The Chuckle Brothers
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“To me, to you”
~ Oscar Wilde on The "Chuckle" Brothers
“PLEASE NO, NOT THE GRAND PIANO! THAT'S MY SON IN THERE!”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Chuckle Brothers
“They are like totally the same person!!”
~ Idiot on Twins
Paul and Benedict Chuckle, better known as The Chuckle Brothers, are the world's most successful deranged brother comedy double act ever to have graced God's green earth. Their famous trademark catch phrase "to me, to you" was coined during the Brother's violent spit roasting of their sweet old Grandfather Chuckle. The original phrase was "to me" "to you... UGH, CHRIST! I HAVE A PAIR OF FALSE TEETH HANGING FROM MY BALLS!". However, this was seen as a rather cumbersome mouthfull to ever have caught on in the playground and the phrase was duly pared down into the line known and loved today. Claiming it to be a political stance, the Brothers decline to wear typical pedestrian garb, instead wearing outrageously cutting edge haute couture such as pink farahs and yellow diamond pattern jumpers made exclusively from a rare Argiope argentata form of spider silk (it is said that one pair of Barry's Y-Fronts is made from over 500,000 spiders alone at a cost of £3000 a pair, despite this, Barry frequently flaunts such extravagance by skidding himself on purpose during interviews just to demonstrate how elite and wealthy he is).
[edit] Guest Stars
Some of the more notable guests on the programme Chucklevision include:
- Rupert the Bear
- Professor Steven 'Awkins
- David Duchovny
- Big Bird
- Jack Ewins
- Ringo Starr
- John Leslie
- Ann Widdecombe
- Adolf Hitler
- Uranus
- Tilly
- Barry Scott
- Barry White
- Nobby Stiles
- Bob Carolgees
- Matthew Norris
- Chuck Norris
- Bobby Davro
- Adolf Hitler
- Joseph "No Nose" Stalin
- Ken D'odd
- Ken Dodd
- King Benson IV
- Ken D'odd's estranged penis, Arthur
- Ian Paisley Junior Senior
The guest appearance of Stephen Hawking brought with it much controversy when The Chuckle Brothers were accused of exploitation allegedly taunting and humiliating the wheelchair bound Nobel prize winning physics Professor by populating the studio with aerobic dancers and nubile fitness experts performing lengthy demonstrations of their physical prowess. At one point Barry aggressively forced GMTV's resident fitness expert 'Mad' Lizzie Webb to sit and gyrate provocatively on Hawking's lap in order to see if he would become aroused. During this episode the Brothers also claimed that they would donate £5,000,000 to the NSPCC if Hawking could beat Linford Christie in a straight up 100m sprint. This wager was later revealed as a lie by the Brothers as it was found that the combined wealth of Paul and Barry amounted to a moldy apple and 12 pence in one penny pieces - one of them hopelessly stuck to a boiled sweet. It was deemed by The Economist that it would have been nigh on impossible for the Brothers to raise the £5,000,000 in the remaining 15 minutes of the show. Hawking lost and was angrily berated and spat at by the Brothers and the blood hungry audience being told to "get out of our fucking sights" and to chants of "davros! davros! you will be exterminated!". When Hawking's 3 miles per hour motorized wheelchair couldn't carry him from the studio quickly enough for the infuriated Paul, the Professor was forcibly wheeled out the front of the BBC TV center and straight into a busy main road where he was crushed by an articulated lorry. At one point it is said they purposely devised to have Barry Scott arrested by forcing him at gunpoint to pour Cillit Bang over a screaming No Slacking's! head and genitals. Slacking suffered severe chemical burns because of the powerful toxic cleansing fluid which subsequently disfigured Slacking for life and rendered him unable to ever sire children. Hitler's appearance on the show proved to be a major event in Paul and Barry's lives as it was revealed in a DNA test, performed by Jeremy Kyle, to be both Barry's illegitimate sister and Paul's long lost daughter, a conundrum that the Brothers still cannot comprehend rationally without resulting in violent fits.
