The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air
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“A couple of guys were up to no good? Making trouble in your neighborhood?â€
~ Oscar Wilde on The Fresh Prince
“How do I know? Because the crowd went HO......â€
~ The Fresh Prince on asking the audience if his wife is a slut
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (????BC-????AD) is the name commonly given to legendary monarch "Freshus I" of Philadelphia that may or may have not actually existed. His tale is one of how his life was changed unexpectedly, leading up to his assuming the title of "Prince of Bel Air".
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[edit] Origin
It is believed Freshus was born and reared in an ancient kingdom roughly in the same area as modern-day West Philadelphia. There, he spent most of his days on ancient playgrounds where he partook in several activities common to youths of his time, such as idleness, an unexplained activity newly found hieroglyphs refer to as "maxing", relaxation, as well as playing a sport preceding modern basketball outside of what archaeologists believe to have been a school.
[edit] Exile from Philadelphia
Written accounts go on to tell historians that barbarians who might perhaps have been up to no good started ransacking his kingdom and the surrounding area. Freshus was involved in a minor skirmish, which subsequently frightened his mother, who banished Freshus to live with his uncle in the distant kingdom of Bel Air for his own safety.
According to some obscure accounts, Freshus protested, but his mother insisted that he leaves immediately, packing his belongings, giving him a farewell kiss, and giving him some kind of passport (which in the end he didn't need because he just killed everyone in his path. Resigning to his fate, Freshus took his favorite music record and left for Bel Air.
[edit] The trip to Bel Air
Much to Freshus's chargin, he is put near the front of the boat that would take him out of Philadelphia. While on the boat, he is given a goblet full of what hieroglyphs call "orange juice". Freshus then starts to think about the lifestyle of the citizens of Bel Air, thinking that the exile may not be a bad thing, but more obscure accounts say that he considers the uptight behavior of the people he will meet in Bel Air. After thinking about how unlikely someone would send a person like himself to such a place, he comes to the conclusion that everyone should be prepared for when he inevitably takes the throne of Bel Air.
Okay, some say that when the boat reached the mainland, Freshus was still far off from the kingdom of Bel Air. When he emerged from the boat, he saw a horseman calling for his name. Freshus is certain that the man is a guard that is willing to incarcerate him, and he quickly flees the scene, looking for an alternate mode of transportation.
Freshus called for a train of chariots to escort him to Bel Air, and it was adorned with luxurious but eccentric red tesserae, baring dots, and also bore the name "Fresh" on its hind end. Archeoligists found that cabs were very rare. Hieroglyphs point out that Freshus thought the chariots to be odd, but he decided to ignore his feelings about them (there is no hint on the stone tablets as to why this is pointed out). He cried out to the charioteer, "Yo homes, To Bel Air!"
It is believed he arrived in Bel Air sometime between the years 7 and 800 BC, and he bid his farewell to the charioteer as the latter left him, boorishly cursing the man's stench.
[edit] Ascension to the Throne
After finally arriving in Bel Air which would be modern day England, Freshus' uncle King Philip the Phat, who was King Henry VIII's brother, wasn't pleased with his arrival, but his wife Queen Vivian was and so were their spawn. Carlton, Freshus cousin, was short in stature, often confused with the royal midget, and was annoyed with the arrival of Freshus. However, Carlton gradually succumbed to Freshus' mind powers, which made him accept Freshus, though it wore off occasionally. Hilary, Freshus' cousin, was not concerned with him, for she usually just cared for herself and aggrandizing her own garb and dowry. Freshus' last cousin, Ashley, was not like her siblings, for she was young and so Freshus took her under his wing and dubbed her Ash. He taught her most of what he knew, though he kept most of the dark arts for himself, including the forgotten practice known as 'maxxing'. Sometimes, to secure a greater allowance, they combined their powers to create Robocop and hypnotize King Philip and take what he had. Freshus' Aunt Vivian often vexed King Philip, but after his brother King Henry VIII founded the Anglican Church, King Philip was finally able to be rid of her. He did this often, sometimes once or twice a year, and every time he got a new wife they happened to have the same name. Eventually Freshus was helped by Sir Jazz, an ally who sometimes acted like an enemy, and after 6 seasons passed he finally overthrew King Philip and became the ruler of Bel Air. Freshus slew all in his quest for power.
[edit] See also
| This Prince smells funny... ...and has been awarded a pine-scented air freshener. |
