United States of America
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بِسْمِ اللّهِ الرَّحْمـَنِ الرَّحِيم
- This article has been declared Un-Islamic by your friendly neighborhood mullah.
- Imam Khomeini would have been so proud!
- Marg bar Amrika! Velayat-e faqih azadist!
- Down with The Great Satan, down with Zionists! How dare they stop us from enriching uranium!
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| At the moment this country appears to have no redeeming value and so is a candidate for deletion and/or nuking. If this country isn't improved in 7 years it may be nuked. However, this country may have potential and with a better president it could become fit to stay. Please don't remove this notice unless the country has been significantly improved. If you would like to dispute the placement of this tag, please follow these instructions. Not following them may have severe consequences. |
Billions of dollars this country has gone into debt since you started reading this.
    
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| The United States of America | |
 United Statesian flag |  United Statesian Coat of Fat Arms and Legs |
| Motto | "Blessed be the mind too small for doubt" or "We're all living in Amerika" |
 | |
| Official languages | English, Spanish, Southern Drawl |
| Government | Representative Democracy (Only kidding!!) |
| Capital | Washington. |
| Population Demographic | 350 Million. Hispanic 90%, Caucasian 9%, Jewish 1%. Fuck Knows where the Blacks have gone. |
| Religion | Anglican/Protestant, Paganism, Feminism, Roman Catholic, Bigfoot, Mormons, Bushism and Amish. |
| Monarchy | Constitutional Monarchy. Position currently vacant. |
| Opening hours | Monday–Saturday from dawn 'til midnight, Friday is ladies' night |
| Independence | Illusional, the British still own your sorry ass |
| National anthem | "Keep the Home Fires Burning, put on Another Frenchman" or "Amerika" by the soprano artists Rammstein |
| Natural Resources | Texas Tea, tree stumps, Jell-O™, prostitution, actors |
| Official Cuisine | Bacon fat, Freedom Fries, Hamburgers |
| National bird | The B-3 Bomber |
| Emperor | Her Federal Majesty Empress Bush |
| President | George W. Bush, Jr. AKA "the Monkey" |
| Prime Minister | Dr. Phil-Winfrey DDS, Ph.D. Known as "Stinky" to his friends. |
| Area | Sovereign territory claimed is er... how big is the Earth again? |
| Motto | "War Is Peace; Freedom is Slavery; Ignorance is Strength" |
| National Anime | G.I. Joe: Sigma 6 |
| Currency | Monopoly Money |
| National Sports | WAR (every year, it just keeps getting more and more exciting! Flag waving (and the BEST on THIS in the WORLD), shooting (fellow citizens), basketball, American football (complex macho-man chaos), McDonald's-ing |
| National Products | Silicon, Oil, Patriot Act, Politicians, War, Walls around the border |
| Country code Top Level Domain | .com, .org, .net, .USA, .gov, .hamburger, .coke, .halliburton, .freedom, .mx (new purchase) |
| Exports | Deported Illegal immigrants,
Silicon Black Hawks, War, Soul Food, Soul (musik), Souls (collected by reapers), Whoopass, World pollution |
| Imports | Illegal Immigrants, Oil(Lots)
Marijuana (pot) Cocaine Meth Heroin, Dept, Leaded Chinese Toys, Japanese Stuff |
| Fun Fact | The USA is an independent commonwealth of Jesusland |
| Fun Fact # 2 | Missouri Declared its independence on November. 24, 1998 And is not technically part of the USA. South Carolina did the same thing, but they got their asses kicked |
| Fun Fact # 3 | According to Jews, The USA is also known as Jewish Heaven! |
| Fun Fact # 4 | Almost the entire population of USA whines about everything. |
“We support your war of terror!”
~ Borat on America
“In America!”
~ Bandit Keith on America
“The US is actually better described as the world's cage match. Many religions come in, only one comes out!”
~ Cindy Satire on America
“I have regretted ever creating these people...”
~ God on America
“USA...the snotty, rich kid in the playground which is the world.”
~ Me on America
United States of America The United States of Amerigo Vespucci were founded in 1776 by a national act of Civil Disobedience. After chasing the disobedient colonists around North America for several years, the British gave up all hope of administering a good spanking, and returned to Europe to give the French a good hiding.
The USA (pronounced "Ooh-Sa") is bent on freeing the rest of the world by introducing "Democracy" (by force) so that their people can make free decisions (selling the USA all their oil for a mediocre price) and live in 'free doom' or just plain civil war(reference:Iraq).
The US has a reputation for turning up late for wars, however, they are getting better. They joined in for the last year of The First World War, even though nobody really understood why, the last two years of The Second World War, because it just wouldn't have been a world war without them, and now they are quite determined to start the next one themselves. They were so late in joining the Vietnam war, that before G.I Joe set foot upon south-east Asian soil, everybody had forgotten what they were fighting for.
United States National Anthem
"Keep the Home Fires Burning, put on Another Frenchman"
Is that the North Wind howling?
Or is it the cries of "freedom"?
No, it's the French cunt burning
And the men of the South turning.
Chorus
Keep the Home Fires Burning
Keep our children learning
Summon the family henchman
to put on another Frenchman
Head of State
Directly elected President elected every four years. Maximum of two terms permitted. Position currently vacant.
To apply, please send your resume stating current salary, to:
The Bildeberg Group
Switzerland
History
- Main article: Genocide
NOTE: THE BLUE STATES DON'T COUNT; THEY'RE PRETTY MUCH THEIR OWN COUNTRY.
