The Killers
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“Brandon Flowers is just the best. When you were young is just awesome. Pass me the wispa bar ,Legolas.”
~ Gimli of the Lord of the Rings on Brandon Flowers
“KILLUZ!”
~ Kieran Clarke on The Killers
The Killers are a group composed of musical serial killers. The line up consists of John Wayne Gacy on lead vocals/keyboard, Jeffrey Dahmer on lead triangle, Ted Bundy on rhythm triangle and Ed Gein on electric chainsaw.
this site is bull shit and most of it's made up It is also believed among the few fans the band has collected over the years that they came from a cave located in New Zealand. They are yet to confirm.
they were created by their parents(obviously) but they all have the same mum but were all joined together at the head. after a 14 hour operation they were seperated and all decided at the same time at a choice of making love or muic that they should make music.
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[edit] Real Origin
[edit] Killer Lawsuit
The band sued the misinformant for libel, with damage claims amounting to $1.50 and eventually won the case. It turned out that The Killers, a 100% original idea, is a concept which was ripped off from an imaginary band featured in a flopped and forgotten New Order music video.
[edit] The Rise and Fall of Dave; Nobody Cares
The original and groundbreaking idea of naming the band The Killers came from Dave Keuning, whose ambition of becoming a solo rock-god was "literally killed" by fellow bandmate and Italian mafia godfather and casino-owner, Ronnie Vannucci. Apparently, Keuning wasn't able to pay back the $10 loaned by Vannucci in support of his slot-machine addiction, hence, his vocal chords and balls were forcibly removed. He then decided to become the invisible and oft-neglected lead guitarist that no one really cares about, much to his fans' dismay, which only included his mother and her pet capybara, Pipi. He holds bare resemblance to Nicky from Manic Street Preachers, who later claimed to be his long-lost Uncle who ran away to Australia, milked a camel, boogied to Jackson 5, crashed out in someone's kitchen in Queensland, before returning and accidentally forgetting Richey James. His whereabouts are unknown, but witnesses have seen him, slurring the words to Motorcycle Emptiness and creating his own mini- V Festival. His guitar was seen in a bathtub.
[edit] Brandon Flowers
He hates every other band out there and doesn't look a thing like Jesus. He enjoys fights on promenades out in the rain. He never loses faith in the fact that he may find the place where the white boys dance (proven to be the worst single on Sam's Town). He was also voted Sexiest guyliner wearer in the world. He has admitted to having feelings for Supernanny and once gave a kid a 'The Killers love Jo Frost' lollipop to seek her approval. He acts as an excellent but sinister frontman, taking many-a bow and snacking on Krispie Kremes whilst on stage then wheezing when he remembers he has serious smoking issues. 'The Krispie Kremeee *chokes* noooooooooo..... let me take that last lick of cream *waistcoat flies off*' Perhaps one of the best things that ever happened to the band was the rise of Brandon Flowers from mere random organ key-pusher to the greatest orgasm vocalist there ever was. Thanks to investigative journalism, it was exposed that The Killers is just a side-project of Flowers, who is actually Brian Molko in real-life. Molko is a well-known lead singer of the greatest boy-loving band in the world, Placebo.
To this day, it has eluded scientists worldwide why people love Brandon Flowers. It may be his sexy appearance or it may be his unbelievable talent. Suffice it to say, his genius has been recognised and scientists are at this very point working tirelessly to ascertain where, if at all, in the history of humankind has such a perfect specimen as Brandon Flowers existed.
It was rumoured that in 2003 he had an ex-girlfriend who had a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that he had in February of 2002. He claims it was not confidential, but that the rumour had the potential to spread.
[edit] Alibi
Flowers constantly deny the allegation, citing that he cannot possibly be Molko since the Placebo vocalist is known for using Mac eyeliners, which cost about $20 each, a rather expensive cosmetic for a band earning just over $5 per gig then. Flowers apparently uses a generic eyeliner, the chief ingredient of which is the smear-proof, waterproof and perfectly environment-friendly lead. He said that he used the smear-proof generic eyeliner and eyeshadow during the shower (masturbation) scene on the U.S. version of the band's music video, All The Perv Things That I've Done, only to prove that he's not Molko.
[edit] Another Lawsuit
Likewise, in 1985, Flowers sued the investigative journalist for $20 before the District Court of Las Vegas, which the former won by a landslide. It is alleged that Flowers is now using a Mac eyeliner.
[edit] Sweet Jesus!
Little is known about the band's unobstrusive bassist, Mark Stoermer. Hideki Takashimaya believes that Stoermer is nine feet tall. Wienczyslaw Zygmunt says that he can prove that Stoermer is a foreigner. The most believable piece of valuable information however comes from bandmate and Italian mafia-boss Ronnie Vannucci as he contends that Mark is actually Jesus Christ.
Said Vannucci, "He does look a thing like Jesus, but he doesn't exactly talk like a gentleman like you imagined when you were young."
It has been claimed that Stoermer is actually 'The Stig', a racing car driver from the British car show 'Top Gear'. Stoermer has denied these claims and argues that he doesn't even drive cars because they can't wear make-up.
[edit] Hot Rods (2004)
[edit] Media Reviews
The Killers' music is described by NME magazine as "superb, amazing, astonishing, fantastic, breathtaking, marvellous, delightful, pleasing, great, brilliant, perfect and fucking ideal."
