The GazettE
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“"They're FAAABULOUS, darling."”
~ Oscar Wilde on The GazettE
“I Love Ruki!!!”
~ A typical fangirl on The GazettE
“URUDUCK WILL RULE THE FUCKING WORLD!!!”
~ PYDE Y. IKI on The GazettE
The following is a set of undisputed facts on The GazettE, a Japanese Rock Band/Pagan Diety that started in the early 21st century, and its individual members. Everything here is absolutely true. The odds are that if somebody says otherwise, they are lying to you, and should be reported immediately. Or later.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
The origins of the four members are quite uneventful. Originally intended to be the second coming of Jesus, the band is the result of a tumultuous set of aglaphotis-related accidents that completely botched the original concept. At the end of all the mess, it turned out that the resulting being was not our lord and savior, but a pagan deity inspired by four basic doctrines; Red, Yellow, Purple and Blue. What religion this deity is pagan to, exactly, remains a mystery, and has ever since due to the fact that Nobody cares enough to discover it.
For a while things went on just fine after that, until, due to a horrible accident with the Chinese emperor, the deity was split into four separate beings and imprisoned in the bodies of four Japanese men. After a few scandalous confrontations with the one true evil, these men and their sacred holy mother, Kai, went on to wage a holy war against the scientologists under the guise of being a musical group.
As you may be able to tell tell, this is some serious fucking business. You better leave it alone unless you're an expert.
[edit] Musical History
While the fractions of the god themselves have existed since forever, the band was only recently begun in the late 20th century due to the recent invention of cross-dressing. After waiting in the shadows for George W. Bush and X Japan to develop Visual Kei, they sprung into action and soon rose to high fame after the release of Wakaremichi, which, in the language of the gods, means "I'm going to fucking kill all of those kitten-huffers so help me god." The group has now become popular in Japan, America and The Czech Republic, mostly among 12 year old girls. They are currently featured in countless examples of Yaoi fanfiction, which they will deny reading or supporting if asked. But truthfully, half the band's income results from them sexually exploiting themselves in public for money. through a stage act known as fanservice.
While many other bands in the genre consider The GazettE to be cheaters for using their divine powers to achieve fame, the heart of the matter is that there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. The band gained instant momentum due to their absolute powers over all of existence, reaching number one on some sort of chart or another, just like every other band that anybody's ever heard of in all of history. After appearing on numerous magazines and engaging in plenty of fanservice, their fame finally had absorbed enough of the fangirls' life energy to achieve 'super sayan' mode, thusly becoming super fame. Despite all that, nobody past the age of 17 seems to have heard of them. It is popular belief that this is because they are immune to the truth. The real point here is that The GazettE is using their divine status to their advantage, but nobody knows about it thanks to the evil Liberal Media Conspiracy
{{{ Disclaimer for the love of God don't be an idiot and take this seriously}}}
[edit] The Members of The GazettE
[edit] Ruki, Vocalist.
Ruki is the 'red' fraction of the deity, created to invoke passion, life and creativity into the heart of mankind. Unfortunately, he kept it all to himself so that he could be the best ever at everything. However, when Kai found out, Ruki got a stern talking too and was eventually convinced to let artistic inspiration back into the world of mortals, resulting in the European Renaissance. However, just before the turn of the 90's, Ruki accidentally ate the concept of originality while making a sandwich, thusly dooming the world to endure horrible things such as Rap Music and Linkin Park.
Despite having existed for all of eternity, Ruki has never mastered English sentence structure. Now, he tries to make up for his failure by writing nonsense jumbles of English words into his band's lyrics. Together with similar antics from other bands in the genre, this resulted in the language phenomenon known as Engrish, which eventually deviated into Kyogrish, which eventually replaced Italian as the national language of Narnia due to it's incredible flexibility of meaning. Middle Earth and Hungary were soon to follow.
The things that Ruki aren't very good at include; not looking like Kyo, and speaking the English language.
[edit] Reita, Bassist
Reita is the 'yellow' portion of the four-pronged deity. His job is to implant the positive, manly ideals of courage! compassion! and valor! However, due to the nature of humanity to all-around suck at that sort of thing, he has yet to complete his mission. Reita has retained the most resolve in his situation, and has yet to give up on the human race, insisting that he is 'manly and straight' on every occasion. However, it's been recently proven that Reita is actually quite gay, considering he fathered himself and his three brothers with Kai in a terrible time-travel accident, which eventually resulted in Reita being God for a fraction of his existence. The odd clothing over his nose actually hides the mark of God.
Reita is a fan of Bananaphones, for they are the only cellular device capable of transporting his godly voice without bursting into flame. Recently, Reita has used his Bananaphone to get more involved with the political manners of the day, in attempts to spread the scripture of the 'yellow' fraction of the deity. When looking at Reita's call list, one will find that he's been making important, manly calls to all walks of human life, including a pizza, his cat, and Bejing-jing-jing. Seeing the usefulness of this device, he has recently begun supporting the promotion of the banana-phone. After all, who wouldn't want one? It's a phone with appeal. And, they're yellow.
Places and people that Reita has not called on his Bananaphone include The Czech Republic, The Starship Enterprise, Bill Kaulitz, Banana Republic, and Your mom.
he's soo hot :)
[edit] Uruha, Guitar
Uruha is the 'purple' fraction and has very sexy legs. He likes to wax them on a daily basis. He is a whore that originally contracted AIDs from Aoi, and since Aoi has not showered since April of 2006, now he is officially shunned by the lead guitarist.