America's history has been characterized by genocide, slavery, electing Nazis, oppression, use of nuclear bombs, endless death and fucking up other countries. Yes, this God-blessed land was discovered in 1952 by Mr. McDonald and business partner KFC, who both shared a vision of inhabiting a large country with millions of fat asses. And their infamous fast-food restaurants were never erased from history. Those fat asses would go on to star in stupid sitcoms like Friends and Will and Grace, just so the rest of the world (apart from Russia) could laugh at their low level of intelligence. Woopty-fuckin'-doo.
Today, America is a wonderful, brilliant, glorious country that consists mainly of overweight people who won't let go of their burgers. They created McDonald's, which is the reason why so many people in the world are fat (of course, being fat allows you to take a career as a sumo). Many presidents, world wide, are willing to start a petition involving the slaughter of Americans to feed the hungry people who live in poverty.
Ronald McDonald was elected emperor in 1987. After a massive McDonalds advertisement drive, the population spent an entire year's wages on Big Macs. Consequently, America's military budget shrunk to a puny $2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000, while the average American belt size swelled to a massive 60 inches. Due to the sudden increase in biomass, the world announced America to be too powerful. This was mainly due to the fear that Americans would try to leave the country and get stuck on economy airlines, where seat widths are only 24 inches, leading to planes becoming hypercramped (as opposed to merely supercramped as they are now). The resultant bodily odors would incapacitate airline staff, forcing planes to crash into more cultured parts of the world. From the crash site, any surviving Americans (considered a dangerous invasive species) would swiftly spread, contaminating previously pristine cultures and wiping out native species. See American (species)
Abridged version of American history
Early on after the discovery of North America, Hugebigots from areas in Europe migrated to USA to form the bulk of the people the new land. Bacause of this, America is even today called ' land of the bigots '.
Another theory, claim that Americans originated from monkeys in Iceland and went on to turn into fat dog-humping retards. They accidentally travelled to Mexico in search of cocaine and more dogs to hump. Soon however, they were too stupid to maintain their dog-humping traditions and instead went on to hump trees. Americans were soon able to stick their tiny cocks up anything or everything.
America originally stood for "sniff cocaine and drink wiskey," and was first discovered by a group of travelling cokeheads from mexico. They'd been hounded out of mexico for being offensive, loud-mouthed, obese, and with an inbuilt belief that they were somehow superior to everyone else (That is, simply too coked out for the mexicans to comprehend)(smokes to much pot). Upon landing, they were immediately greeted with open arms by native American Indians(who also smoked pot). As this display of hospitality was tantamount to war, the mexicans set about exterminating the lot of them and stealing all their possessions. potheads hate cokeheads, what can i say...
The British helped at first, governing these unruly mexicans and apologising to the locals "fuck you indians, you cannot read lips, what am i saying? you'll never know". Realising that this (the USA) was a horrendous mistake in the offing, they upped ships and legged it out before they were found out by the rest of the world as being the progenitors of the USA (aka Disneyland).
The Union of Stupid Aristocrats (U.S.A, pronounced You-Ess-Gay) was founded by a gaylord called George Washington in 1577 after he was blown off course by Hurricane (insert your mom's name here) while finding Nemo. He never did.
Ever since the USA has tried to actually govern itself (often by creating a common enemy to bomb). This classic mistake has led to them continually needing a helping hand from Britain (who feels responsible, somehow and treats it as an errant child). Often by going along on USA's more disastrous adventures.
The USA is famous for their stupid Americans. They are all brainwashed, making them serve the so called "president/Prime Minister", a half monky, half human creature fond of drawing things in his sketchbook, when he is not having his daily private tuition. Americans eat lot of unhealthy food and grow fatter each day. They think they are the leading military power in the world and try to prove it through war against innocent people and nations.
Even more abridged version of US history
Puritans, Tea, War, War, n00bs, War, Factories, Poor, War, Rich, War, Hippies, War, Not quite as poor as last time, Rich, Poor, , 9/11, War, Other war that is supposed to be part of the last one, , Guns, Jesus, War, Some casual bombing, War caused by casual bombing, Dubya
American Culture (or lack thereof)
- Main article: American Culture (an empty, but extremely accurate, article)
The U.S. is a "united" commonwealth populated by Republicans and illegal immigrants. Americans claim that their nation is favored by God, an allegation God vehemently denies.
Despite the relatively large geographic area, there are few museums or other repositories of culture and art to be found in the U.S. The government started the Library of Congress which quickly filled up with porn and Mad Magazines. The Smithsonian Institute is the U.S.'s most popular museum as it holds artifacts from old U.S. television shows. There is also a small museum of straws in Tennessee. The Southern United States keeps its heritage alive at the Great Library of Alexandria, and the Getty Museum in Los Angeles holds the U.S.'s collection of stolen works from other countries. There are no plans for any more collections that do not include toys from McDonald's happy meals.
Cultural activities for the average American typically involve ingesting huge quantities of Coke, which they are forced to drink cold--and it is a wonderful drink which proves how glorious and majestic America as.
The visitor is cautioned not to mention the name "Yu Es Ehy" to an inebriated American. "Yu Es Ehy" was a Chinese woman who is said to have had a mad affair with former American Rockstar John Lennon, thereby infuriating American senior citizens at large. They are often seen vehemently chanting her name at various sporting events. While, from an anthropological viewpoint, this display is fascinating to watch, it has also been known to be the cause of The Great 1927 Riot of Poughkeepsie, NY. The observer is cautioned to beware of his/her surroundings at all times, especially if they are of Chinese ancestry.
