The Great Bank Robbery
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“The idea was brilliant. The exectution less so.”
~ Sophocles on the Great Bank Robbery
“I WAS GLAD GENERAL GRIEVOUS WAS KILLED DURING THIS EVENT. HE EVADED ME FOR TOO LONG- BLASTED CYBORG.”
~ Death on the casualties of the Great Bank Robbery
“Bang! And the dirtbag was gone.”
~ Barry Scott on the Great Bank Robbery
“Good work from Obi-Wan here. I'd like to get to know him a little better, if you know what I mean...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Obi-Wan Kenobi
“A xtra ordinary story.But did he rob the judge too ?”
~ Raunak Roy on the Great Bank Robbery
The Great Bank Robbery was an event that unfolded during the Clone Wars, in which the infamous General Grievous attempted to rob a bank (as the name implies). This was foiled by the Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. Grievous, having stolen a large sum of money, was chased through the streets of Utapau, before being shot, apparently to death. This was later recreated in a film based on the events, called Asthmattack.
Contents |
[edit] The Plan
As a result of little to no financial backing during the Clone Wars, General Grievous hatched this most daring of plots. He would steal as much money as possible, and used his mastermind tactical skills to do so. He employed a force of a few hundred droids to hold up the bank, with a strange set of get-away away vehicles waiting outside. Unfortunately for him, Obi-Wan Kenobi was drawing out some cash from the machine at the time of his arrival, and so all of his planning went to waste.
[edit] The Execution
All went smoothly until Kenobi entered. Grievous became the laughing stock of the bank as his entire army was rendered useless due to an EMP device that the jedi had at his belt. When asked later why he had it, he declared "you never know what you might need, or when. Indeed, this same device came in useful in my wooing of C-3PO- or should I say rape?" Either way, Grievous beat a hasty retreat, only to find himself chased by Kenobi in a wild romp which would ultimately lead to them both falling off of their vehicles.
A fight then ensued. Imbued with an iron-clad body, god-like strength and looks like those of Brad Pitt, Grievous immediately had the upper hand. His power surpassed only by the likes of Sean Bean and Crocodile Dundee, he proceeded to beat the crap out of Obi-Wan Kenobi. However, the jedi was not to be discouraged so easily. After being knocked to the ground, he proceeded to sing to Grievous in order to distract him. The ploy worked, and Kenobi managed to escape and grab a gun. Kenobi later revealed that he sang Grievous' favourite song- The Major-General's song, by Gilbert and Sullivan.
“Grievous is the very model of a modern major-general!”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on singing to General Grievous
Kenobi tried to warn Grievous to stop and come quietly, but the cyborg did not listen. Overconfident as a result of his incredible god-like qualities, he charged Kenobi, unfortunately forgetting about the gaping hole in his chest. He was shot multiple times, caught fire and fell over- it was later revealed that the latter was what killed him, and the cause of death was actually blunt force trauma to the head.
With the battle finished, Kenobi stood over his fallen foe and was subsequently seen to be shouting at and kicking the corpse. It can be assumed that he was somewhat irate at the time. Nonetheless, this was brushed over by both the press and later on in the film. When asked why this was, director of Asthmattack Joel Schumacher declared "you'd be pretty angry too. You go to get money from the bank, and instead of going on your date with Yoda, you end up almost getting killed. We just skipped over it because of the controversy. People might complain about some of the language." It has been assumed that said language was obtained by Kenobi from Mace Windu.
[edit] Reaction
Kenobi's exploits were lauded by other Jedi knights, despite his temper tantrum- they also decided to ignore this. Many great men praised him, including Barry Scott, Crocodile Dundee, Neo and Silent Bob (though the latter said little to the point of nothing). Perhaps the best review of his actions came from Gordon Freeman and Morgan Freeman, both of whom are gods. They gave him two thumbs up, saying that they enjoyed his exploits, and that it made unsuitable viewing on live television for the whole family.
The film version was less liked, and many fans attempted to murder the director, Joel Schumacher, after seeing it. Unfortunately, they failed. It starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as General Grievous and Larry King as Obi-Wan Kenobi. It was said to be "loud, pointless and annoying", involving "none of the true events". The romance between Padme Amidala and Kenobi was also over portrayed, with even Kenobi himself complaining on this point.
“If I'd got her to scream like that, she'd no longer be with Anakin. No, it was just a quickie behind the speeder-bike shed, and I can assure you- the pleasure was all mine.”
~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on fucking Padme Amidala
[edit] See Also
- Obi-Wan Kenobi
- General Grievous
- Jedi
- Barry Scott