Once in an interview, Uruha said he would like to clone himself and call it Uruha Two. A lot of fan girls strongly support him in the desire is it would mean they could have smexi time even if the Original Uruha didn't like them or had to go away for a Live. When asked his opinion, Aoi said he would be keeping all the Uruha’s to himself because it would meen he gets to rubs the sexy legs all day long (and night). Uruha was disgusted, saying that he didn't want the other Uruha's getting STDs. Ruki agreed, saying that Uruha should create three so that he could have one to lick up and down.
While he is not having sex (or even when he is) Uruha loves drinks and himself. Give him a drink and he will love you. So maybe not, since Aoi would cry (and Uruha wouldn't give a shit), but he'll love you for a few seconds.
Misfortunes to Uruha include times when Aoi is too horny and simply won't leave him alone, which means that Uruha will have to reveal his superpower: his suffocation thighs. Others include when Kai joined the band - which had made him very emo - and when Reita showed him his ugly nose for the first time.
[edit] Aoi, Guitar
Aoi is the 'blue' fraction of the deity, hence his name. The blue deity is devoted to the balance and harmony of all living things, bringing tranquility and calm to the masses. However, Aoi was never very good at this, so he resorted to giving everybody crack instead. This really didn't work out so well. Eventually, he gave up entirely, which explains why the world is in the sorry state it's in.
He pretends to like Metallica so he doesn't look like a faggot but is actually a devoted fan of The Cure. It was recently discovered that all of his Metallica CD cases actually contained burnt CDs of The Cure and Linkin Park, proving once and for all that he was a twelve year old girl, and a music pirate, the most evil combination of all things on the planet. If he only knew that Robert Smith is actually, despite popular beleif, awesome, then maybe he could completely embrace his love of unplugged music. Then he might not feel so bad about being such a girl.
Aoi is often considered the prettiest of the group, probably because he spends so much of his time around acoustic guitars, which has been proven to make you absolutely gorgeous. Unfortunately, it's predicted that eventually this will all go to his head, and the others may murder him out of jealousy. A different prophecy though included the Goddess mentioned above, telling of how she saved him from the treacherous plans by disguising her as a blue panther (she had intended to change him into a black one, yet the fact he is the blue deity did not allow that) and feeding him with red bananas and green corn.
[edit] People that look like Aoi
People that look like Aoi include, but are not limited to, Alessa from Silent Hill, Miyavi, and That Guy. This is most likely because Aoi is actually the third rebirth of Alessa, and will one day lead us all to paradise. As for Miyavi... well, hellifino. Maybe he's the long lost fifth brethren of the deity. Like that one person in captain planet or something. Aoi also created earth and pushed God off his large pedestal. AOI IS TEH SEX!!!!!
[edit] Kai, Drums
Kai is the undisputed band leader and legal guardian of the other four members. It's rumored that Kai gave birth to the band after being impregnated by God, (A.K.A. Reita) much like the Virgin Mary. In fact, as you may have read at the beginning of the article, The Gazette was supposed to be the second coming of Jesus. Unfortunately, Harry Mason showed up and snuck some Aglaophtis into Kai's tea, therefore terminating the pregnancy. The result was not the apocalypse, as intended, but the premature birth of a pagan deity that eventually became the band you know today. Or maybe you don't know them. But you should, because one day the rapture will come and their revenge on the non-believers will be ruthless.
Kai loves to cook food for his children, and often reads them bedtime stories. Except for Reita, who is going through those awkward rebellious teenage years. He also does not have a driver's license because he refuses to drive, cars being an evil invention of the band's arch enemy, Dir en grey. Dir en grey and The GazettE used to be on good terms, until Dir en grey was taken to the dark side. That, and Kyo kept trying to look like Ruki. Or was it the other way around? Oh, god, nobody knows anymore.
Kai is under the witness protection program, As he is being stalked and harassed by many many fan girls and some fanboys and Haji, Kai is currently living with his best friend Miyavi spending all day with him, going to the park, taking baths together, sleeping on the same tatami mat.(( miyavi and Kai are not doing anything wrong D:))
[edit] Things Kai does not want
The things that Kai does not want include;
- Scientologists
- Harry potter
- Apple Juice.
- High School musical 3
[edit] Former members
[edit] Yune
Yune was a scientologist who was sent by Hitler to kill The GazettE, but however, his plot was foiled when Kai found him, and thus being so motherly as is he, he defended his brood by killing Yune. Without a drummer in the band, he had also replaced Yune in the band.
[edit] Against Scientologists
As long as the band has been formed it has had one purpose- to defeat the evil scientologists. Well, actually, it's had lots of purposes. One was to attract a whole bunch of attention from teenage girls, and another was to promote homosexuality and the Bananaphone in Japan. If you really look into it, it was pretty much designed to do everything ever, which I'd have to say it's done spectacularly well. Wouldn't you?
Anyway, right now, the band is focused on defeating the evil scientologists. It all started when a rogue band of drunk scientologists kidnapped Aoi and teased him for having such pretty hair. This, understandably, sent Kai and the other members into a rage of fury and vengeance. They vowed to destroy all those who followed the twisted doctrine of Aoi's tormentors. To this day, the ongoing battle between the two sides rages wild, disguised efficiently as every other existing conflict on the planet. All this Alliance/Horde stuff, as well as the War on Terra, is really a clever disguise for the real ongoing battle to avenge Aoi's honor. Aoi himself is the only member who doesn't take much interest in this conflict, although to this day he will fall into a state of panic if he is around, near, or even thinking about anything that has to do with Scientologists- Or Silent Hill, for that matter, but that's only because that place is damn creepy. Note: If you ever do meet them in person, and just happen to mention a certain word starting with science, compliment there hair, and tell them about how you approve of gay relationships. They will eat it up and forgive you.