It is interesting to notice that people from United States of America call the country America, which is the name of the whole continent which the U.S. lies on. It proves that United Statesians (as they should properly be called) lack geographical knowledge, want to conquer the world, and/or are just a bunch of stupid fat ass Homer Simpsons and Michael Browns. Or Canada and Mexico are just thought of as insignificant (like everyone else does), just like the rest of the world is.
And remember, being stupid is not a privilege. It is a right protected by the US Constitution Amendment of 1984.
Being a fat ass, however, is a privilege. The United Statesian Emperor has the power to revoke said privilege at any time, under USC 900.64; violators will be towed to the nearest detention camp at owner's expense.
It is often assumed that the denominations of Christianity in the U.S. make it the most common religion in the country. However, all "Americans" actually practice the "economic state turn personal and spiritual religious sacrifice" of "Capitalism." Most people follow this religion unaware that they are doing so (this is due to the overwhelmingly mandated need for $$$..) Nonetheless, the entire culture is gradually infected by the greed and overconsumption until the little green pieces of paper become the gross currency idol which symbolizes all the pestilential evils of the contemporary Roman Empire.
The country is ruled by a president who, by constitutional law, must be an old white landowning male. He holds supreme power in one hand and a mind control pill in the other.
As they have a carefully set up form of democracy where voting is not compulsory, most Americans will only vote if there's nothing good on TV. And with "quality" shows like Family Guy, American Idol, Punk'd and Flavor of Love, they won't be voting anytime soon.
This ability of voters to vote is called referendum, or ref for short. These refs closely monitor all competitions and carefully regulate what's allowed to be said and what's not. America has become an Oceania-like continent, in this respect.
Cultural diversity has had a huge role in the fostering of American society. Goths, typically garbed in black clothing with the orientation of "bi", make up for the most depressed 10% of society. The preps or jocks beat them up, which is reminiscent of American history. The Indians were persecuted because of their Hindu beliefs and bovine worshiping. When the Founding Fathers came over on the Union Pacific Railroad from Africa, they settled New York and formed an anti-Parisian legislature. They then began the slow and steady holocaust of the Indian folk, and pushed them west towards the Indian Ocean. Afterwards, they all had a Samuel L. Jackson beer, named for Samuel L. Jackson, the leader and proprietor of the Sons of Liberty, a hokey third generation partisan clan of feathered tar babies. He is mostly known for having had it with those motherfucking snakes on that motherfucking plane. World renowned historian Thomas Lunden quotes, "Sam Jackson was the drink of the day. After they rid the world of tea forever, they kicked back a cold one and make fun of all the stupid Tories."
Classic American pasttimes include football, drinking beer, making teenage girls anorexic (then making them fat when they're older), shooting allies, and the the most boring sport in the world, lacrosse.
The U.S. is also known to as the Land of Weenies and Whores.
Notable American Achievements
An American citizen managed to get out of his armchair on only his fifth attempt. Have been awardeded the IRPP (Independent Red Potatoe Prize)
- They invented "idiots"
- They invented "complaining"
- They invented "pessimism"
- They invented "terrorism"
- They invented "whining"
- They invented "bullying people"
- They invented "friendly fire"
- They invented "consistently inconsistent"
- They invented "obesity"
- They invented "the eating Olympics"
- They invented "collateral damage"
- They invented "shit happens"
- They invented "shit happens too often"
- They invented "when shit happens you go and get some nukes"
- They invented "the deep throat"
- They invented "the xylophone music lovers club"
- They invented "bend down and grease over"
- They invented "We Fuck Iraq 'till Iran will do it for us"
- They invented "Brokeback Mountain"
- They invented "Al Gore" (Who invented the internet)
- They invented "Ann Coulter the Supreme Cunt"
- They invented "Blue Screen of Death (BSoD)"
- They invented "Oprah Winfrey"
- They invented "Canada jokes"
- They invented "101 ways to fuck up this world"
- They invented "balding"
- They invented "Capitalism"
- They invented "evil"
For more see List Of American Fuck Ups
Military
The US military is among the best biggest in the world. It is an stop-lossed all volunteer force equipped with the best armor in the world armor matching hats and well maintained vehicles vehicles boots, supported by little stickers on SUVs Republicans the American people to follow the unlawful orders of the slow-witted hillbilly Commander in Chief.
War and the Americans
The US came into existence when the British gave up in The American War of Independence, their Viet Nam: the Brits were trying to control a country a long way away, about which we knew next to nothing, in their own country. It's a good thing Americans are not so stupid as to fight similar wars, in Iraq, Afghanistan and Viet Nam.
The Americans were fueled after their success in the war of Independence against the British, but got beat down a few yeas later by the British in the war of 1812. Ever since that Americans have been trying to compensate for their defeat by starting shit with every country (but only if they're small and unorganized...yet the yanks still fuck up) who dared carry a different philosophy: that is any nation that doesn't like Starbucks or greasy fat people with shit for brains.
Also 1 of May is widely celebrated by American people as a Victory over Hitler's Vietnam in 1905 when the nuclear bomb was dropped on the Italian city of Paris. People wave flags on that day and eat hotdogs and drink coca-cola. Russians drink vodka at the same day to celebrate the fact that Americans are getting fatter. British celebrate the bombings of Paris. So does the rest of the world.
