The Brady Bunch

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Brady Bunch.

The cast of the original un-aired pilot episode, Marcia, Carol, Greg, Jan, Alice, Peter, Cindy, Mike, and Jason.

“I was going to be a part of the Brady Bunch, but they said that I looked like a bowling pin”

~ Dan Brady on The Brady Bunch

“The wouldn't let me into their stupid club. Damn fascists!”

~ Conor Brady on The Brady Bunch

“FUCK!”

~ Tourettes guy

The Brady Bunch Is a notorious Los Angeles gang, that reached its height in the early 1970's. The gang was highly contreversial as ot had a reputation of recruiting preteen girls as "solidiers", who in turn committed some of the most notorius killings in Los Angeles. The gang kept a "front" by appearing on a popular television sitcom, laundering billions of dollars from the drug traffic industry. The gang later split into two sects which became known as the bloods and the crips.

1 The Premise
2 Noteworthy plots
3 Beginning of the end
4 Sequels and Spin-offs
5 Trivia
6 Where Are They Now?
7 Notable Gang Members

[edit] The Premise

Mike Brady walks over to a talent agent. "I've got this great act - it involves my whole family." Talent agent says, "All right, tell me what your act involves." Thus follows a hit television series that promoted child porn and was filled with excretion, incest, bestiality, and other unspeakable acts. The story concerns a gay father, Mike Brady, played by Robert Reed, and his beard-marriage to a nymphomaniac divorcee, Carol played by Florence Henderson. They had a housekeeper named Alice, played by lesbian icon Ann B. Davis.

The blended family consisted of Mike’s three boys:

...Greg you naughty, naughty boy (Barry Williams)
...Peter (Christopher White)
...Bobby (Mike Lookinlookinlookinlookinland)

And Carol‘s three girls.

...Hot Marcia (Maureen McCormick)
...Not so hot, but okay Jan (Eve Plumb)
...Way too young to worry about at the time Cindy (Susan Olsen)

And a boy kept in their basement dungeon as a sex slave

...Oliver (Robbie Rist)

It frequently crossed over with Smallville.

[edit] Noteworthy plots

...Alice’s boyfriend is revealed to be a local serial killer named Sam the Butcher.
...Greg poses as punk rock legend Johnny Rotten
...Mike is diagnosed with AIDS
...Marcia deals with having huge breasts
...Carol’s ongoing feud with local widow Shirley Partridge comes to a head, and the two agree to face each other in a local mud-wrestling competition
...Jan runs away from home and finds herself working as a prostitute to survive, with a pimp (played by Bo Hopkins) taking most of her earnings.
...a troubled girl, played by Geri Reischl, runs away from a cult known as the Brotherhood of Satan and attempts to replace Jan.
...Cindy’s modeling work as the Coppertone Girl gains her the attention of a pedophiliac stalker. For a time, local chief of police Arndt ardently pursues the theory that the stalker is, in fact, Mike. But at the end, it's revealed to be Santa Claus.
...the quasi-incestuous attraction between Greg and Marcia comes to a head, and the two agree to face each other in a local mud-wrestling competition.
...Gandhi and Hitler return from the dead and fight each other to the re-death.
...Fonzie (Henry Winkler) attempts to jump over a shark while waterskiing. Carnage ensues.
...Marcia’s best friend, Noreen, reveals her lesbian attraction to the girl
...Marcia offends four teenage witches, led by Fairuza Balk
...The Bradys attempt to check out of the Hotel California, only to find out that they can never leave
...Marcia gets raped by Doug Simpson and gets pregnant. Greg performs a coat-hanger abortion for her in their shared bathroom. Hilarity ensues.
...Jan says 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia' in front of a mirror and Marcia jumps out and kills her
...The evil member of the Bradys, Wayne Brady, is released from purgatory (after being placed there by Mike for 30,000 years), and comes back to wreak his revenge on the family. However, Marcia uses her sado-masochistic powers to return him whence he came.
...Tom Brady is born to Cindy by way of her torrid affair with Greg, and left on the doorstep of the local Lacrosse team by a demon-possessed Jan. Tom goes on to score 389 million touchdowns, however Jan travels back in time and kills Greg to solve everything.
...Mike Brady is replaced by little Kim Jong Il in a hilarious mix up. The Brady family is temporarily placed on the axis of evil.
...Jan saves the family from a serial killer and Peter is so grateful he offers to be her sex slave. Jan gets carried away, and the two are grounded when Alice discovers whip scars on Peter's arms and Jello stains on the carpet.
...Bobby gets addicted to 4chan memes and must undergo shock therapy.
...In the year 30,556, Paris Hilton steals Carol's rank as "No.1 Bitch in the World". Carol stalked Paris on a deserted street at night and threw her up into the sky, into space. Paris is currently believed to have been sucked into a black hole.

[edit] Beginning of the end

In the 1974 season, the family acquired a live-in "cousin," Oliver, who was kept in the basement as a sex slave. Oliver was an ancient energy “key” who had been transformed by monks in order to protect it from the mad goddess, Glory. Initially, Cousin Oliver materialized in the form of a furry humanoid. He was given a more human appearance with the introduction into his system of DNA from John Denver.

