Daily Mail
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“I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.”
- ~ Some Woman on The Daily Mail
Often referred to as "Facism with Oven Gloves on" The Daily Wail, also known as The Daily Heil is a hugely popular British comic for those who believe themselves (usually mistakenly) to be members of the middle classes. A pair of rose-tinted spectacles must be worn to read articles in the Daily Mail, which describe how everything was great in the 1950s before the Islamic Conquest and the introduction of drugs, fat women, asylum seekers, paedophiles, the homeless and the invention of sex made daily life intolerable for the conservative middle-class Chelsea tractor driving mums and retired army colonels that inhabit these sceptred isles.
The Mail was first issued on 26 July 1932 (dated 30 July). The headline on the first edition was 'The British Union of Fascists: Our Patriotic Angels!'. The present editor is Paul Dacre, known for his sweet and engaging personality, anti-swearing policy and rare porcelain collection. Dacre died in 1984, but was brought back to life by Jushin Thunder Liger in 1991, only to be run over by a truck in 1992, and again for luck in 2001.
More recent additions to the Mail line-up include the side-splitting shenanigans of London taxi driver Richard Littlejohn, with his world-famous witticisms, including "British women married to Iraqis should be left to rot in their adopted country, with their hideous husbands and their unattractive terrorist children" and "Does anyone really give a monkey's about what happens in Rwanda? If the Mbongo tribe wants to wipe out the Mbingo tribe and eat their brains then as far as I am concerned that is entirely a matter for them".
It is worth noting that any Daily Mail headline phrased as a question can be answered with the word 'No'. Hence 'Did Dragons Once Roam This Sceptred Isle?', 'Are we ruled by a Gay Mafia?' and 'Is The Daily Mail In Any Way Reasonable?'.
A first issue of The Daily Mail sold for £1 on 16 March 2004, which was, at the time, the lowest price ever paid for chip wrapping-paper at auction.
[edit] Sections
The Front page of the Mail consists of several major parts. At the top right is the "Free Shit corner". This is occasionally given the "Dead blondes Sector" instead. The Dead Blondes sector, located just below the Mail logo, is devoted to reporting on Madeleine, Diana and formerly Jill Dando. It is also occasionally replaced with some information on the latest cure for cancer. Then there is the main headline, about how Britain in falling apart to to "Health and Safety", "gypsies", or the like. To the right of this is "Dead Blondes corner part 2" or the "Keira Knightley you're so pretty please don't sue us again" area.
[edit] Editorial stance
During the 1930s the Daily Mail briefly supported the Blackshirts and Nazis before they realised the former were too moderate and liberal while the latter were German and therefore European[1]. Nowadays the paper campaigns against abortion of heterosexual foetuses [2], while also maintaining the entirely logical and consistent position of demanding the withdrawal of welfare payments to fallen women to support their unwanted bastards.
[edit] The Typical Daily Mail News Story
| GUARDIAN-READING, FEMINIST, GYPSY ASYLUM-SEEKER CONTINUES REIGN OF TERROR |
An asylum-seeking, DEGENERATE, liberal, feminist, Muslim, satanic heavy metal-worshipping, paedophile has continued to terrorise a community of law-abiding, white, middle-class protestants today. Perhaps one just like YOURS!
The homosexual, French, GYPSY, poor person was observed acting in a completely YOBBISH style by starving in the gutter and coughing up blood in a most UNCIVILISED manner while praying to CULT-leader Allah. This all illustrates the continued DECLINE of Britain under the corrupt, "politically correct" COMMUNISTIC regime of Tony "Big Brother" Blair. The British values system has fallen apart. Kick them out! Kick them all out!! And we're not talking about "the jams" either!!
In other news, scientific studies have proved that there is a direct link between SERIAL KILLING and use of the teenagers' drug skunk-cannabis, video games, cheese and reading the Daily Mail. Think of the house prices! OH GOD, WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE HOUSE PRICES?!!
This sort of thing is typical of the Decade Of Horror that is Blair's Britain. Only YOU can stop this by going out and STORMING PARLIAMENT (with angry letters)
[edit] The Daily Hypochondriac
At least once a week the Daily Mail likes to take some time off sticking the boot into dark-skinned foreigners to report on a health fad or some medical feelgood/scare stories they pulled out of their arse. The fact that these stories frequently contradict the ones they published last week is entirely besides the point. Clinical studies have shown that niether of their readers' attention spans last that long.
[edit] Things which cure/prevent cancer
Cloudy apple juice, tea, spicy food, a Mediterranean diet, broccoli, cauliflower, cabbage, E-coli, apples, peanuts, soya, your blood cells, evening primrose oil, the "energy" from crystals, red wine, breast milk (provided it's never consumed in public), white bread (see below), a fibre-rich diet, measles, watercress, coffee, eating at least 19 portions of vegetables a day, chocolate, and reading the Daily Mail.