Very recently rumours are rising about the invision of martians, now some of their special agents have taken control over military bases area 51 and area 51-A. But no matter how advanced martian technology is, the chain is just as strong as his weakest link. And fortunatly for humanity the weak spot of the martians is their condoleeza rice-teeth-fetish. White house officials have stated that miss rice is being offered to the martians as a sign of peace! Peace, they say! OMG, i would be offended for sure, but ah well guess i ain't a martian. wht?
Politics (or lack thereof)
The American Government is modeled after that of the Galactic Republic. Each of the states, plus Coca-Cola, McDonalds, Wal-Mart and the world of crime (in thanks for being influential in politics) sends one ambassador to the senate. These ambassadors are given the title 'Jar Jar' and are required by law to refer to themselves as 'Meesa' and their fellow ambassadors as 'Yousa'.
The President, when sworn in, is required to promised that he will strive to follow in the footsteps of the glorious Palpatine. He serves for a term of four years or until he is killed by his asthmatic underling. He rules from the Death Star (which a hot air balloon tethered over Washington). The current president, George W. Bush, is currently under criticism for behaving less and less like Palpatine and for hiding in a treehouse throughout the Hurricane Katrina disaster. Needless to say, the President's poll numbers fell dramatically, but rose again once he had the previous pollsters frozen in Carbonite.
Technically the United States is a dictatorship, since all branches of the government are controlled by the President. But it is called a democracy because people can do whatever they please, which usually is limited to such activities such as blowing monkeys, buying accordion music CD's, worshiping their Lord Lady Atima and running over each other in their huge SUV's, which is hardly ever a threat to the power structure. Bill Clinton was the first president to have his blowjob in the Oval Office publicized, yet it is commonly supported knowledge that every president receives a tax-free blowjob in the Oval Office after their inauguration by the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or Monica Lewinsky. The legislature, also known as the "House of Whisperers" is divided into two branches.
Every country in the world is reputed to hate the USA mainly due to the fact the USA has bombed them all but also because of the blatant cockism of all Americans. Because of this all attempts of politics perused by America is a sham. Also the ruler being a monkey does not help. A recent poll has shown that America is the worst country ever and has been chosen as the first country to be flown into space all of the worlds scientists are working on the technology to do this. It has been rumoured that America may find out how to do this first but this has been seen as bullshit because all of their scientific discoveries were stolen from the Canadians and this rumour was probably started by one of the American politicians, to be sure all of them were shot and their heads placed on spikes around the white house to deter any further attempts on politics by the Americans. As a short term solution the British have begun building a wall around the USA but there attempts are slowed by the constant barrage of terrorists trying to blow up the USA hitting the wall. Many scientists concur through history that American politicians are retards that like to screw everything up in this world. American leaders are known to be able to send thousands to their deaths in "Where the fuck am I?" land.
In the pipeline for 2008, the US Department of State plans to urgently bring 'American Peace and Democracy' to the international crisis regions of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Venezuela and Norway. A spokesman for the State Department recently said that the US additionally remains 'deeply concerned' with the human rights conditions of Baku in Russia, Scotland and Western Australia. And specifically the offshore parts.
The discredited Domino Theory that was a cornerstone of American foreign politics in the past, is now long forgotten and it's been replaced with the contemporary and complex Lego Theory ('You can build anything with Lego').
US President/Prime Minister
The President of USA is currently a semi-intelligent monkey by the name of George w. Bush..... junior. His blind faith, megalomania, ignorence, poor geography skills, complete lack of general knowledge and inability to pronounce anything is astounding. And the fact that the inhabitants of the USA are only starting to realize his incompetency is a perfect example of their intellectual capability.
The US president/Prime Minister is selected based on how close he looks like an orangutan, the latest one in particular is a prize winning monkey. The masses all gather together to vote, And the Person with the most votes loses. Americans feel good knowing that their vote matters and that democracy works. Fox News is the national mascot. Leader of Fox News is an orangutan that goes by the name "Oh'Really"- He is famous notably for his friendly catchprase: "SHUT UP".
American "Geography"
- For more information about American cities and states, see the main article: American city-states
There are 22 penises (but sadly only one hand) in the USA Map. But they're all short.
The Geography of the USA consists of mostly land. Although some lakes and rivers exist inside but these are mostly inhabited by Native American fishtails.
The circles on the above map show high concentrations of idiocy, obesity, idleness and other such American traits.
Language
The official languages of the United States of America are Newspeak, Texan, a mixture between Mandarin and Spanish developed by Francis the Fart in mid 17th century, and Propaganda, with a minority of people speaking ghetto slang:
The west-side dialect:"Smoke some bloods and pop some caps, i hizzeard that shitnizzle all up in the four way ya nah? Those cracker frackers be all up in ym grill drinking gin 'n juice ma fucka? ya heard?"
The east-side dialect:"Fizzle Dizzle ma Nizzle fo Shizzle, he Mizzled ma Girlizzle all up i ma Bedizzle, made a Messizzle now my Bedizziles all Stickizzle"
Whitie cracka's:"Boi! Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? Ya nah wha im sayin? DO Ya nah wha im sayin????"
The Rest:"Sex, Duh... ... ... ... ..."
A minor second language, "Not my mother tongue" is spoken by angsty Germans. Inexplicably, despite not residing in the Americas they all still live there.
There is debate amongst the member states of the UN as to whether America actually controls the organization. This is, of course, complete nonsense as it is common forbidden knowledge that the Illuminati controls the UN along with every other international organization.
The average American does not have an opinion as to who controls the UN because they don't realize they're actually people on the other side of the oceans. A common misconception, one that undoubtedly everyone has heard at one time or another, is that languages are the prime barriers in communication.