Ken D'odd's estranged penis 'Arthur' evoked massive controversy when, after D'odd had publicly accused the Brother's of stealing Arty, programme makers proclaimed to have no knowledge of the rogue penis' whereabouts (Paul believed D'odd to have Arthur in his possession already and fabricated reports of his theft in order to seek global attention to promote his new Porn venture 'Fiddle Sticks'). After a failed attempt to clear the air and resolve the dispute, D'odd finally ended up chasing and threatening to kill the Chuckles with a previously concealed fire axe unless Arthur was returned to him. At this point D'odd broke down in tears and began singing his 1964 classic "Happiness" and smearing the walls of Chuckle studios with ample amounts of fecal matter using a once pink 'tickling stick' that had been poking out of his rectum.
[edit] The Music Career?
In the early 1960's Paul and Barry Chuckle launched their music career with the release of the underground classic album Still warm but barely breathing. Numerous mainstream critics slated this album, saying that the world in the 1960's was simply not ready for 'this horrific music genre' yet the album won appraise from sadist magazines and scat publications. The lads simple mixes of melodic piano smashing and rhythmic drum patterns could find no place in the charts and the album simply crashed in at number 583. The only copies of the albums to actually have been purchased were done so either by the Chuckle Brothers themselves, members of parliament or local sanitariums using it to drum up more business. After Paul and Barry's arrests in 1964 their record label was forced to drop them and they dissolved only for them to make their come back as wholesome children's entertainers. For almost 90 years the sounds of "that horrific shit" had been silenced until in 2006 rumours circulated that in a small town called 'Beccles' in Suffolk in the darkest reaches of the British Empire the Chuckle Brothers had set up a small recording studio and started to "write music again". As the British government had legally sanctioned the Brothers to never make another album under the name The Chuckle Brothers, the wily duo, in a move that simply could not have been predicted, changed their name. Under the new alias of 'RAWR Stinkhole' they began once again to spread their filth.
The album has since gained a cult following, and the Brothers have since been name-checked as an influence on The Velvet Underground, GG Allin, The White Stripes and Barry Manilow.
[edit] Life Before Chucklevision
The name "Chucklevision" is in fact an anglicised version of the name of the French Hollywood (or 'Ollywood as it is known in France) mogul Jacques L. Visione. Jacques, Originally intending his brainchild to be for an American audience, modestly used his own name as the inspiration (though changing Jacques into the more American sounding Chuck). It was merely coincidence that the title therefore included the word "chuckle", as in the words of Visione "it was not intended to be funny", something which TV executives in America agreed, rejecting the concept flat-out and forcing Visione to take it to Britain. Here, Visione succeeding in getting it accepted by Andi Peters, who Visione fortuitously caught in the middle of one of his now notorious three-day coked-up benders with Ed the Duck, who was said to have found the concept "slammin'". and done a poo by leo laxative and RYAN RABIEZ
Unfortunately, by the time it reached production, Visione's vision was somewhat diluted from the original concept of "an absurdist critique of post-capitalist existence inspired by the ancient Greek myth of Sisyphus contemporised into a number of mood pieces with strong leanings towards Beckett and other post-Dadaist thinkers" as Visione puts so succinctly. However, instead of the intriguing partnership of Samuel L. Jackson and Brian Blessed as intended by Visione, the embarrassing two-some of Barry and Paul Chuckle were forced on Visione by BBC executives, their fortuitously apt second names being of little consolation to him, particularly having seen their audition tapes in which Paul and Barry mis-pronounced the word "the" several times. As the show slowly changed into the children's "comedy" show that it is known as today, Visione slid into a deep depression, and ended up committing suicide, running into a plate of glass being carried across the road by two builders, an incident later copied by the Chuckle brothers themselves on one of their shows. With Visione's death, the Chuckle brothers carried on for two seasons, before Paul had a mental breakdown following years of "no slacking" on set, and Barry, focused increasingly on his Death-Jazz music career, decided to finally call it quits.
