The Cure
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The Cure are an awful band of troglodytes that have slain brave adventurers and took from them their rightful musical instruments. Armed only with mopey black mandolins and a synthesizer that can only play one note at a time, they have sworn a quest to drown all that is interesting and good in stupendous amounts of alcohol.
Their languid, repetitive music hypnotised an unfortunate portion of the population, especially those who wear black in the middle of summer, and those who believe that their poetry is not crap. It is no coincidence that these people often dream of killing themselves; The Cure have been trying to kill themselves since 1976. Unfortunately, they have only succeeded in pickling themselves, and now contain so many preservatives and formaldehyde that they can never die.
Robert Smith's hair is not of this earth.
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[edit] Band History
In 1976, Robert Smith invented a cure for cancer. However, that would have made people happy. So, instead, he sang a little song. That made people sad. Robert liked that. A lot. He never wanted the sadness to end. So he hired a bunch of English alcoholics, gave them cancer, and told them as long as they stood behind him and played musical instruments very, very slowly, he would give them the antidote. He named his backing band the Easy-Cures, to remind them of what they could never have.
The band began well, with the young Smith full of hope and chinese food. Unfortunately, in 1978, Robert accidentally ate the cure for cancer. The formula lost, his band quickly died, but Robert noticed no change in their playing and kept them on. Since their zombie lips were no longer capable of pronouncing the words "Easy-Cure," Lol OMFG Rofl Tolhurst shortened the name of the band to "The Cure."
Determined to once again taunt the world with a cure for cancer that they cannot have (or even stand to be in the same room with), Robert decided to seek a new cure for the disease. A musical cure.
Then, in 1981, Morrissey told Smith, "You idiot, everyone knows that music can’t cure cancer." (at the time it was believed that music could cure cancer: later it was discovered that while music cannot cure cancer, Robert Smith can cause it).
Morrissey’s contempt made Robert Smith permanently sad. He began to drink heavily, eat heavily, and be heavy. He also dressed like a teddy bear in mourning, fucked up his lipstick, and ate an entire dump truck full of of pot pies. Although he was widely believed to be in drag, pure black potato sacks such as those worn by Robert Smith wore are unisex, and can be purchased for both men and women.
[edit] 1989
In 1989, Smith realised that his best friend and co-founder of the band, Lawrence "Lol" Tolhurst, had been dead for eleven years. He had fallen against the keyboard when he died and his corpse was playing the same note over and over again. Robert only noticed when his gentle decomposition caused him to switch from C to C#, a note Robert had never seen and had no idea what to do with. Three albums were destroyed before Robert replaced his corpse with a drinky bird. Critics immediately hailed the evolution of his sound. Miffed, the supersentient bacteria who inhabited Tolhurst's body took legal action, angrily demanding that the Cure suck harder and more often. Robert sprayed them with pesticide, then set himself on fire in a drunken rage. Utterly outwitted, the rotting corpse formerly known as "Lol" formed a new band called "Presence" and made good on its threats, breaking all records for sucking and being crap.
After the legal battle with Tolhurst (and his concomitant self-immolation), Robert Smith was dead. Quite dead. Morrissey rejoiced, as did all right-thinking people everywhere. However, as the poets say, nothing gold can stay; Robert Smith's well-deserved death was destined not to last.
In 1999 Smith returned as a ghost, fulfilling the fantasies of his legions of awful fans, formed an all-star band actually capable of playing their instruments, and created a new cure for AIDS, built five housing projects in poor sections of England, invented two new flavors of ketsup, and made some godawful music that somehow was as bad as everything else was good. The ghost of Robert Smith said "It's bloody great. Nothing happy anywhere, ever. I wish I could burn myself to death all over again."
Smith is currently writing music for his children's school Christmas concert [4th December], Snow White, in which he will play the lead role.
He has seven children, all of whom he named himself. They are called Dipsy [she's a bit simple], Tinky-Winky [he wets the bed], Eternal Despair [she cries alot], Resentment [he always picks fights with the other boys at school], Emptiness [he doesn't talk much], Lala, & Po [who are both alcoholics].
[edit] Robert Smith + giving a hug = irresistible
It is common knowledge that Robert Smith is often called "Fat Bob". However what is often overlooked is that his hair contains so many chemicals and wildlife that it gives everyone within a 20 mile radius a magnetic urge to give him hug. Naturally this spawned the phrase: "EVERYONE wants to give Fat Bob a hug". For example in an episode of Seinfeld Jerry is trying to give up masturbating prompting him to say:
| This is worse than when I tried to not give Robert Smith a hug. |
This phrase became a fan favourite and the slogan graced many a t-shirt.
