The Dutch

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“Hey they're stoned!”

~ Captain Obvious on The Dutch

“We so kicked your arse in the last war”

~ The English on The Dutch

“We so kicked your arse in the last war”

~ The Germans on The Dutch

“We got more pwettty bishicals”

~ The Dutch on The Germans and Englisch

The Dutch are quite unlike any other European people. Despite the obvious physical differences the most striking as well as subtle differences are in attitude and behaviour. It is a common misconception that the world 'Dutch' is German for German; in fact it's an abbreviation of the common phrase 'Useless bastards'. To understand this phrase it's necessary to know some history. At the end of the second world war the German economy was in ruins, many resources were in short supply, food was scarce, the population were desperate. The provisional German government of the time had more people than it could feed and more land than it could control. Civil war was a real possibility. In order to solve the two biggest problems of the time a bold plan was devised. The sub-human, failed Nazi era genetic experiments, and any other humans deemed a drain on the scarce resources would be rounded up and dumped in the west of the country. This area was chosen as it is the crappy bit with no landscape and would likely fall into the sea in a few years anyway. Simply shooting these people was ruled out as inhumane. Within 5 years 80% were dead but some had managed to survive by methods such as picking fruit and berries, adapting to eat mud, or selling insurance door to door. The people with the skills to survive taught others and the Dutch nation was born.

In the following years the Dutch were taught to fish by George Lucas and founded a religion based on herring, bicycles, and a once in a lifetime pilgrimage to the one hill in rijswijk. Due to interbreeding many of the traits engineered into the nazi era genetic experiments were distributed amongst the population. The more common of these traits are listed below.

[edit] History

Main article: History of the Dutch

[edit] The Dutch Language

An avid Dutch-learner

Two languages are spoken in the Netherlands: Dutch and Double Dutch.

[edit] Dutch Language

The Dutch language, also known as , Freaky Deaky Dutch and by its Latin name Gutteralis magna Vomitus is one of the least spoken languages in the world, as well has the most challenging for the human vocal cords. Trying to speak Dutch, while being a non-native Dutchman, may cause muteness, throat cancer and regurgitation of previously eaten food items or, in some cases, vital organs. 83% of the people trying to learn Dutch, die before mastering the language, the surviving 17% soon finds out they have to live in the Netherlands, or (worse) Belgium to be able to have a conversation in Dutch.

Oddly enough, Dutch is actually exactly the same as English, only spoken with a very strange accent. To learn Dutch is very easy - one is simply required to catch a cold, then fill one's mouth with marshmallows and digestive biscuits, and to speak normally. For example, if you use this technique and then attempt to say, "Good morning, kind sir. I would like to spend the day in your fine coffee shop with a fat bag of your best skunkweed, please," you will hear a sound something like "rmgghh fhhdf fghh dygh. Yh fghred fhjk fo schprunddh tfg fgsh fghfjh sdjh dfsd khjfffy dfgh etdg df sdjhsdjh jfhg df fhgfjh wedg sjghnfrofd fdghdfhggh." The Dutch proprietor of the said coffee shop will understand this perfectly and furnish you with the wares requested. What's more, he will be so impressed with your cunning lingual skills, he'll give you a discount on the price (unfortunately, the next time you come, and you will come, he will ask you twice the price) For more details on the Dutch language see Dutch_grammar

[edit] Double Dutch Lanugage

Iza gazirls yizo hizak mizo izak wiza sizno tagiza kiza pizas kizah (asalizan nizo iso izane) yizo pizo damizo. Asalizan wilze isa mu zuve suza kuza muza muza bu baby. Wilza isa pilza in dizouble dizuch, dizouble dizuch, dizouble dizuch. Wilza isa pilza in dizouble dizuch, dizouble dizuch, dizouble dizuch. Muzaqza silzabuza qza duza Double deqza. Kizu?) Makizirl dwilzingagizam. Izokiza iowiezi izokiza izowizie nizam wizie wilzu suzee. Bip, bomp, bam alakazam.

[edit] Fun Facts

Did you know...

It's a common fact that the Dutch do not like to spend money. In fact they absolutely hate it, and generally adore free stuff. For example copperwire was invented by two Dutchmen fighting over a nickle.

• The phrase 'Dutch Courage' comes from the fact that the Dutch are notorious drunkards and stoners, and only feel the least bit brave when drunk, or high, to the point to delusion.
• Traditional Dutch pastimes are sleeping, getting the Munchies, laughing at Germany (and anything that moves) and boats.
• The Dutch like acting stupid for shock value. It's not uncommon for them to paint themselves orange and run up and down yelling, or to wear snowman outfits in the middle of summer. Illusion seems to provide these people with some escape from the pointlessness of their lives.
• Under law, at least four hours of Jumpstyle is to be completed by every Dutchman every week. People caught listening to music that doesn't sound like its been made by a five year old on fruity loops, may be punished by hanging.
• The Dutch love bicycles and bicycle riding Dutch will often yell at people walking who they see as a lower social class. Of course, they don't start yelling until they are over 100 meters away because they are total cowards.
• Being among the laziest people in the world, they have a method whereby they can take their dogs for walks by bicycle (100% true ask a Dutchman). It's generally thought that this idea was invented by Hitler.
• The Dutch like to mock foreign people by getting them to try and pronounce idiotic words like 'Scheveningen' (see Scheveningen) and laughing heartily at the results. When people manage to pronounce it correctly, they subtly alter the pronunciation.
• Most Dutch people are under the delusion that they speak fluent English. This is where English people get revenge by asking Dutch people to pronounce words beginning with 'Th'.
• The Dutch can't do anything right and before Polish labour every building was built crooked. This can be clearly seen in all old buildings. The Dutch didn't seem to mind though, as they are nearly always seeing sideways anyway.
• The Dutch army is the only army in the world with a trade union. I'm not joking, look it up. "March up that hill", "No sir, I might trip up and hurt myself".
• The Dutch invented on-line gaming after the war as a substitute to the rampant sex they had with the SS and adulterous degenerate Yank soldiers from the US of A.
• "Going Dutch" is not something Dutch people do, they don't pay at all.
• In Dutch the word Darth means Luke's and Maul means Mall so the phrase "Darth Maul" means Luke's Mall. Tyranus means Tyrannosaurus rex so the phrase "Darth Tyranus" means Luke's Tyrannosaurus. Sidious means city so the phrase Darth Sidious means Luke's City.
• Vader means father in Dutch. I wonder what "Darth Vader" means in dutch

[edit] Spakenburg

The most fucked up village in Holland is Spakenburg, where they use drugs all day. They once wanted to change the name Spakenburg to Stonervillage but it never came through. On Friday and Saturday night they gather to use drugs together. Some people even go on holiday to Spakenburg just to become part of this special event, that really can change your life. Most people who've been in Spakenburg never left. The people in front of the Sfinx are called Boegelidonocs. Ted and Markie are the great drug suppliers. The Dutch government had reached out 10.000.000 dollars on their heads because... Well, just because they're fucking useless stoners. No one ever managed to kill them though. Before you can kill them, you have to resist the sweet temptation of the marihuana.

[edit] See Also

• A team better than all Dutch teams put together
• Afrikaans
• Dutch grammar
• Amsterdam
• Rotterdam
• Katwijk
• Scheveningen
• Clogs
• Dykes
• biostabiel