The Free Masons get around this by not speaking a spoken language, rather by speaking an unspoken language that they don't have to speak. The Free Masons control the world, and they regulate the languages and words that are allowed to be filtered into society.
Noted botanist George Orwell writes, "I don't know what this Newspeak is, but I don't like it."
“I don't know who George Orwell is.”
The People of USA
There are many different people living in the wasteland of USA though all are boring, stupid, lack humour, and whine all day long. Except George W. Bush (Classified as "That Fucking Evil Idiot" by an english dictionary). Some of the inhabitants are: whiners, fat whores, homosexual retards, fat asses,Indians, KKK, White men, Africans, Black Men, Yellow men, Bea Arthur, Blue men, Swedes, Chinese, Republicans, Homosexuals, Fags, Illegal immigrants, Legal immigrants, Red men, the French, Greys (a small colony on Area 51), Arabs, Idiots, This guy, Your Mom, Jesus freaks, Armadillos, Satanists, Pokemon, GI Joe, Rednecks, Liberals, White trash, between others.
However, the following are considered vital for the nation's progress, explaining why America is going backwards: Mormons, Mexicans, Mafia, Mobsters, Amish, The very important sect of NRA, Gangstas, Black Panthers, Pink Panthers, Translucent Panthers, Founding Fathers, Hippies, Capitalists, Nazis, Capitalists, Lawyers, Paranoid Policemen, Michael Moore
And of course, the pathetic: Cowboys, Feds, Spooks, Men in Black, Car salesmen, Actors,
And the "good people", often portrayed as bad: African Americans, Asian Americans, European Americans, American Americans,Native Americans, grahamtopolis, Jesusland, Caucasians,Communists... not to forget the furries!!!!!!!!!!!
Woooeey.
Culture
Thanks to iniciatives taken by US president George "bam bam" Bush, Americans have become interested in learning about the terra incognita they call "the world". They have been recently interested in high cultures like, arts and other languages. In fact, the average American speaks -3 languages. All thanks to the new program entitled Educayshun. Also, the index of physically fit Americans has risen to 98%. This was probably achieved by renaming the standard for a healthy figure to that of a adult blue whale. Another part of American culture is to whine. Americans are known to be whiners as they have no appreciation at all. Whatever good thing you give them, they'll just call it stupid and complain and hate everything. Yeah, they're that terrible.
National Philosophy
U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!
1914-1920: If you don't like America = Bloodsucking German.
1945-1990: If you don't like America = Bloodsucking Communist.
2001-present: If you don't like America = Bloodsucking Oh-sa-muh Byn lahdun friend.
People with turbans: Dangerous. Solution: Attack and conquer them, make them democracies even if they don't want to be.
Attitude toward traffic signs
Anti-signitism is a significant problem in America, with as many as 15,000 American signs falling victim to hate crimes each day. Psychologists have postulated that this hate stems from the average American's inability to follow the lead of another.
Several organizations, such as The United Traffic Sign Association (UTSA) have been formed to bring an end to such inequality. However, this isn't seen as enough by many and certain traffic signs are calling for drastic measures.
Driving
Tourists from more civilized realms should remember that American motorists have a tendency to drive on the right (i.e. wrong according to self-righteous Britons) side of the "highway" - or road as it's more properly called.
Law mandates that slower moving traffic must stick to the left-hand lanes on the freeway (motorway). Turn signals (indicators) must not be used and driving through red lights is compulsory. Cars have been deprecated in favor of SUVs, which must get less than 25 miles per gallon. In California, minimum speed limits of 75 MPH are enforced on the freeway by invisible radar traps. The correct way to greet another road user is a long blast on the horn followed by a friendly "fuck you, asshole!"
After the War of Independence, the "Yankees" adopted this new protocol in imitation of the French, whom they clearly admire so much, and in gratitude for the statue of a lady with a torch. 'Oh, thank you, Frenchies.' Americans of the day cried. 'You're so cool, and all, that we're going to copy your independent ways. P.S. Don't forget to call us if ever you're in trouble.'
Driving on the right made the British very cross and grumpy. The British King George the Third shook his fist and shouted "Grrr, damn you, get over to the other side of the road!". Before he was hit by a huge SUV being driven by a fat American who was to busy munching his McDonald's and reading his car manual upside down to notice George's fat Royal head. Oh, how he cried!
Teenagers may commence drivers-education at 14 years, 8 months and 7 days. At this point they are forced to read a six page handbook (probably the greatest difficulty for any aspiring driver during the whole educational program.)
Foreign Policy
United Statesian foreign policy is often limited to wiping their enormous dicks all over the faces of their enemies and naysayers. Generally, people and countries who do not agree with this philosophy "have small wieners, are gay, are French, or have ulterior motives". Most often, policies include various combinations of "Blow the fuckers up!" and "Make jokes based on stereotypes".
- Jokes about the English should involve references to teeth and the NHS, because it is a true fact that all English people have yellow teeth and the Americans don't have the NHS because they spend all their money on big macs and orthodontic work instead (thus, if they get ill, they will die) (that last bit is true). Including you.
- Joke involving the Scottish is that they are the drink lots of beer and scotch, which is true and not really a bad thing.
- Jokes about the French should involve references to freedom and not supporting the USA destroy the world.
- New Federal Law mandating that the everything be stripped of the adjective "French" and replaced with "freedom", people found violating the law were put to death or exiled to to the freedom city of Paris.
