The Great Gatsby
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The Great Gatsby is a novel written by F. Scott Fitzgerald in 1940 set during The Great Depression.
“Gatsby gets shot in the end.”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Great Gatsby
“I dissaproved of him from beginning to end.”
~ Nick Carraway on Jay Gatsby
“You're my best friend. You're worth the whole damn bunch put together”
~ Nick Carraway on Jay Gatsby (33 pages after last quote)
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter defeat the archangel together so that Lyra and Will can save the world, the Planet of the Apes was Earth all along, The fifth element is love, Buffy dies twice, you are Darth Revan with amnesia, Daniel Jackson becomes a Prior of the Ori, Bertha Crow is the answer and Bertha Crow is the winner, and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
Contents |
[edit] Gatsby's Life
Jay Gatsby was born September 31, 302 A.D. to the wealthy upperclass family of Michael Fox and Bon Jovi. Before meeting esteemed yachtsman Dan Quayle, Gatsby went by his birth name, James Creutzfeldt-Jakob.
On his twelth birthday, Gatsby was forced to fight Roland Regan when he came for the money Adolf owed him. Gatsby was defeated horribly, and lost an arm during that battle. He also lost twelve dollars, three rubber stamps, and his entire Elvis record collection. And Hilter was killed by Regan, of course.
Without his father, Gatsby was sent by Bon Jovi to roam the countryside with a band of homosexual hippies, known as the Wood Huggers. During his stay with them Gatsby was taught ninjitsu and the art of saying 'Old Sport' and arousing women just by looking at them.
When the Wood Huggers disbanded due to the assassination of Elton John, Gatsby went to live with his Aunt Flo. He stayed there until meeting Nick Carraway in 2012.
Nick Carraway was the 154th President of the United States, now known as Egypt. He was known for his genius and amazing talents in mad scientry. In fact, it was because of Gatsby that Nick is no longer the president. A failed assassination attempt on July 6th, 2012, prompted Nick to give up his office and spend the rest of his life in constant battle with Gatsby. Nick was a smoker and a loner who had difficulties which he expressed through repetative narration.
Gatsby always wanted to achieve sexual conquest over Nick, but due to their equally matched nature, the war seemed to have no end in sight. The constant bickering the two were always going through is said to have caused The Great Depression and Napoleon Dynamite.
In 1834, Gatsby enlisted the aid of Batman, known then as Seaman, to defeat Carroway. During this epic battle there were 500 deaths, an earthquake, and two Jimi Hendrix Concerts.
One Festivus, Carraway built a small nuclear device in his basement and, using the rectum of a cat, stored the device inside his own pet Moggy. He then gifted the cat to Gatsby, claiming that their war has gone on long enough.
The device detonated soon after and Gatsby became permanently disabled. He was limited to doing wicked flips all the time. Nick felt so sorry for him that he built Gatsby a giant transforming robot body. It is from this point forth Gatsby is known as Bumblebee, one of Optimus Prime's Autobot compatriots. Unfortunately while testing his new body out Gatsby runs over Myrtle, which in turn causes the French Revolution. Gatsby is not seen again until 3045, when Mr.T punches out the sun.
After the long hard battles and hardships, he met Carraway again in the cave of wonders. He fornicated with Carraway and realized he was fighting something he really should have been loving.
The two spent eternity with what was left of the Wood Huggers...
All Mr.T had to say was, "I PITY YOU FOO!"
And Mr. Gatsby responded in a casual way "Hug my wood, old sport".
It's a sad tale, if ever there was one.
Another little known fact about Gatsby is that he was the creator of Woodstock (His vision fulfilled in Woodstock 1999).
[edit] Powers
Very little is known about Gatsby, except for what super powers he possessed.
- The ability to say 'Old Sport' and not look like an asshole.
- The ability to drive a car described as a penis.
- The ability to arouse someone by looking at them
- The ability to live in a world of ineffable gaudiness.
- The ability to flood his enemies in wet moonlight.
- The ability to transfrom into any animal at will.
- The ability to successfully be shot by a drunk, moronic mechanic.
- The ability to stare at green lights for long periods of time
- The ability to die of colon cancer, cause he's, like, so gay.
- The ability to throw a party and invite no one but have 100 people turn up
- The ability to have women choose over him or some other guy named Tom.
[edit] The Pretty Good Gatsby
The Pretty Good Gatsby was just like the Great Gatsby, just not as good. But he was still pretty good.
Notable differences in The Pretty Good Gatsby include a flickering orange light at the end of the dock, a man who fixes the Olympic curling championships, near-fatal accident with Myrtle, and a failed murder-suicide by Myrtle's husband on Gatsby. In the end, Gatsby lives on in a vegetative state, Myrtle's husband escapes into obscurity, and Nick wastes the rest of his life on the east coast, selling hot dogs.
[edit] About Gatsby/Methods of Disposal
In literal context of the book, Gatsby sucks almost as much dick as Brad Pitt from Matt Damon. Fitzgerald was more than likely too stoned out in his lifetime from frequent alcohol abuse, along with acid trips and LSD to realise the numerous use of literal and deep meanings within the pages. The average human brain can only recall things readily doing with drugs, sex, or violence.
During the time of reading it, many counted the longing to shoot themselves and all others around them on average approximately 23 times.
Oscar Wilde had this to say on the subject: "Why the hell are you asking me about The Great Gatsby? Get the hell out of my bathroom!"
Future readers to Gatsby have little option when arriving in the situation/tragedy of reading. In fair terms, Gatsby sucked more than a vaccum. In fact, had I the choice of reading it again or swallowing a live grenade, I'd more than likely swallow a live grenade. Anyone near you who falls under this debacle of reading this piece of shit, please bring a pistol to take care of yourself, and please don't be greedy - shoot your friends first.
[edit] The Not So Great Gatsby
Spoilers
The ideal of Gatsby fell apart in 2005 when Konami released Metal Gear Gatsby. The game involved Nick and Jay communicating by messenger pidgeon as they travelled across New York to find the resources to throw an epic party. The game became famous for its cult line "A survellience Butler!?!?" The game is currenlty out of print however due to its poor sales value and censorship due to homosexuality and the promise of "sexy online play".
A brief comment from a modern day scholar
Well what do we say about the Ol' Sport known as Jay Gatsby, he's been shot by a mad garage owner and well frankly he's totally ruined that nice shirt of his. Truth was that Nick Carraway never really liked him and that Daisy was actually a man (bet you all suspected Jordan, didn't you!) So now his house is derelict and small children write naughty words on his front step. But there is one thing that will always stick out for the humble reader of this tale. Was Gatsby Gay? Would a better title be the Gay Gatsby, I mean after all...I'd hit that! Who wouldn't?
1. Don't talk about Gatsby
2. Don't talk about Gatsby
3. Never take strange men home and put them to bed. You will wake up at the train station next day without a clue how you got there and strange slippery goo on your thighs.
