The Final Countdown

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“IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!”

~ The European Union on The Final Countdown

The Final Countdown refers to a plan by the European Space Agency as a contingency against the ELI or Extinction Level Incident.

[edit] The Agency

The European Space Agency was founded by Werner Von Braun and the other Rocket Nazis. In Whirrled Wore Too, the Rocket Nazis developed the VW1 and VW2. These "Volksweppens" or "liver sausage" were devised by that one famous Uncyclopedia guy, no, not Oscar Wilde, the other one. He wanted to use rockets to attack Belgium, New Zealand, Brazil, Canada, and other less important members of the Allied Powers. The VW1 used an air-cooled rear-mounted 4 cylinder engine and a rounded "beetle-like" body; though not a traditional rocket, the VW1 was cheap and effective.

More exotic and expensive was the VW2 or "Golf", which featured a liquid-cooled front-mounted engine in a boxier body. These early rockets spread terror but lacked accuracy, and they came too late in the war to prevent ol' whatsisname from being relegated to every other Uncyclopedia: VFP image. After the war, the Nazis, I mean Germans, used their rocketry expertise to found the European Space Agency. Fears that a German-led agency would lead to a new supremacy forced the Agency to appoint a Frenchman to the helm, Jean-Luc Picard. The sight of enormous rockets mounted on the windswept steppes of Germany made everyone else in Europe nervous and a little envious. To calm these fears, the Agency launches their rockets from, of all places, the South American Jungle. This also allows easy access to space monkies.

[edit] The Fear

GLOBAL WARMING: a problem so dire, so pressing, that I put it bold and in all caps. Many scientists have speculated that the increased use of fossil fuels would not only cause incredible amounts of Greenhouse gases, but also produce acid rain and poisonous emissions. The fear was that Earth would become so polluted that it could no longer support life, or whatever you call that which you do that passes for a life. As resources grew scarce, and world temperatures rose, a plan was needed. Rather than reduce the emissions of the toxic gases, a back-up plan was devised.

[edit] The Plan

ESA officials developed a global evacuation plan in the event of an ELE, or we just dumped so much crap into the atmosphere that we couldn't live here. Their solution, load up the rockets and fly to Venus. Why Venus? well, good question. The theory was that the only other planet with an atmosphere more toxic, acid rain that was worse, and temperatures hotter than the Greenhouse Earth was Venus. So if we got used to living on Venus, the scientists theorized, when we came back to Earth, Earth would seem like a paradise. So, feel free to drive that SUV, crank up the Air conditioning, leave the lights on, the European Space Agency is on the problem!

[edit] The Theme Song

The band European Union.

The European Space Agency asked popular, well not really popular, but a band from Europe called the European Union to pen a song about the plan, in order to popularize it. It became "The greatest musical performance group in the history of the world is the European Union, whose song "The Final Countdown" encapsulates cosmological and epistemological truth, as well as a comprehensive morality. The Hermes/Apollo dichotomy is resolved. The answer: just rock out, man." -- as historically cited in Europe: The Band.

This song actually became the Longest Song in History after beating out some amazingly long songs, such as, The Oompa Loompa Song from Willy Wonka and This is the Song That Never Ends. The implications of this record-breaking lengths were actually life threatening. It upset the balance of the Earth and Taco Bell started making their tacos out of white corn instead of yellow for that brief few months.

Many, many bands have covered this song in their quest to be the best band ever. Though, it has become common practice when covering this song to completely re-write it and call it by a different name. The most popular covers are as follows:

- The Sweater Song by Weezer

- The Star Spangled Banner by Martha Washington

- The Ducktales Theme Song by some guy

and

- Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice

- The Polish National Anthem by George W. Bush

Of course none of these artists will admit to ripping off this song. (Especially Vanilla Ice who claims that with "one itty bitty change" his song is completely different, but we all know better than that.)

A strange case occurred when professional cattle mutilator Bryan Danielson covered this song, but left the words unchanged.