Death Star
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: "Heil Vader" | |||||
| Anthem: "Imperial March" | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Room with that table that has a black ball in the center of it. | ||||
| Largest city | New Washington | ||||
| Official languages | vaderish palpatineish | ||||
| Government | American Empire | ||||
| -Grand Moff | Supreme American Emperor Dick Cheney | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Darth Vader, Palpatine, Grand Moff Tarkin, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney
Enemies = Edward Cullen, Jewsus | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | 0BEY | ||||
| Currency | Credits, US Dollars | ||||
| Religion | "You can't serve unless you're saved!" -Darth Vader | ||||
There have been several incarnations of the Death Star throughout the millenia, from some built a long, long time ago in galaxies far, far away to the current American Empire version, under the command of Darth George Dubya Bush. Darth Vader ordered this built to commemorate his blown up testicles after they were burnt.
Contents |
[edit] The Current American Empire Version
This "Death Star" is located in the constellation of Pisces, approximately 40 thousand A.U. (arbitrary units, see related matters on mechanics) from Earth. So called because former Death Stars have been regarded as "cursed" since the times of the early astrologers, with legend stating that all those who look upon it will mysteriously, some day end up dead.
Currently, Darth George Dubya Bush, under direction from Emperor Dick Cheney, have been credited with creating the current incarnation of The Death Star. Born from the gradual improvements of the project "star wars" template that ex President Reagan began, this Death Star cost the American Empire taxpayers a total of $25 trillion (plus maintenance costs... see Deaths Of The Death Star, below) secured in a no-bid contract and given to Emperor Dick Cheney's construction companies.
It was built after Darth George Dubya Bush told the people that there was an imminent threat of "Space Terrorists", and that taxpayer dollars were needed to build and operate the Death Star and take it to Venus, Mars, Saturn, Jupiter, and Mercury, which were thought to be harboring terrorists (The American Empire reported that the reason they never found Osama Bin Laden was because he had been hiding in Mars all along). Once a scientist told Bush that the sun emitted light with radiation, Darth Bush got all excitedlike and told Emperor Cheney that the terrorists were hiding nuclear weapons of mass destruction in the Sun, so Cheney agreed to also go and blow up our Sun. This at first did not seem feasible, but when he took into consideration that he and Darth Bush owned almost 99% of the energy racket in the American Empire (formerly known as Earth) and there were profits to be made, he figured out that it would be stupid NOT to blow up our sun.
"If we don't blow up our Sun, the terrorists will win!" -Darth George Dubya Bush, under Emperor Dick Cheney's masterful control.
After blowing up each planet, Emperor Cheney had each rebuilt by construction companies handpicked by him and Darth George Dubya Bush at a high cost to American Empire Taxpayers. He occupied the remains with American Empire Troops, and set up puppet governments in each of the planets. This turned out to be a bad decision when the troops were sent to the sun, since every single soldier mysteriously died from being burned to ashes once arriving there. Emperor Cheney dismissed this, saying "Live and learn. there are plenty more peasants where those came from... um oh is that camera on? What I meant to say is MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!". He then denied every American Empire casualty and decreed that anyone who investigated the actual amount of casualties would suffer the same fate as Al Gore and Michael Moore (Gore-ified)
George Dubya Bush was once quoted as saying "I really didn't think that there egg design was very nifty. I wanted to put some purty racin' stripes on the damn thing but Emperor Cheney wouldn't have nuthin' to do wit it. I says at least let me name it the Death Egg, cuz it's all purty and Egg-like, but he said we'd get sued cuz somebody already done used that. Later Dick tol' me to look and see how it looked like a purty little boob, at which point I pointed and giggled and tol' my Momma. Then Dick told me to settle down. He's a little meany sometimes. Let me tell ya though, after a while the Death Star grew on me, specially seein' as how I could blow planets ta smithereens wit it!! And you know we rednecks LOVE blowing shit up! Boy howdy!"
Currently it is used by Darth George Dubya Bush and Emperor Dick Cheney to 'liberate' (blow to hell) any planet in nearby Galaxies that may be hiding weapons of mass destruction or be harboring terrorists. After this the planet is rebuilt by no-bid contracts from construction companies Darth George Dubya Bush himself hand picks, and then a puppet government is set up and becomes part of the American Empire. The Death Star is also home to Wikipedia, an evil guild of copycats who vow to corrupt the minds of internet geeks and nerds.
