The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask
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| The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask | |
|---|---|
 | |
| Developer | GONAD |
| Release Date | Apocalypse Day |
| Genre | Action-Adventure |
| Platforms | Nintendo Π |
| Rating | AO aardvarks only |
| Would Kevin Federline play it? | I'm too depressed to play anything... |
The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask , Zeruda no Densetsu Mujura no Where in the World is Kamen Sandiago (これゼルダの伝説 ムジュラの仮面 ) , is an action-adventure game developed by General Organisation of Nintendo Analysis and Development and published by Nintendo for the Nintendo 69 video game console. It was released in Neo Tokyo on April 27 2000, in Jesusland on October 26 2000, and in Old Europe on November 17 2000. The game is basically a rip-off of Lewis Caroll's Alice in Wonderland and some story about the moon crashing into the Earth, possibly starring Bruce Willis.
The game traps the player in a three-day Groundhog Day cycle, in which time the Moon slowly descends upon the Earth. If the player is crap, the moon will slam down onto the Earth, wiping out all life as we know it. It has happened many times, but luckily, when that happens, the game resets the Universe back to the first of the three day period. Only when the player defeats Majora's Mask, is the entire Earth saved. That is why the game has been banned, as the world populace is tired of having to deal with the same three day cycle of doom over and over again every time some jerk decides to play the game.
At the end of the three day time period, the moon crashes into the earth. For no apparent reason, the total destruction of the planet triggers a time reset, in which link is brought back to the clocktower, where the happy mask shop owner greets him.
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[edit] Gameplay
The gameplay in Majora's Mask is absolutely identical to Ocarina of Time, except for the Master Sword bit. It is the second game of its kind to not feature Ganondorf as a major enemy. You guide the thief, Link, as he wears masks in order to rob people and eventually save the world from the moon and some Emo Kid with a fruity mask in the hopes of getting a huge fat monetary reward(or possibly get to have a threesome with the ranch girls... or maybe 69 with the happy mask salesman).
Link maintains his usual repertoire of basic actions including walking, running, somersaulting and limited jumping. As in previous installments of the series, Link uses a variety of weapons to battle enemies and to solve puzzles. The sword is a weapon. Link uses it several times throughout the course of play. The shield is used for defending. The bow and arrows are typically used to attack a distant enemy or to activate a switch, although they can also assist in close-range combat. Link can stun enemies with Dick and Nuts, then inflict damage with his "tiny weapon". As in other games, Link is a terrorist and has a repertoire of bombs that can be used to damage enemies and clear other obstacles, while the hookshot is capable of latching onto an enemy and pulling it towards Link or for latching onto an object to pull Link himself to it (eg. someone's boobies).
Because of the three-day time system, Majora's Mask is the first game in the Zelda series to have a boss replay feature. After defeating a boss and playing the Song of Time, the player could reenter the dungeon and be invited back to the sado-masochistic boss's room via a warp pad that lies very close to the dungeon's entrance.
Nintendo, when making this game, was out of any new idea's, so they made this game like the movie Groundhog Day. This is one of 29 known reasons that Majora's Mask lead to the downfall of nintendo.
[edit] Masks
There are many Masks with which Link can use to disguise himself whilst on his robbing spree.
- Wooden mask - Turns you into a puppet. Makes you burn while exposed to fire.
- Fish mask - Turns you into a fish person.
- Thing mask- Turns you into The Thing, you will cause an earthquake upon putting on this mask...Please, for the love of God, do NOT use this mask!!!
- Great Fairy mask - Turns you into a cross dresser that attracts other fairies to you.
- Suicide Bomber mask - An Al Qaeda mask that turns Link into a suicide bomber.
- Birdman mask - Makes random animals attack you
- Fat Pig mask -Allows you to find hidden magic mushrooms
- Frog mask - Makes frogs so high and drunk that they think you have a frog on your head and makes you so high so you think you can understand them.
- Stoner mask - Makes Link appear to be high on weed, and/or appear as a hippie.
- All Night mask - Used in One Night stand mini-quest
- Postman's hat - Given to you by the government to allow you to legally read other people's mail. It also gives you the power to go berserk and take people hostage on a shooting rampage.
- Cow hat - Allows you to enter Café Latte, where you can buy Chateau Romani milk, which gets you raving drunk in minutes.
- Gas Mask - Gives Link the ability to talk, although the only thing he can say is, "Are you my mummy?"
- Couples mask - Allows you to hook people up for one night stands
- Big-ass mask - Allows you to turn to the size of a giant, the only way to squash Ikanan cockroaches.
- Mummy mask - Allows you to blend into the new fashion craze that's all around Ikana
- Circus Leader's mask - Given to you by a drunken man named Gorman after singing Ballad of the Windfish
- Playboy Bunny Mask- Allows you to run really fast, and get access to the Playboy Mansion.
- Richie Rich Mask- Allows you to prance around like a spoiled fucking brat bragging about all the money you have, when all you really have is 25 cents and a pack of gum.
- Fierce Diety Mask - Link turns Super Saiyan 5, which pretty much beats the whole game.
[edit] Three-day cycle
Majora's Mask is the first in the series to feature a clock function that keeps track of the number of days you're playing. This was achieved by strapping a huge timer to the cartridge. In-game events are triggered at certain times thanks to the cartridge's connection to a cursed timer. By playing the Song of Time not only is the timer reset, but also the entire Universe itself is reset to the very second you started to play the game. When the timer reaches zero, not only does the Moon crash into Termina, but the real moon also crashes into the Earth. The game cartridge also explodes, killing anyone in the vicinity and destroying the cursed timer, which leads to a paradox that rewinds time. Very sophisticated stuff this.
