The Legend of Zelda: The Midget's Cap

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The Legend of Zelda: The Midget's Crap
I'm not a shrimp!
Developer	Vaati
Release Date	Whenever he feels like it
Genre	Whatever he feels like
Platforms	Game Boy Advance
Rating	R Retard's only
Would Katie Holmes play it?	Only if Vaati says so

The Legend of Zelda: The Midget's Cap, released in Japan as Zelda no Densetsu Fushigi no Mighty Boosh (ゼルダの伝説 ふしぎのぼうし, lit. "The Legend of Zelda: Worship the Mighty Boosh" ) , is not a game about The Mighty Boosh, but is the twelve-thousandth installment in The Legend O' Zelda video game series for the Nintendo Game Boy Advance, released in 2004 in the Old World, and 2005 in the New World. It was developed by a ship, with Nintendo overseeing the development process. The Midget Cap is the first original Zelda adventure to be released for a handheld platform since Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages in 2001. The main character is Link, who is a run away elf from Santa's work shop. He ran away because he was depressed about how tall he was so he became a crack addict. He traveled the world in search of new drugs. When one day he heard that a Princess Zelda was kidnapped and whom ever saved her would be rewarded with all the crack/drugs they wanted. He then saved Princess Zelda and found out that Edward Elric was kidnapped by a bunch of Santa's elves on LSD, because they were sad he left them. After he saved Edward Elric a spell was cast on him so he must save Zelda no matter how many times the dumb bitch gets captured. Link also stopped smoking crack, but continues to drink 3 bottles of rum a day.

The game is based on a midget called Edward Elric and his attempt to find his missing cap. Either that or it's about a violent thief called Link and his affair with a stone statue. I usually get the two storylines confused.

[edit] Plot

The plot of The Midget's Cap focuses on the backstory of the coolest Zelda villain ever, some midget's attempt to get his hat back and the love between animal and mineral.

A long, long time ago...

I can still remember

How that music used to make me smile.

And I knew if I had my chance

That I could make those people dance

And, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.

But February made me shiver

With every paper I’d deliver.

Bad news on the doorstep;

I couldn’t take one more step.

I can’t remember if I cried

When I read about his widowed bride,

But something touched me deep inside

The day the music died.

The day the music died is commemorated in Hyrule with the Picori Festival, a large fair and a sword fighting tournament. On one such festival, Link, the grandson of the royal blacksmith Smith, decides to visit Hyrule Town to to steal from festival goers. However, the festival and Link's rich pickings are short-lived, as the winner of the tournament, the unknown stranger Vaati, is in fact a powerful sorcerer who breaks the Picori Blade and makes Link fall in love with a statue of Zelda.

Some random stuff happens. The King sends Link, still a child, off to battle an evil sorcerer and through some woods, Link rescues Edward Elric, a short shrimp who joins him in his quest and can make Link shrink down to his size through Alchemy or some such rubbish. Link then meets other shrimps like Edward Elric, who tell him that to restore power in the magic Picor Sword, he must find... Yes, you guessed it, go find a bunch of coloured stones. The twist? There's four of them in this game, instead of the usual three. Wow! Isn't Nintendo being innovative?

Anyway, they go off to find it, eventually find out that Zelda has hidden some kind of golden thing up her arse. Vaati, who wants the gold, arrests her, makes himself King of Hyrule and rules with a rather even-handed fist. Link, being the money-grubbing thief he is, also goes after Zelda and soon they fight, Link kills Vaati, Edward goes off somewhere. Link screws the Zelda statue. They live unhappily ever after. The end.

[edit] Gameplay

The Midget's Cap plays like every other freaking 2D Zelda game since Blink-182 is Passé. Link swings a sword, runs with Pegasus boots, puts things in bottles, fights through dungeons to get stones that help him gain the game's most powerful sword, walks into people's houses without their permission, steals their stuff and kills random innocent monsters.

To make it seem like a different game, Nintendo created a different story that isn't that much different from the previous Zelda games and included the following so-called "innovations":

[edit] Kinstones

Somewhere in Hyrule, a guy making dishes accidentally dropped a huge crate of his merchandise, thus smashing all his plates in half. Being the clever prick he is, he decides to sell them, spouting off some hysterically stupid New Age mumbo-jumbo about how good luck will come to people who join two matching pieces together. The guy makes a fortune.

Link, being the absolute blockhead he is, falls for it. The player buys these half pieces of plates and starts randomly bugging people about joining them together, which gets mistaken for a sexual innuendo. Being just a kid, this earns him several well-deserved slaps to his cel-shaded face.

[edit] Figurines

Some other bloke in Hyrule, different to the plate guy, has a fetish for seashells and gives figurines free for a certain number. This forms the basis of a pointless figurine sidequest, where you gotta collect 'em all. If you're a obsessive compulsive, then maybe this sidequest has some meaning. If you're not, then you should wisely not bother with it, unless you're some sad date-less git with no life, and let's face it, if you're reading this then you fit the bill. Go get a life, you retard^[1].

[edit] Development

The Minish Cap is artistically very reminiscent of its predecessors. That's because the game developers couldn't be arsed to design new characters, like the lazy bums they are.

[edit] Release

Unique to any videogame in existence, The Minish Cap was released in European territories before North America and even Japan. About fecking time. We Europeans usually wait abso-fecking-lutely ages before games come out over here. By the time you've done with the games, got the sequels, finished the sequels and died of old age, they still haven't been released over here.

[edit] Legend of Zelda Piss Yellow Game Boy Advance SP

Nintendo of Europe decided to celebrate the unique release of The Minish Cap by releasing a special edition "gold" copy of the Game Boy Advance SP. It actually looks piss yellow, smells of piss and tastes of piss. Game players, being the addle-headed dickwads they are, bought them by the dozens.

Aside from these Zelda Limited Edition Paks available in store, Nintendo created the Limited Edition Collector's Box, which contained The Midget's Cap, the piss yellow SP, a long-sleeved shit and a still-beating heart. Only 3 boxes were made worldwide and each one is certified insane. These Collector's Boxes were not for sale in stores anywhere, but could only be won or bought in the Nintendo S.T.A.R.S Zombie Catalogue for 15,000 S.T.A.R.S agents (Rebecca Chambers exluded).

As a launch promotion, Nintendo Europe also produced seven 24-carat gold Game Boy Advance SP consoles, with six given away to people who found a golden ticket inside their Triforce SP package, and a seventh as a magazine promotion. As these were made from pure gold, they conducted electricity like nobody's business, giving people electric shocks whenever they touched it.

[edit] Reception

The game is praised by all Hard Rock/Metal lovers, headbangers and dumbasses in general, as you control a kick-ass dude who can divide himself in four in order to have lead guitar, vocals, bass and drums in one; plus, the objective of the game is to kill an emo! But why would you want to do that? Emos=<3 Let's kill the metal heads instead! In 2007, The Midget Cap was named 20th best Game Boy Advance game by a load of fanboys with too much time on their hands. Everybody else was unimpressed by the fact there were only four dungeons and that the game could be completed with one arm tied behind your back and your eyes closed. It was also named 24th best game by Nintendo Power, a lobby group for Nintendo rights, and conversely 2nd best game ever. The lobby group also ranked Edward Elric 5th in list of "Top 10 Heroes of 2005" list, despite the fact that he sits on Link's head and does practically nothing except complain. Edward Elric also won best New Character in Nintendo Power's 2005 awards, as nominated by its supporters, and was named one of the top five sidekicks The Legend O'Zelda series by Nintendo Power.

[edit] References

1. ↑ That, children, is called irony

[edit] See also

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap.

• Edward Elric