[edit] Life after Chucklevision
Paul and Barry went on to star in films such as Chucklevision:The Red Light District and appeared on the reality TV show I'm a Celebrity Save My Career! Paul and Barry however continued relations with Chucklevision after writing the hit TV failure spin off to Chucklevision called And Remember No Slacking! which starred that perve who always used to employ the Chuckles. Storylines were so bad that it was cancelled after just 30 seconds of the show. Storys included No Slacking having to peel potatoes at a cafe, painting walls, and cutting grass. Producers said The storylines were so shit that we actually shat on them and lit them ablaze. We enjoyed ourselves immensely! After their success in children's television The Chuckle Brothers moved into the UK's Junglist scene with the release of Blood Chuckle Clart, they still perform in working mens clubs and small S&M venues to this day.
[edit] Achievements and mishaps
In 2001 Paul and Barry took every category available winning all the Oscars thanks to their movie Chucklevision:The Red Light District. Having not been nominated for best actor, Barry took the award for best actress after he repeatedly claimed to have no manhood. They then set their sights on the CBBC Awards in which they were confident they would sweep every trophy on offer as they were nominated in all categories. However, that night they only took one measly award home with them claiming the award for “Wasting the BBC's time!”. Taking an affront to this, they then proceeded to get up on stage and the two brothers began swearing violently at the audience and pointing accusingly at members of the audience. A quote from Barry on the stage was saying that CBBC stood for Cunts, Big Bastards and Cunts!. All the while, the events happening were being broadcast to millions of children around the UK. It became even more embarrassing when Paul fell on to the podium, which then fell off the stage and into the audience with him still on it. At this point Paul was heard to scream a short "FUCK!" Barry then began to undo his trousers, attempting to urinate into the crowd but were dragged from the stage by presenting hosts Kate Thornton and Michael Barrymore in a torrent of swear words. Paul said Gerroff me ye perve! and Barry made one final statement saying Fuck's ye all! They were eventually dragged of to the theme tune of Chucklevision. Later a representative of the two brothers explained that they were merely 'unwell'.
[edit] The Dark Years
After newspapers kept slagging them off about how crap Chucklevision was, Paul and Barry became depressed with Barry becoming a heroin addict and Paul developing his own addiction to laxatives. Barry was arrested for shroom dealing and was put into rehab and has recently come out clean. Paul was put into a mental home after his addiction made him a mental case, and was seen defecating out a high storey flat building. He was recently released from the mental home, under the false pretense of merely carrying out a character study. He continued his fecal related crime spree. wherever they were filming there would be reports of shit smeared on cars and feces being flung at members of the public. Barry then commented on how often Paul retreated to the toilet with whole bottles of ExLax. "This addiction has to stop" Barry said to CBBC journalists "its costing us £300 a day and to be honest I'm fed up with the whole fucking thing."
[edit] Supermarket Sweep Shock
In October 2007 the Chuckle brothers appeared on the celebrity version of Dale Winton's Supermarket Sweep looking to raise money for their prize charity Free Perverts UK. Looking to raise in excess of £2000 Paul duly accepted to be the first contestant to do the world famous supermarket dash. However Paul was left red faced as by time the klaxon sounded to signal the end of his dash, his trolly was completely empty (except from the free video of the Chucklevision special Yorkshire Rippers he had found in the 100% free trolly). Paul repeatedly screamed during his turn 'What the hell am I supposed to do?!' on live TV as well. By the end of the debacle Dale Winton turned and said 'you said you knew the rules at the beginning darling'. However this was too much for Paul and he immediately cracked. Paul shouted 'DON'T CALL ME DARLING YOU GAY BASTARD' and suddenly went about kicking TV's favourite ponce. Blood spurted the camera and the live transmission was cut. Horrified viewers demanded an explanation and when they got it they were told that Winton had died from 'complications to his injuries'. Paul is currently awaiting trial for charges related to murder.
[edit] The Chucklemobile and the Martin Brundle Le Mans Incident
They drive around in a golf cart, the Chucklemobile. It is deadly silent but for a slight whine, so by the time you hear it behind you, it's already too late. It was famously reviewed by Richard Hammond on BBC motoring programme Top Gear in 2003 with predictably dire circumstances. Thankfully, Hammond made a full recovery and is now driving milk floats round the Top Gear track. They famously entered the chucklemobile in the Le Mans 24 Hours but with tragic circumstances.
