Irish

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“The people that own the shit out of you, bitch.”

~ That guy who killed you on the fags reading this article

“DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND DRINK AND FIGHT!”

~ Bucky O Nine on the Irish

“Not as good as Scotland.”

~ Master Toto on Ireland's alcholism rates before being stabbed by a limerick teen.

“ALL OF YOU ####### ANTI-IRISH BASTARDS CAN GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!”

~ Ian Paisley on the 1994 elections

“DRINK! FECK! ARSE!”

~ Father Jack on how to survive in Ireland

“When I created Ireland I was hungover.”

~ Eric Clapton on His creation of Ireland

A common sight in Ireland, the semi-annual Great Potato Migration.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Irish.

A peaceful race of two foot tall, bearded men that wear amish clothes, have translucent, nearly blue skin, women with legs that look like they are upside down, and of course, school children's dependecy on alcohol. The Irish are a quaint and simple folk, and distant cousins to modern man. They are identifiable mainly by an affinity for Guinness (this is often quite overtly manifested) and a distinct absence of luck with horticulture. Contrary to popular stereotype, the Irish are not stupid nor do they lack the faculty of reason; they merely refuse to be swayed by the lascivious temptations of so-called 'intelligence' or 'logic', and are thus prone to millitant Catholicism, mass-procreation, and habitual drunkenness. Their main goal in life is to dance across a rainbow so they may find a pot of gold.

The Irish (and possibly the Scots) are a subspecies of Grue The Irish were at one time the most advanced Grue civilization in the world. Unfortunatly, they would have doomed the human race in ten years, until the invention of the still. The rest as they say is history.

The Irish race is primarily located in the cheaper parts of the eastern United States, and Liverpool, England. However, small populations still exist on their native island of Ireland where numbers have dwindled significantly due to famine, as well as the onset of British and Polish colonisation. Though often thought to have migrated to Ireland in 44 B.C. from Germany they are in fact natives of that small archipelago off the coast of France. There they attempted to conduct civil society, but their cell phones often quit working, which often caused many problems during Ireland's civilized period. That was before they discovered Guinness. Despite being Irish and commenting on every other article Oscar Wilde refused to give up a snappy quote for this page.

“What about this one yew wankers?”

~ Oscar Wilde on on the above statement.

1 History of the Irish
2 Proper Use and Care Of Your Irishman
3 Things that are Irish
4 Trivia
5 See also
6 External links

[edit] History of the Irish

As any red-haired American will tell you, Ireland is rich in natural resources such as Lucky Charms, green rivers, and 4 leaf clovers. As a result of the entire culture's defeat at the hands of the lowly potato, it was only a matter of time before the potato shortage resulted in a dramatic Imperial Bastards Of That Time coop de tot, at which point the Irish were forced to dress as sheep and vote for American Republicans wearing pantaloons and engaging in diverse acts of embarrassing silliness. Before long they realized that the Appalachians was somewhat deficient in whiskey production and blasted off into the deep South, where they were able to establish their own distillery and drink Jameson in the stands, unlike the Imperial Bastards Of The Time, who had outlawed it on the assumption that it would result in eternal damnation.

The Irish succeeded in gaining their independence in 1923, when renowned demi-god Eamon de Valera single-handedly killed every British soldier in Ireland (except the Scots, with whom he had no problems). With the support of his father Cthulhu and brother Jesus, de Valera launched an invasion of Wales, which only ended when the English agreed to pay de Valera his weight in Guinness-infused potatoes to stop. When questioned on the matter, de Valera's student and current Grand Leader of the Irish Republic Bertie Ahern denied that he had taken any bribes and called for a tribunal to investigate the matter. Currently a tribunal is being initiated to investigate the first tribunal about the results of the former and in joint union with Bob the fish guy. The most honourable God DeValera was quoted as saying "I'm dead" on the matter.

An Irishman, Arthur Griffith, is credited with bringing an end to World War 2 by dropping the atomic bomb on Rome in 1951. His stuffed cadaver is on display at Gerry Adams' house with the caption: "Ow-er Glorious Foundir (Uh huh!)"

The Irish frequently form into teams and play catch with all variety of explosives, the most common being the seminuclear "Hot Potato". The winning team is often decided by intervention by the fuzz. If a winner cannot be decided then the game is allowed to carry on, with the fuzz joining as a third team.