[edit] Things which cause cancer
Being tall at 14, reading the Guardian, not eating, immigrants, being fat, being thin, cooking oil, immigrants, IVF, being female, salt, immigrants, vaccines (particularly MMR), being male, ethnic minorities, fizzy drinks, alcohol (but not wine), being poor (which of course is a good thing), being sexually active before 28, crisps, immigrants homosexuals, chips, not having children before 27, immigrants, the poor, biscuits, breakfast cereals, remaining sexually active after 29, baby food, drugs, having children before 26, immigrants, WiFi (whatever that is), voting Labour, white bread (see above), water (except when it's expensive and from a plastic bottle), immigrants, plastic, "chemicals"[3], immigrants, Mobile phone masts situated near schools (Masts elsewhere are fine, as are the phones themselves) breast milk (when consumed in public), the nanny state, immigrants, Eating food, driving when you're under 24, Islam and of course immigrants.
[edit] Astrology -what every parent should know
With blatant disregard to the Witchcraft Act (which was still technically in force at the time). The Daily Mail (big fans of law n' order and all that) was the first newspaper (sic) in Britain to publish Horoscopes. (Disgracefully nobody was ever prosecuted for this much less burned at the stake!). Today Astrology is the biggest religion in the UK with over a fifth of the population adherants. After making so many people swallow astrology convincing the public about the authenticity of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and a conspiracy between Jews and Freemasons to control the international banking system should be a piece of cake really.
[edit] Sabotage by the Guardian
The Daily Mail ran headlines in the winter of 1992 stating that Asylum Seekers were the natural predators of Paedophiles. Such a stance caused great strife amongst the Daily Mail's readers who were confused as to which they hated more. The Daily Mail subsequently claimed that the headline was written by a saboteur from the Guardian (who was also a crack addicted single mother)
[edit] "Abortion Hope after 'genes' findings" Update
Scientists have recently announced that they have successfully identified the gene in human DNA that causes people to be Daily Mail readers. MP George Galloway has welcomed this breakthrough and has sponsored a private members bill in Parliament raising the abortion time limit for foetuses carrying the gene from 24 weeks to 85 years (or longer in certain circumstances) #. However, this proposal has run into trouble with the Racial equality commission, who have ruled that if being a Daily Mail reader is caused by genetics they are a distinct racial group. Needless to say the Daily Mail itself has condemned the commissions ruling as:
| political correctness gone mad |
[edit] Oirish Edition, Polish supplement
In 2006, an Irish edition of the Daily Mail was launched, followed in 2007 by a Polish suppplement [4] in the Mail on Sunday. For 2008 the same publishers are hoping to follow up these successes with the launch of a Hebrew translation of the classic Mein Kampf.
[edit] It Was The Mail Wot Won It
After a mere decade, Communist leader Tony Blair has been forced to step-down from his position in the politbureau under relentless pressure from the freedom-fighters at the Daily Mail. Truly, this is a victory for the real Britain.
Rest-assured, so-called Gordon Brown will face a similar struggle.
[edit] Common Headlines
- PAEDOPHILE ASYLUM-SEEKERS SWAMP BRITAIN
- BAN THIS SICK FILTH!
- TIDE OF ASIANS UNSTOPPABLE
- WORKING WOMEN - WHY OH WHY?
- SIKHS IN SURREY: IS NOWHERE SAFE?
- PAKIS RUN WILD IN TUNBRIDGE WELLS
- FURY AS MUSLIM MOVES NEXT DOOR
- NOW IN BROWN'S BRITAIN BEING RACIST IS "RACIST"
- LESBIAN ASYLUM-SEEKERS TORMENT MIDDLE-ENGLAND
- BOY IN ROAD ACCIDENT AFTER PLAYING RESIDENT EVIL 4!
- WORKING CLASS SCUM WITHIN 50 MILES OF YOUR SUBURB
- WILL WHITE BRITONS GO THE WAY OF THE RED SQUIRREL?
- HOW BROWN FLEECES MIDDLE-CLASS TO FUND GAY ADOPTION
- ARE BRUSSELS BUREAUCRATS DEFRAUDING HARD WORKING BRITS?
- EVIL ISLAMIC NEWSPAPERS PRINT EXAGGERATIONS AS HEADLINES!
- 98 YEAR OLD GRANDMOTHER DIES AFTER CHILD RECEIVES TRIPLE JAB - "NO COINCIDENCE" SAYS FAMILY
[edit] Popular Past Headlines
1940s - TRAITOR CHURCHILL VICTIMISES HARMLESS MOSLEY AND HITLER!
1950s - FILTHY COMMIE ATLEE INTRODUCES HATEFUL NHS!
1960s - FURY AS WILSON ANNOUNCES REFORM!
1970s - DIRTY TRAITOR HEATH JOINS EUROPEAN COMMUNITY!
1980s - BELOVED HERO THATCHER TWATS THE ARGENTINES! HURRAH!
1990s - ABORTION LOVING, GAY SUPPORTING LABOUR WINS RIGGED ELECTION!
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ i.e. foreigners are to be feared, not embraced, no matter how on-message they are about the Red Menace
- ↑ Google "Abortion Hope" & Gay Gene
- ↑ Don't try explaining to a Mail reader that everything is made of chemicals, it confuses them
- ↑ called 'Get the fuck out of our beautiful country you disease-ridden money-wrangling child-molesting homeless immigrant bastards'
[edit] See also
[edit] External Links
- The Daily Mail Website
- Daily Mail story generator - No more need for meddlesome journos - its automatic!
- For DIY enthusiasts
- MailWatch- See how the Daily Mail has truly messed up a story
Barmy British Stuff 
