The Da Vinci Code

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“101001001110101011111000101111101111001111011100111001100001110011110110000101110000111010011110000010000110101101010111001000110011110010101010100000000000000020000000000000000100011110001011101010111100101010101x10e1101110001010100001001011111111111000101001001000100101011110111010!! That's the DaVinci Code. The bad news it that it's impossible to translate without having the DaVinci-Unicode table, but the good news is that it's Open Source.”

~ Some hacker on DaVinci Code

Dan Brown famously noticed anomalies in the paintings of famous artists that had completely gone unnoticed by the experts for hundreds of years and Realising that Christians will lose their faith with such undisputable arguments being spread the Vatican sent out evil monks to try burn all copies of the Da Vinci Code but failed due to Dan Brown’s cunningness, the fact that the monks were too busy practicing their evil laughter to do anything practical and the impenetrable volume of Tom Hanks' hair.

This led to the church having to accuse Dan Brown of being a liar to which Dan Brown gave that amazing response, “ah, but that’s what they want you to think…”

It is rumoured that a sequel to the Da Vinci Code is being written where Dan Brown conclusively proves that the paintings of Van Gogh show that Jesus was really a sunflower.

1 Movie
2 Controversy
3 Arguably The Most Terrifying Scene In The Film
4 DVD Extras
5 Cast List

[edit] Movie

The film of The Da Vinci code was released on Easter Sunday 2005. It stars that gay dude from Castaway as Robert Langford, a professor of Conspiracy Theories at the Discovery Institute. He finds a naked dude right in the middle of an art gallery who apparently died while engaging in some sort of sick sex act, an idea he got from reading Dan Browns book and watching a porno directed by Ron Howard. Together with some French tart they must track down and kill Dan Brown, before anyone else experiences pleasure from sex which is, as we all know, sex crime. They have many exciting adventures like being loud in libraries and looking around old tombs, as well as driving backwards in a golf car- er... Smart Car, and jay walking. Meanwhile, the French insurance guy who killed Fakezilla is determined to make sex free for everyone.

Also joining them is Ian McKellan, this time masquerading as a cripple. He's known more commonly in this film as the plot hole filler, knowing everything about everything. Whaddya expect? He is Gandalf, after all.

In the end they find the secret hideaway of Dan Brown, but the guard won't let them in. So they camp outside and write angry letters to The New York Times. One cold night, Robert and Ian huddle together for warmth and their lust gets the better of them and so begins a 20 year love affair which transcends gender, screen and...oops, wrong movie. My bad.

[edit] Controversy

Shortly after the book was released, Dan Brown received complaints from many people, but very few of these were worth noting, as they came from people who got their information from uncyclopedia. However, there were two complaints worth noting

Leonardo Da Vinci: Leonardo has denied ever giving permission to Dan Brown to use his artworks, and threatened to sue him for it. However, Dan Brown couldn't read the letter, as it was written in mirror writing, and now lives in a rubish bin. The same sort of problem has happened with the sequel he is working on. The problem here is that Dan Brown has refused to use DEAD people. If he simply used a dead artist, there'd be no problem.

The Holy Grail: San Greal has complained at the idea of being portrayed by a human woman. He his currently lodging a formal complaint to the Grail Rights and Welfare Agency. You can support his cause by sending a letter to Indiana Jones (333 Thisisobviouslymadeupville, USA)

[edit] Arguably The Most Terrifying Scene In The Film

When Tom Hanks walks around with his top off. It is so horrible that Tom Hanks told Mel Gibson to take it off air. It caused several audience members to scream "God, no, God! Why Lord, why????" and then convert to Christianity before fainting.

[edit] DVD Extras

Commentary by the director. Also, commentary by the director on acid, which is much more entertaining.
Simultaneous commentary by Joseph Smith, L. Ron Hubbard and Mohammed. And you thought the director on acid would be entertaining...
Deleted scenes including one in which Langdon finds out that his great-great-great-great grandfather was Satan based on a hidden code in "Mambo #5."
An alternate ending where Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back in time and kills Robert Langdon as a young boy. And there was much rejoicing ...
Subtitles in English, French, Latin, Anagrams, Vulgate, or Wingdings.

[edit] Cast List

Tom Hanks as Robert Langford.
Some French Tart as Jesus's great, great, great, great, great granddaughter. Oops. Forget you heard that.
Ian McKellan as the crazy, cripple guy. He's evil.
Gerard Way as Silas the nutty monk.
Bill O'Reilly as Dan Brown.
The Holy Church Of Chemical Romance as the Opus Dei sect.
Tom Cruise (as token Scientology representative)
Jesus (as Himself)
Directed by Mel Gibson.