Recently, in the "Department for Foreign Policy and Useless Bombings", a new director was introduced. It is a well-known person, one of the leading experts in geopolitics and international affairs: Paris Hilton. Her first move was to ensure that every bomb that drops from US planes drops with style. After introducing the world's first designer laser guided bomb named simply Chanel No. 5, Paris continued to promote style in making war too. Now every soldier wears Armani helmets and pink camo, and promotes freedom in those horrible "outfashioned" ex-commie proterrorist antigravitational countries like Canada and Australia.
The USA has a unilateral agreement with the United Kingdom that the UK's military hardware will be used for bombing practice and disposing of excess ordinance, during co-operative military operations. This happens to be the reason that World War II broke out; when Germany noticed that it had experienced 90% losses in training practice with the USA. During the training exercise blacks were used.
America at War (Scorecard)
Current Wars
- War on Terrorism (America vs. everybody else)
Wins - All Alone
- Civil War (America vs. itself)
- Panama War of 1989 (It should be noted Panama wasn't prepared. It was a surprise attack by America)
- Year of 2009 (America vs. Bush)
- Pequot War
- Narragansett War
- Apache wars
- Cheyenne wars
- Sioux wars
- Cherokee wars
- Cherokee removal
- Seminole wars
- Seminole removal
- Creek wars
- Creek Removal
( notice a pattern? )
- Chickasaw wars
- Chickasaw removal
- Choctaw wars
- Choctaw removal
- Iroquois wars
- Iroquois removal
- 1848 war with Mexico
- Spanish American war, late 1890s
- War on west africa to take slaves
Wins - With Allies
- Revolutionary War (America with the help of France vs. Britain)
- World War I (Allies with some help of America vs. Central Powers)
- World War II (Allies with some (late) help of America vs. Axis Powers)
(Editor's Note): It seems the author was suffering from syphillis-related insanity considering that he/she (most likely a she given the utter lack of reasoning) believes The Allies won with "late" help (if you can call entering the war for 4 years 'late') of America. In truth the Allies mainly consisted of more competent-intact or exiled-Eastern European forces (compared to the rest of free Eur...whoops), while the heathen's only contributing state was a bombed out and depleted Britain. Oh and parts of Eastasia.
- Gulf War (America some allies and the blessing of UN vs. Iraq)
Ties
- War of 1812 (America vs. Britain (again))
- Korean War (America vs. Chinese commies)
Proxy Wars
- Afghanistan war, 1980s (Osama bin Laden on our side)
- Indonesia, 1970s
- Zaire, 1960s
- The Congo, 1900s
- Iraq, 1950s
- Cuba, 1950s
- Iran, 1950s-70s
- Argentina
- Chile
- Guatemala
- China vs Japan, 1930s
- just about every other damn country on the planet
Losses
- Civil War (America vs. itself)
- Vietnam War (America vs. Vietcong)
Unreal Wars
- Cold War (No one's win. Commies realized the inherent paradox of communism)
Wars America Is in the Process of Losing
- Iraq War (America vs. towelheads)
Wars America Is in the Process of Starting
- Sandnigger War (America vs. Persian Empire)
Music
The United States are a clever people (source needed), which is exemplified by the fact that even though there are very poor ghetto areas such as Compton, Buffalo, Fun Central, Queen, and the lost city of Atlanta, the poverty-stricken black people of these areas are very fond of creating music, such as rap, blues, and since Katrina that 'Under the Sea' song from 'The Little Mermaid'. These forms of music are appreciated by people throughout the world, and so the States have managed to import money indirectly from their disgusting poverty levels.
Michael Jackson is also an important figure in American music, having such hits as, Thriller, Man In The Mirror, and I Like Sex With Little Boys. He also performed with R. Kelley on a hit single with in 2000 called I Want To Pee On You. Michael Jackson is a legendary performer, and is widely applauded all over America as having set the world record for molesting more children than any other person, surpassing the record set by Rush Limbaugh in 1982 and tied by Geraldo Rivera in 1997. His Neverland Ranch situated at his underground lair in California is considered the largest pedophilia paradise outside of the jurisdiction of the Land Of Disney, which currently has America and Europe under complete control. In 1989 Michael Jackson became the first African American to become white by voluntary surgical procedure. Michael Jackson's role in American music includes the creation of the National Anthem, titled "God Save My Record Contract".
Due to the increasing number of Mexican Illegal Immigrants entering the United States, the national Anthem has been rewritten and the first words "Oh, Say can you see" have been changed to "José, can you see."
Correction: American music is not mainly "rap", but mainly "crap."
Crime
America's crime rates are very low - the States rank second in North America (north of the Mexican border). These rates, exemplary to the rest of the developed world, are thanks to America's level of personal safety, which is guaranteed by every citizen owning one or more guns.Therefore, the safest place in the USA is Texas. Detroit is also the safest city in America.
An alternative theory has been suggested by crazy scientists that had been drinking too much night. The theory states that: By creating laws, you create criminals, so by removing laws, you eliminate criminals. Therefore there is such a great opposition to gun control, as it will make everyone who owns a gun a criminal. However, this theory has been dismissed as being a freedom conspiracy to make the rest of the world look better.
American crime is very different from other nations, in that their are many different organized gangs that control the provincial lands. The Vice Lords, the 18th Street Gang, the Costra Nostra, the Jackson 5 and the Butthole Banditos are among the most powerful. These gangs are fiercely territorial and engage in such illicit activities such as armed robbery, extortion, voting, backyard liposuctions and manufacturing illegal sugarbabies. They control a vast majority of local governments through the sale of LSD and key lime pie.
