The Edge
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“The Edge? Yeah right!”
~ Bill Bailey on The Edge
“Whoo ... better be careful not to fall”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Edge
“Livin' on The Edge”
~ Steven Tyler on cannibalism
“You think you know me.... You THINK... you know me.... YOU... THINK... you know me...”
~ Edge on people knowing him
The Edge is actually homosexual and likes to go to bed with George Bush. They often have gay sex and the edge is worried.
The Edge (born Theodore Humphrey James Edge) is guitarist of Irish terrorist group U2. He is also a superhero and professional wrestler as well as the inventor of the delay. The Edge has gone through a lot of aliases such as The Ledge, The Spike, The Lotus, The Sting, Coolman, The Cool, The Heath LEdger, The Joe Satriani, The Police, The Phenomenon, Sonic The HEdgehog and Peter Criss. Although he may appear to be a genuis on the guitar, he was revealed to be quite shit in 2004 by English comedian/wizard Bill Bailey.
The Edge's nickname was created when he was 12 years old. He named himself The Edge and his penis, Spike. He currently ONLY uses a delay and if he didn't have one he would be booed of stage. He has sex with gay people like Randy Orton
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[edit] The Edge vs. The Pink Floyd
The Edge is the official inventor of the delay despite Adult Contemporary musicians Pink Floyd having tried to claim the idea theirs. Researchers and real scientists have come to the conclusion that The Edge originated this effect but never the less the legal dispute has lasted for centuries now and Pink Floyd have claimed that they will not rest until they have full rights of the effect. Syd Barret said "AAAAAAAAA!" on the matter. Many have pointed out the fact that Pink Floyd where making music many years before The Edge but this has just raised more questions on the authenticy of Pink Floyds music.
Sound samples for your own judgement.
The Edge - I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For (1987) (with Bono on tamborine)
Pink Floyd - Another Brick In The Wall (Part 1) (1979)
It is suspected that The Edge actually wrote some of Pink Floyds material and members Pink Floyd have been misattributed writers of their music.
[edit] Dave Evans
During the day The Edge wears his disguise under the name of Dave Evans. After removing the cap, wearing tacky glasses and dressed in a suit The Edge is unrecognaizable not only to the public but even his fellow superhero Bono wasn't able to recognize him.
“I was like walkin' and this bloke comes up to me and says his name's Dave. And I'm like let's go save some starvin' children lad.”
~ Bono on Dave Evans
In Metropolis, The Edge (as Dave Evans) works as a reporter at the Planet, "a great metropolitan newspaper" which allows him to keep track of ongoing events where he might be of help. Largely working on his own, his identity is easily kept secret. Fellow reporter Lois Lane became the object of Dave's/The Edge's romantic affection. Lois' affection for The Edge and her rejection of Dave's clumsy advances have been a recurring theme in The Edge's comics, television, and movies...
[edit] The Chin
Edge's Chin is ten times larger than any normal humans, and because of the steroids shrinking his dick, he uses his chin on Vickie instead. He really enjoys spearing woman/men/transvestites with his chin
[edit] Family
As with all superheros The Edge pussied out and married to an irrelevant person and produced his superhero daughter trio Hollie, Arran and Blue Angel. Although Blue Angel obviously being the most powerful off them all the trio can join into an amazing tri-delta attack that shrieks like a guitar. Some say they're harpies other say they're sirens but due to the fact that no one has lived their horrid voices no one really knows what they look like.
[edit] The Edge beat the following people
[edit] Elisha Mitchell (PhD)
As a professor at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill he discovered the height of Mt. Mitchell. Mt. Mitchell is the highest point east of the Mississippi River. When Elisha Mitchell returned to verify his earlier measurements The Edge got the better of him and Elisha Mitchell fell to his death in 1857.
[edit] Jessie Gilbert (chessplayer)
A British teenage chess champion has fallen to her death as she sleepwalked straight from The Edge of an eighth-floor hotel room.
[edit] Joker, The (villain)
He was ultimately defeated by The Edge when he fell to his death from a church tower.
[edit] Mike Wallace's (journalist) 19 year old son.
The death of his 19-year-old son, Peter, who fell to his death off The Edge of a cliff in Greece in 1962 on summer holiday from Yale
[edit] Hans Gruber (megalomaniac)
Fell to his death from the 32nd floor of the Nakatomi tower while playing leapfrog with John McClane and The Edge.
[edit] Owen Hart (Canadian wrestler)
Hart fell to his death in Kansas City, Missouri on May 23, 1999, during the WWF's Over The Edge PPV event. Edge then pinned his corpse after cashing in his "Singles Push in the Bank" contract.
[edit] Philip Gale (scientist & musician)
Gale fell to his death from a classroom window on the fifteenth floor of a building on the Massachusetts Institute of Technology campus. He had no idea how close to The Edge he was.
[edit] Suiciders
By suiciders, I mean those gayass bastrds who huff kittens to try to kill themselves. And Chris Benoit.
[edit] Things Edge Likes to Do in WWE
- Climb ladders
- Push people off them
- Hit people with chairs
- Run into people, apparentally this is called a spear
- Run into people off a ladder, defying the laws of gravity and physics
- Kill Jeff Hardy
- Stamp his feet
- Grind his teeth
- Be a pussy
- Scratch his head and look menacing
- Fuck his penis
- Stroke his chin, not beard
- Put head up and look down
- Kick people
- Taunt
- Mumble things to their faces while spitting in rage so it sounds like "YOU SUNCSHS OF AAR BITSCHS!"
- Beat the Undertaker
- Beat Balltista
- Beat everyone
- Win all ladder matches ever in existance...unless John Cena is involved
- Laugh at himself when nothing he said is funny
- Make out with sexy Divas
- And Vickie Guerrero, although this is only because he gets paid alot
- Look worried when he has to, then laugh and stroke his chin again
- Shake his head when he talks
- Trys to learn how to act
- stroke his hair to make people notice his hairdo which was clearly inspired of of Britney Spears
Categories: Oscar Wildeizms | Professional wrestling | Emo | Pop Musicians | Terrorists | Drunken Irishmen | Musicians Who Suck So Monumentally That It Really, Truly Amazes Me That The Earth And Any Surrounding Planets And Quite Possibly A Good Bit Of The Afterlife Have Not Yet Been Swallowed Entirely
