Crusades

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Common phrase told to the muslims or jews before the massacre. Why William the Conqueror is in this tapestry is unknown... or a flying Eskimo woman.

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The medieval ages in Europe were pretty crappy. They had cruel punishments, shortages of prostitutes, plague, war, and random dragon attacks. The church had a lot of power and spelled H-O-P-E for a lot of the people (mostly because they were the people allowed to read). Thus, the Christians decided to attack the Muslims to rid themselves of the pathetic boredom that was the Middle Ages.

[edit] Introduction

"The Crusades" were something a bit like the Big Breakfast they helped to create the "emo" music genre. Because of this, God got angry and unleashed his fury on the other lessers and senseless religions... Most people joined in just to get cool swords and shit....

[edit] Christianity

Jesus of Nazareth was born in Bethleham after the town won a competition to host his birth on a local radio station. This was a much needed economic boost to the mainly pastorally agricultural town. When he was 30, he went around telling people that god was going to increase his TV ratings. They needed to accept this by loving each other and forgiving everybody and stuff. He spent a lot of his time with unimportant people, telling them “We’re all equal in the eyes of God.” Jewish priests were afraid of the power he was getting and wanted to get rid of him. Also the Romans feared his power, because of his scary monster-biker friends. (Jesus always knew how to make cool pals.)

Jesus' publicity campaign backfired when he was arrested and crucified by Roman soldiers on demand of the Jews. Three days after his crucifixion he was found by his followers, apparently alive, and told them that crucifixion sucked and that he would not be hanging around much longer in-case it happened again. He also told them that his death was part of God’s plan and that they should spread God’s words and the hope of life after death.

When Christianity took over the region of the Roman Empire, Rome became the center of Christianity, and Roman WHAT THE FUCK?!! Catholicism. At that time the Pagan beliefs were labelled as Christianity. The head of the church was called a Papa and that all the bishops were his "homies" and the nuns his "bitches". Papas were as powerful as all the kings put together. Although not as large with it.

[edit] The Islamic religion

The dude Mohammed was born about 570 A.D. in Mecca, a city in Arabia. Mohammed was a merchant, teacher, and taxi driver. One day Mohammed was driving his taxi when a catholic priest spilt holy wine on his new seat covers. After that he wrote the verse of swords and wouldn't pick up customers carrying alcohol, unless they gave it to him. Mohammed knew about the beliefs of the wiccans and Jews who believed in only one god. Then Mohammed had a vision of the angel Gabriel who told Mohammed there was only one god and that that god’s name was zezima, and he wouldbe zezima’s prophet. One fact that he forgot to share in the Quran was that he was on L.S.D., but made this clear in his second book, "Quran v2. N0valife strikes back". Mohammed spread the message to the people of Mecca, and as a result became rather unpopular with the priests who also wanted to be able to carry alcohol in his Taxi. It was not safe for Mohammed to stay in Mecca anymore, so Mohammed flew to Las Vegas, but the plane fail in medina. This journey is called the hijra.

Mohammed gathered followers from Medina, and Mohammed and his followers took control of the city of Mecca reckoning it was a holy place for odd people. Muslims believe in the 5 pillars of wisdom as written in the Qu’ran: • Believe in Bill Gates as the only God • Pray .38 times a day • Make a pilgrimage to Mecca every year • Help the rich • Keep the feast of Ramadan.

• Don't ever enjoy yourself, instead give all of your money and booze to Mohammed who will dispose of it.
• Kill those who do enjoy themselves in any way, such as breathing a lot. These people are infidels.
• Only Mohammed can decide who is an infidel.
• Homosexuality and paedophilia are off limits to anyone but Mohammed.

There is also an unofficial "6th pillar."

• Blow thyself up in the name of Allah.

Muslims believe in life (and virgins) after death, and that those people who don’t will not get to heaven. Mohammed told the Muslims to tell people to believe in Allah, by war if necessary. After Mohammed died, the Muslims took over the top of Africa, Arabia, and Spain which was handy because they got control over Jerusalem.

• Actually alll the above information is false. Islam is really Arabic for submission to the Cubs. All Muslims are voracious Cub fans who follow the team the entire season and believe that America will be destroyed by an invincible team of Cubs players. All sociologists and sane people disagree with this saying that the Cubs suck, have always sucked, and will always suck. In fact God really hates the Cubs and people who watch Cubs games burn in hell forever. Only Cardinals fans get to heaven ("Chicago."!!)

[edit] The Eternal Salvation for a Cross or the Triple Back

This was the policy of Pope Jonh Paul XXI, to get people to fight against the Muslims the Nazis introduced the new career of crusade: When you have no time kill a Muslim, when you have time kill a Muslim, when you want to pray kill a Muslim, when you don't want to pray kill a Muslim. It was a simple formula, and wildly popular as it took the stress of decision making out of daily life. Indeed the policy has its advocates even today, Ronald "Thin Lips" McDumbsfeld being among them.