The current president George W. Bush is expected to be sentenced to 798 years in a high-security prison shortly after his presidency is over.
Sexuality
Americans are so prudish, they even keep their clothes on when taking a shower. Except for people in the confederacy, who without exception are sexual perverts fascinated with their limitless exertion of power. A woman giving milk to her baby on TV is pornography. A rape scene or a crime scene is entertainment. The President is granted the right, under the 440th amendment to the Constitution, to have sex with any woman he wants. This includes the homeless, vagrants and people in nursing homes. The American people completely support this power, and a poll done in 2001 showed 68% of the American population wanted the president to have sex with them, a clear indication of what a majority of the nation finds sexy. Fat obese women are a staple of the American sexual diet, and it is common to see women who have FUPA's (Fat Upper Pussy Area) protruding from their pants. These are sex robots created by Enron to entice the public to, "Find a fold and fuck it!"
Science
Americans are a notoriously superstitious people. According to a recent gallup poll, only 7% of Americans believe in gravity, while 79% believe "God is keeping them on the ground with his vast mental powers," and 10% remain undecided. Canada however still believes that American politicians are stupid assholes, which turned out to be true.
Most scientists believe that most Americans are too stupid to excel at anything academically and turn out to be abusive alcoholics. This was concluded while running tests on Homer Simpson, the "Perfect American"
A recent debate arose in the Kansas school system as to whether teachers should teach evolution alongside the fact of creationism. A nasty little document called the Constitution of the United States of America - something to do with absolute freedom for all - screwed everything up. The debate became so heated that the creationists began flinging their poop at outsiders to mark their territory. In Reatilation the Scientologists all flocked to the schools, and Tom Cruise gave everyone some cookies and a book called "Hitchhikers Guide to Scientology" An autobiography written by Karl Marx in 2389.
Education
Most American children begin their studies bright and young at 12 years of age. At this point they learn arithmetic, pornography and gun safety. The life expectancy for an average public school student is four months after enrollment in the high school system (slightly higher than the life expectancy at Iwo Jima or Omaha Beach.) To the left is an excerpt taken from a eleventh year American Geography text book, Earth:America and Friends. The publishing company was forced to recall the textbook, due to several complaints of "vary hard homework and lots to think." It was soon replaced with the revised edition, Earth: America.
Several educational commitees representing America's teachers met in 2005 to discuss the required readings for the 2006-2007 semesters from grades 1 through 12. Below is a list of required readings for the juniors (11th grade).
- The Wheels on the Bus
- The Kid's Guide to Money
- Put me in the Zoo
- Bambi
- Go, Dog, Go!
- The Real Mother Goose
Following is a list of books proposed and later rejected by the commitees along with the reasons for rejection.
- The Lord of The Rings Trilogy (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
- John Locke's Treatises on Government (Reason for rejection is self explanatory)
- American Geography Textbook (see above)
- Official Rules of Badminton (Contains references to a non-American sport)
- Star Wars: The Novelization (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
- All You Need is Love (Reason for rejection is self explanatory)
- War and Peace (Contains one or more words larger than seven letters)
- Star Trek was created by communists (they would find it hard to belive)
The average American IQ is around -76 meaning most Americans can open doors quite easily (sliding doors pose a higher difficulty rating).
Food
The average amount of caca (NeoEnglish for food) eaten a day by a average America citizen is 16, which all consists of 40 cokes 40 big macs and 40 live Arabs (if there are no Arabs around Mexicans are just as nice, how ever Canadians are much sought for). All meals consist of that all but one is full drugs, like Cloraton which is a harsh corrosive drug to clean attires and help bowl movements. The average American weighs over 40 cows, that's nearly 50 COWS (500 lbs)! Not to mention CRACK the main item consumed ( drug ).
Americans also eat very thin slices of starch, which have the purpose of holding together as much fat as they can for intake, French fries (also called cootch-up when made with menstrual blood, a regional delicacy) which they call "Freedom fries" since they all have a fanatic obsession for the word "Freedom", and because they are jealous of Ze French. THEN their old geezers in white coats conduct "studies", the combined results of which conclude that we are all actually dead. Making all Americans Necrophliacs, Paris Hilton especially.
Some popular choices of fast food, which 123% of Americans (the 23% are mexicans and other):
and any other health affecting foods.
Sport
For more information, see Plagarism
American sport generally consists of European sports that have been illegally downloaded for use in the USA. Despite numerous copyright infringements, no legall alegation has yet been brought against America, largely due to their controll of the United Nations.
One popular sport that was invented in America is Walking, though it is considered a eccentricity in Europe and a neccesity in the Third World. Walking is attempted only by proffesional athletes, many of whom have, after years of training attained Body Mass indexes lower than their IQs. During a game of Walking, the contestants have to climb out of their minivans and attempt to reach the nearest McDonalds before heart faliureoccurs. The winner is, in theory, the first to reach the restuarant, though in practice it is usualy the one who is resusitated in the least amount of time.
Methods of knowing you are in the USA
<------- This is a common American Sex Robot. It has been in use since 1898 and still gets a good run.
- If they enjoy doing the wrong things.
- If the people are pessimistic towards everything.
- If the people do not have common sense.
- They cannot appreciate anything.
- Opinions do not apply.
- If they grumble and grumble and grumble and grumble...
- If they hate everything.
- If they complain over every little thing.
- If they curse you and laugh at you and are heartless towards you.
- Remember when Russia sent troops into Georgia and everyone in atlanta freaked out.
- You think popularity is measured in how many people want to kill you.