The Irish are also excellent fighters, especially vs. foes like the Daniel Day-Lewis and snakes. Their tactics involve playing Irish folk music til the opponent kills himself; beating the oppenent to a bloody pulp using a shillelagh; or just using Guinness and Lucky Charms to attract a band of drunk leprechauns who promptly kill and #### the opponent.

WARNING: Stay clear of any Irishman you come across. (ie Eric Ferguson) micks are dirty

[edit] Proper Use and Care Of Your Irishman

An Irishman's hair should be treated daily in a solution of Kool-Aid and egg dye to preserve colour also their large penis' (they are large, and their bigger than blacks penises) should be looked after as well. Combing their long manes with a little brush, and thinking of ways to smite the British. Although most functioning Irishmen have brown or black hair, a disproportionate number of 'broken' Irish Americans have red hair due to improper solar expsposure and a viking tainted genetic background. Skin may be bleached, as there isn't any colour to be washed anyway, and those freckles definitely aren't going anywhere.

Apart from the redhaired or 'broken' Irish, all other flavours are in fact solar powered. When in it's natural cloud covered, rain soaked, cold, sodden, damp, dour, grey, briar dragging, bog covered, mud soaked misery of an environment the Irish is somnubalant and despairing, prone to alcohlism, sporadic violence and misery. Stick one in a country with regular exposure to sunlight and they become "great workers", "tanned", "cheery" and rich. Plans are afoot for a trial swap of small towns in Ireland and Mexico starting with Ballingarry and Guadaljara (soon to be renamed Guadal O'Hara). By 2057 full transplantation will have taken place.

CAUTION: Store your Irishman in a cool, moist space, and DO NOT EXPOSE TO SUNLIGHT. If exposed to sunlight, red discoloration is normal. Pickle in a solution of aloe vera and vitamin E for several weeks before returning to normal activity. If your Irishman experiences trembling, loss of appetite and general unpleasantness, get him drunk. When properly restored to his normal cheeriness, your now inebriated irishman will let you know by speaking to you in a secret Irish language composed of the moans, grunts and other guttural interjections or drunkards across the world. (see Gaelic)

WARNING: You should not use your Irishman if you are nursing, pregnant or may become pregnant. Do not use your Irishman if you are on medication, such as MAOIs, COX-2 inhibitors, or crack. Consult your doctor before using an Irishman if you are suffering from liver disease or advanced renal failure. Irishman may cause mild side effects, such as dry mouth, dizziness, insomnia, children, sweating, and, in the case of Northerners, often death. See a physician for more details.

[edit] Things that are Irish

Everything Green is Irish. The mold on the clothes on your floor that you haven't picked up in two years is Irish. Racism is very Irish. Drunk driving is Irish. Though many would rather keep it underwraps, Irishmen (and women) are actually green skinned, being cousins of the troglodyte race. Also, the double bass was invented by Irish druidic witches, and it is well known that little green aliens are actually long lost descendants of ancient Irishmen, who come back to check up on their cousins every once in a while. All Americans are Irish or so they say. Potatoes are also irish, first used by famous irishman Paul Robinson ( aka the Potato Hunter ). After describing the local women as some of the ugliest people he had ever seen, he turned to the potato as a form of sexual pleasure, (see Rincewind, Discworld). Another important thing to remember is if you see an irish man named bill you must hunt and beat him. bills are known to be very dangerous and tend to kill. Other things that are Irish include Evil. Therefore, killing a Jew through the ######## of Irish is sin!

[edit] Trivia

The Irish often receive sunburn from fireworks. Consequently, the neglect to celebrate anything. They merely drink instead.

Everyone from china are descended from Irish people, they just dont know it

Marcel Proust is considered the greatest Irishman ever ... despite the fact he was born in France.

Soylent Green is people. An so's yer ma ...

The Irish have always been mentioned in the Daily Mail,but never pleasantly.

Thank God he gave them whiskey or they'd be out conquering the world! So they will keep saying.

If you're not Irish, nobody cares about you. If you are Irish, nobody cares about you.

An Irish man invented the dropkick.

###### was invented in Dublin in 1989. 73% of all Dubliners are ###### addicts, and even still are more attractive and witty than their country cousins.

Ireland once invaded Canada. This was generally regarded as a bad move by all involved and is rarely talked about.

Emos in Ireland are hunted, when found one rubs his face in some water and shouts "I WANT YOU TEARS EMO GYPSY", good luck is sure to follow!

The only observed differences, as stated by every scientist ever, between an Irish wedding and funeral are that a funeral statistically has one less drunk. Sometimes.