This incarnation of The Death Star is powered by a $3 billion hyperFig Newton matter implosion reactor.
[edit] Death Star as Weapon
So reliable is the deadly curse power of the Death Star that it has become a popular mechanism of assassination, the traditional approach being to point towards it in the company of the hapless victim, exclaim "That's no moon!" and watch as their eyes are diverted skywards, leading them to superstitious suicide.
The most famous Death Star assassination was JFK by Darth Stalin.
However when it is used to destroy planets it looks really cool, as long as it's fake.
The terrorists hijacked the Death Star once, with disastrous results. They actually skimmed the hair of Mrs. Jinkins!!!
Currently, North Korea rebels controls an actual Deathstar, and they have plans to use it to rid the world of the "evil" American Empire. Unsubordinate pigs!!! SIEG HEIL!!
Death Star Names:
- Beach-ball of death
- Globe of Evil
- Tennis Ball of Terror
- The "Thats no moon!!" Moon
- Bouncy Ball Of Bush
- The Deathticle
- The Really Mean Star
- The Bad Star
- The Star
- The Opposite-of-Life Star
- The Star That's Gonna Kill You Star
- The You Aren't Gonna Be Alive After You Look At It Star
- The Dead Star
- The Big Metal Boob
- Carl
[edit] Death Star Cookies
After the battle of Bugnor-Pee-Fleckit, the Death Star malfunctioned, causing over 100 cookies to be ejected into space. this casued a dramatic increase in the value of internets up to the year 2100. The ejection has been described as "Crumbelievable." So far no-one has traced the current location of the cookies, however they are easily identifiable as no other cookies exist in the Star Wars universe. Additionally, recent spectral analyses of the ion trails left by the ejected cookies suggest a non-uniform distribution of matter; it has been posited by several preeminent scientists that approximately half of the cookies landed somewhere on Coruscant, some in the Jundland Wastes of Tatooine, and approximately 8% of them touching down in the middle of an Amish village in Utah. They were subsequently danced around, poked with salad tongs, and, eventually, burned at the stake for witchcraft. mmmmm... my mother made good cookies. WAIT! WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING
[edit] FAMUS SAYINGS HORAY FOR COOKIES
Captain Picard and starship Enterprise had a very notable encounter with the Death Star during the episode "Relics", which also featured a fat, undead, zombie demon resembling Scotty. The Enterprise actually flew inside the Death Star in order to rescue Scotty, who mistook it for the gateway to Hell. Everyone made it out ok, and the Federation is reportedly going to send a science vessel to further study the "curious anomaly."
[edit] Deaths of the Death Star
Luke Skywalker had destroyed it, & Jar Jar Binks was responsible for it's destruction as well. It is rumored that the Death Star could have been Zidane'd by none other than Zinedine Zidane. Dilophosaurus also blew up the death star with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.In fact, it may even been burninated by Trogdor.
Although not a total destruction, there is also a rumor that DarthGeorge Dubya Bush, commander of the American Empire Death Star, was allowed to sit on the pilot's lap and take the wheel of the gigantic $25 trillion space station. It is said that he hit the side of the moon and knocked off a gigantic chunk of it, which then rained down on the American Empire (Formerly Earth) causing widespread chaos and an additional $7 trillion in damages to the space station, which of course came out of American Empire Taxes. Emperor Dick Cheney was not furious, however, since poor lil Georgie had reportedly drank a 6 pack of non-alcoholic beer and was "all tuckered out" before the incident. Besides, the repairs were done by a no-bid contract from a company that Emperor Dick Cheney himself owned, so it all worked out for the best for him.
Nevertheless, Darth George Dubya Bush never got to touch the wheel again.
[edit] Aliens with Deathstars
Aliens are too stupid to build a Deathstar, or even a measly Imperial Star destroyer. Anal probes, though, that's another story...
[edit] Western Australian Death Star
It is little known that the rogue state of Western Australia, upon the completion of its Icarus anti-poverty death ray, allegedly intends to construct a death star. This is presumably to continue the current questionable war with the solar system of Proxima Centauri.
(that is an inside joke, most of you wont get it, but the editor probably thought it was funny) death stars is a serious becouse i have receive massegse yesterday
for the firt time happen in the earth was very critical .situation. i think thats must people call it retired stars,