- You have a green card lottery...
- "Love it or leave it" gives you the freedom to never complain. Except about immigration, gays, petrol prices or liberals.
- If you ask where you are they will say:
- "America", and if you ask what's to the south they won't know.
- "I don't know". Then it's obvious that you're in America.
- Continuous earthquakes (it is San Andreas Fault in California and fat peoples' fault everywhere else)
- Catching a ball without a ten foot glove is met with cries of amazement.
- Dumb luck is considered ironic.
- A nation of immigrants outraged by new immigration is not considered ironic.
- People scream blue murder when petrol reaches 10 cents a gallon.
- Petrol evaporates and becomes harmless "Greenhouse Gas".
- People find it "Niiice to meet you!!!".
- The closest human contact is a handshake (immediately followed by thorough cleansing of the hands).
- When you say your country from origin, and they respond with "is that near the wal-mart down 895?".
- The current president is a monkey.
- Wal-Mart is the cultural "hang-out spot".
- When you tell someone you're from Brazil, they ask if you live in a tree and have a pet monkey.
- Someone shoots you.
- You just completley and utterly ignore exchange rates and then pretned it's 4 times the value it actually is.
- The average high school student believes that calculus "is when you use calculators."
- You find a woman that looks like the one on the right. She does not have to look the same, but has to be just as fat.
- You go to the movies and the guy asks "Would you like butter with your butter flavoured popcorn?"
- You insist that because someone wears a towel on their head, they have a bomb strapped to them, and so you jump out of the taxi.
- People think you're a leprechaun when you tell them you're Irish.
- People keeps telling you that Indonesia is a part of Bali.
- Racism can only be joked by black people, or "African Americans".
- People take the elevator to get some much needed exercise.
- Your leader is a moron
- You think any country that has a royal family is a political monarchy.
- Your moronic leader is chosen by some group of people no one has heard of called "The Electoral College."
- Being well-traveled means you once crossed into the next state.
- The whiteness of your teeth denotes your value to society.
- You can't live without arrogance to other nations.
- You are a living proof of how evolution can go backwards.
- People burn your flag.
- You burn Iraq's flag.
- You think blondes are attractive, while they are really dumb.
- You start laughing while watching "King of the Hill."
- You can't watch anime on TV without the onigiris becoming "edible triangles", the guns becoming Nerf guns and the blood becoming Kool-Aid.
- Every map or globe has an enormous picture of America surrounded by questions marks and the words "here be dragons."
- Everybody complains about their elected leader but elect him again anyway. But it doesn't matter because all the alternatives are just as bad. (Example: 2004 Presidential Election. George Dubya Bush again? Are you a fucking idiot?)
Extra Method #1: The cheese is poisoned
- When your Votes don't get counted.
- Fat people are considered the same as normal people and are not spat on and hated but are instead celebrated and given awards and television airtime.
- No-one can put on a realistic foreign accent to save their lives.
- You couldn't locate Australia on a map for your life.
- Fried chicken is considered gourmet food.
- When there are an abnormal amount of retards (most residing in Montana or Idaho), which is considered normal in the USA.
- When racism is the law.
- You got lost in a large farm field,.. 2 seconds later you have a sawed off shotgun in your mouth, and a redneck looking at you while chewing grass
- You meet someone who thinks 2+2=5.
- You meet someone who talks like someone in a Dick and Jane book.
- You're too stupid to realize that French fries actually originated from Belgium.
- You cannot distinguish libertine and libertarians.
- "Freedom of religion" actually means "free to worship the majority religion ONLY."
- Everyone on the street has a catchphrase. Except you, so everyone laughs about you but not about your jokes. You may also get shot.
- You write a long article at Uncyclopedia about how rotten the USA is, while getting pissed if people question your patriotism. (See Liberals).
- Fat people are the porn artists.
- No one can spell "colour" or "favour" properly. In fact, no one can speel anything.
- Whenever a foreign country lights up a match you instantly panic.
- You are completely unable to locate any other country on a map.
- Your biggest dilemma of the day is "KFC or McDonald's?"
- After a pint of beer you feel dizzy, after 2 you feel drunk, after 3 you cannot feel anything, after 4 you're in hospital.
- You actually think American brewed beer tastes good.
- The size of your TV is directly proportional to the amount of debt your in.
- Nobody has any passion for sport.
- Everyone is unbelievably passionate about lunch.
- Lunch is actually called dinner and dinner is called supper.
- America's Slogan: WE are the World.
- When people look down on hitting your kid when they need it.
- There are no roundabouts.
- Everyone pronounces all the R's in every word - even in words that contain no R's.
- Everyone around you are fat, stupid, ugly pigs!
- People support ANYTHING that is anti-communist.
- Everyone pronounces the word "nuclear", nukular and they say it because they're leader says so.
- Most people realize (erronously) that 1+1= fish
Meathods of knowing you're not in the USA
- you used the word petrol in list above
- you try to speak English and your accent sounds like a mediocre combination of German and French (OH BRITANIA! BRITANIA RULE THE WAVES!!!)
- you actually understood what was in parenthesis
- you accuse me of being American
Related Pages
- Asshole
- Evil
- Pessimism
- American
- American (species)
- Americanese
- United States Government
- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives
- Canada
- United States Declaration of Independence
- New World Order
- Nike Revolution of 2006
- Cuisine of the United States
External links
- Marry An American, a dating to rescue liberal Americans by encouraging single Canadians to marrying those seeking to escape from the U.S. following the
20002004United States Presidential Election of 2008.
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