The Great Conflict

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

The story of the Great Conflict begins long ago in the far abyss of time.

[edit] Beginning of the world

In the beginning of the world, there were only a few things in existence. One of them was Wal-Mart. God shopped at WalMart because of the discount prices offered there by the mystical turtles who guarded the secret of fish. God bought the secret of fish from the turtles for the ability to flavor super-tasty soup. Therefore God used the secret of fish to furnish the world with its first inhabitants.

These inhabitants evolved into gorillas, birds, and Wolf Blitzer. And while the birds and gorillas and magical, flying popsicles floated across the world, Wolf Blitzer frolicked through the fields of pansies in what is today the Xianjiang region of China. And God was pleased because the Secret of Fish had caused a period of happiness. But all was not to remain so...

[edit] Secret Fish

For the Secret of Fish had attracted the leader of the Dinosaur-Pirate confederation in the outermost reaches of Saturn. And Teddy Roosevelt, along with James K. Polk, assembled the army of Dinosaur-Pirates to begin the storming of fortress earth. And so God, sensing that the long-held Secret of Fish could not withstand the assault, created the Normans. He gave the Normans pointy helments, as they looked cool.

And he gave them chainmail armor, because WalMart was offering a discount and the turtles had crapped on his wallet. And so the Normans assembled and decided, as practice, to conquer Scandinavia. And in the process, their leader was killed and they decided to pick a new leader. He later became King Arthur (the child of Wolf Blitzer and Pocahontas). And so King Arthur gave them vodka, the AK47, and the laser beam. And so the Normans fortified Scandanavia awating the evil conquest of Teddy Roosevelt and James K. Polk.

[edit] Involvement of Teddy Roosevelt

And soon Teddy Roosevelt arrived with James K. Polk and the dinosaur-pirates. And in doing so he fulfilled the Oracle of Beasts, and led to the Great Conflict. The Normans attacked the dinosaur-pirates with vodka, the AK47, and laser beams. However, nothing could resist the golden beard of Teddy Roosevelt. King Arthur, realizing this, decided to seal himself in a cave, which was conveniently located in Cuba. Teddy Roosevelt, deciding that this was a secret passage to Scandanavia. However, he was locked inside with King Arthur for quite a long time.

James K. Polk was turned into a Wooly Mammoth, fronzen, defrosted, and finally elected President of the United States, and attempted to annex Cuba to free Teddy Roosvelt and finally finish the conquest of Scandanavia. Unfortunately, he had eaten too much Cheez Whiz, fell ill, and was later eaten by Andrew Jackson. Teddy Roosevelt emerged from his Cuban cave in 1898 and personally vanquished the Cuban army, which was led by King Arthur (who promptly sealed himself in another cave, this time in Panama). And so Teddy Roosevelt, got himself elected President, and searched in vain for Teddy Roosevelt in Panama, in the process digging the Panama Canal. He was later eaten by General Norman Schwarskopf in a moment of rage.