The Future

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This article documents a current event. Information may change rapidly as the event progresses, Ya know?

“The past is only the future with the lights on.”

~ Mark Hoppus on the future

“We live in it”

~ Captain Oblivious on the future

“Not shutting up are we?”

~ Captain Obvious on Captain Oblivious above

Contents 1 Introduction 2 What The Future Is Going To Be Like 2.1 General Differences 2.2 Transportation 2.3 Leisure 2.4 Fashion 2.5 Music 2.6 Language 2.7 Buildings 3 Futurstorical Events 3.1 In a bit 3.2 Almost but not quite just about right now 3.3 Oh, a long ways off 3.4 The last moments of the universe 4 Inventions of the Future: 5 Linky

[edit] Introduction

The Future (name subject to change) is a long awaited historical period, and the third and final component of the Age of Time trilogy. The future has long been scheduled to be opened to the general public by tomorrow, but budget constraints and logic have resulted in daily setbacks to this scheme. The time period is the much-awaited sequel to the present, and the final part of the trilogy of time periods. Fans of the past and the present continually express outrage as the Future is delayed. The Future has many defining features not seen in its prequels, such as [[aliens](usually E.J.A. (Evil Japanese Aliens), spaceships, robots, metal trees and laser beams.

This article or section is able to see into The Future. Although Wikipedia is not a crystal ball, Uncyclopedia is, so we get to say what happens in the future and they don't.

Predicting the future is a common term among time fans eagerly awaiting its release. The term refers to any leaked information about the future, and assumptions created from that information, as well as pure conjecture. This consists mostly of fans making guesses based on the mistakes of the past, which was widely regarded as only fun for the hardcore time fans. There are many internet discussion forums where the world's greatest minds come together and argue with one another whether the Future will stick to its simple roots, or be a complete sell-out that is all about the graphics.

What makes predicting the future difficult is that it is protected by the CSS encryption algorithm. Anyone who has tried to predict it prior to the 18th century has died; this is not known for certain.

[edit] What The Future Is Going To Be Like

According to genuine scienticians, You will discover this page at precisely 00:29 7 July 2008. Fans of time conjecture that this will have a profound influence on the plot of the Future.

[edit] General Differences

From the small amount of information released about the future, this much we know for sure:

In the future, Rambo-esque Teletubbies will function as the soldiers of Earth's dictator, Petey Piranha. All jobs will have become obsolete, as nearly all necessary tasks will be taken care of by mass-produced androids made in the likeness of Oscar Wilde (referred to as OW’s). For example, groceries will be delivered by specialized GroceryDrone OW’s, which receive grocery lists from widely used robot carrier pigeons. However, in the future all food products will serve as nothing more than aesthetic implements, as human food consumption will have been replaced by vitamin-fortified heroin injections.

Future children will also be raised by HappyNanny OW’s, who will expose infants and toddlers under their care to a proportional amount of the soul-crushing isolation they will experience as young adults. Hugs, to be deemed unsanitary in the future, will be performed by HappyNannies in a cold and loveless manner until they are recognized by the child as a form of punishment.

As an adult in the future, your entire life will be spent barren of inconvenience until your 30th birthday, when the Sandmen come to take you to Carousel and you are sent floating gracefully into the air to explode in an array of fantastic bloody carnage while the under-30 crowd has a rave all around you.

[edit] Transportation

In the future, no one will have to drive on congested roads or get tired from walking long distances, as people will use rocket-powered tricycles to go from place to place. Automobiles and other vehicles will still exist, but rather than consuming gasoline, they will actually produce it, and this gasoline will be used to fuel said tricycles. Contrary to popular belief, teleportation will not exist in the future, as teleportation research will be strictly forbidden by the Earth’s genderless vampire overlords.

[edit] Leisure

Every leisure activity enjoyed today will be replaced by a virtual reality version of it. This includes sex, which will be provided by holographic prostitutes projected into your very own bedroom simply by dialing "*69" on your telephone. Thanks to Japanese innovations, said “holo-whores” will be able to be adjusted to meet any conceivable fetish. …Yes, even that.

Visual media-wise, you will be entertained by 3DTV thanks to tiny projection emitters embedded in your living room walls. Unfortunately these play nothing but reruns of Family Matters and Knight Rider 24 hours a day. Future equivalents of DVD players will have been banned by the government in response to a cataclysmic battle triggered by format disputes for next generation home entertainment systems.

[edit] Fashion

Fashion of the future will exclusively be based on a silver/metal theme, with styles falling into one of the following categories:

1. Hyper-aerodynamic
2. Luminescent
3. Glittersequinescent
4. Neo-Homo

Hairstyle trends will overwhelmingly favor the gravity-defying and sharply jutting type, dramatically increasing the per capita usage of styling mousse, as well as the number of fatal hair impalement incidents each year (both inadvertent and premeditated). Glasses and sunglasses will always sport dynamic horned rims, or just have a single oblong lens that covers both eyes.