[edit] Plot
[edit] Setting
The game is set in Termina, a place with an obsession with clocks and masks. It appears to be an alternate version of Hyrule, simply because the game developers couldn't be arsed to design new characters and just reused everything from Ocarina of Time. Pretty much everyone is reused, plus a little kid that looks like a cross between Saria and Link, but with purple hair.
The land of Termina contains all the areas that it is legally required to possess[1]. Clock Town, the only major town in existence, lies in the centre of the land. It contains a bar that sells spiked milk, terrorist training camps and a sad lack of residential houses. The only functioning toilet in the entire town is in Stock Pot Inn and somebody lives in it, which makes using it rather difficult, especially seeing as the person living in it likes to fist people's asses. Clock Town is also home to a terrorist group known as the "Bombers", a bunch of pre-pubescent children who are the result of a severe lack of education due to Clock Town's lack of schools of any kind.
To the south of Clock Town is the Southern Swamp. The resident Dick Scrub population has set up a hereditary monarchy within the confines of the jungle-like area. The most prominent feature of this area is the Woodfall Temple, an ancient hippy shrine that has fallen into disuse and now plays home to various monsters that have been spiking the local swamp with bright purple wine. North of Clock Town is the Snowhead mountain range where the Morons live. Though normally temperate, the area has been experiencing an unusually long winter caused by a recently-frozen Goat in Snowhead Temple. The western area of Termina is the Great Bay. The fish live here along with a society of lesbian pirates. The Ikana Canyon lies to the east. It is a desolate and barely inhabited area filled with the wandering spirits of the dead, and a guy who lives with his daughter in a giant record player.
[edit] Story
One day, Link wandered into the Lost Woods and fell off his horse, on account of being absolutely wasted. Some random Emo Kid with a brightly colored mask stole Link's instrument. After blowing it and Link, the hero of the game wakes up in a state of mass confusion and runs after him.
He follows the Emo Kid into a rabbit hole where he falls into Wonderland and gets turned into a Dick Scrub. After making a joke about giving Link wood, the Emo Kid disappears. Link, being the psychopathic terrorist he is, is pretty annoyed at the lame joke and goes off to kill the Emo Kid.
He meets up with a psychotic hyper salesman and the two get along like wildfire. Producing an organ from out of his ass, the salesman teaches Link a new tune that can reverse time and thus curses Link and the player to relive the same three days over and over again.
Link goes around Termina robbing from people, whilst disguising himself with masks. He eventually destroys the moon and kills the Emo Kid for making fun of him. Emo Kid.
[edit] Characters
- Link - A mass murdering thief and terrorist. He is known to get especially drunk at a bar in town.
- Zelda- Link's whore. Makes a cameo appearance in the beginning of the game giving Link a blowjob while teaching him the Song of Time through his flute shaped dick. On the screen musical notes come out of his asshole while Zelda is doing this.
- Kotate/Koume - One of the two lesbian pairs of the game, these two sisters run a "potion shop".
- Emo Kid - Wears a fruity bright mask and moans about how alone he is.
- Tingle - A mapman gone mad on drugs long, long ago. He's trying to become a fairy while he thinks he's still 10. Must be eliminated at all costs.
- The Monkees - A pop group that doesn't write its own songs.
- Brother of the Monkees - A member of the Monkees tied to a stick and constantly being stuck in a giant pot of soup for his atrociously stereotypical attitude and bad music.
- Dick King - Ruler of the Dick Kingdom and great monkey chef.
- Dick Princess - A wooden princess you can fit in a bottle.
- Mikau - A fish person guitarist who can't swim.
- Indigo-go's - A band with a singer that has no voice.
- Majora - talks to faries on crack and tries to date a moon
- The Dancing Hookers- The other lesbian pair of the game. They dance in town every night to try to attract customers, but they suck at dancing. Link later teaches them how to properly give a lap dance and use the pole. Business is now BOOMING!!!
- Dog track owner A rich and fat racist who makes a lot of money through gambling and has made the majority of her wealth through Link's useless gambling (since she has the mask of truth and tells every dog Link bets on to lose terribly."
[edit] Development
This game uses the exact same material as Ocarina of Time, which doesn't explain why it took so damned long to make. Maybe the developers were slacking off. I mean, even the Evil Groundhog Day Curse they put on the game cartridge doesn't take that long to do. A little chicken blood, a sacrificial virgin, a few chants and candles, and Bob's your monkey's uncle!
It is interesting to note, however, that Kafei is the first appearance of a character that should have appeared in Ocarina of Time. He was supposed to be Link and Ganondorf's lovechild. Majora's Mask being set in an alternate dimension, however, Kafei's role in the game changed to random purple-haired child, engaged to marry a pedophilic woman much older than him.
[edit] Gamecube version
In some random year, Nintendo re-released The Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask on the Nintendo Gamecube, thinking we wouldn't realise it was an old game. Similar to other Gamecube re-releases, it isn't a port, but an illegal ROM of the original game running on an illegal software emulator. Nintendo is currently taking legal action against itself.
[edit] References
- ↑ Clichéd Videogame Stages Act of 2004
[edit] See also
- Link (Legend of Zelda)
- The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
- The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
- Zelda
| Games: |
The Legend of Zelda - The Adventure of Link - Blink-182 is Passé - Link's Arousal - Ocarina of Time - Majora's Mask - Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages - The Wind Waker - Four Swords Adventure - The Midget's Cap - Twilight Princess - Phantom Hourglass |
| Why, God? Why?: | The Wand of Gamelon The Faces of Evil |
| Characters: | Link - Ganondorf - Zelda - Tingle - Vaati - That Old Man from The Legend Of Zelda - Sheik - Liz |
| Somethings: | Hyrule - Link is a Tree - The Legend of Zelda Link theory - Rupee |
