The Cabinet Apocalypse
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“"I could easily take a Cabinet in hand-to-hand combat!"”
~ Stephen Harper on Cabinets.
It is a beautiful, sunny day in your suburban neighbourhood. As you sip your morning cup of coffee and eat your morning piece of toast, you look out your window and observe your neighbours working in their gardens. As you scan your street, your eyes are drawn to a monstrosity on your front lawn. You scream shrilly as you stare in horror at the pile of used furniture sullying your reputation for the best-kept house. You storm outside and furiously move the waste onto your neighbour's driveway. You then return inside, moving the incident to the back of your mind, and depart for work.
When you return home you see the furniture has been moved. As you enter your house, a root smashes through your floor, grabbing you by the ankle, and dragging you beneath the boards and out to the tree in your backyard. You look up into the setting sun, battered and bloody, and you see the silhouette of a cabinet approaching you on it's own. Horrified, you try to escape, but the tree root still holds you tightly. You scream as you are devoured by what you thought was harmless yard waste.
DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU!!!
Contents |
[edit] The origin of the cabinet apocalypse
Early years: It is widely believed that the Cabinet Apocalypse started when the canadian prime minister at the time , Sir John A. MacDonald decided that the potato starved Irish famine victims arriving in the 1860's were from another planet and therefore had no right to exist, so he stopped their journey at Gross Ile Quebec (pronounced; gross eel, or wuh eye me). The thousands of jolly Irishmen trapped there promptly starved to death, leaving little trace of their existence besides the potato blight itself. Now, with no potatoes left to infect, the blight soon adapted to infect trees. Now, what would the potato blight do with a tree? For starters, the tree might eat people.
[edit] Fast for wards a few hundred years
The developement & crisis: We have an unnamed funiture company (hint: might, just might be Ikea). With softwood lumber prices rising, companies are looking for the newest cheap wood source and what better than a half deserted island in Quebec? Seems brilliant. Now, if you process a evil man-eating tree into... let's say, a cabinet, something's bound to happen. In this case, the blight's desire for flesh didn't decrease whatsoever. The only difference is that this time, they're not just flesh hungry, they're sentinent, and they're spreading around the world.
The cycle: After spreading from people to trees, and then from trees to cabinets, it is common for the blight, if a cabinet is damaged or rotting, to transfer the disease to a tree once more, restarting the cycle of evil.
The spread After largely being contained on Ile de Gross the man-eating blight was released in the form of funirture and quickly spread due to that fact that the blight, when in the tree also increased the rate and which it grows, making blight infected trees favourites for furniture companies and cannibals.
[edit] What to do if you are bitten by an evil cabinet
DO NOT PANIC! Also, do not not panic. There are several effective ways of treating a cabinet bite, though if not used immediately, you will rot slowly and become a pile of sawdust.
[edit] Fire
If you burn your bite immediately until all traces of the cabinet are incinerated (along with half of your arm), you will prevent the spread of the blight.
[edit] Antibiotics
If you are in possession of antibiotics, you should take as many as you can without passing out (which would leave you vulernable to further ambush), wait and hope. If administered within two hours, they should be effective.
[edit] Amputation
If you have failed with the previous instructions, you will be forced to resort to amputation. This requires the removal of your arm.
[edit] If all else fails
If, once again you have failed to act in time and the blight has spread to the rest of your body, you should kill yourself. Please see HowTo:Cut Your Own Head Off With a Chainsaw
[edit] How to kill a Cabinet
You may be thinking: "I could take a cabinet in hand-to-hand combat easily." If that is the case, you are most likely incorrect, and will most likely be eaten. As it stands, there are few fast ways to kill a cabinet, these being:
[edit] Burning
Burning is an effective method of killing an evil cabinet. If of course, you can hold it off for as long as it takes to burn, whilst avoiding your own destruction. An important thing to remember is this: If the cabinet is made of particle board and coated with some kind of flame retardant, it will burn very, very slowly. If this is the case, you should probably trap it. Which could be very difficult. I suggest you impale it with something and hold it at arms length whilst pouring lighter fluid on it.
[edit] Full destruction followed by Burning
Say perhaps you are in possession of, and capable of correctly wielding, a battle axe. If you were to hack the cabinet into pieces without getting a splinter (infection), getting eaten by another cabinet while you are distracted (ambush) or hurting yourself (being a general fuck-up) you would probably stop the cabinet from going anywhere. In fact, you could say you are a major succes. But wait, what about the infected pieces of wood and/or particle board? This is where the burning must come in. As you have correctly destroyed the cabinet, it will not be able to attack you while you wait for it to burn, therefore, burn it. Before any more show up. You don't want flaming cabinets after you.
[edit] deconstruction
The final killing method is for those with far too much spare time, or who mearly enjoy evil cabinet fighting as a hobby. It involves deconstructing the notoriously complicated IKEA furniture, While it is still trying to eat you. Have fun with that.