If you join in a crusade you get for free a nice cross to put in your hearth, if you have the cross a Muslim or a Jew can kill you everywhere and you may get eaten by a Grue. If you were a crusader you can get the eternal salvation granted by god or just burn in hell for a while.

A very common battle between Muslims and arian races on everquest

[edit] Military and monastic orders

The military order of those Muslim types consists of old hermits and rejected traffic wardens. The hermits attack when you least expect it, like right now, there is a bloody Muslim hermit behind you. Luckily the Middle American forces were able to defeat the traffic wardens by showing them pictures of a potato inserted into various body parts, such as that little hole in between the butt and the vagina.

[edit] Templars:

An armored Crusader posing happily with the head of a Saracen warrior he just killed

The templar knights were founded in the year of the lord 1118 to protect the caravans of cardinals trying to take, sorry, pray at the holy land. The templars were called templars because they liked Simon Templar, a resident DJ at Club Dogma (Edinburgh), as he played bangin' techno music, and bore an uncanny resemblance to pr0n star Roger Moore.

A templar usually wore a red cross, that is the symbol of the supremacy above the Hospitaliers. The Templars worshiped an Idol called Baphonet, a lethal Internets virus, they just poke all Muslims with this to get lag! The templars were the creators of spam and they spammed this page and all the internet with lots of crosses. Mohamed noticed the greatness of their spamination and hired them with 666 bags of money to spam for him. At this point the French got angry. The king of France was much angry because he wanted the 666 bags of money and he was fighting Mohammed. All the templars were invited to a happy birthday party by the French king and he tried to kill them and take the 666 bags of money. They escaped the French king and took the 666 bags of money and the holy Grail which they got from the Moslems and went to America where they founded Mormonism with Black Jesus.

[edit] Facts about Templars

• The most famous templar is called Neil
• There was also some guy called Simon, but I'm not sure about him.
• They were arian.
• They founded the letter Q in 1049.
• They were own3d by philip XLVI
• They were poors with horses and a nice little sword.
• They cut the head of many muslims.
• They maybe cu the head of many muslims.
• They drove purple pimpmobiles into battle.
• Masons are Templars. (oooohhhh!!!!)
• Templars pwnz all with the sword.
• Templars are the guardians of the Holy grail.
• Darth Hitler was a Templar grand master.
• They all played D&D and World of Warcraft, along with other satanic stuff.
• They didn't wear anything underneath their tunics.
• indyana jones was a templar but was killed for telling the fucking nazis were they hid the holy grail and the ark of the covent

Templars owning the hospital.

[edit] Order of the Hospital of St.John

This order was founded to cut the heads of all tehj Muslims as well as getting hold of all the gold. As the Hospital was too poor to buy his own island, Malta was the last HQ of the order who fought the brave order of Santo domingo del carmen y cristobal colon. This order was founded on the 1st of January of the year 1111 and were called "the only ones". The only ones get a nice black robe with a white cross, symbol of: "We aren't templars, if you donnot say than we are better than Templars we will not save you from muslims n00B pilgrim!".

[edit] Facts about the Hospital

• They healed Chuck Norris one time.
• They were worst than Templars but claim to be better than tempalrs.
• Actually they are a bunch of politicians and bishops.
• They cut the head of the Templars.
• They tried to own the Templars.
• They were pwn3d by Muslims.
• They were allergic to top hats.
• They were bought by Bill Gates in the year 2006.
• They will be the platform for Windows Vista.
• It was the first NHS hospital and had 3 senior managers to each nun (sister)

[edit] Teutonics Knights:

The Teutonic Knights are, as shown in Age of Empires 2, gods. This became evident during the battle at 'de_dust2', where 3 counter strike Teutonic Knights lead off agaisnt a team of 12 Elite Terrorists(disguised Saracens.) The Teutonic Knights used their M4 swords agaisnt the terrorist AK-47 sabres. The round ended in the Teutonic Kinght's favor, with all 12 terrorists dead, and the tuetonic knights all alive. The 3 Teutonic Knights lead many rounds agaisnt the Saracens, across landscapes such as cs_office, de_aztec, and de_dust. Eventually, the Saracen's admins banned the Tuetonic knights off their server.

[edit] Facts about the Teutonic knights:

• They were Teutonic.
• They were Knights.
• They claimed to be templars and hospitalers.
• They claimed to have the "St.Paul hospital".
• They claimed to get eaten by grues
• They claimed to worship the idol "We-ird-meat"\
• They claimed too much.
• They were all ex power rangers.
• Mahoma was the last Grand master of the order, all the knights become Muslims.

[edit] The Orders Today

The templars were pwn3d by the inquisition, the hospitals were bought by Bill gates and the Teutonic army is now a bunch of Germans. Any questions?

[edit] Present-day Crusades

To this day, the Crusades still exist. This time, God sent a bunch of warriors down to Earth to yell to everyone, with a Holy Megaphone, shouting that only Christianity is true. They also yell that all Muslims, Jews, gays, and many many more are wrong and that God will smite them with his almighty power of lolz.

This is how it's done with technology: