The Brothers Karamazov
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“One of the most profound and staggering accomplishments in the history of world literature.”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Goodnight Moon
“Is Fyador Pavlovich Karamazov based on me?”
The Brothers Karamazov (Russian: ThЭ BяФthЗяs KДяДmДzФv) is generally considered one of the world's greatest pieces of musical theater that individuals for time immemorial pretend to understand but really don't understand at all. Written in 1880 by Russian author and noted epileptic Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov has been acclaimed all over the world by authors as diverse as Oscar Wilde, Jesus, and some Russians as the prototype for much of 20th-century literature, most notably Danielle Steele. The book is written on two levels: on the surface it is the story of a family of Russians, but on a deeper level, it is the story of a family of Soviets. The novel was composed mostly in Starbucks, which is also the main setting of the book. Dostoevsky spent nearly two days writing The Brothers Karamazov, which was published as a serial. The author died less than four hours after clicking "Submit", the tragic victim of brain fever, stemming from his heart-rending indecision over God's existence. Shortly thereafter Ironically, his sons all claimed some credit for the freak occurrence.
During the period in which he wrote the book, Dostoevsky was sleep-deprived and insane, following the traditions of his normal writing habits. Because Dostoevsky did not bother to filter much of his ideas, the book is 47,013.5 pages of wordiness, mindless distractions and bullshit, with two pages of actual substance hidden somewhere in there. Dostoevsky, however, would later release a special edition, which although only selling thirteen copies is believed to be largely responsible for the deforestation of the Amazon.
Modern scholars believe that some of the chapters of the book were actually the result of Dostoevsky having seizures while holding a pen, although most people cannot tell the difference either way. Other chapters were written as Dostoevsky slept. A third of the book is obscure references to things of which no modern person has any conceivable knowledge, another third is quotes plagiarized from Russian literature, and the rest is written in French. However the book was transcribed, most scholars agree that virtually all of the material found its origins in Dostoevsky's ass.
Most people read the book solely to prove that they can suffer great anguish and not commit suicide, while others may read it because they have masochistic fantasies or, God forbid, they actually enjoy Dostoevsky. However, most of those who attempt to reading the book either bore themselves to death or die of old age before finishing.
William Shatner starred in the film version, which featured things Dostoevsky had cut from the original book, such as Klingons and a trip to Mars on the Enterprise.
[edit] Characters
[edit] Alyosha Karamazov
Rick "Alyosha" Karamazov is the youngest of the brothers and the best at ping pong. He is a novice aspiring to one day turn pro, but his status as a Level 5 monk conflicts with his ambitions, as well as his desire to not die a virgin. He is generally a pretty nice guy except when you talk about sex, bite his finger, or die and start to smell. He left the brothers in 1998.
[edit] Dmitri Karamazov
Dmitri Karamazov has been haunted since his early childhood by the lack of vowels in his first name. He is reckless, sensual, passionate, and enjoys romantic comedies and long walks on the marketplace. He and his father fall in love with the same hooker, but she won't give them a family discount. Too lazy to take his business elsewhere, he spends 3,000 roubles (USD $0.16) on her anyway. He is accused of killing his father, Fyodor Pavlovich, in the heat of passion and running off with his VG++ copy of Amazing Fantasy #15.
[edit] Ivan Karamazov
Brilliant and aloof, Ivan Karamazov doesn't really do much except talk to God, Jesus, Satan, and L. Ron Hubbard, though he claims not to believe in any of them, except when he's really plastered. He is best remembered for his quote on the futility of imposing moral judgments on humanity: "If Dostoevsky does not exist, then all is permitted." Also, he goes Bat Fuck Insane.
[edit] Smerdyakov
The putative and odorous illegitimate half-brother of Dmitri, Ivan, and Alyosha, the ever-enigmatic Smerdyakov pops in from time to time mostly as comic relief. He only has three lines in the whole book: "California", "Jennifer", and "Corey, I don't want to quit". Nonetheless, dark and disturbing secrets lurk beneath his happy-go-lucky exterior: his favorite band has always been Supertramp, for that word describes his mother. Also, he killed Fyodor Karamazov and, for no apparent reason other than to provide a convenient plot twist, also kills himself and Dumbledore. (retroactive spoiler alert)
[edit] Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov
The lecherous, buffoonish, and asthmatic but still quite dickish patriarch of Karamazovs, Fyodor Pavlovich is father to Dmitri, Ivan, Alyosha, Smerdyakov, and Tito, and, as recent DNA tests also suggest, David Hasselhoff. He's an incorrigible old gallivanted prick who blows his kids' inheritance on hookers who won't even sleep with him. But his dissolute lifestyle proves to be his undoing, culminating in the most shocking plot twist of the novel: after his kids kill him, people are actually surprised.
[edit] Phoebe Caulfield
Alyosha's beloved little sister. She's a great dancer, boy. He taught her how to dance and all when she was a tiny little kid. She's a very good dancer. I mean he just taught her a few things. She learned it mostly by herself. You can't teach somebody how to really dance. She can follow anything you do. I mean if you hold her in close as hell so that it doesn't matter that your legs are so much longer. She stays right with you. You can cross over, or do some corny dips, or even jitterbug a little, and she stays right with you. You can even tango, for God's sake. Dies of consumption (of cyanide), but inspires love and compassion in all who knew her. Except the people who didn't care for her too much.
