merely masturbating. The ejaculation causes movement, and the semen is collected and put in many male hair care products. The semen is often mistook for "frog spawn". Due to the excessive ejaculation of the males, reproduction is extremely low due to sexual exhaustion, and many of the females turn lesbian.

[edit] Dipus

The dipus is the only genetically engineered member of the -pus family. It was accidentally created when German professor Von Count von Baron III, Esq. dropped two monopi into a particle accelerator and they crashed into each other at a googl ( 1, and a shitload of 0's) mph. This technique was perfected by the Russians in the Cold War. Many dipi escaped in the Chernobyl explosion and sought refuge in people's asses, which is why many Russians act as though they have a stick in their ass. Dipi need a warm climate to live, which is why assholes are so popular. The dipus is the only member of the -pus family with hair. The hair is a camouflage mechanism, making the dipus indistinguishable from those damn Commie's hairy asses.

The most famous Dipi is Tails' tail from "Sonic the Hedgehog". It may look, to the untrained eye, that Tails has a genetically altered tail but it is in fact a dipi stuck up his ass. This dipi is very rare, it has mastered the ability to fly, by spinning its flagellum in a circular motion to generate lift.

[edit] Tripus

The tripus is a very depressed creature, even more so than Marvin from Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The tripus is often called "Odd Todd" by the rest of the -pussies because it has three flagellum, one arm and two legs, and only one eye. The real reason that they only have one eye has eluded scientists for minutes, until they stopped caring. Popular belief says it was a result of a disastrous hunting trip with Dick Cheney. Not much else is known about the tripus, because it is to ashamed to come do an interview. The suicide rate of the tripus is higher than that of lemmings.

[edit] Quadrapus

It's just an octopus missing four legs. What did you expect? The quadrapus was first created when a table was blasted with super saian radiation and mixed with chemical YYZ (invented by the deity Neil Peart). This newly formed member of the -pus family discovered it was a-sexual and quickly gave itself a one night stand. Upon waking up the next morning the quadrapus soon discovered it was pregnant and immediately began nagging itself to pay more attention to itself. The first few quadrapi were found in the middle of forests with a knife in their belly and a jar of peanut butter pickles in one hand.

[edit] Pentapus

"bleep bleep bleep mother-bleeping bleep-sucking bleep bleeper."
-Pentapus on Life

This is one badass mofo -pus. The pentapus is the most vulgar of the -pus family, and the only creature ever to beat Billy Bob Thorton in a swearing contest. This amazing ability comes from the fact that the pentapus is the only -pus that can give people "the Bird."