The Legend O' Zelda (series)

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“HYAH! ZYAH! HOYAH! Darn! Shucks!”

~ The hero on Everything

“I fuckin love it.”

~ Bruce Lee

“A damn fine spot o' bestiality!”

~ Oscar Wilde

“My Zelda, she took me money and ran with the tailor!”

~ Allan Sherman

“I'd give up absolute power over the universe for Zelda”

~ Satan

“For the first time I think I agree with Satan”

~ Jesus Christ

The Legend O' Zelda is a long time running game saga based on the hit television series of the same name and created by former farmhand Shigeru Potatomoto. Okay shut the fuck UP. Right now this article is a nice piece of warm turd fresh from a goron's ass hole. Lemme' break down Zelda for you: a fucking gay Jacob Two-Two wannabe attempts to save a dyke princess. He fails then wins. The Fucking End. Now if you wish to read the rest, have a fucking blast but it sucks more cock than Simon Cowell does in an hour (which is more than you nutfucks can count to).

[edit] Series

[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Ye Good Old Golden Oldie

First Legend o' Zelda, in which farmhand Linkie discovers that Miss Zelda, daughter of his boss, has been kidnapped by fundie farmer Good Ol' Ganon, who believes her feminist ways are a thorn in the foot of the guy above(also known as God) and will bring floods and bad harvests to all of Hickrule. During the kidnapping, her Triforce of Feminism was completely destroyed and the remnants were sold at an auction downtown. Linkie decides that instead of saving her, it would bring much more profit to recollect her Triforce and E-Bay it. What follows is a wild rampage to the countryside, inhabited solely by monsters(the results of years of Hillbillie inbreeding) and old people who have traded their houses for caves and spend time giving away useless wooden tools to passing would-be heroes. The rampage ends in a raid on the house of Ganon himself, during which Link accidentely saves Zelda, defeats Ganon and gets sued for a zillion dollar(cause: property damages). Miss Zelda then sues him for trying to abduct her Triforce, Ganon escapes and the whole adventure turns out to be for naught.

[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Ya Good Ol' Advent'r'

The story takes off where we left Linkie the previous time, namely in a lawsuit about property damages and ownership of the Triforce of Feminism. The game has the longest open narrative ever in a videogame to date, full of incomprehensable juridical jargon, ending in Miss Zelda falling asleep in the middle of court session. The judge proclaims that court is suspended until the girl wakes up, giving Linkie the opportunity to assemble(read: force into working for him) a gang of mad law sharks/lawyer. Unfortunately, good law sharks are few and far between in Hickrule, meaning Linkie must go on another trek across the backwater region. Once again this involves a mad adventure, viewed from the side instead of top-down this time, leading to less hassle with gamers taping themselves to ceilings. The inbred Hillbillies return, together with a diverse cast of lawyers that need to be subdued by our almighty farmhand hero. The game ends with a comeback of the Thunderbirds, and Linkie fighting his own shadow during a bad acid trip. Also, the lawsuit gets canceled due to lack of interest.

[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Ye Past Ain' Wha It Used Ta Be

For a time, everything seems to be just fine in Hickrule. Miss Zelda has returned to her father's farm, Linkie has now moved in with his ranch owning uncle Cleg, and Good Ol' Ganon is nowhere to be seen. However, when on one stormy night uncle Cleg goes outside to check on the cows, he does not return. Linkie, after hearing moans from the stable, decides to check out the situation. He finds his uncle, raped to near death by the cattle, telling Linkie that the mysterious cattle merchant Ahahahahahahahahahahahim(he is referred to as 'Long A' for the rest of the game, Thankgod ) has cast a spell on six maidens(all inbred sisters), making them crave the evil lout. If the merchant marries them all, he will gain a lot of extra property and a dominant marketing position on the Hickrule cattle market, which will drive the countryside into chaos. Linkie rescues Miss Zelda from the evil merchant's farm, locates 3 patents so that he can legally manufacture a Master Fork, travels to Las Vegas to stop the wedding from happening, collects the six maidens from their raunchy motel rooms, drives them home, takes on Long A(who turns out to be Good Ol' Ganon), manages to secure the rights of ownership for all three Triforce parts, makes a wishlist for Santa, types a sentence that is way too long and still manages to get home in time for dinner.

[edit] The Legend o' Zelda: Sleepy Ol' Countryside

This game directly picks up the story after the previous game(seems logical...). Linkie gets home for dinner, which consists of leftovers from yesterday's party, German sausages(no innuendo), Thai discount wine and champagne pudding for dessert. This translates into lots of bad alcohol and LSD that was found lying on the floor(dubbed Nintendope). Linkie tries to sleep off the incoming acid trip, and strangely enough wakes up on a beach next to a nearly naked chick named Marin, who tells Linkie she'll do him a Windfish(an undescribable sexual position banned even from the Complete Creative Kama Sutra Compendium) if he can find her some instruments for suitable background music. Linkie eagerly agrees and walks into the sea, winding up in a forest where he meets a raccoon that tells him to get lost, who changes into Marin with beard and mustache, who changes into car keys,which changes into a mushroom, which changes, moments before Linkie tries to sniff it, into a Full Moon Cowbell. Linkie tries to walk back to the beach, only to find himself sinking into a swamp full of flowers, which all get eaten by an oversized dog, who is then kidnapped, leaving only a steaming pile of dog turd, with a jar in it. After breaking the jar, Linkie finds the Samba Balls of Blitzkrieg. Next, he floats away over a plain towards a luxurious villa were a rich land-owner wants him to find golden hash leaves so he can smoke :crack:, and is crushed under a castle inhabited by a monkey with a stick that falls from the sky. The monkey gives Linkie the Sashimi Organ, which gets stolen by lots of talking animals who also steal Marin, group rape her and leave her for dead in the desert, with a key jammed in her vagina. Linkie takes the key and tosses it into the ocean, killing a fish in the process, which spits out the Surf's Up Digeridoo. Linkie then gets possessed by a ghost, who drags him around all kinds of hallcogenic wastelands before burying him alive together with the Fart Keyboard. Linkie travels to some old ruïns next, where a statue tells him it is all a dream and he should wake up for it is becoming way to incoherent, whereafter Linkie goes visiting the neighbouring ruins where an owl hands him the Ludicrous Piccolo. Next Linkie goes mountaineering and is aided by a rooster who saves him from plunging into the sky, and together they fight a monster tower atop a high eagle(or the other way around) and Linkie receives the Acoustic Guitar of Eternal Depression. Finally, he locates the games' first real dungeon, Turd Rock, only to find it "Closed for Maintenance". However, the Final Instrument Of Post-Rock grows out of his eyeball, so all the instruments are in place. Marin rises from the ground, now nude, and all the instruments begin playing a horrid combination of grindcore, crust punk and D-Beat, making the speakers of the console go asplode in an instant. Linkie wakes up right as the sex scene seems to begin, next to a sheep. This, combined with the game's incoherent randomness and lack of player control, makes the game a realistic presentation of both a wet dream and a bad trip, which in turn makes critics consider it the best Zelda yet.

