The Church of Tyra
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“NO, I'M G-D!”
~ Tyra Banks on herself, as quoted from Oprah
“Excuse me bitch? You are not G-d! I am! Don't make me beat you into the wall with my butt!”
~ Oprah on behalf of herself twoards Tyra
“What did you call me? As if you were the one to talk, you fatass bitch! Not that there's anything wrong with being fat. You just can't accept my greatness and how I'm so much better than you!”
~ Tyra Banks on how Oprah's a bitch and that she, Tyra, is much better than her
“Better than me? Which one of us gets the higher ratings and can make any book into a hit seller? What now? Now who's better?!”
~ Oprah on how she's better than Tyra
“So you're an evil witch who tries to lure people away from the true G-d, me! Doesn't mean you're better than me!”
~ Tyra Banks on how Oprah isn't necessarily better than her
“Me a witch? You're the one who shoots laser beams and has the power to suck up every man in town up yourself!”
~ Oprah on how Tyra is a witch and a whore
“That is just my godly power! And it's not my fault every guy wants to do me! And I'm not sucking them in, IN THAT WAY!!!”
~ Tyra Banks on how she's G-d and how she likes to give blow jobs
“Hey, Tyra, wanna see my key to Am'rica, my very...large key?”
~ George Dubya Bush on what Tyra just said
Tyra Banks, copying Oprah, made her own talk show called The Tyra Banks Show. It all took off from there. It didn't take long for Tyra's show to evolve into expressing a new religion, The Church of Tyra.
Contents |
[edit] The Ten Commandments of Tyra
- 1. Tyra is the one rightful queen of all of the world with TVs.
- 2. Tyra is the one true god and messiah.
- 3. It is a sin to wear jeans that don't fit your booty.
- 4. All shall be fashionable or they will never be fierce.
- 5. You must respect her booty.
- 6. You must find Tyra sexy (man or woman).
- 7. You must love and fear the great Tyra.
- 8. You must not watch Oprah or Dr. Phil unless you beg for forgiveness and watch two hours of the Tyra Bank's Show.
- 9. You must ONLY watch the Tyra Banks show and you must watch it every time it's on or you will go to the plain of the un-fierce.
- 10. You shall not speak the great name of Tyra in vain.
[edit] Sects of The Church
- The Jeansless Big-Bootied Tyrants
- The Followers of the Unjeaner
- The Orthodox Couch Moms
- The Tyrabanks Witnesses
- The Las Angelasan Tyrannical Church
- Reform Tyrantism
- America's Next Top Model
[edit] History
[edit] The Beginning
Years after Oprah won her war against Catholicism, Tyra realized that Oprah, in fact, wasn't G-d after all. Tyra realized that SHE was G-d. So, she made her own show like Oprah's (knowing that's how to get a religion started) called the Tyra Banks Show. Soon she opened the Church of Tyra (followers of which are called Tyrants). When Oprah found out that again she was copied, Tyra wasn't only smashed by Oprah's but but Oprah also beat her in a wall with her giant boobs without any mercy. But after Tyra came at her with her dragon-like lazer beam, Oprah ran off. Every since, the Church of Tyra has been growing ever stronger.
[edit] The Future
It is said that Tyra is planning an invasion of the Oprah Show so that all may see that Tyra is the true G-d when she wins the televised battle. I put 20 bucks on Tyra, she can kill all of Oprah's many followers with her terrible laser beams/dragon breath.
[edit] Converting
In the Tyrannikha (the book of the Tyrant rules) it says that any person born of a Tyrant mother is a Tyrant as long as they grew up with the show and have not turned to another (such as Oprah). In Reform Tyrannism, people can also be considered Tyrants if their father is a Tyrant (but this is, of course, rare).
For those who currently are not Tyrants to convert you must do ten actions and then you are a Tyrant.
- 1. Burn all Oprah recommended books that you own if you should have any.
- 2. Become comfortable with your body
- 3. Fix up your body because the last one was just so she can look good
- 4. Throw out all of you jeans that don't fit your booty
- 5. Become fashionable and fierce
- 6. Become knowledgeable on every winner of America's Next Top Model
- 7. Ketch up on every episode of the Tyra Bank's Show
- 8. Pledge loyalty to Tyra
- 9. Shun all other talk show hosts
- 10. Continue to watch the Tyra Banks show and watch America's Next Top Model religiously
[edit] Tyrist Churches
There has been much debating over if the places of worshipping Tyra should be called churches, temples, or synagogues. Most people don't know the difference between a temple and a synagogue so extra stupid people see the Tyrist symbol, which is similar to the Star of David, and think it should be called a temple or synagogue.
All others note how it looks just like a church except there's usually a big image of her dressed in some fierce clothing while hanging from a large capital T and has pictures of her and her higher level followers painted onto the windows. There is also a average length cat walk at the front of the church.
These descriptions aren't true for all Tyrist churches. In fact, the home church doesn't have a single Tyrist symbol or image except the very Tyra herself, the set of the Tyra Bank's show. That set is, in fact, the first Tyrist church. On the outside of the building is where there are Tyrist symbols, however.
All Tyrist churches also have a large amount of buff gay bouncers ready to restrict the access into the church of anyone who isn't model material. "You gotta be fierce to get in," says Tyra's gay friend and follower, "people that aren't fabulous just don't belong here."
