The Boring Years of American History

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“Wouldn't "The Exciting Years of American History" make for a more easily digestible article?”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Boring Years of American History

American History is filled with memorable events, from the Revolution to the Second World War. In between that time, there are a number of really, really boring events that no one actually cares about. But since they happened, they have always been recorded in school textbooks in order to fill up pages between the good stuff.

[edit] Events (whether these count as "events" is in dispute)

• The Colonies, before it gets exciting. People built things out of wood and drank cider. Not much else.
• People started to branch off from the religion they originally branched off from, and made separate branches themselves. They then formed their own religions which were based on key differences such as whether St. Peter wore hair braids or if Moses was Italian.
• People grew bored during the long years between wars, when nothing ever happened. They made names for themselves by being the best at what they did, whether it be planting trees, building log cabins, or hammering railroad spikes. People were fairly bored back then.
• Old people wearing wigs made up hundreds of political parties that no one cared about or would ever care about, being so clever as to make up code words for their own parties that ultimately meant Republican.
• People debated over political issues that, in retrospect, weren't all that important.
• People come up with wacky inventions and medical solutions that turn out to do nothing. The practice continues to this day.
• The Victorian Period. All of it. Can't you people stay in England without infecting every country you step on?
• 1946 to the invention of Rock and Roll, a.k.a., The Great Post War Letdown. After asserting its authority as Leader of the Free World, nothing really happens in the U.S. as Americans are faced with six years of trying to recapture the energy and an excitement of the WWII era by dropping hemlines and moving to Suburbia. Nothing works - including the pithy Korean War, until the evening of the March 21, 1952 when the Moondog Coronation Ball is held in Cleveland Ohio. Rock and Roll is born at the event, and the ticking time bomb that is Bob Dylan's angst is lit.
• The 1910s. Though pretty, nothing actually happened in 1910.
• The 1950s. Stuff happened in the 1950's, but nobody wants to talk about it. There was nothing worth watching on television in those days. Not that there is now, but at least it's in color.

Some people place the Reformation in this time period. Others place their own state history in this era. Thoughout American History, if there is one single lesson to be learned from the past, it is that all the exciting stuff happens when people kill each other. Who the Hell wants to live peacefully and bicker about petty issues all day? Just fight it out like men. You wig-wearing pansies.