[edit] Captain "Wisp of Tow"
A captain who, for some reason, gets really pissed off when you call him "wisp of tow". I have no idea what it means, but just go up to him and say "wisp of tow" and he'll go bonkers. For some reason, he enjoys strange men pulling his beard and humiliating him, but goes nuts over "wisp of tow". Go figure.
[edit] Ilyusha
An annoying little devil whose hobbies include throwing rocks, biting people's fingers off, and feeding dogs sharp objects. He dies, a real surprise because Dostoevsky himself spoils it in the chapter names.
[edit] Elder Zosimov
A holier-than-thou jackoff who thinks he knows better than everyone else because he talks to Jesus. Alyosha is the only person who even remotely likes him. Thankfully, Zosimov dies early on. There is much rejoicing.
[edit] Synopsis
[edit] Book One: A Karamazov Orange
There was me--that is Alyosha--and my three droogs, that is Pete, Ivan, and Dim. And we sat in the marketplace tavern, trying to make up our rassoodocks whether or not God exists.
[edit] Book Two: Pretty Womananov
Dmitri and Schamarazov vie for the affections of the same harlot. Meanwhile, a monk goes around blessing peasants and bitchy teenage nobles. Ted Danson guest stars.
[edit] Book Three: Water Landanov
This world is all wet! Only a great swimmer will be able to get through. Do your best to find a Frog Suit--it will help you immensely.
[edit] Book Four: A New Hopeanov
The personalities of the youthful, optimistic Alyosha and the jaded, brooding Ivan clash as this unlikely pair of heroes find themselves on a mission to save Princess Leia Ivanova from the clutches of the Ottoman Empire.
[edit] Book Five: Pro and Amateuranov
Ivan and Alyosha argue about the existence of God. Well, Ivan does most of the talking. Alyosha sits back and watches as Ivan recites his famed parable of The Gland Inquistor, in which Disco Jesus comes back from the dead only to end up in a small town where the music is banned at the behest of puritanical local pastor, who vehemently insists the music will only encourage the unbridled hormonal debauchery among the youth of the town. Shelley Long guest stars.
[edit] Book Six: Dammit, Jim, I'm a Doctoranov, not a Russian Monkanov!
A tangential character recounts his life story in 100 action-packed pages of meditation and prayer.
[edit] Book Seven: Changanov? I Thought You Were Dead!
Li Chu of the Temple of the Dragon Lotus Tiger Fist & Thomas LLC returns to his ancestral village, only to find his home in ruins, his family offended, and his autographed picture of Bob Newhart stolen. The culprit? Chang, of the Chang clan, whose ancestors swore an unsatiable vendetta of infinite vengeance against the Chu clan for having offended their family. Li vows to hunt Chang down and offend him.
[edit] Book Eight: A Very Special Bookanov
Alyosha's older brother Dmitri is a White Army dropout and spends most of his time in their basement, playing Warcraft and watching old Teen Titans reruns. As Dmitri grows more and more distant from life and love, Alyosha starts to fear his brother is contemplating suicide. The gentle boy appeals to the Heavens for help with his big brother, and God hears his prayer and sends down a lovably bumbling angel to show Dmitri what life would be like had he never been born. John Ratzenberger guest stars.
[edit] Book Nine: In Imperial Russia, Lawyers Make Fun of YOU!!
Dmitri is accused of killing Schmaramazov. A consumptive-looking policeman and a consumptive-looking prosecutor detain Dmitri and question him, citing as particularly damning the preponderance of evidence against Dmitri and his stubborn refusal to look consumptive.
[edit] Book Ten: If You're Still Reading This, That Makes One of Us. --F. Dostoevsky
Alyosha and Ivan are sent on a mission to the Konoka Islands to retrieve a special antidote for the daughter of the town's Grand Elders, suffering from a rare and potentially fatal form of the Konoka virus. Note that this book is not considered canon by fans, since it only appeared in the anime and not the original manga.
[edit] Book Eleven: Rockanov IV
Cold, morose Ivan fights spiritual doubt, moral uncertainty, and Rocky Balboa.
[edit] Book Twelve: You Can't Handle the Truthanov!
Despite their articulate, fervent pleas on his behalf, Dmitri's defense attorneys are unable to overcome their client's disconcerting lack of both brain fever and consumption. Peasants throughout Mother Russia applaud the verdict, then go back to peddling geese and flagellating their children. Dmitri is sentenced to 20 years of hard labor in Siberia. Michael Dukakis commutes this to a year of soft labor with alternate weekends off.
[edit] I Can't Believe I Wrote a F*cking Epilogue, Too
With his father dead, his brother condemned, his other brother crazy, and his other other brother dead, Alyosha reflects on life, God, and justice. Two 750 mL bottles of Moskovskaya vodka later, he is stripped to his boxers, singing a medley of Motown hits in falsetto. The novel ends in canonical Russian fashion, with the clientele of the marketplace tavern arguing with Alyosha about God, killing him, going insane, and drinking to Mother Russia, thus fulfilling the requirements set forth by the Russian Imperial Council for every Russian novel ending in history.
