Borg
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“Assimilate this.”
~ Worf on the Borg
“All resistance is quite futile.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Borg
“You bloody ripoffs.”
~ Cybermen on the Borg
The Borg are a cybernetic race from the 24th Century and the only decent villains on "Star Trek: The Next Generation", since the Klingons turned into wusses and sided with the Federation. Contrary to popular belief, they do not produce the beer Kronenbourg, that's the French.
Borg is also a name for abnormally successful tennis players.
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[edit] Who are the Borg?
The Borg are a race of Swedish cyborgs who use incredibly advanced technology to "assimilate" others into their collective so as to make themselves more perfect. They move from planet to planet, incorporating the inhabitants and their technology into the Borg collective and stripping planets of all resources. Although repeated assertions have been made that they bear an uncanny resemblance to Microsoft, any such comparison is angrily rejected by the Borg. Incorporation into the Borg turns a person into a robotic being, a rigid, soulless automaton devoid of character, individuality, or emotion, rather like Keanu Reeves or Hillary Clinton . Despite being so advanced, whenever the Borg walk they stagger around in a stiff and clumsy fashion, like Al Gore after six beers.
In their spare time, the Borg run a Taxi service for the Emperor of Morley to get a bit of pin money.
[edit] Origins of the Borg
The Borg were created when a BDSM club catering exclusively to leatherclad homosexual men entered a spatiotemporal rift presumably caused by a fisting paradox and was jettisoned into a protoplasmic soup of inanimate nanotech on the far side of the galaxy. This mysterious primordial ocean of liquid nanotech then came to life devouring the intruders. But the gay psyche was too strong and came to dominate the nanotech, upon which the Borg arose out of the protoplasma with only one goal: assimilate
[edit] Borgification
The process of being assimilated is called Borgification. The Borg remove useless parts of the organic being(such as that little thingy that hangs down in the back of your throat) and the body is upgraded with the installation of cybernetic components, for instance, microchips, fiber optics, lithium power cells, lasers, lots and lots of wires and cables and hoses, inkjet printers, servo motors, toasters, and a robotic little thingy to hang down the back of your throat. During the process the individual is forced to watch "barney and friends meets teletubbies" on a windows computer for three days straight to break down any remaining traces of soul or consciousness. The resulting Borgified human is a soulless drone without any individuality, a mere cog in a vast, unfeeling machine of destruction. On the plus side, you now have the ability to store up to 200 hours of music on your built-in 30 GB hard drive. There is talk of a huge 1TB hard drive for some Borg, but these are unlikely to be implemented soon, as Google have used up most of the universe's available disk space.
[edit] Species of The Collective
Thousands of species from millions of worlds contribute to the Borg collective, including humans, Romulans, Cardassians, Sporks and Vulcans. However, not all Borg member species are humanoid. Among the non-humanoid Borg are the cute little kitten pictured here. Borg vessels may also include borgified pets such as goldfish, parrots and turtles, or livestock such as cows and llamas. After all, there's no particular reason the species you assimilate has to be intelligent if you're just going to subsume it into a hive-mind anyway. The lack of prehensile appendages can quickly be fixed by attaching a spare human arm or two. However, the problem with assimilating too many species without opposable thumbs is that unless you've got a lot of extra human appendages laying around, the collective quickly ends up short-handed.
[edit] Enemies of the Borg
Enemies of the Borg consist of pretty much anybody who isn't Borg. In no particular order:
- The Federation. The Borg launched an attack on Earth to assimilate its population. They were only stopped when Skynet and Dr. Who's Cybermen launched copyright-infringement lawsuits against them.
- The Klingons. The Borg have decided to simply exterminate the Klingons rather than assimilate them, because it's really a pain in the ass to get metal components to stick onto those funky foreheads.
- The Fjord. The Fjord are a race which split off from the main Borg Collective thousands of years ago. They are exactly the same as the Borg, except they speak with a Norwegian accent. To this day, the Fjord and the Borg remain bitter enemies, forever divided over the issue of whether or not to speak with a Norwegian accent. The Fjord also smell vaguely of smoked salmon, which is another reason the Borg don't like them.
- Rust
- Kittens. The war between the Borg and the Planet of Cute Little Defenseless Kittens lasted about 23 seconds, after which the kittens accepted the unconditional surrender of the Borg and told them to get off their planet.
- 'That piece of metal no-one cut off'. The piece of metal hath claimed many a borg life. Their senses dont pick it up as an active threat, anyone who meets it dies before they can tell the others, and its alway catching the excess tubing coming out of their heads.
