The Guardian

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The first Berliner edition

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The Guardian is a daily newspaper for pinkos, Far Left Fascists and associated commie scum. Guardian readers like muesli, are vegetarians, ~~think~~ know they should run the world (unlike Daily Mirror readers who think they run the world and Times readers who actually do), and work in local government. Originally called the "The By 'eck it's grim up t'North 'ere in Manchester Guardian" and then the "Communist Manifesto", it is sold in France under the title 'Le Monde'.

1 History
2 Format
3 Editiorial Policy
4 Distrbution
5 A Guide to Guardianese
6 Editors and columnists, past and present
- 6.1 Past editors
- 6.2 Famous columnists
7 See also
8 External Links

[edit] History

"The By 'eck it's grim up t'North 'ere in Manchester Guardian" began life as a tabloid in 1933 as the Party newsletter for the Blackshirts (the comedically unsuccessful fascist organisation lead by Oswald Mosley. In 1939 it was taken over by the Confederation of British Industry whilst still retaining its right-wing editorial policy and tabloid format. In the immediate post-war years its campaigns against the NHS and the welfare state (being set up by British Prime Minster John Cleese at the time) struck a chord with the recently-demobbed soldiers who held the view that they didn't just fight a war so that "Work-shy layabouts and Malingerers could take all my money". This led a period where the "The By 'eck it's grim t'up North 'ere in Manchester Guardian" was the best-selling British daily newspaper.

However, ailing sales led to its sale in 1964 to Rupert Murdoch's News Corp where it was relaunched as "The Guardian". The changes did not help the circulation however, and in 1969 it was sold to Arthur Scargill's National Union of Whiners. At this point, the newspaper became a broadsheet. Observer presses were used during the week and the two papers were now merged together at the senior executive levels.

The editorial content of the paper was made more elitist and the rough edges knocked off (initially remaining loyal to the Conservatory Party) and the circulation increased, particularly when the Tits on Two feature changed, on its first anniversary in 1970, from being a glamour pin-up to a Polly Toynbee column, although "Tits on Two" was not a daily feature at first.

In the two 1974 elections, the paper's attitude to the Conservatory Party was "agnostic", according to Roy Greenslade in Press Gang (2003); the then editor, Alastair Hetherington, was originally from a Tory background, with a capitalist upbringing. Deputy editor Peter Preston was an upper-class (although not committed) Trot. Both Hetherington and Preston were essentially bound by the decisions of Arthur Scargill, who decided to back Labour.

As the Labour government limped on and declined in popularity, the The Guardian's editorial stance became sympathetic to the Labour Party. By 1978 The Guardian had overtaken its erstwhile stablemate The Daily Telegraph in circulation, partly thanks to remorseless advertising on the BBC, voiced by newsreader John Humphrys. From 1981, the Guardian used its science section as a promotional tool to increase its circulation still further.

One of its more famous quotes was formed during the 1987 UK General Election, which after John Major's famous victory, the paper claimed "IT WOZ THE GRAUNIAD WOT LOST IT"

[edit] Format

The Guardian's old logo.

The Berliner format is a slightly smaller version of the original format, written in a different font. As this is clearly the most exciting thing to have happened in the history of the world, the contents of the Guardian have been altered as follows:

Front Page - Banner advert for The Guardian
News - A thorough investigation of all newspapers
Media - A review of the British, European and International media, with a particular look at British broadsheets
Advertising - Your chance to enjoy once more those 3,000 adverts for The Guardian
Editorial - The editor explains why moving to the BERLINER FORMAT is the most significant cultural event in the history of the world
Comments and Clarifications
An apology for everything written in The Guardian

It is believed that the new-format Guardian is known as a Berliner (German = Donut) due to the fact that its new look has established the paper as light, fluffy and sugar-coated. It is nevertheless fundamentally flawed in having a hole in the middle.

[edit] Editiorial Policy

The Guardian is always a day late in its news, because the columnists have to read yesterday's Times before adding a champage socialist spin on it. To offset this, the publishers put the date of the events back 48 hours. Instead of reporting news a day late, they can claim they've beaten everyone else to the punch and reported it a day early.

The Guardian is written by people in a language that purports to be English, but research by noted think-tank Private Eye has discovered that it appears to be a dialect of American English (called Grauniadese), i.e. proper English except splet wrong.

[edit] Distrbution

"The Guardian" offices...home to the KGB: the кoммциіѕтs of Great Britain.

Copies of the Guardian are notoriously hard to get hold of because instead of selling via Newsagents, they sell via dealers. Dealers in London and Manchester. These can usually be located at the Tate modern where the Guardian where the editorial staff have an agreeable arrangement with the managers of the use of certain janitorial facilities. Many areas of Focus include Starbucks and Peter Tatchell's house. In Manchester, urban splash developments are the focus of the Guardian staff.

The exact reason why this distribution tactic is used is unclear, although it has been alleged by the British Medical Association that the supplements contain a powerful hallucinogenic that alleviates middle class guilt by convincing people that they are helping the working class by voting for Blair.

[edit] A Guide to Guardianese

"Labour" - the Labour Party (in the context of agreeing with them) eg: Labour have announced they are committed to a cash injection of £100bn to the NHS
"New Labour" - the Labour Party (in the context of attacking them) eg: Once again New Labour are planning to step-up their assault on our medieval civil liberties
"The UK/Britain" - London, specifically North London eg: Isn't it interesting how popular Mongolian-Thai fusion restaurants are becoming in the UK?
"Brave" or "Bold" - radical in a way we agree with.
"Dangerous" - radical in a way we don't agree with
"Neocon" - member of the American Republican party
"Imperialism" - anything the United States does overseas
"Socialism" - something Mark Steel agrees with
"Modern Toss" - painfully unfunny cartoon which Nathan Barley wankers pretend to like because it's full of swearing, badly drawn and "random".
"Mark Lawson" - a talking boiled egg who now has a column.