The List
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The List is a list. No. Fucking. Way.
More specifically, the List is the supreme document of all people. It is the one true set of objects and ideas necessary for one to enjoy happiness in its purest form.
Contents |
[edit] Items on the List
The List is really long. Think Chuck Norris's cock and multiply that by seven googolplex. Long. But at the same time, it is short and digestible in an instant, despite its occasional ambiguity.
Some examples of notable items and concepts on the List:
- The wheel
- Farming
- The sword
- The airplane
- The computer
- The frozen mozzerella stick
- The Warren-Tsuchin Warp Unit
- The Zimbo Excelerator
Your eyebrows probably went up at the last one. I'm getting to it, keep your pants on.
[edit] History
[edit] Origins
The list came before everything. Not just the universe. Not just existence. Before every-fricking-thing. Got it? Good.
Not much is known about when it was created, who or what created it, or when humanity discovered it. What is known about humanity's discovery of the List is that the List was complete when it was discovered, and was never altered successfully by any mortal being.
[edit] Humanity's Reaction
When the List was discovered, not a single concept listed on it had been conceived of before. Therefore, it was up to humanity to provide suitable inventions to fulfill the requirements of the List. Long story short, all the things on the List were invented and now, if, theoretically, one person possessed them all, well they'd be smiling like they had just sucked off the Dallas Cowboys, wouldn't they be?
[edit] The Zimbo Excelerator
The Zimbo Excelerator, in its current form today, takes the form of a small orange hemisphere. It has no moving parts whatsoever. This makes it very cheap to manufacture, and thus the Zimbo Excelerator Corporation was able to sell the Excelerators for significant profit.
[edit] History
The final item on the List was the Zimbo Excelerator. For years, this confuzzled List scholars. The words "Zimbo" and "Excelerator" had no roots in any language around the world. Though theories exist regarding its origins in a lost Antarctic civilization, this was completely ignored when the Zimbo Excelerator was finally created in 2006 by the man with an eye under his nose as a R&D project at his Zimbo Excelerator Corporation.
Over the years, the Zimbo Excelerator Corporation was able to corner the market on the elusive List-completing item, and eventually infiltrated its way into becoming a sort of Illuminati of the corporate world. It is now run by the founder's grandson, the man with three eyes under his nose.
[edit] Criticism
Some have criticized the Zimbo Excelerator for not being useful for anything. Experts and corporate representatives respond by saying that the Zimbo Excelerator completes the List, making it the one key to true happiness. Therefore, if you don't have a Zimbo Excelerator, you don't have a complete List, and cannot be truly happy. However, some believe this does not make up for the fact that the Excelerator essentially completes the List and nothing else. Experts again respond that this makes the Zimbo Excelerator useful, because it completes the List.
[edit] Effects
Completing the List unlocks the secret of true happiness. All items are necessary for one to possess in order to truly be happy. Some theories state that the List is also The Meaning of Life.
[edit] Percentage Theory
List scholar Douseiaisha Shitomi, a homosexual Japanese fox, developed the Percentage Theory to describe the relationship between the percentage of items on the List a person possesses and their happiness. It boils down to the fact that if you have more stuff on the List, you're happier. Except when you're not.
[edit] Ramifications of the Zimbo Excelerator
You need a Zimbo Excelerator to have a complete List. That makes it inherently useful. If, for example, one were to have a complete List, and another were to have all but the Zimbo Excelerator, the former person would be tremendously happier due to the fact that their List is complete. Because completing one's List is ultimately necessary for true happiness, the Zimbo Excelerator is necessary, because it completes the List, and this makes a person truly happy.
[edit] Criticism of the Ramifications
Some think that's pretty fucking stupid, because the Zimbo Excelerator doesn't have a use outside of completing the List, so why is it so useful? Nonetheless, there are experts in the field who comment on the fact that a complete List is necessary for happiness, and therefore the Zimbo Excelerator is ultimately useful.
[edit] Relationship to The Game
The List, while not directly related to The Game, does have a peculiar habit of making people lose. For this reason, many n00bs do not trust the List.
