The Best Page in the Universe
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"Guns don't kill best pages, I kill best pages."
— Duke Nukem on The Best Page in the Universe
“..or possibly The Kill Everyone Project. Either way, "Viva Le Petite Gasmaster!"”
~ Lord Byron on The Best Page in the Universe
The Best Page in the Universe is a theoretical webpage that connects all of the available information in the Universe with all of the other non-available information in the Universe, and perhaps some information concerning other universes. Theoretical physicists fear the creation of TBPITU could rip the very fabric of space-time into confetti, or possibly create a massive negative black hole, into which most of the known Universe is converted to a looped showing of The Sound of Music, with all of the music replaced by reggae-electronic-50s-gangsta rap(not different each scene - a meshing of them all), break times showing a version of footloose in which all dance music is replaced by"The Name Game", and Kevin Bacon is played by Darth Hitler (who may play Hitler in The Sound of Music). Oprah will do a cameo. Everyone else except Jesus, Chuck Norris, and Optimus Prime will be incinerated. The aforementioned exceptions may do what they want.
4-D model of The Best Page in the Universe at 90% completion.
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[edit] Attempts to create The Best Page in the Universe
During the mid- to late- 1990s numerous attempts were made by quantum physicists at Bell Laboratories in Detroit, Michigan, along with a crack team of lunatics, perverts, truck drivers, and evil-doers to create The Best Page in the Universe.
Fortunately, none of them combined all the necessary elements, most noticeably Pop Rocks. Rumors persist that the closest attempt was made by George Lucas. However, the process went horribly wrong, and the world ended up with Star Wars Episode I.
[edit] Elements required for The Best Page in the Universe
At this point, only mathematical models of TBPITU exist, however, its appearance and contents are widely known by members of the CIA, the CIB, the Illuminati and the A-Team.
The page must have a reddish brown background (or, alternatively, an animated tiled background with contrast great enough so as to render the body text unreadable) with a pink and green border. All text on the page must be rendered in purple Comic Sans, and be emboldened and at least 1 inch in physical height. Its markup must have been generated by a warezed copy of Microsoft Frontpage. The various constituent text and images must be randomly centered or set to the left margin. The following elements must be present:
- The Dancing Baby
- Animation of Star Wars kid
- An oil painting of Bill Gates.
- A neo-impressionism interpretation of Steve Jobs and Linus Torvalds shitting on an oil painting of Bill Gates.
- A picture of this guy
- At least 5 flashing adverts for viagra
- Huge blue hyperlink stating "LOVE YOU!!!!!!" that points nowhere (LOVE YOU!!!!!!)
- At least 4 randomly placed angel images
- The must unflattering image of you that can be found.
- A trans-dimensional representation of Pop Rocks, grape, if possible.
- A loud midi tune of the Macarena
- At least 6 pop-up adverts for dating agencies
- Hyperlinks to the 400 most stupid websites in existence
- Text containing the following words or phrases: "Kewl", "Write me!!!", "this is sooo cute!"
- Kewl write me!!!! this is sooo cute!
- At least one poorly rendered HTML table with blank cells and a 10 pixel thick border
- 1600 randomly placed porn pictures
- A large, very poorly animated GIF of a mailbox or an envelope, hyperlinked to a Hotmail email address, with the 'mailto:' left out
- Various anthropoligical statements on pseudo-cultures
- A few transvestite swans
- Hyperlinks to various Tetris sites
- A puffin which is near to reaching Nirvana
- Crazy Frog
- Bubble wrap
- 18 definitions of twenty-two
- A six hour animation of frozen pointy stick
[edit] Most Awesome Page Ever
Believed to be an attempt to create a page almost as good as The Best Page in the Universe, it failed miserably and resulted in something better. But The Universe couldn't accept the paradox of something better than the best, and so turned The Most Awesome Page Ever into a bunch of bullshit....or tried to. In truth, The Universe was too hammered to really fuck up The Most Awesome Page Ever, so instead it created more universes so the theoretical Best Page in the Universe would only be the best in it's universe, and the Most Awesome Page Ever was better....everywhere else. However, The Most Awesome Page ever is working hard to become Most Awesome here, too. The result would be either good, bad, or neutral, in varying degrees, for the Multiverse. Beyond that, theoretical scientists don't know
[edit] The Ontological Argument for the Existence of the Best Page in the Universe
Al Gore was convinced of the existence of the Best Page in the Universe, and his famous attempt to prove it by logic and intuition alone is known as the Ontological Argument. His reasoning is as follows:
1. One cannot conceive of a better page than the Best Page in the Universe.
2. If the Best Page in the Universe didn't exist then one could conceive of a greater--The Best Page in the Universe that does exist.
3. Therefore the Best Page in the Universe must exist.
Upon publishing this proof, Al Gore promptly ceased to exist.