[edit] The Truth behind the tragedy
Rumours from the mountains tell myths of Paul & Barry chuckle living a quiet and peaceful life years after they were condemed dead. Goverment officals looked into the rumours to try and seek out the Brothers for their immediate arrest. But discovered more than they expected. All the myths were true. Paul & Barry chuckle had staged they're own death at the Le Mans 24 Hours by swapping themselves with renowned Nintendo celebrities Mario & luigi during a pitstop half way around their first lap, to replace the tires and partake in some mechanic tomfoolery. Mario & luigi were kidnapped from their karts which were also heading into the pitstop after 29 laps. Paul & Barry comically took them into a near by janitors closet where they swapped clothes and told the Bothers they had to finish the race for them and would be paid off with a hefty fee. Little to the Mario Brothers' knowledge the Chuckle Brothers had told their family friend Martin Brundle to kill them in the race so they could make an escape to the mountains to live alone with each other, be at peace and also leave their shattered reputation behind. So as Martin Brundle killed the Mario Brothers, the Chuckle Brothers nipped out the back door of the race track, comically stumbling on a banana which made them fall into a taxi and they hit the road. Paul & Barry Chuckle found a home in the Tibet mountains in a small log cabin near a local rundown shanty town, five minutes down the road from Cathal Ó Searcaigh.
[edit] ChuckleVision: The Animated Series
Paul and Barry decided to reinvent the ChuckleVision brand in new animated form. The BBC immediately commissioned the series because " the live action show really showed how pug ugly the brothers were".
Unfortunately, the series didn't reach the end of its tenure, as it was cancelled after poor viewing figures plummeted due to continual swearing. Also, BBC decided it was the best decision as viewers in Sweden accused the show of 'encouraging gay hatred'.
At this moment in time, there are no plans for any broadcasters to recommision the doomed series.
[edit] Political Stand
After unsuccesfuly campaigning in the general elections as candidates for their political party '2me 4you', Paul and Barry formed a coalition with Boris Johnson's Party 'Independent Right Wing Coconuts' and the Spice Girls' 'Girl Power' Party. The new 'Coconuts 4me Power Coalition Party' won 100% of the votes in the last general election, but the media has chosen to ignore this fact and pretend Tony Blair remained the winner. Fifteen minutes after coming into power, a coup was launched against the government, resulting a bloody civil war that claimed 3 million lives, but largely went unnoticed. They have not announced any plans to return since.
[edit] Trivia
- The Chuckle poo.
- The Brothers set up their own chain of brothels called The Chuckle Brothels!
- Not to be confused with PJ and Duncan (Ant and Dec).
- They belong to the Church Of Pish Drinkers
- The Chuckles were thrown out of the Tate Modern once for extreme continued farting.
- If you cut the Chuckle Brothers in half, two new ones will grow from each half.
- Chuckle-vision is also the name of an aggressive form of ocular cancer which affects the "Rotherham Lobe" of the brain.
- The only known way to kill a Chuckle Brother is to get one to throw a shoe at Chuck Norris and let him do the rest. But unfortunately they are good friends and Chuck Norris won't kill them, so we will be plagued by the Chuckle Brothers forever
- Paul, in fact, has three testicles
- Barry, in early 2007 earned several awards for cricket spitting. Unfortunately soon afterwards, in a drunken rampage, married said cricket. Furthermore, and to the point, the marriage took place in a central Suffolk branch of Tesco. A place where no cricket, nor children's entertainer should ever be married. The cricket died due to embarrassment.
- One of their favourite hobbies is to rip up flags in front of that particular country's embassy.
- In their spare time, they go to the local special needs school and show the kids that they too can get paid for doing fuck all and acting like twats.
- They were once on the classic gameshow "3-2-1" and there were 4 of them... how's that for a scary fucking thought?
- The Brothers recently featured on the reality TV series The Virgin Diaries. The reasoning behind was neither of them had had sex with anyone except each other.
- Paul and Barry are in fact parts of L.Ron Hubbard and when the brothers and hubba hubba finally meet he will rise again to overthrow governments and such with his stories of aliens and self-fulfillment
- They have only got 1 testicle between them