While the original network airings don't show the footage, the "Definitive DVD" edition shows Mike Brady having his way with him.

The boy felt out of place in the Brady family and ran away. In a surprise twist, Oliver turned up picking pockets on the streets of London. Despite the widespread popularity of the Oliver plotline, the network cancelled the show later that year.

To further complicate matters, Mike Brady was spending more and more time with Yoko, insisting she be on the set at all times, and working her into the plots. This led to the haunting Brady Kids song "Imagine":

Imagine there's no Bradys

We wonder if you can

No need for Jan or Marcia

Not even butcher Sam

[edit] Sequels and Spin-offs

...The Brady Kids: A manga-style cartoon involving the Brady Kids and lascivious tentacles.
...The Brady Bunch Hour: a short-lived variety show taken off the air when the Supreme Court ruled it cruel and unusual punishment.
...The Brady Brides: Marcia and Jan move to Stepford, where their husbands try to turn them into robotic slaves.
...The Late Show with David Letterman: Well it's such a big family... why not?!
...A Very Brady Christmas: The Bradys rally around their uncle, James, when he is shot by a man trying to assassinate the president. Despite the title, the tv movie actually shows the family celebrating Purim.
...A Very Brady Hanaukah: The Bradys convert to Judaism and sacrifice cousin Oliver in order to use his blood to make matzohs. Then they find out that Jews don't really do this sort of thing and besides, matzohs are eaten at Passover.
...The Bradys: an attempt to reinvent the series as a whimsical superhero adventure show set in Schenectady, New York.
...Brady Bunch: The Motion Picture: A huge-budget cinematic production featuring all of the regulars (except for the original Jan, who was re-cast as a cyborg drone), bloated with state-of-the-art special effects at the cost of any realistic attempt at characterization. Adapted from an original short story ("The Colossal Godlike Zit-Thingy on Greg's Face") by Brady creator Sherwood Schwartz.
...So You Just Got AIDS: Welcome to the Club! A Discovery channel show hosted by Robert Reed in which he sits in his red robe while periodically catching his tears in a tissue. Robert talks about living with AIDS, including dividing chores, dividing rent, and how to tell AIDS that it needs to clean up after itself. Frequent Guest Appearances by: Howard Stern and Dick Cheney
...Brady Bunch 2: Wayne in da' house: Wayne Brady returns for his revenge on the family, notably Marcia. However, Marcia is ready for war, with her army of 15,000 undead Joan of Arcs, and the ultimate battle takes place. In the end, Wayne Brady chokes a bitch. Specifically, Marcia.

[edit] Trivia

The Bradys are the official moderators of the Zonatuning internet forum.

[edit] Where Are They Now?

When they're not acting in sequels or attending fan conventions, the Brady Bunch actors have varied lives of their own.

Mike is still in show business, tap dancing away on any show that'll have him, and getting thinner and thinner. He enjoys guesting on game shows, and is looking forward to some more cigarette advertising, since the money from the last lot has run out.
Carol was mistaken for her own exhibit in Madame Tussaud's in 1993 and has been unable to leave the building.
Greg converted to Shinto Buddhism and achieved enlightenment, only to be eaten by a yak the following day.
Marcia has released three electric folk albums under the name Maddy Prior, and has an injunction preventing Greg from buying them, downloading them, or listening to them at a friend's house. She also starred in the sequel to Buttsluts Go Nutts, replacing Brooke Shields.
Peter is married with three children (Andrew, 11, Sandra, 7, and Jamie, 2), enjoys water-skiing, is a local councillor in East Hartford, Connectthedots, and still thinks he is Peter Brady.
Jan is still trapped in the Phantom Zone.
Bobby enlisted in the paratroopers in 1975, concealing his true age, and was in the last shipment of soldiers to Vietnam. Abandoned to fend for his own within three days of arriving, he survived in the jungle for four years before surrendering. After two more years in a re-education camp, he became a fitter and turner in a combine harvester factory in Haiphong. Elected local union representative by the comrades on his floor, he rose through the ranks of the Party and is now Deputy Minister for Industrialization. He served as Vietnam's ambassador to Cuba in 1998-2000.
Cindy tragically died at the age of 17 on safari in Tanzania, when a bull elephant she was stalking ran amok and crushed her Land Rover, flinging the wreckage into the bottomless blue lake of Ngorongoro Crater.
Alice joined a religious order that sought communion with birds, and lived to the age of 102, when was butchered by her real-life husband, Sam the Eagle.
Oliver leads a rich and fulfilling life as a buttplug.
Wayne went on to have a successful career as a Necromancer, but was killed instantly in 2006 by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Tom is now a star center for the Jim's Soup Kitchen Tornadoes, of the Western Rhode Island League of Women's Rollerball.
Conor the little known star of the brady bunch is now a successful ribbon salesman in Lucan, a small town in Ireland.