- Species 8472. For no reason at all, those guys can anal the borg in less than half a second.
- Rabbids can't be assimilated into the Borg. BUT. THEY. CAN. DANCE!
- Computer viruses, which make the Borg freeze, reboot, delete files and play NSFW movies at inappropriate times.
- The Kazon. Of only one reason; The Borg wants to be perfect, and the Kazon are so stupid that even one assimillated Kazon would ruin all the work they've done for eternity, plus drones need to be bald, and its a known fact that Kazon hair is indestructible. Why else do you think the Kazon have the shittiest hairdos in the galaxy?
- Cybermen. They are angry that the Borg stole their shtick. Technically they cant be angry, but you get the picture.
[edit] Fighting the Borg
The Borg are virtually unstoppable killing machines. However, here are a few tips to help survive a Borg attack.
- Get the all invincible crew of Voyager to kill them for you.
- If you can, run, although the Borg ships are capable of moving at incredible speeds.
- install a sexually transmitted computer virus into Data and make him rape the borg.
- Use photon torpedoes. And Quantum Torpedoes. And Transphasic Torpedoes. And Chroniton Torpedoes.
- Use your phasers, rapidly shifting frequencies to stay ahead of the Borg's ability to shift their shields.
- The Borg can rapidly adapt to your phaser fire. Use unconventional means of attack such as spreading nasty rumors behind their backs to all their friends. Wait...they don't have any friends. Never mind.
- Shoot them with holographic bullets from your holographic tommy gun
- Point and laugh at their ugly face.
- If the Borg nevertheless invade your ship, try to fit in. If the Borg think you're already one of them, you won't be assimilated. Dance "The Robot". Try covering yourself with aluminum foil.
- Pull some tubing from their heads.
- Hit them with a blunt object. They won't expect it.
- Shine a laser pointer at their scanners.
- Throw Worf at them. Ridges facing front of course.
- Make Kirk do them.
- put your finger on their chest, say "you've got something on your shirt", and when they look down, hit and run.
- Correct their pronunciation of the word "futile".
- Magnets. Lots and lots of magnets.
- Make them go to sleep.
- The common cold.
- Get them to see an optical illusion. Interpreting the pointless seems efficient against Borgs. See philosophy.
- Break off an extended part of their mechanical body.
- Assimilate them.
- Rickroll them.
- Since they are notoriously slow-moving, just walk away.
- Cover your eyes. The Borg are notorious for thinking if you can't see them, they can't see you.
- Just download windows vista into their hard drive.
[edit] History
Borg started their career performing in low-class Sundsvall pubs in exchange for beer. Sideshow's real parents died in 1982 and for some reason bequeathed Sideshow with a music studio in nearby France. The band then decided on a name (Borg) and cut their first demo tape. The instruments were shoddily played, and the music was crap. Borg sent their demo tape to all the major, minor, and produced-out-of-basement labels.
Somehow, their demo tape landed in the hands of Kevin Smith, a visionary filmmaker whose first project was 1984's Footloose, an epic story of love and heartbreak in the Caribbean starring Ross Gellar. Kevin was intrigued by the raw, emotionless music and decided to include Borg on the movie's soundtrack. Following the release of Footloose, Borg skyrocketed to popularity and got their first top-40 hit with "I wanna be assimilated".
The following year, Borg produced their first album, the inimitable First Contact. The tone and style of their new album was much more mainstream and accessible. The album soon went triple diamond. Following the release of the album, in 1985, "Resistance is Futile (give me all your love)" hit #1 and stayed there for all 52 weeks. America, Europe, and the world was in love with Borg.
Unbeknownst to Borg, an alien of blood curdling terror was watching them from its imperial starcruiser of force. The alien chose to infest the minds of Borg and turn their bodies into evil, morphing, visceriods. The visceroids then mega-morphed into the current Borg with the help of John Kerry, the ent. The Borg is currently planting mind seeds into USA's high council. The Borg has been seen on vacation sailing its 38 ft schooner on lake michigan.
[edit] Borgisms
- See Borgisms
According to [1], a borgism is an ancient proverb that follows the format of "I am (celebrity) of Borg, you will be ________":
[edit] See Also
- Bork
- Bjork
- Bort
- Fjord
- Borg Sandwich
- Borgship Voyager
- Borg Collective
- Jehovah's Witnesses
- Seven of Nine
- Ernest Borg Nine
- iBorg
- Microsoft
- Bill Gates