[edit] Actual Content

Below, listed into different categories, are noteworthy features and thingie-things in the series.

[edit] Popular weapons on the Legend of Zelda

• Oscar's Blade: The basic sword, and it can only thrust. Actually, it's a pitchfork, and it's only in the game to have an Oscar Wilde reference. Cheesy, right?
• Pink Sword: In a tribute to Freddy Mercury, this blade kills everything except for homosexuals. Hey, we had to have a gay reference, right?
• Slash Sword: OMFG, it's a sword that slashes! WTF?
• Invisible Sword: Uberpowerful and a must-have item to clear the game. Good luck finding it.
• Color Sword: Just to show off that we can make a Zelda game realistic without making everything brown.
• Leaf Shield: The poor man's shield. Very affordable for farmhands without proper income.
• Spiked Shell: Use it to create a patent infringement with the makers of Mario Kart.
• Beatles Shield: Why this is here? Dunno, the previous author never gave me an explanation.
• Homosexual Shield: I'm sure the previous author made this not to opening another can of gay jokes, but instead because it goes well with the Pink Sword.
• Oscar's Bow: Used to shoot down the many Uncyclopedia Clichéd In-Jokes that run rampant through this article.
• Wild Bow: Upgrade, aim, fire and...watch how Linkie screams as the arrow flies around in random patterns until it lands in his crotch.
• Cartman's Bow: South Park always refers to popular culture, now popular culture refers to them. Ha!
• Light Arrow: The basic ammunition. Very easy to carry.
• Poison Arrow: Yes, poison. Hey, the game's bordering on real-time RPG. We didn't have a choice.
• Bazooka: Hahaha, we screw with time period consistency...just because we can.
• Smash Hammer: Hammer used to...guess what...SMASH!(was that even a proper punchline?)
• Wand Of Magicxxx: Robots, fairies, uber-power shield with balancing stats dumbed down and an overall cap of 304+/- and an instant Magic Meter drain. Just for fireworks.
• Zora's Mask: Now you can transform into a freakish human-fish hybrid and prance around in the creeks all day long. Hoorah.
• Gayshot: Spouts out the word 'gay' at machine gun rate, clogging up text lines faster than a jaguar.
• Bomb: Use to blow stuff up. Really! If the player kills Linkie by accidentely blowing himself up, he gains access to the Hidden Paradise Of Seventy Virgins.
• Lens Of Truth: Can see ghosts, fake walls and women's undies. Careful, using it on the wrong women may cause severe eye-burning.
• Boomerang: It flies away. It comes back. It flies away. It comes back. It flies away...ah, I could waste hours with this(WHOCK!)
• Ocarina: Funk it up! Or not. If the only thing you can learn is Texas country songs.
• Bottle: Store things in this handy...wait, what if we smashed it into an enemy's face? Hmmm, unremovable glass shards in the face...pleasant thoughts.

[edit] The most popular bosses

• Miyangle-Actually, the creator of the series, but now with three heads. Breathes garlic, has stakes for nails, and floods the room with holy water. Since there are no vampires in Hickrule, this is the easiest boss of the entire game.
• Volvagia-Chinese fire dragon that burrows in lava. Sounds cool, right? Now replace it with an armor-clad wyvern that vomits orange gas and goes down in minutes, despite battling in a tense and epic surrounding. And weep.
• Mr. Driller-A dangerous man with a drill approaches. Drum rolls and choir chants. The climax: "Sorry, wrong game." Then walks out.
• The Beatles-They don't look very threatening...and then they start playing. The game freezes into a repeating dancing loop, and all you can do is watch Linkie groovin' out...dammit, people, we need to focus on the central themes!
• Evil Moldorm of Hyrule- after you defeat this thing, it'll come back to haunt you in your dream about a giant fish egg and you'll have to kill it again with a boomerang you traded your grandfather's cherished shovel for, 'nuff said.
• Tekite- in EVERY SINGLE game NO EXCEPTION! (Just like Zelda, Link, Octoroks, Ganondorf, a giant fish diety, Pots to smash, cool-looking sword, annoying sidekicks, now that I think about it Nintendo really does repeat everything.)
• Naviz0rr - An annoying fairy monster using an ultra sonic "hello" attack as it's main weapon. Is defeated by smashing pots and inducing jealousy by making out with other fairies.

[edit] See also

Erm... nothing else, really.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about The Legend O' Zelda.