[edit] Major Releases
- Three Imaginary Boys (1979). Three Imaginary Boys was inspired after Smith read the preface of Sartre's classic work Being and Nothingness and subsequently decided that neither he not the other two band members actually existed, but were actually a product of an LSD hallucination. It features the eerily prophetic Killing Wanky French Philosophers, which deals with the USA banning all references to French philosophy from its Humanities faculties in 2004. The lyrics forespell: Standing on a beach with a gun in my hand / I'm the stranger / Killing an Arab. Spooky.
- 17 Seconds (1980). The title refers both to how long it took the band to record the album and the playing length of the album. As they had run out of money for drugs and beer one night, they decided to produce a vastly minimalist work in order to make a quick buck. The production reflects the decision.
- Faith (1981). This first of two "experimental" albums deals with Smith's short-lived but disastrous flirtation with US-style fundamentalist pentecostal Christianity. Bright, uplifting songs of praise and worship such as The Holy Hour and the title track were not at all well received by the band's growing legion of Goth fans and the band quickly abandoned the project. George Michael eventually bought the rights to this, re-recorded it and released it as his first solo album.
- Pornography (1982). This second of two "experimental" albums was even less well received than the first. To distance himself from his previous Christian stance, Smith decided for some reason to release a whole album of songs dealing with explicit sex and XXX-pornography. Not only, once again, did the band's legion of Goth fans loudly protest (Goths being much too ephemeral and serious for such crass subject matters) but the album was given an X-rating in many countries, meaning it was only available in dingy sex shops, most of which were totally uninterested in stocking a record by an obscure UK Goth act. The record subsequently sank without a trace and is now considered a precious collector's item.
- Japanese Whispers (1983). Changing direction completely, the next album was sung completely in Japanese as Smith had, on an amphetamine-induced whim, decided to learn Japanese. Hit singles included the now-legendary 私達は寝る and 歩行. However, the video for the last single 愛猫, featuring a bunch of cats being abused by obviously drug-fucked band members, led to a major RSPCA investigation after Interpol found 23 dead cats (murdered execution-style) and one dead janitor (whose rictus of terror could not be concealed and had to be buried in a closed coffin) on the set of the video. Fans took well to the Japanese angle, especially the loli and tentacle rape aspects of their new sound. Irregardless of their fans' appreciation, this was almost certainly one of their worst albums.
- Disintegration (1989). This is probably one of Smith's worst recordings. As he recorded this album (originally called Disinterestification), Smith suffered a series of severe nervous breakdowns which left him completely the same but poor. Unable to handle the shock of working for a living, Smith began to hallucinate that his body was literally disintegrating, and to prevent this covered himself regularly in industrial-strength adhesive. Due to general stickiness, his fingers would adhere to the musical instruments that he played, giving this album its signature "no-more-than-one-note-at-a-time" sound. 'Lovesong' is either the worst sincere song ever, or sincerely the worst song ever.
[edit] Criteria to Be Able to Listen to The Cure's Music
Not just anyone can listen to The Cure, and only dogs can truly hear them(or able to type crap here, like me a dik head with emotional problems, therefore i hate The Cure, but this is only my bad taste. If you want to be a real fan, you should abaondon all concept of real spelling or unbleeding ears). To truly introduce The Cure's mystic musical vocabulary of catastrophic and life-threatening boredom into your life, you must first necessary fulfill these conditions:
- You must be suffering from major depression, preferably baseless and self-inflicted.
- Remember your friends "pills," and "booze." They are the only friends you need. And the only friends you deserve.
- You must be an active member of the Goth subculture. You must be completely unaware that Goth is emo in stupid clothes.
- You must believe in the philosophical theory of existentialism, or at least believe that you understand existentialism. You must sincerely plan to read an actual book about existentialism someday. You must not speak French, as that might introduce you to "actual" existentialism.
- You should write lots and lots of really bad, depressing, whining, moaning poetry. This poetry must be inflicted upon high-school creative writing teachers, long-suffering parents, unsuspecting bystanders, and your soon-to-be-former friends.
- You must accept Robert Smith into your life and worship his hair as the one and only true God. Worshipping hair must not conflict with "existentialism" in any way that you are capable of understanding.
[edit] Formal Apology from the Author of this Article
I would like to formally apologize to everyone that I knew in high school for all the times that I made them listen to the Cure. They're really not that good.
I am especially sorry to my parents.
