The Duggar Family
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Duggar Family is a close-knit, wholesome Christian family from Arkansas that is renowned for being composed of 19 20 immediately-related individuals.
That's right, they've got 17 18 children. We can only assume that the trend of one new child per year will continue until Michelle's ova finally run out.
Contents |
[edit] Before Children
Jim Bob Duggar was a simple real estate agent when he met his future wife Michelle, who at the time was known around Las Vegas as Galaxia LaRue, whore extraordinaire. After a weekend whirlwind of drugs and sex, the two were married in a glorious $10 ceremony before all the gamblers and prostitutes that were sober enough to stand up unassisted.
The marriage was often tumultuous. Jim Bob would spend long hours at work and take frequent business trips, while Michelle would spend long hours on her back and take frequent acid trips. After weeks of going at it in such a manner, Michelle sobered up enough to begin to suspect that Jim Bob was cheating on her.
Following in the footsteps of every desperate woman in history, Michelle contrived to keep her man by saddling the both of them with a child and restrictive morality. And the couple simultaneously said hello to a new life while waving goodbye to something that was fun.
[edit] Turning to God
Following the birth of Jim Bob and Michelle's first child, the two attempted to resume using contraceptives. Alas, they learned that using birth control pills shortly after concieving led to a miscarriage. Under their new Christian identity, this was unacceptable, and so the two turned to God.
God was not pleased. It wasn't as if there were world crises that needed His divine attention, oh no--instead, some idiot couple from Arkansas just had to keep asking Him for guidance after they failed to follow the instructions that came with the birth control pills.
And so God cursed the two (and Michelle in particular): The two would become a real-life version of Full House, complete with an ever-increasing number of annoying, needy, hyperactive children and fashion that would never escape the early 1990s.
Needless to say, the two were thrilled.
[edit] The Compound
The Duggars began to plan out their coming life. They knew that forsaking birth control while maintaining an extremely healthy sex life would give them all the children they ever desired, and probably a lot more than that; therefore, they would require a custom-made domicile in order to house their growing brood.
They settled for a project that would eventually culminate in 7000 square feet of space, with three massive bedrooms, multiple baths, a massive yard, and a kitchen equipped like a cafeteria (complete with soft drink dispensors, large deep fryers, and a pizza oven); additionally, a birthing center was installed just outside of the master bedroom. It was designed with the ability to easily expand in order to accomodate any future additions to the family.
A large series of tunnels, dungeons, and graves has been rumored to run underneath the compound, based largely upon the sudden disappearance and re-introduction of several of the younger members of the family, who often sport completely new appearances upon resurfacing in the public. Loud screams have often been heard at late hours of the night in conjunction with such strange "vacations," although Jim Bob and Michelle have denied all of it.
[edit] Meet the Kids
Below is a list of all children currently recognized by the Duggar family. It is organized by age, from oldest to youngest, and contains a neat little fact on each child.
| Names | Useful notes | |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | Joshua James | Oldest child, often blamed for being "gateway drug" |
| 2 | Jana Marie | Part of the first set of twins, capable of combining with John-David to form Fraternitron |
| 3 | John-David | Part of the first set of twins, capable of combinig with Jana Marie to form Fraternitron |
| 4 | Jill Michelle | Kept chained in the attic due to hideous deformities |
| 5 | Jessa Lauren | Heavily suspected of being a lesbian |
| 6 | Jinger Nicole | Has made numerous failed attempts to change her name's spelling to something less ridiculous |
| 7 | Joseph Garrett | Prototype for all subsequent male children in family |
| 8 | Josiah Matthew | Fosters unhealthy relationships with plants |
| 9 | Joy-Anna | Huge bitch |
| 10 | Jeremiah Robert | Other siblings convinced he's a body-snatcher |
| 11 | Jedidiah Robert | Grows two heads whenever one is cut off |
| 12 | Jason Michael | Sprang forth from father Jim Bob's head full-grown and in a suit of armor |
| 13 | James Andrew | Likes rhinestone-studded accessories |
| 14 | Justin Samuel | Mongloid |
| 15 | Jackson Levi | Thoroughly enjoys denim trousers |
| 16 | Johannah Faith | Kind of a whore |
| 17 | Jennifer Danielle | Completely unremarkable except for having simply walked out of her mother's vagina |
| 18 | Jordyn-Grace Makiya | Destined to overthrow her father in a cataclysmic battle that will engulf the Earth |
Please note that all of them currently live at home. All of the males share a bedroom; likewise do the females. How each one finds time for themselves is a mystery, since the older children are off taking care of the younger children while their parents go and create yet more.