In its highly informative and objective one-sentence review of The Killers' first and only album, Hot Rods, the Rolling Stone magazine, in its December 2004 issue says:
-start of review- "Brandon Flowers is a complete TWAT!!!! giggles LMAO LOL (*dies*). (9/10)" -end of review-
[edit] Classifying The Killers' Music
No one can really tell for sure what kind of genre The Killers' music can be classified into. This can be deduced from the fact that most reviews and articles written about the band were about how hot Flowers is. However, one song entitiled Indecent rocks and balls seems to indicate that the genres Indie and Rock&Roll have been merged into their own genre.
[edit] Epilogue
[edit] Whereabouts
It is now believed that The Killers is recording for its follow-up album, somewhere inside one of the remote un-bombed caves in Afghanistan where its music still sells.Saddam Hussain helped them with their upcoming album after exile from Iraq where he is being chased by ladymen asking for sex. He provides the excellent array of banging noises heard in their smash hit `freedom for the dangerous`:These are bomb noises detected by the stereos blasting soulful music to homeless Afghan's.
When asked WHY they decided to record their album in the deserts of the Middle East, Flowers replied "In the desert, you can remember your name, 'cuz there ain't no one for to give you no pain. Also, the dry, arid heat keeps my eyeliner from smudging." It is reported that Neil Young will meet the band in Baghdad for make-up tips and lattes.
[edit] What to Expect in the Near Future
The new songs are expected to be more American-influenced, a reaction to the negative feedback that its music is more Icelandic-oriented, probably due to Stoermer's own doing, because he is Jesus.
In one of the rare interviews since the career-ending journey into married life, Flowers promised to infuse more "Oasis-styled songs and attitude" in the album. Fans and skeptics alike expect that the move would be a great departure from the over-all image of the band, as there would be more sex, drugs, alcohol, mud wrestlings, hair-pullings, hotel trashings and catfights in its future tours, which could eventually lead to "divorce."
However, Flowers is still being held captive by one of the many ravid female fans, rumoured to have a boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend Brandon Flowers had in February of 2002 (see 'Brandon Flowers').
[edit] The Victims
As mentioned in its title, The Victims is a select club, for a small price you can get killed by Las Vegas' best. They will rope you up, and drag you behind a car. The stig does not drive in this occasion, rather he hangs out the window. Flowers drives, making comedical comments along the way to an unknown shot-gun passenger. Once you are done with this, Mr Flowers will make you wash your hands at least 10 times before anything else can happen. After this has happened, you are then locked up and made to type on a forum which is dedicated to dead people like you. You chat on topics such as 'Beetle Juice or Darth Fader?', 'Revlon or Maybelline?' and you take to the polls in relation to subjects like 'Brandon's or Dave's Snap pants?
Once initiated, you can do whatever you want really. You can buy tickets to some of their shows where 'When You Were Young' is played for a minimum of 10 times.
[edit] Tracks From Hot Muffs
- 1. Jenny Was A Hoe Of Mine
- 2. Mr. Outside (ft.George Michael)
- 3. Smile Like Your Penis
- 4. Somebody Stole Me
- 5. All These Sexual Things That I've Done
- 6. Andy, You're A Fairy
- 7. Sex On Top
- 8. Hanky panky rock and roll
- 9. Believe Me Natalie, It's contagious
- 10. Midnight Showing (feat. Pee Wee Herman)
- 11. Nothing Will Be Alright
- 12. Mr. Outside (Thin White Puke Remix)
[edit] Tracks from Sam's Bald Crown
- 1. calum sucks donkey dick
- 2. jaimie humps hippys
- 3. connor munches on minge bitch
- 4. Limp Bling (Confessions Of A Queen)
- 5. For Reasons You Don't Really But Kind Of Know About
- 6. Fuck My Mind
- 7. Uncle Rubber Jonny
- 8. Boner
- 9. My Grocery List
- 10. This Mother Is Wild
- 11. Why Do I Keep Farting?
- 12. Exitlube
[edit] Trivia
- The Killers was one of the bands that headlined the 2005 Bands To Believe In Festival, along with Coldplay, Green Day, Avenged Sevenfold, Evanescence and other equally self-important bands. It was no small feat since the band got to play in the main and big tent-like stage for a change, in contrast to the 2004 Bands To Bury Festival where it got a slot near the dumpster. The tent-like stage reportedly was able to accommodate approximately four fans, the most notable of which was the "late" great Oscar Wilde. Wilde allegedly suffered incontinence after watching the band perform which led to his untimely demise fifteen years later.
- Hot Rods was the fastest-selling album in history, averaging a worldwide sale of 1 album per year. The band's label has reportedly manufactured a total of 1 CD in its entirety.
- Sam's Brothel was the best album made by faux British vocalist-led band since you were young.
- Upon starting their tour in late 2006, The Killers finally allowed Theodore Julio Espino Hernandez The Third to join them in their gay ways.
- The Killers have an ongoing competition to see who can look most like a woman much to the delight of The Kaiser Chiefs.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- The Killers' Offical Site
- Brandon quits his day-job
- See Mark's early work
- The rise of Don Ronnie Vannucci from a mere proletariat to a powerful mafia-boss and casino-owner
- Dave's favorite movie of all time
- Read about the cause of Oscar Wilde's untimely demise