[edit] Music

All techno. Techno everywhere, all the time, and taken intravenously.

[edit] Language

In the future, all of the world will speak a combination of modern English and lolcat, which closely resembles babytalk English of today. The difference is the calculated result of years of lolinternet. In written English, capital letters become extinct, and much of the grammar has become inconsistent. People everywhere will praise the language for its regularity! Even the English, who enjoy trying to fit as many irregularities into each sentence as possible.

• Examples:
• egzampulz:

• American English: Yesterday I went out and killed my cat.
• fyωtcʌ inglic (Future English): yestʌdei mɪ goed @wt n kild ma k@t. (Yesterday, me go'd out and killed my cat.)

• American English: I have a cute pet cat named Ginger.
• fyωtcʌ inglic: mɪ h@v ʌ kyωt pet c@t neimd jinjʌ. (Me have a cute pet cat named Ginger.)

• American English: I believe that the president is an honest man with benevolent policies.
• fyωtcʌ inglic: mɪ bilɪv thʌ prezidunt iz onist m@n wiv gud aidɪʌz. (Me believe the president is honest man with good ideas.)

• American English: You are lovely, and I want to make sweet love to you all night long.
• fyωtcʌ inglic: yω iz v-gud, n mɪ wont seks yω ol nait. (You is v-good, and me want sex you all night.)

[edit] Buildings

Everything will be covered in chrome and Teflon... EVERYTHING. Flowers and grass springing up from the ground will immediately be painted chrome, and a world-spanning fleet of flying saucers will spray chrome dust into every cloud in the sky.

Also, all skyscrapers will be designed to look like longcat.

[edit] Futurstorical Events

[edit] In a bit

• Tokyo renamed "Neo Tokyo"

• Vatican admits pretty much everything was a hoax. Longest April fools joke. Ever.

• Starcraft replaces soccer as world’s most popular sport

• The First Church of Spongebob opened

• Aunt Ginny makes her famous brownies for the bake sale

• Earth's magnetic poles mysteriously reverse positions. USA wakes up to discover that it is now in South America.

• Female orgasm scientifically proven to exist

• Robots become intelligent enough to understand humour

• Canada buys one (1) tank

• Uruguay and Paraguay merge into Guaymundo

[edit] Almost but not quite just about right now

• New York renamed "Neo York"

• The independent state of Utah annexes Singapore, colonizes it, and renames it “Utoporia”

• New Taco Bell Crispalupa Taco-- $0.79 for a limited time only

• Trilobites totally make a comeback!

• Poorly built space elevator is constructed, and quickly breaks down, necessitating the construction of space stairs.

• Wikipedia purchased by Encyclopœdia Dramatica LLC (Limited Lulzability Company)

• USA colonizes Uranus. Related jokes NEVER get old.

• All Uncyclopedia articles are permanently locked to non-robotic users.

• Canada gets an army (It is recommended that this statement be moved to the WTF?!?!?!? article).

• George W. Bush's dad whips him for not starting the prophecized war in Iran.

• Cornwall declares itself an independent republic.

• Hillary Clinton seizes power by coup. Obamaland and Dixie declare independence.

[edit] Oh, a long ways off

• New Zealand renamed "Nü Zealånd"

• Nü Zealånd will invade all pacific islands

• All forms of education rendered obsolete by the invention of brain transplants.

• Sun goes dim; Danny Boyle nukes it back into brightness.

• Plants become obese after excessive carbon dioxide ingestion.

• Space elevator is used by extremely lazy aliens to invade Earth

• Canada conquers the earth; the USA is exiled to Uranus.

• One day after Canada conquers the earth, they get conquered by the English army led by Wallace and Gromit. The Simpsons take over land formerly controlled by America, and Peter Griffin is exiled to an island in the Pacific where he is killed by Elliott Sadler.

• Terrorists vaporise all Americans left in existence by setting fire to Uranus.

• Duke Nukem Forever makes it to the Development Phase

• People will actually do that "we should do something some time" when they meet with an old friend

[edit] The last moments of the universe

• Humanity becomes intelligent

• Neo Germany makes a funny joke

• Weather service become 100% accuracy

• Bill Gates goes bankrupt

• Duke Nukem Forever and Axl Rose's Chinese Democracy is released

• Bags of Potato Chips come full to the rim, not half full of air

• Britney Spears regains custody of her children

• Death dies

• Chuck Norris wakes up and causes mass destruction

• Michal Jackson stops raping children

• Cookies actually taste bad coming from Mom

• First time machine made, Church of Scientology buys one and goes back to the start of humanity. Huge disappointment; someone stepped on an internet.

[edit] Inventions of the Future:

• Uncyclopedia Pay Plus! and Uncyclopedia Xtreme!
• Food Pills
• A Canadian Military
• Wheel 2.0
• The SuperWheel
• The XtremeWh33l
• Fire Xtreme

[edit] Linky

• 2100 AD - Before the End of Time
• One possible future

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