The Legend of Zelda
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“Thank Batgod I had my trusty Bat-mastersword”
~ Batman on fighting Gannon
“Isn't he like 13 years old? How did he kill all my friends?”
~ Gannon on Link killing everyone in Hyrule
“Haaaa-AAAHH!”
~ link on Everything
| The Legend of Zelda | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer | Nintendo |
| Release Date | 1AD |
| Genre | Everything and Nothing |
| Platforms | NESSIE |
| Rating | T for thongs |
| Would Emperor Palpatine play it? | Only if Harold Shipman did first. |
The Legend of Zelda, released in Japan as The Hyrule Final Fantasy Zelda no Densetsu (ゼルダの伝説 ) , is a videogame designed by Potatomoto out of Lego bricks and published by Nintendo. Set in the Sci Fi Channel land of Hyrule, a land filled with hermits, this is a classic example of the collect-em up genre, which centers around a young psychotic thief named Link and his quest to steal eight random golden triangles from eight different households.
Contents |
[edit] Story and characters
It's The Legend of Zelda, and it's really rad.
Those creatures from Ganon are pretty bad.
Octorocks, tektites, and leevers, too,
But with your help, our hero pulls through.
Yeah! Go, Link! Yeah!
(Wikky-wikky-wikky-wik)
Link starts off the game going into some cave, where he is given a sword by some Old Man. Big mistake. Crazed with the power of the sword, Link goes on a rampage, killing random innocent monsters as he goes along, breaking into underground monster houses and threatening them into giving him money. But, as Link had not obtained the White Sword yet, the monsters instead beat him, and made him pay for fixing their door. Which they never get around to.
During the course of the game, Link locates eight mansions and slaughters the household's servants and eventually the owner of the household. He eats their hearts in a Satanic ritual to make himself stronger and then steals the poor dead monsters's triangle. Along the way, he steals a variety of stuff from other people that helps him to go on his rampage. He eventually finds his way into the pleasant household of Ganon and kills the guy, kidnapping his wife, Zelda. The end. What a douche.
A "symbol of courage, strength and wisdom", Link was designed by Potatomoto as a coming-of-age motif for players to identify with: a thief that can only communicate with 8-bit beeps begins the game a psychopathic boy but grows in strength (not that you'd be able to tell with his six-by-six pixel face) and fortitude to triumph over innocent monsters.
The name of the princess was inspired by Zelda Fitzgerald: "Zelda was the name of the wife of the famous novelist Francis Scott Fitzgerald. She was a famous and beautiful woman from all accounts, and I fantasised about doing her every night. So I stole her name for the very first Zelda title," Potatmoto explained[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much].
[edit] Gameplay
When The Legend of Zelda was released its gameplay defied categorization because Shigeru Potatomoto had no idea what he was doing. The game begins with the player controlling Link, the bastard son of Chuck Norris and Liv Tyler who had recovered from a near fatal drug overdose when he tried to huff an Octorok from the perpsective of God, giving you the feeling that you are omnipotent, omniscient and that pixel pixie of a hero should bow down to your and WORSHIP THE VERY GROUND YOU WALK ON! ALL PRAISE YOU!!! MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Scattered across the overworld (which according to Nintendo Power, was modelled after the state of Washington) and hidden in caves, shrubbery, or behind walls are merchants, gamblers, old ladies, and other people who guide Link with cryptic clues, just like Washingston State. Barring Link's progress are creatures he doesn't really need to kill to locate the entrances to nine underground dungeons.
Each dungeon is a unique, maze-like (in other words, the builders had no idea what they were doing) collection of rooms connected by doors, funnily enough, and guarded by innocent monsters just minding their own business. The player guides Link, as he kills, rapes and pillages each dungeon like the evil maniac he is, until finally, he kills the Master of the Dungeon, eats his heart and nicks his piece of gold, which looks suspiciously like frozen piss. Dungeons also hide useless items, such as a recorder and several planks of wood tied together. The first six dungeons had monsters stupid enough to leave their entrances open to Link, but the remaining three were smart enough to hide their entrances from psychopathic Link.
Nonlinearity separates this game from others of its contemporaries. Link can freely wander the overworld, finding and stealing items at any point. Nintendo of America's empty-headed management initially feared that players might become frustrated with the new concept, left wondering what to do next. As a result, the American version of the game's manual tells you exactly what to do and guides you through the game like the complete moron you are.
[edit] Development and release
Designer Shigeru Potatomoto was responsible for the development of Super Communist Bros. and decided to corrupt America's youth with yet another controversial character, this time in the form of a silent psychopathic, terrorist thief with a six-by-six pixel face incapable of any emotion or being identified.
With The Legend of Zelda, Potatomoto wanted to blur the lines between reality and illusion even further, giving players "a miniature garden that they can put inside their drawer."[1] This would prove useful for Nintendo's attempt at world domination in 2006. He drew his inspiration from his experiences as a boy around Kyoto, where he explored nearby fields, woods, and caves, and through the Zelda titles he always tries to impart to players some of the sense of exploration and limitless wonder he felt. "When I was a pixel child," he said, "I went hiking through the pixellated country and found a bright blue lake made out of pixels. A pixellated fairy appeared out of it and circled me with pixellated red hearts, and I felt as if I had to let the players experience the sense of pixellated wonder I felt at this beautiful occurence."
In the initial game designs, the player would start the game with the sword already in their inventory. According to Potatomoto, those in Japan were confused and had trouble finding their way through the multiple path dungeons. Rather than listening to the complaints, Potatomoto took away the sword out of spite, making the game even more difficult.
[edit] Reception
The Legend of Zelda's thief character, Link, warped the minds of 6.5 million players around the world on its initial run. It was reissued in 1990, in the hope that people would be too stupid to realise it was the same game. It was re-released for the Gayboy Advance for the same reasons, and you morons just lapped it up, didn't you?
The game places prominently on rigged popularity polls run by Zelda fans and spawned many cheap cash-in products such as toys, watches, trash, and the worst animated series in the existence of mankind. Even Michael Jackson, who was seriously turned on by Link and loved watching his show in the nude, abruptly stopped for fear of turning into a child molester. Too late.
[edit] Versions
Zelda has been re-released on multiple platforms, because Nintendo is a greedy bastard that thinks you won't notice the difference and will keep paying for the same old junk over and over again. Judging from the way you lap these games up, they're right.
[edit] BS Zelda no Densetsu
“Reach into your pocket and give me $5. Then flop on the floor like a fish.”
~ Mini narrator
Bullshit Zelda no Densetsu, based on the original The Legend of Zelda, was released for download in four episodes on a two-feet high satellite add-on to Nintendo's Super Famicom system. The first game broadcast on the Nintendo World Domination Satellite Network, Bullshit Zelda featured updated graphics, a smaller overworld, and different dungeons. Link was replaced by a random boy wearing a backward baseball cap and a generic breastless girl with red hair. It also featured "Sound Link," where every few minutes players were cussed by a live narrator, broadcast psychically into players' minds. This may cause the narrator to get into your mind and control it there. The narrator is a little man inside the system, who will force you to doing strange things, like giving him tips for his job.
[edit] References
- ↑ Andrew Vestal, Cliff O'Neill and Brad Shoemaker (2000-11-14). The History of Zelda. Gamespot. Retrieved on 2006-09-30.
[edit] See also
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - The Adventure of Link - Blink-182 is Passé - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages - The Wind Waker - Four Swords Adventure - The Midget's Cap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass |
| Why, God? Why?: | The Wand of Gamelon The Faces of Evil |
| Characters: | Link - Ganondorf - Zelda - Tingle - Vaati - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Sheik - Liz |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupee |
